by Maggie Cole
It’s like everything from the last six months comes rushing to the surface, and the dam breaks. Maybe it’s because I held it in for so long, or possibly because she is the only one who seems to understand me, but she pulls me into her chest, and I have a total breakdown, as tears flow out of me.
Charlotte holds me tight, kissing the top of my head.
“What if it never comes back,” I choke out.
“Everything will still be okay.
“Will it?”
“Yes.” She says it as if there is no room to argue, and it makes me believe, if only at that moment, it will be.
She pulls away and cups my cheeks in her hands. Her blue eyes, full of compassion, stare into mine. “What’s the worst part of not remembering?”
“Originally the frustration or confusion of not remembering, but that’s no longer the worst thing.”
“What is?”
I haven’t known her for years, and besides my dreams, reading old text messages, and the pancakes, I don’t remember our time together. Technically, I’ve only been around her for a few days, but everything about Charlotte makes me feel like I’ve known her forever, and she’s special. And I know her last six months have been painful because of me. “That I’ve hurt you.”
She blinks back her tears and uses her thumbs to wipe away the tears seeping out of my eyes. She says, “That’s not your fault.”
“It is.”
“No, it’s not.”
“I hate myself for it.” And I do. I’m not only telling her that. In the last two days, I’ve beaten myself up too many times to count over the fact I’ve caused her any pain in her life. She’s already had a lifetime’s worth and deserves nothing but to be loved.
She puts her forehead to mine. “Don’t.”
I turn from her. She lays her palm on my cheek and brings me back to face her. “Don’t.”
How can she not hate me for what I’ve put her through?
A different confusion fills my mind as I melt into her blue eyes full of concern for me, when I deserve anything but that from her.
Then she kisses me, giving herself once again so freely to me, telling me she will be mine forever if I want her.
It kills me further, as I kiss her back, not able to control myself, but knowing I need to get my memory back and get Billie out of my head once and for all. I’m not 100 percent Charlotte’s until I do. And that’s what she deserves.
We make love several times throughout the night. When I finally fall asleep, Charlotte is curled in my arms, and everything feels right. I have a notion things will be okay, that going forward, I won’t hurt her anymore, but that is my mistake.
I should have stayed awake.
15
Xander
“Yes, Billie, don’t stop,” I tell her as she circles her hips on my cock.
“You like that?” She stops.
“Don’t be a tease.” I grasp her hips and move them myself.
She giggles, and her honey-colored hair falls against my face as she leans down and kisses me.
I pull her into me, groaning as she moves again.
“Faster, Billie,” I beg.
She moves faster, and my balls tighten.
“Oh, I’m so close,” I tell her.
She slows down. “Don’t you want to be with me more?”
“Of course I want to be with you more.”
“Good. Quit talking.” She speeds up then, out of nowhere, slows again.
“Fuuuuuuck, Billie,” I yell out.
“Come on, Xander,” she coos. “Quit, and I’ll give you more of this.” She circles her hips again.
“Yes. Do that.”
She stops. “If you want it, you’ll quit.”
Is she seriously withholding sex?
I push her off me, even though my dick wants to explode.
She narrows her eyes. “You don’t love me.”
“You know I love you, Billie.”
She glares at me. “If you loved me, you’d let my parents pay for your school, and you’d quit your paramedic job.”
I scoff. “If you loved me, you wouldn’t ask me to do something like that.”
“We never spend time together anymore. You’re making this choice.”
“Everything I’m doing is so we can have a good life. It’s all for our future.”
“You don’t need to be a paramedic anymore. Let my parents pay and go to school. We can see each other more.”
“No. I don’t accept handouts, and you know it.”
“Xander, I will not waste my twenties waiting for you.”
I jerk my head at her. “Waiting for me?”
“Yes. Sitting on the sidelines and only seeing you every so often.”
“What exactly are you saying? Why don’t you be crystal clear so I don’t misinterpret this.” I glare at her.
She softly replies, “You don’t love me anymore, do you?”
I roll my eyes. She’s just being dramatic. I pull her into me. “Of course I love you. I’ve only ever loved you, Billie.”
“Then quit.”
“I won’t do that, and you know it.”
She pokes my chest with a finger. “Quit, or we’re done.”
“Done?”
“Yes.”
“Let me get this straight. I either quit my job and let your parents pay for my med school, or we break up. No more Billie and Xander. Do I understand this correctly?”
She blinks back tears, puts her hands on her hips, and says, “Yes. Make up your mind because I’m tired of waiting.”
I take a deep breath. So this is what it’s come to? I step forward, wrap her in my arms, and kiss her then pull back. “I’m not quitting, so tell me you are not thinking correctly and are just emotional. I love you, Billie, and you love me. Tell me you are just venting right now.”
She shakes her head. “I am not emotional. I am not venting. I am thinking correctly. Quit, or we’re done.”
I jerk my head back in shock and shake my head. “No.”
Sadness fills her eyes. “I hope you get everything you want in life, Xander.”
“Billie.” I clasp her hand and try to pull her to me, but she yanks away. After throwing on her clothes, she walks to the door.
“Billie, you’re the only person I’ll ever love, and you know that. Don’t do this.”
With tears swimming in her eyes, she gives me a final look. “Goodbye, Xander.”
And then she’s gone. “Fuck!” I plop down and punch the pillow on the sofa, in shock for a moment, wondering if we are really done.
Out of nowhere, music plays. It gets louder and louder and finally is so loud, it snaps me back into reality. I sit up in bed, reach for my phone on the nightstand, and turn off the alarm. It takes me a few seconds to register I’m not in my New York apartment. Where am I?
I turn toward the window. Charlotte, sitting in an armchair, her knees curled into her chest, with her lip shaking and tears streaming down her face.
Oh God. What the hell did I just do?
I jump off the bed to go to her, but before I can get around the bed, she says, “Xander, you need to go.”
“Charlotte, I—”
She cuts me off, and more tears stream down her face. “Please, just go.”
“Charlotte—”
“Please, go,” she cries out. “I can’t do this. I thought I could, but I can’t. You’re in love with someone else. Please go.”
“But—”
“Please. If you care about me at all, you’ll go.” Tears are falling fast out of her eyes, and my heart breaks.
What did I say in my sleep? I wince.
“Please, just go,” she whispers.
I throw on my clothes and glance at her one last time. She points to the door, and I turn and leave.
It’s around three in the morning, and the cold darkness embraces me like a blanket, a stark contrast to the warmth and light Charlotte represents.
My hotel is several miles away,
and I run as I beat myself up, over and over.
I hurt her. Again.
The dream replays in my mind. I hadn’t believed Noah when he told me Billie wanted me to quit and let her parents pay for my school. Now I do. I know it’s what happened.
But what did I say while I was sleeping?
I cringe, thinking about what I might have said, and how she could have taken it.
Fuck.
I should have stayed away from Charlotte. Until I learned the truth about Billie and me, I should have stayed away. My mind isn’t to be trusted right now.
But I never dreamed about anyone except Charlotte. Why did I have to dream about Billie when I was with Charlotte?
I curse myself, a million times, hating myself for the pain Charlotte has endured because of me.
When I arrive at my hotel, I’m full of self-loathing, sadness, and anger. My heart is beating hard, but I feel like it’s been ripped open.
I shower, sling my bag over my shoulder, and leave for work. I’m early, but I can’t stay in the hotel room because I need to pull it together.
The Uber pulls up, and I get in, wishing I was sitting next to Charlotte in her car. I put the palms of my hands against my eyes and try to figure out a strategy on how to not make her hurt any worse today when I’m around her.
When I get in the lobby, I have four mini blueberry muffins wrapped up, and I buy a coffee with cream and two sugars and put a stopper in it so it stays hot. I go to the locker room and open Charlotte’s locker with the code I saw her use the day before.
I set the coffee and bag in it, then lock it, and go to my locker.
It’s best if I’m not here when Charlotte comes in.
After I get ready, I read the schedule. I have two surgeries without Charlotte and the third one with her.
And just because the universe has to play cruel jokes on me, my first two surgeries are with Damon.
Awesome. I take a few deep breaths and remind myself I need to keep it cool where he’s concerned. The last thing I want is to lose my job and be back in New York.
I never thought I would want to live anywhere but New York, but now that I know Charlotte and that she’s here, there is no way I’m leaving Chicago unless she’s with me.
My perspective has shifted.
My reality is no longer the past.
My truth is no longer the same.
It hits me hard. Billie is my past. I haven’t loved her for a long time. While I did love her when we broke up, I don’t remember falling out of love with her. But I no longer care.
Charlotte is my future. She is who I love. Whatever I have to do to make her mine, and win her back, I will.
I pray she will give me another chance.
16
Charlotte
He was having sex with Billie. In my bed.
I try to push it out of my mind, but I can’t.
“Yes, Billie, don’t stop.”
“Faster, Billie.”
“Fuuuuuuck, Billie.”
“You know I love you, Billie.”
“Of course I love you. I’ve only ever loved you, Billie.”
“Billie, you’re the only person I’ll ever love, and you know that.”
Xander’s words recycle in my mind like a cyclone, spinning over and over, ripping through my heart.
What was I thinking? I knew he still had feelings for her. Playing with fire, that’s what I was doing, and I knew it. I allowed myself to pretend it was okay. That Xander would realize that was then, and this is now, and love me again.
But he still loves her.
He doesn’t remember loving me. Pancakes and dreams of fucking me are all he remembers. Text messages reveal our past, but that doesn’t help him remember he loved me.
And he did. He told me he did. And then everything changed.
“You should come to New York and surprise me,” he texted me the night before I did exactly that.
We had only met twice. One night at Club D, once in Columbus. He fed me pancakes, and we screwed so many times in those two short encounters ,I lost track.
After that, we spent a few months communicating every way possible; texting, talking on the phone, emailing, Facetiming each other.
Every single day we communicated any chance we got.
When Piper was in New York and asked if I wanted to bid on him in a charity date auction, I didn’t think twice and was willing to drop up to ten grand to make sure no other woman won. Piper had an old lady bid secretly on him, and she sent me a photo of the paddle. I texted him the picture with a heart drawn around it and, “I own you.”
When he suggested I fly out and surprise him on his day off, I didn’t think twice. He had to stay in New York to pack for his new job in Chicago. Within two hours, I’d hopped on a red-eye, and the taxi dropped me off at his building at five in the morning.
I rang the buzzer.
“Hello.”
“I’m here to collect my property,” I teased.
He didn’t even respond but ran down twelve flights of stairs, he told me later. He opened the door and wrapped his arms around me, picking me up and kissing me with so much intensity, I was breathless.
“Are you really here?” Xander asked when we paused for breath.
I kissed him more.
He cupped my face. “You’re officially the coolest girl ever.”
“You owe me a date, but I want my dessert first,” I teased him.
He picked me up over his shoulder, carried me into the elevator, and, once we got into his apartment, we didn’t leave the bedroom until after noon.
His apartment had boxes all over it, but he unpacked a box to dress up so he could take me to a fancy dinner I remember little of because we were lip-locked the entire meal.
I had to be back in Chicago the next day for work. I had gotten out of the morning surgeries but couldn’t get out of the one at four o’clock in the afternoon.
Xander insisted on driving me to the airport for my flight at seven in the morning. We were almost to the airport, on the expressway, when Xander clasped my hand, looked at me, and said, “Don’t forget I love you, Charlotte.”
I smiled bigger than I ever had before. “Don’t forget I love you, too,” I said right as a driver entering the highway smashed into us, and the car spun in circles.
After that, everything was bloody, full of glass, and red flashing lights.
When I finally saw him, he looked me in the eyes and told me he was sorry but didn’t remember me and then asked Noah about Billie.
For six months I tried coming to terms with the fact I needed to move on because he was in love with someone else, not me.
Then he came back into my life and reminded me over and over why I love him so much.
But nothing has changed. He still loves Billie, and now he’s dreaming about her, not me.
I step out of the hot shower and towel off.
Get your shit together, Charlotte.
I stare at my puffy eyes in the mirror and try to apply makeup but give up. What is the point?
I get dressed for work, repack my bag, and head out.
As I drive to work, I try to figure out how to deal with Xander.
Keep it professional. Only look and talk to him if you have to during surgery. Do not put yourself in a situation to be alone with him.
I park my car, walk into the hospital, and make my way to the locker room, avoiding all conversations with anyone I can. When I step into the room, I read the schedule first.
No surgeries with Xander until later this afternoon. Thank you, universe. At least I’ll have a few hours to continue pulling it together.
I go to my locker and unlock it to find a coffee, along with a brown bag. I close my eyes for a moment. Xander.
“Wow, you have a secret admirer or something? I’d die to have a coffee waiting for me.” Tabi’s voice rings in my ear.
I open my eyes. She’s staring at me.
“Hey, you okay?”
“Y
es. I didn’t sleep well last night, that’s all.”
She tilts her head. “Please tell me Damon didn’t leave that for you?”
I shake my head hard. “No. He doesn’t know my code. Plus, I’m sure he hates me right now.”
“Why?”
I shrug. I’m definitely not telling Tabi anything about Damon and me.
“Who knows your code, if it isn’t him?”
“No one. Forget you saw it,” I tell her.
Tabi reaches in and puts her hands around the coffee. “It’s still hot. You’d better drink it, especially if you didn’t get any sleep.”
I realize the only way to not have Tabi ask any more questions is to take the coffee and drink it. I pull out the stopper and take a sip.
She picks up the bag and opens up. “Blueberry muffins. Yum.”
“You can have one,” I tell her.
She reaches in, retrieves one, and hands it to me then she snatches one for herself. “To your secret admirer!” She grins and taps her muffin to mine.
When we’re done eating, she announces, “Well, I have surgery with the devil himself this morning. At least you don’t have to deal with that on no sleep!”
She doesn’t seem to have any love for Damon anymore. Not that I can blame her.
“At least I can ogle the new eye candy. Have you noticed how hot Dr. Kane is?”
My face flushes, but I shrug my shoulders. “He’s okay,” I lie to her.
“Okay? Have you not looked at that boy?”
I try to blow her off. “Just another doctor. Okay, I have to get moving here. I’ll see you later, Tabi.”
“Wish me luck.” She rolls her eyes.
“Best of luck. See you later.”
I shut my locker door and take my coffee with me, almost to my surgery room when I run into Xander.
My heart beats faster, and I can tell from the emotion in his eyes he feels terrible, but he doesn’t bring it up.
“Morning,” he says with a little smile.
“Hey.” I can’t help the small smile forming on my face.
We say nothing, just stare at each other. It isn’t uncomfortable, which makes it hurt more because, from the moment I met Xander, everything was always so comfortable between us.
