by Nevada Barr
Others were children, then adolescents, then adults. Their loves and hates traded places over the years, religion turned to cynicism, and cynicism to a desperate belief in God. Richard was as he had always been.
“Rich, honey, are you about ready? I’m so sorry to rush you… ” The words were accompanied by a head of tight gray curls sprayed stiffly in a coronet, peeking around the door frame.
“You’re not rushing me, Ellen,” Richard said, smiling for her. Ellen was Sara’s oldest friend. She’d cheerfully taken Sara’s shifts when his guardian had needed time off to work out the adoption and when she had come to watch him in debate tournaments. “I just want to look my best is all.”
“I know you do, honey. You take your time. We’ll tell the driver to wait.”
The head disappeared and he heard the clacking of her heels on the hardwood of the upstairs hallway. Sara had moved like a ghost in rubber-soled shoes. A lifetime of nursing left her with a bad back, a penchant for soft-soles, and a sense that she was constantly disturbing someone. Most of Sara’s friends were nurses. They would all be there today if they weren’t on shift at Mayo. A few doctors might come, but not many. Unless the nurses were young and beautiful or total screwups, the doctors didn’t much notice them.
Shrugging into his jacket, Richard looked around at what had once been his parents’ bedroom. Now it was his; he’d taken it against Sara’s wishes when they’d moved into the Raines house. That, too, had been against her wishes, and though it was twice the size of hers and immeasurably grander, she’d never been comfortable in it.
“Why don’t we sell it?” she’d say. “Buy something more modern?” He knew she wanted the move more for his sake than hers, at least in the first year they’d lived there.
When getting him to sell failed, she tried to change the house from within. “Why don’t we knock this wall out, make this room into one big space? It would be much lighter in winter.” Or, “Let’s get rid of all this dark old paneling and put up cheery wallpaper!”
Richard didn’t change anything. Dylan might need to come back here, might need to see it again, and he wanted the house to be as his brother had left it.
Richard turned back to the mirror. He looked like a million bucks, which, with the inheritance his parents had left, the little nest egg from Sara, and the gifts of cash from kind-hearted Minnesotans back when he was an injured child, was very close to what he was worth. Richard knew the value of money. Money bought time and influence; that it also bought cars, and books, and meals out was a side issue. People who focused on that didn’t keep their money long.
Dylan was looking like a good candidate for early parole. If it came through, Richard was determined to give the court no excuse not to release his brother into his custody. Money would do that for him. What made bellboys and chief justices alike was that they respected money, believed the rich were more deserving than the poor.
With luck, Dylan could be out in a couple of years.
Good old Phil.
Richard’s mouth tightened. He wished he could be the one to help his brother, but Phil Maris must have moved up the food chain since he’d been fired. He evidently had connections in high places now. Maybe he’d had some even then. The whole incident of the firing from Drummond had been swept under the rug. Nobody but Richard, Drummond’s warden, and maybe Dylan knew he’d gotten canned. The official story was that he got a better position in St. Cloud.
Richard dismissed Phil from his mind.
In the mirror, the image of his face softened, saddened. “Sara was good to me; we were good for each other. I shall miss her,” he whispered. Shrugging into his new coat, he took a last look in the glass. Satisfied, he headed downstairs to the waiting limousine.
Valhalla Cemetery was outside of town, situated on gentle rolling hills, wooded at the crests, with the headstones filling the valleys. There wasn’t a nicer place to be dead than Valhalla. The plot had cost a bundle, but it came with perpetual care, and Richard knew it would please Sara’s friends. They would believe her to be resting easier there than in a more crowded, less scenic graveyard in the old part of town.
It was January; the trees were black and wiry and the hillsides dun colored. An early thaw warmed the temperature to near fifty. Muddy remnants of snow were shrinking, filling the narrow lanes with running water. Richard winced as it ran over his new dress shoes but held steady to help Ellen and Sara’s other best friend, Opal, from of the back of the limousine.
Across the dead grass a clot of people waited at the gravesite, standing on three sides of the hole, staring expectantly into it as if it were giving instead of receiving today. On the fourth side of the grave, incongruously kelly green under a covering of fake grass, was the soil that had been removed. It was oozing back into the earth in drips and drabs as the ice melted.
Dr. Ravi, not yet American enough to know he didn’t have to show his respect for the dead if they didn’t have an MD, stood alone and to one side. In a tight group at the opposite end stood Dylan and two “counselors.” Discounting the psychiatrists and high school teachers, Richard doubted if there were half a dozen college degrees in all of Drummond.
“Brother,” he said and left Sara’s friends looking daggers after him, past him, toward Dylan. Richard hugged his brother and was startled to feel hard muscle where a boy should have been.
Dylan leaned awkwardly into him and Richard realized they had him in handcuffs. Anger flashed through him like klieg lights coming on in a dimly lit theater; suddenly every corner was thrown into stark relief. Illusion was destroyed, stark reality exposed.
The men who had brought his brother to his adopted mother’s funeral in shackles had no more original thought than dumb animals. Far from stirring compassion in his breast, it made him want to bludgeon them with a sledgehammer the way they felled cattle at slaughter houses. For a brief moment, time enough for the guards to see the darkness behind his gaze and shift uncomfortably without knowing why they did, he considered them as dead meat. With the barest of nods, he released them. It would be inappropriate to make a scene at a funeral.
Dylan smiled, shrugging off the embarrassment of the manacles. Clumsily, he clasped Richard’s arm in lieu of a hug. “Whoa,” Dylan said and banged gently on his brother’s arm, pretending to listen as if to ringing steel. “Been working out, huh?”
Richard was inordinately pleased by the compliment. Though he courted admiration, he didn’t really care much about it. But when it came from Dylan, Richard basked in it. He was Dylan’s best friend. And Dylan was his.
“You, too, buddy,” he returned the compliment sincerely. “Pumping iron? Don’t go cliché on me. I don’t want you coming out looking like Bluto.”
For a moment they grinned at each other, foolish as puppies. Then, “Hey, man, I’m sorry about Sara,” Dylan said quietly.
Remembering where they were, Richard sobered up as well. “Sara was good to me; we were good for each other. I’m going to miss her. It’s my fault… ” he began and was surprised to feel tears welling up.
“You can’t take that on yourself. You took care of her as well as she took care of you,” Dylan said. “You remember that. You carry the weight of the world, brother. Put some of it down. This one isn’t yours.”
The minister made come-to-order noises. Richard stepped away from his brother to share himself with Opal and Ellen. Ellen, the closer of the two, took his arm possessively and glared at Dylan as if he was going to murder them all.
After the service was read and Richard had dropped a clump of mud onto the casket’s lid-there wasn’t a dry handful of dirt to be had in all of Valhalla at that moment-the two brothers, two elderly ladies, and two prison guards watched the pastor leave, hurrying over the wet sod, picking and hopping like a water bird trying to scare up lunch.
“I wish we could have had Father Probst,” Ellen said sadly.
Richard groaned softly. Opal hissed, “Ellen!”
Ellen, looking older than she had on the dr
ive out to the cemetery, her nose reddened with the chill, her eyes with crying, grabbed the breast over her heart as if stricken. “Honey, I am so sorry. I just meant… ”
“I know what you meant,” Richard said kindly and tucked her strong, chapped fingers under his arm. “I wish she could have had her priest as well. Mass was a comfort to her. I just wish I could have helped. I knew she didn’t want to move back into that house. Being there preyed on her mind. Jesus.” Tears had come again. Richard dropped Ellen’s hand to fumble under his coat for a handkerchief.
Opal snatched his arm. “There was nothing you could do, honey,” she insisted. “Sara’d been depressed for so long. Since her divorce really and then, well, you know, her son and all. You gave her more happiness than she would ever have had. Don’t you think different. Sara wouldn’t allow it,” she said trying for cheer.
“Sara spoiled me rotten,” Richard admitted. “Whatever I wanted, she let me have.”
“She couldn’t say no to you, could she?” Ellen said, and then she started to cry again.
“I think she was spoiled herself!” Opal said in sudden startling anger. “This was a rotten, selfish thing if you ask me. Doing like that! What did she think it was going to do to her friends? To you? I don’t think I’ll ever forgive her for letting you find her like she did.”
“Rich?”
Dylan’s voice cut through the outpouring of emotion that was choking Richard. He was glad of an excuse to move away from the women. Opal’s hand pulled out from the crook of his arm, catching and dragging at him like a strangling vine. It was all he could do not to jerk free.
“Bad day, brother,” he said smiling sheepishly at Dylan.
“No shit. Look, I’ve got to go. Sorry. You know I’d stay if I could. Those biddies are liable to feed you to death on casseroles and cake without somebody to back you up.”
“Let my brother come home for a bite,” Richard said winningly to the smartest-looking guard.
“Sorry. The service is all,” the man replied stoutly.
His nose was redder than the fifty-degree temperature and pleasant breeze could account for. This guy liked his booze.
“Come on,” Richard urged. “You and your partner could use a little stiffener, a little something to take off the chill. What do you say? I get the comfort of family; you get a break from routine.” Richard’s smile was a beauty. When it came to dentistry, Sara made sure he spent money on himself.
Rudolf the Red-nosed looked at his cohort. “Whaddyasay?” He could already taste the booze, Richard could tell. The other guard probably had his own addictions but Richard guessed they had nothing to do with drugs and all to do with the boys he “counseled.”
“Just the service. Orders.”
“Come on, man.” Richard tried to put the smile back on. “Just for a few minutes. Nobody has to know. What can it hurt?”
“No can do,” the priggish little man said stiffly.
“Don’t be such a jerk,” Richard snapped and knew he’d pushed too far. Even Rudolf suddenly got a spine.
“That’ll be enough out of you, kid. I’m sorry your aunt or whatever-”
“You morons get your AA degree at community college and a job bullying kids in juvie, and you have the nerve to come to my aunt or whatever’s graveside, my mother’s funeral, for God’s sake-”
“Rich, stop. Be cool. Come on, brother.” Dylan took his arm in both hands, the cuffs making it awkward. He shouldered in between Richard and the guards.
“It’s okay, Rich. Thanks. But they can make it worse back at juvie.” To the guards he said, “Give my brother a break. The guy just lost somebody. Don’t be such pricks. Back off, why don’t you?”
The two men backed off a couple of paces. Rudolph lit a cigarette. “It’s no biggie, Rich. I’m out of there in a couple years anyway. Eigh teen and I go to the big house. What a trip, huh? Come on, brother, you grieve for Sara. I’ll be okay. It’s okay.” Dylan leaned close, his forehead nearly touching Richard’s, his manacled hands still firm around Richard’s arm. “They’re not worth it, Rich. Take it from me. They aren’t worth the sweat.”
Richard breathed in slowly and deeply and tried to blow out some of the ice rime that had formed around his heart. “I’m okay.”
“You sure?”
“Yeah. I’m sure.”
Dylan was wearing a cheap suit coat Drummond had given him-or more likely lent all the boys-for formal outings. Richard put his hand on his brother’s wrist, causing the jacket’s sleeve to slide up exposing Dylan’s forearm.
“Tell me this is a joke,” he said, pulling Dylan’s arm out straight, staring at the ink marks on the white flesh.
Dylan said nothing. “Shit,” Richard said. “Why don’t you just have your bros write ‘lowlife ex con’ across your forehead and be done with it? You know what this does? This brands you as a piece of shit. When you get out, everybody will see this and think you’re a scumbag. Shit.”
Richard turned away and stared into the sun, trying to burn out the cold that was coming back into him. “Pumping iron and getting prison tats. You proud of yourself?” he asked without turning back.
“Let it go, Rich. It was stupid. I was high. Let it go.”
“High.”
“Let it go, man.”
There was something in Dylan’s voice that turned Richard around to face him. Dylan felt dangerous.
“Sure,” Richard said. He smiled and clapped Dylan on the shoulder. “Sure.” He walked with his brother and his brother’s keepers to the paddy wagon, an old station wagon tricked out with a screen and bolts in the floor to anchor chains and manacles.
“The big house,” Dylan had said. Richard thought he’d heard a hint of pride or boasting in the words. Like a baseball player in the minor leagues talking about going to “the show.”
Pumping iron and tattoos.
He had to get Dylan out while he was still Dylan, still his brother. If it meant kissing Phil Maris’s well-connected ass, so be it.
21
“Screw Phil Maris. He was nobody,” Rich said. “His aunt wasn’t even anybody; she just happened to be the governor’s secretary. The bastard should have done it years ago. You were eleven for Christ’s sake.”
“He’s right, Dylan. I’m glad Mr. Maris worked this out but you don’t owe him anything.” This from the backseat of the car, where a man in a heavy wool suit was sitting. The man who’d come with Rich. Mr. Leonard from the Minnesota Department of Corrections.
Dylan tuned them both out and watched the fields pass by through the car’s window. He wasn’t shackled, he wasn’t behind a heavy mesh security screen, and there was a handle on the inside so he could open and close his door. He could get out any time he wanted.
He was free.
A sick sort of guilt lay in the pit of his stomach like a piece of rotten food. Why wasn’t he brimming over with gratitude toward Phil? No big house, no state pen. Freedom. Anybody else would be high, back slaps all around, telling stories of what they would do when they got to the nearest bar, or restaurant, or woman.
Dylan just felt scared. He wouldn’t admit it to Rich or the guy in the backseat-he wasn’t really even admitting it to himself, not in words-but mostly he wanted to go home, back to Drummond. Not really. He didn’t really want to be there. But in Drummond he knew the rules, knew who he was, how to act. What would happen outside when people found out he was the infamous Butcher Boy? Inside he had his pals; they watched each other’s back. Dylan had status; an old-timer in a short-time facility.
Outside would they beat the crap out of him? Keep their kids inside when he walked by? Set their dogs on him? His mom and dad had had a lot of friends. Would they try to get him put back inside? There was no place for the likes of him in the real world. He belonged behind bars. Rapists, thieves, wife beaters, murderers-they were his people.
“ Rochester ’s out,” he said suddenly. “ Minnesota is out.” He had no idea where he meant to go. Other than visiting California
when he was four to see some cousin, he’d never been anywhere more exotic than Iowa.
Silence followed his announcement. The feeling of guilt spread like poison up Dylan’s esophagus. Maybe he was carsick, but he didn’t think so. The silence stretched. Miles slid by, fields green with summer air so clear and sweet the birds sang with it. Dylan was going to cry if he didn’t watch it. Like a little kid.
“I kept the house like it was,” Rich said finally. “I thought you’d want to come home.”
Why would anybody think he wanted to go home? Home is where the heart is.
Dylan pictured his heart, out of his body, lying in the bloody hallway beside the mutilated corpse of his sister. The vision was as brief as it was toxic. He shoved the picture back into the recesses of his mind. These were things he’d worked at not seeing for years, worked to keep Kowalski from dragging up. He’d gotten good at it.
He said nothing, just kept looking out of the window. Cows were grazing by the road. If he could choose a life, that would be the one he picked, the life of a cow munching grass never knowing one day it would be hamburger.
“I can see why you might not want to go back to Rochester, son,” the man in the backseat said carefully.
The “son” grated on Dylan. He was nobody’s son.
“Reentering life on the outside is hard. Lots of boys don’t acclimatize. Maybe even most boys. They end up back inside. I hope that’s not the case with you, but it could be.”
Dylan thought about that for a while. It wasn’t news. In his seven years in Drummond he’d seen the revolving door spinning, kids in, and out, and in again. Mostly, they came back boasting about the time they’d had outside, like they were sailors back on the ship bragging about their conquests during shore leave. He could do that-boost a car or get in a fist fight and get himself thrown back in jail. The state or federal pen this time. He was eighteen.
“Guaranteed,” Dylan said.
