by London Casey
I slid my hand across the table toward Aiden. He was starting to shake. I rarely saw him that vulnerable.
“Hey, it’s okay,” I whispered.
“No, it’s not. You don’t get it. It’s really not. Shit is slipping through the cracks and if I don’t catch it fast enough…”
Aiden looked down at my hand on his. He quickly tore his hand away. He shook his head. “Lily… my flower… every time we meet up…”
I hurried to take my hand back.
“That wasn’t a come on,” I said.
“I know,” he said. He rubbed his forehead. “I don’t do failure well. It bleeds into other failures.”
“Like what?”
Aiden leaned back and dug in his pocket. He threw a plastic chip on the table. “That. That’s what’s waiting to take me down. And the more things build up…”
“You’re clean,” I whispered.
“Yeah. Five years, Lily. I made a promise and I damn well kept it.”
I looked at the chip. “So that’s…”
“Yeah.”
I felt my heart skip a little. “Wow. So, after everything that night… you really cleaned up.”
“That I did,” he said. “And I stayed clean. But this isn’t about me. This is about Felix.”
“I don’t know what to say here,” I said. “It’s kind of strange, Aiden. No offense.”
Aiden grabbed for the chip off the table. He stood up. He put the chip back into his pocket and then took out a five and put it on the table.
“For your coffee,” he said. “I wanted to get here first and buy yours. But Felix was giving me a hard time about leaving. Family first, right?”
“Aiden…”
“I was desperate last night,” he said. “I shouldn’t have bothered you.”
“How did you find me?”
Aiden put his hands on the table. “The truth? I was close to falling, Lily. I had my shoes on. I was ready to go down to the corner and get something good. Something really fucking good. But then you popped into my mind. I saw your face. That night. When it all went down. How hurt you were. How sad you looked. How disappointment filled your eyes, even greater than the tears. You were my distraction for a little bit. I had to know you were okay.”
“Who said I’m okay?” I asked.
“Nobody. But I knew where to find you if something like that happened again. I’m sorry to bother you, Lily. You have no business dealing with me ever again. I show up and I fuck things up. That’s why I try to stay away. But this time…”
Aiden turned his head away. I thought I saw his eyes glistening but he turned and made a move toward the door.
I was in such shock I didn’t even stand up and try to go after him.
He was there, he was gone. But something stuck with me. Something he said.
I knew where to find you if something like that happened again.
My blood went cold.
Did that mean Aiden was thinking about slipping? And it was my job to save him?
I looked at the table. The five-dollar bill. I looked at the box he gave me. Little memories that held their place in a bigger puzzle.
That’s when my eyes filled with tears.
It was happening again. I was getting sucked back in.
I would do anything for Aiden… because he would do the same for me…
I couldn’t believe it when I opened the last box and saw the books.
My book on sign language. Of all the stuff I had lost over the years because of moving, evictions, arguments, threats, and skipping out in the middle of the night on debts, I managed to keep those books. Books I hadn’t touched since high school. Books that helped me feel like I was helping the world.
I pulled the first book out and flipped through a few pages, smiling at that old book smell.
I opened it to a random page.
I had been seventeen and determined to get into a good college. A teacher in school suggested doing something big on the community level. I’d learned basic sign language as a little kid because I had serious developmental problems from being born premature. I was behind in every way possible. I was behind in school all the time. But continuing with sign language actually helped me. It gave me a goal to prove to myself I could be normal. Not that that word actually existed or mattered.
I hadn’t practiced sign language in years, though.
I sat there outside the closet in my apartment with a bottle of beer next to me. I thumbed through the pages and started practicing. It was amazing how much all of it stuck inside me.
I was doing this for a kid I didn’t know.
All for a small coffee, a small kid.
And Aiden.
That’s what the beer was for.
Because I knew with Aiden… came heartache.
Chapter 16
(The Right to Know)
PRESENT DAY
(AIDEN)
“Check these out,” I said, and threw a few pages at my buddy, Prick.
He raised an eyebrow and looked at me. “A little dark, huh?”
“Says the guy holding a needle bigger than his dick.”
Prick laughed and put the huge needle down. “Why is everything dark with you again? You feeling off?”
“I’m feeling wronged,” I said. I rubbed my chin. “I feel like everything I did wrong before is catching up to me now.”
Prick squared away his supplies and then took off his rubber gloves. I had to admit it - it was a little weird and tough being around so many needles.
Trust me, there was nothing wrong with Prick’s needles. He worked in a tattoo shop called St. Skin. He was the guy who did all the piercing, hence the nickname Prick. He and I went back a long way, from when he traveled to the dark side for a little visit. Luckily for Prick, he didn’t stay long. Two guys named Tate and Sawyer pulled him out and brought him to St. Skin.
Prick was trying to recruit me and had been for years.
I wasn’t a tattoo artist, though. I worked better in creating art that was sold. I dabbled in sculptures and shit, too. I had my own apartment where I pumped loud music and did my thing. And my thing was always a reflection of my current state of mind.
“You have flowers bleeding,” Prick said. “That’s really dark.”
“They’re not just flowers, man. They’re lilies.”
“Right. Like that matters.”
Trust me, Prick, it does.
“I can throw these to Tate and the guys. They’ll put them on the wall. Someone could be wearing this.”
I nodded. “No. I’m going to do them up on a big ass canvas and sell it.”
“Your choice. Want to grab a beer?”
“You’re done here?”
“Yeah. Long day.”
“Touching tits all days.”
“I pierce more than nipples, Aiden.”
“I’m messing with you, man. Come on, I’ll buy you a beer. I need it. I had a shit day.”
“Felix? Alice?”
“All of the above and then some.”
“So, what is with you and Alice? You two…”
“Stay out of that one,” I snapped.
“Right. We don’t talk about serious shit. We just throw back beers and talk about the old times.”
“Fine, asshole,” I said. “We’re not together, okay? Shit is hard. We’re fighting for Felix. The kid can’t talk. He’s angry and lashing out. I tried to get help from an old friend but that blew up in my face.”
“What do you mean?”
I sighed.
I didn’t answer the question.
I was saved by Tate.
He came into the room to talk about invoices, which was my cue to get the fuck out of there. I wandered to the front and scanned the wall. One of my half sleeves was done at St. Skin by one of their best guys - Cass. He had been a rockstar like me and traded in the road for something else.
I didn’t catch back up with Prick until an hour later at the bar where I was already one in the bank.<
br />
“Your old friend.”
“Ah, shit, you can’t let anything go, can you?”
“Nope. Spill it.”
“Nothing to spill.”
“Your old friend… named Lily.”
I snapped my head at him. “What?”
“You think I’m an idiot? So, you want her to fix your kid?”
“I’m…” I didn’t finish the sentence or the thought.
I went back to my beer. Another went down the hatch.
I forced the conversation to something else, which included wondering who was going to pick up a lucky woman for the night. Prick had his sights set on a dime working a pool stick in a way that was just begging for attention. And her friend with brunette hair wasn’t all that bad either.
As I stood there, figuring why not enjoy myself, my cell buzzed with a text.
From Lily.
Can you talk?
I stared at the screen, my fingers twitching.
I knew where the conversation was going to end up going.
And Lily had the right to know everything.
Are you home?
She replied quickly.
Yes.
I looked up at Prick. He was behind the woman, holding the pool stick. She was bent over. He was bent over her. Her friend looked at me, raising both eyebrows.
I knew what to do.
I looked down at my phone.
I’ll be there in a few.
She opened the door, dressed down, no makeup, the Lily I always remembered and loved. I had the urge to step into the apartment and scoop her up into my arms. Cradle everything she needed off her shoulders because I knew it was there. She always carried more than she needed to carry. And there I was, wanting to give her more. I was a selfish bastard, then and now.
“Come in,” she said and backed up.
I entered the apartment and she was quick to offer a drink. I couldn’t turn down a drink with Lily.
A minute later we were at her small, circular dining room table, tossing back a couple beers. She had one leg up on the chair, hugging it. That meant she was nervous. I wasn’t going to call her out on it, though.
“I found my old books,” she said.
“Oh?”
“My sign language books.”
“Yeah? How’d the review go?”
“I want to get this straight. Last time I saw you… well, it was five years ago. And now you show up without a call or anything. With a kid. And that kid can’t talk. And I’m supposed to just help you. And that kid.”
“It’s fucked up,” he said. “And that kid has a name.”
“Felix,” she said.
“Yeah. Thanks.”
“I’m going to get right down to it. I want to know the truth.”
“What truth?”
“Is…”
“Before you start asking things that have nothing to do with what I’m asking, I want to know what got you through it. Your struggles. Maybe you can’t remember when you were four. But your first memory…”
“A spelling bee,” Lily blurted out.
“Excuse me?”
“A spelling bee. I knew how to spell a word but couldn’t speak it. My brain went numb. Like wires were crossed and weren’t working. I was kicked out of the first round yet I knew every word.”
I slowly nodded. “I don’t want Felix to lose his chance at a spelling bee.”
“Okay, I get it. But do you know what that feels like for me? You just show up…”
“So, ask me anything you want. Give it to me, Lily.”
“Five years,” she said. “You’ve been okay for that long?”
“Okay?” I smiled. “You can use the right words. Clean. Junkie. Whatever you want. But, yes, I’ve been okay for five years.”
“No slips?”
“No.”
“But you came close.”
“Many times.”
“What about now? Is that why you brought Felix here? You were going to slip?”
“You have no idea how much I care about that kid. What he means to me. He’s had a hard life. And I blame myself.”
“Right.”
“Look, I grew up swearing I would never let what happened to me happen to someone else… and here I am. Nothing working. The kid struggling. Me feeling like a goddamn failure. The difference? I’m not buried in a bottle. I’m facing it.”
“Nothing working. So, you’re single?”
“Yes. Nobody has come close to you, Lily.”
“And Felix’s mother…”
“I’m not with Felix’s mother,” I said. “You’re just beating around the real questions. Which is fine. You think you’ll get hurt.”
“Will I get hurt?”
“That all depends on you. Not me.”
Lily drank from the beer bottle. “When do you want me to start with him?”
“Is that a yes?”
“It’s a… when do you want me to start with him?”
“As soon as you can,” I said with a grin. “Even just meeting him. Explaining what you went through. Showing him the books. Anything. Something has to…”
My throat suddenly tightened.
I had the vision I hated to have.
Watching Alice as she screamed in pain. Felix being born. Being so fucking tiny as he came out of her. It was almost scary how small he was. That moment that was supposed to steal your breath and fill your heart was stolen as doctors were there to get him out, cut the cord, and take him away to save his life.
I never heard him cry when he was born.
And I stood there with Alice, watching her cry, trying to hold her, not knowing what the fuck to think. Because we both had secrets that ran deep and guilt that was fresh and raw.
I coughed and stood up, throwing the chair back.
“I have to go,” I said.
Next thing I knew I was at the door.
Before I could open it, a hand touched my back.
“Aiden… please…”
Just like that, Lily set me back on fire.
I slowly turned, realizing what I was doing. Sealing my fate forever in the eyes of Lily. I didn’t owe her an explanation of who I was right then, but I wanted her to know the truth. I waited for her to spit the questions at me. She wanted to know if Felix was my son. She wanted to know who the mother was. She wanted to know why Felix’s mother and I weren’t together. More than that, she wanted to know what really happened between us five years ago.
Instead of talking, I just looked at her. I felt a comfort with her that I couldn’t find anywhere else. Even during my darkest of days, the devil in the needle licking at my veins, I couldn’t find the comfort that Lily gave me.
“Aiden, it’s okay to be vulnerable. Especially to me.”
“I know that,” I said. “I was taught that. Meeting after fucking meeting, Lily. Standing in front of strangers and telling all my stories. Sharing my demons. I know what vulnerable is.”
“Then look at me,” she said. “Because I’m vulnerable, and it’s only to you. Five years, Aiden. Five fucking years, again. And you just show up and I just let you back in.”
I made a slip and reached for her face, touching her cheek with the back of my hand. My other hand grabbed at her waist.
“That’s because this is real,” I growled. “And time can’t stop what’s real.”
I felt her shudder against my touch.
I hated myself for the fact that she was so vulnerable around me. I could easily destroy her and not think twice about it. I tried hard to not do that to her, but I always found a way to set the blaze and ruin everything.
However, this time, things were so different…
I inched forward. My forehead brushed against hers.
“Lily, my flower,” I whispered.
“You know, that is the lamest thing I’ve ever heard,” she whispered.
“You love it when I call you that.”
“Just because it reminds me of when we were young.”
She bit her lip for a second and then backed up. “I need to know the truth about Felix.”
“Then just spit the damn question out.”
She hesitated. Fearing the truth. I knew the feeling.
“Aiden… is Felix your son?”
And there it was. The question of the night.
I didn’t answer right away.
Instead, I did something that had been burning in me for years.
I killed the space between us, losing myself, my hands sliding around her perfectly curved waist, pulling her close to me. Her hands grabbed at my chest like she wanted to shove me away. And if she had, I would have respected it and backed the fuck down. But instead, her hands opened, fingers spread, and she moved up them to my neck and my face.
We kissed and my world was suddenly put back right.
I turned and walked her to the shared wall, pinning her against it, my body tight against hers, trying to keep my hands calm because I wanted to tear every piece of clothing off her body and take her to bed.
The taste of her lips, the swirl of her tongue, the subtle moans from the back of her throat that went into my mouth. Fuck, she was everything I remembered and everything I needed. I didn’t need the needle when I had her tongue. She could inject her venom into me and I could die happy.
I slammed my hands against the wall, resisting that wild urge to take her.
Her fingers curled, scratching at my face. She pulled them away.
The kiss ended as abruptly as it began.
We were still so fucking close, breathing heavily. I could still taste her breath, taste her kiss.
“Tell me,” she whispered.
“You want to know if Felix is my son,” I said.
“I need to know, Aiden. I just need…”
I brushed my lips to hers one more time.
And then I told her the honest truth about Felix.
“I don’t know if he’s mine or not.”
Chapter 17
(With Your Hands)
