by Maggie Cole
The surgery is long. We are reconstructing several bones in the patient’s leg, and there has been excessive damage. It is scheduled to take four hours but ends up taking seven.
As luck has it, I spend almost the entire surgery next to Xander, as Dr. Sear instructs him to do a lot of the work I’m needed to advise on.
When I first approach, he freezes. It’s not something the other doctors would have noticed, but I do.
Does he know it’s me?
As quickly as his paralysis comes, it goes, and he soon is back into his routine of surgery.
Not only do I have to remain near him but talk to him and hand him different devices. And it’s clear to me he’s brilliant at what he does. He’s miles ahead of many surgeons I’ve worked with and another reminder he’s amazing but I can’t have him.
I spend seven hours with my heart beating way too fast, feeling the electrical buzz of him next to me, and trying to not get excited every time my name rolls off his tongue.
For six months I attempted to forget about his voice. It’s like a cruel joke the universe is playing on me, and I do my best to maintain my professionalism.
And every single time I see his bright brown eyes, my soul is crushed further.
As soon as the surgery is over, I leave the operating room and head to the locker room.
I need to get out of here.
I don’t realize it until I reach to unlock my locker, but I’m shaking. I’m having a hard time with the combination when I hear, “Charlotte.”
Closing my eyes, I breathe a few times, grab my hair cap, and pull it off. I don’t know why I pull it off right then, but I do.
I turn to Xander, blinking back the tears I wish weren’t there.
2
Xander
She seems familiar. Something about her seems familiar.
I’m watching her interact with the other surgeons when Dr. Croy says her name.
Charlotte.
But it can’t be. I know Piper and her friends are from Chicago, but surely it’s not her?
When I woke in the hospital, Noah told me Billie wasn’t in the accident with me. He said a girl named Charlotte, who was Piper’s friend, was in the car and that we had spent the night together a few times.
She came to see me in the hospital after I had been awake a few days, but I was on a lot of medication, and it was foggy.
The encounter is still a blur because I don’t remember much about it. And I don’t remember the face of the woman named Charlotte who came to see me.
I can’t see this woman’s face, but the way she tries to avoid looking at me gives me the impression she knows me. My gut is telling me I’ve hurt her.
Throughout the surgery, I instruct myself to stay focused, not to try to figure out who she is or what our relationship could have been. Besides, I could be misjudging everything.
At one point, I could trust my brain, but since the accident, so much of my life is unclear, I don’t have the same faith in it I used to.
But then she stands right near me, and I know our pasts are somehow connected. She smells like flowers after the rain.
As soon as the surgery is through, she excuses herself and bolts out of the operating room. I try not to run after her so I don’t cause a scene.
I scan the locker room when I walk through the door. No one is there except Charlotte. She’s trying to get her locker open, and her hand is shaking.
“Charlotte,” I say, and she pauses then rips off her surgical cap, revealing her blonde hair. My heart stops.
She turns, gripping her cap tight and blinking back tears in her blue eyes. Her plump red lips are slightly shaking. My heart swells, and I don’t understand it, because I don’t remember her, but I know it’s her. It’s the woman who’s been haunting my dreams.
A strange combination of guilt and excitement fills me, and I’m paralyzed for a moment. She isn’t Billie. She is another woman. But I have all these emotions toward her I shouldn’t be feeling for anyone besides Billie. And they are flying at me hard.
She’s beyond gorgeous. Everything about her is perfect. But I’ve hurt her. It’s clear to me I have, but I don’t know what I’ve done.
She turns away from me, staring at her locker, and wipes a tear off her cheek.
My heart feels like it’s ripping out of my chest.
“Charlotte?”
She puts her hand on her locker, as if to steady herself, then faces me. “Xander.”
Xander. The only word she ever says in my dream. It’s her. There is no doubt about it. No matter how mushed up my brain might be, I’d know that voice saying my name anywhere. It lives in my head all day long.
“I’ve hurt you.” I say it as a statement and not a question.
She bites her bottom lip and says nothing, continuing to blink back tears.
A wave of regret rolls through me, and my eyes fill, too. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what I’ve done. Can you tell me?”
The dam breaks, tears rush down both of her cheeks, and she shakes her head in small little movements.
She’s like a magnet, and I step forward, not thinking, not even considering Billie, and cup her face in my hands, wiping her cheeks with my thumbs. “I dream of you,” I whisper, not thinking before I speak.
Her eyes widen and more droplets fall. “You remember me?”
I shake my head. “Not outside my dreams.”
She’s silent.
“Can you tell me what I’ve done?” I repeat.
“Are you still searching for Billie?”
“Yes,” I say, without even thinking.
“Because you love her?”
“Yes.”
She moves my hands off her face and takes a deep breath. “You have done nothing intentional to hurt me.”
“No?”
“No.” She turns and unlocks her locker.
“Charlotte—”
“Everything is fine, Xander. I hope you find Billie and are happy.” She opens her locker, slings her bag over her shoulder, and shuts the door.
“Charlotte—”
She puts a finger over my mouth. “It’s okay. We have to work together. Let’s not talk about this again.”
I stand stunned, not sure what I’ve done but knowing I’ve done something, as she leaves the locker room.
My shift ends around two in the afternoon. Surgery started early in the morning, and as soon as I’m done I go back to the hotel I’m staying and call Noah.
He answers the phone. “Xander, how was your first day?”
“I need to talk to you.”
“You okay?”
“Yeah. All’s good. You around later?”
“Sure. You want to go grab a beer?”
“Sounds good. Just text me an address. I don’t know where anything in this city is.”
Noah laughs. “I know the feeling, Don’t worry though. It’s smaller than New York, and you’ll learn it quickly.”
“All right. I’ll go work out. Meet around five?”
“Sure. I’ll send the address.”
“Thanks.”
“You sure you’re okay?” Noah asks.
“Yeah. Don’t worry. I’ll meet you at the bar.” I disconnect.
After throwing on a pair of sneakers, I quickly leave my hotel room and find the running path. I don’t know my way around the city, but I stay on the track, twisting through the city and around the lake. When I’m about six miles out, I turn around and follow the same route back.
The entire run, I’m sorting through confusing thoughts in my head.
Why can’t I find Billie?
What was my relationship with Charlotte? I know we’ve had sex. We had to have, based on my dreams. Plus, Noah told me I stayed with her a few nights. But what happened those nights?
Why did I feel all those emotions when I saw her?
What about Billie?
I’m not closer to any answers after my run than before, and I’m even more frustrated.
&n
bsp; When I get done running, I’m drenched in sweat, and my heart is beating hard. I put my hands on the back of my head and jog another mile to cool down, trying to get the faces of both Billie and Charlotte out of my mind.
But it’s impossible.
I finally head back into the hotel, go up to my room, and shower. Noah sends me the address. It’s a bar, not too far away from the hotel. I’ve got time, so I use the map on my phone and walk.
I’ve lived in New York City my entire life and love everything about it. Chicago is a big city but not as big as New York. While everyone is hustling about, just like New York, it still feels different.
Noah moved within the last year, and I know he struggled a bit, transitioning. I suspect it will be easier for me since he’s here.
When I get to the bar, Noah fist-bumps me, and I sit down, just as the waitress comes over with two beers on a tray.
She tries to flirt with Noah and me, but we don’t engage. When she leaves, Noah leans into the table. “What’s going on? You sure you are okay?”
Noah has been my friend almost my entire life. We’ve been through everything together. He knows me better than anyone. Hell, he may know me better than I know myself right now, based on my memory issues.
I sigh. “Tell me about Charlotte.”
He jerks his head at me. “You remember her?”
While I tap my fingers on the table, my pulse feels like it’s going to beat through my neck. I’ve never disclosed to anyone, including Noah, that I have dreams every night about a woman that isn’t Billie.
“I just went through a seven-hour surgery with her.”
Noah’s eyes widen. “Wow. What happened?”
“I’ve hurt her.”
“Xander, what happened? Tell me.”
I take a big gulp of beer, not tasting it. “I’ll tell you everything, but I want you to explain what happened with Billie and me. I know you’re holding something back from me.”
Noah shakes his head. “I’ve told you everything there is to know. Anything you’ve ever told me. Why would I hide something from you?”
Sitting back farther in the booth, I sigh. “It doesn’t make sense to me. We just broke up?”
“Yes. You were working as a paramedic and putting yourself through medical school. Billie didn’t like your schedule. In fairness, she hardly saw you. You really had a crazy schedule.”
“So, she left me?”
“No. She gave you an ultimatum. Her parents said they would pay for your medical school so you could quit your paramedic job, but you wouldn’t do that.”
I jerk my head back. “I wouldn’t. She would know that.”
Noah nods. “Yes. You broke it off with her, but it was mutual. You wanted different things.”
“But we loved each other.”
“You were in your twenties and grew apart. Both of you were trying to hold onto something that wasn’t working anymore. It happens.”
I cover my face with my hands for a moment, trying to wrap my brain around this and hoping to remember anything Noah has told me, but I can’t. Nothing comes to mind.
“I just wish I could remember.”
Noah sighs. “It will eventually come to you. The doctors are convinced. Maybe don’t try so hard.”
“This is so frustrating. All I can remember is Billie was who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. We talked about getting married once I graduated. How does that change?”
“Xander, you grew apart. It happens. You need to come to terms with it and stop this search you have going on.”
I stare at him. “I can’t. Until I remember or find her and talk to her, I just can’t. You don’t understand what this is like for me.”
“Okay, man. Tell me what happened with Charlotte.”
My heart races, and I swallow hard. I don’t know why I’m nervous to tell him this, but I feel like I’m somehow cheating on Billie. The reality is I’m not, based on what Noah is telling me about our relationship, but guilt consumes me.
“Xander, whatever it is, tell me.”
“I dream of her.”
“Of Billie?”
I clear my throat. “Charlotte.”
Noah’s eyes widen. “You remember her? That’s great!”
I shake my head. “No. You don’t understand. I dream of her. I smell her. Feel her. Taste her. Experience everything about her but never see her face. I hear her say my name.”
Noah stays quiet.
I rub my hands on my face then take another tasteless sip of beer.
“What happened today?”
“I was in surgery, and they introduced me to her. She had her surgical mask on and cap covering her hair. Her eyes looked so familiar. Then they informed me about her accident and foot, so it seemed too coincidental for her not to be the same Charlotte you told me was in the car with me.” I pause and take another deep breath. “Then I smelled her. I knew it was her...the woman in my dreams.”
Noah continues to stare at me. I’m not sure what is going through his mind. He finally says, “Go on.”
“After the surgery, she left as soon as possible, and I waited long enough so it wouldn’t seem like I was following her. I went into the locker room and...and...” I put my hands over my face. Charlotte’s eyes full of tears plague my mind, and my heart splinters once more.
A few minutes pass. I have to regain my composure. I blink hard when I think of her pained expression.
I gaze up at Noah. “She wouldn’t tell me what I did to hurt her. But I know I have. I saw it. She was crying, and I caused it. She asked me if I was still searching for Billie, and I responded yes, then she asked if I still loved Billie, and I said yes. Charlotte told me to keep it professional and never talk about this to her again.”
“Shit,” Noah mutters.
“Noah, what did I do?”
He takes a deep breath. “Piper thinks you broke Charlotte’s heart.”
“How?”
“After the accident, she cried for days about seeing you. We kept telling her she couldn’t because you were in a coma. When Piper finally told her you were awake and didn’t remember the last twelve years, and about Billie, she thought when you saw her, you would recognize her. She came to see you in the hospital, and you had no memory of her.”
“I don’t even remember that. I was on so much medication. What did I say to her?”
“You politely said, ‘I’m sorry, but I just don’t remember you,’ then you turned away and asked me about Billie.”
My gut drops. “Crap. I’m an asshole.”
Noah shakes his head. “You were on a lot of drugs still. We tried to get her to visit you again, but she kept asking if you were still searching for Billie. We didn’t want to lie to her. It’s why I asked you to go see her when you were still in New York.”
“You said we were only together a few times?”
Noah nods.
“I don’t understand why she’s so heartbroken, then. Or why I keep dreaming about her.”
Noah laughs. “Let’s just say after the first night you were together, you were praying she didn’t get a boyfriend before you moved here.”
“How did we meet?”
“You came to visit me. We were at Club D, and I saw Piper. Charlotte, Quinn, and Vivian were with Piper. You had just accepted the job in Chicago.”
“And that’s the first night I slept with her?”
Noah nods.
“Why was she in New York?”
“I was there for the First Responders Charity Date Auction with Piper. We were all in the back getting changed, and Piper texted the girls and Charlotte bid on you.”
“She bid on me?”
Noah smiles. “Yep. She paid over three grand for you.”
I gape at him. “Seriously?”
He laughs. “Yep. And she flew out to New York to surprise you for your date the night before you got into the crash.”
“But we’ve only seen each other a few times?”
Noah nod
s. “I think you were texting and talking a lot though.”
“I don’t understand this. If we only saw each other a few times...” I tilt my head in confusion. How can I feel what I felt when I saw her today?
Noah chuckles. “You’re trying to rationalize the heart, Xander. You can’t do that. The heart wants what the heart wants. I think whatever happened between you and Charlotte was intense.”
“But, I still love Billie.” It’s not making sense to me.
“You don’t love Billie,” Noah sternly says to me for the hundredth time over the last six months.
“I hear what you say, Noah, but my mind tells me otherwise.”
“You really remember nothing about the years between twenty-two and twenty-four when you and Billie were together?”
I shake my head.
“If you could remember those years, you would understand. You two fought all the time. Neither of you were happy, and you started to see less and less of each other.”
I rub my forehead hard and stare at Noah, beyond frustrated. “I just can’t remember any of it.”
Noah sighs. “Besides your dreams, do you remember anything about your time with Charlotte?”
I wrack my brain again. “No. And I’m not sure how to get my memories back.”
3
Charlotte
Nine Months Earlier
The ladies and I are at Club D when Piper tells us she’s screwing her new boss, Noah. She’s claiming he’s an asshole, and it won’t be happening again, when Noah appears behind her with the most attractive man I’ve ever laid eyes on.
He’s tall, muscular but not over-the-top, and has dark-brown hair and beautiful brown eyes. Our gazes meet briefly before he turns back to Noah.
“What are you doing here?” Piper hurls at Noah.
“This is my friend Xander. He’s moving to Chicago and in town for the weekend. We’re out...like you,” Noah teases her.
“Ha ha.” Piper rolls her eyes and shoots Noah daggers.
“Piper, who are your friends?” I ask.
“This is my boss, Noah, and his friend Xander.” Piper nods at Xander, who gives her a friendly smile. Xander grins at all of us girls, and maybe it’s wishful thinking, but I swear his focus lingers longest on me.
