by Ana Medeiros
“I always want you to be part of my life,” Meredith continued. “But I’m young. I have a lot of people to meet, a lot of places to see, a lot of experiences to embrace…a lot of plates of pancakes to eat.”
They both laughed.
“Here, let me help you with that.” Julian reached for his cutlery and took a big piece of a pancake with his fork.
As they were eating, the waitress brought them coffee and while Meredith had hers with cream and sugar, Julian drank his black.
“The whole time you and I’ve known each other we’ve had sex with other people. We both know that,” she said, holding her mug with both hands. “The only reason you’re now uncomfortable discussing Alana with me is because there are feelings involved. To you, it’s not just fucking. You care for her.”
Julian lifted his eyes to her and it looked like he was thinking about what to say. “I care for you, Meredith.”
“I know you do,” she replied, her tone matter of fact. “Alana won’t change that. Because of her, you and I have become closer.”
“I believe we would have become closer, regardless. It’s only normal for people who sleep together for a long period of time.”
“Or, you might start to hate them.”
“Sure, but regardless of the nature of your feelings you have grown closer.”
“Is that happening between you and Alana? You’re growing closer?”
“Yes…I’m also growing more aware of certain things.”
“Which things?”
“It’s complicated.”
“Explain complicated…and while you’re at it, can you put your back into eating these? You’ve taken, like,” Meredith paused, waving her fork in the air, “two bites. It’s pitiful.”
“Jesus, you’re so bossy.” Julian removed his sweater and rolled up the sleeves of his dress shirt. He grabbed his fork again and started to eat. “I’m not even hungry.”
“You should be. You look like you haven’t eaten in days.”
“I’m trying to help you finish these. Otherwise you’ll be here all night.”
Meredith rolled her eyes. “Oh please, I’m putting you out of your misery by sharing my food with you. Pancakes make everything better.”
“I have to admit, these are damn good.” He spoke as he chewed. “Delicious.”
“See? I know what I’m talking about. You look perkier already.” She grinned, winking at him.
“It’s the blueberries. My favorite.”
“Now tell me, what’s complicated?”
“She reminds me of someone…of them.”
That caught Meredith’s attention. “The twins, you mean?”
“Yes, Sofia and Tatia.”
“Did something happen?”
“Yes and no. I’ve realized that I’m projecting.”
Meredith couldn’t stop herself from looking confused. “I’m trying to understand what you’re saying. In your mind Alana is the twins and that’s why you are sleeping with her…and that’s why the nightmares have become worse? You feel guilty or something?”
“I’m not sleeping with her because she reminds me of Sofia and Tatia. I’m sleeping with her because I’m physically attracted to her. You were also attracted to her when you saw her at the club, no?”
“I was. But for some reason, she’s not the type of woman I ever imagined you with.”
“My friend Pete said the same thing when he met her.” Julian reached for the maple syrup and poured more of it on the pancakes. “But going back to your question, I care for her because she reminds me of them. But, at the same time, her presence in my life is making the nightmares worse.”
Meredith watched Julian put half a pancake in his mouth and gulp down half of the coffee in his mug. For someone who wasn’t hungry he was doing a very good job at cleaning up her plate.
“Julian, sorry to break it to you, but you’ll only be able to care for women who, in one way or another, remind you of Sofia and Tatia. You need to come to terms with that.”
Meredith’s comment made him chew slower. “Are you saying I care for you because, somehow, you also remind me of them?”
“Yes. Something about me, could be really small, like the way I scrunch up my nose when I’m unhappy or the way I tilt my head when I am trying to focus. Anything. But with Alana it’s stronger because of whatever is going on between her and Thompson you perceive her to be in a vulnerable situation.” She lifted her hands up in the air. “Congratulations! That’s what I call a strike of good luck.”
Julian didn’t look pleased with her sarcasm. “I think now is a good time for you to stop analyzing me.”
“I’m not analyzing you. I’m just telling you how it is.”
“Forgive me if I fail to see the difference.”
“So, what are you going to do about her?”
He sighed. “I don’t know.”
“Have you told her about the twins?”
“I haven’t.”
“You should.”
“I believe Alana has enough problems in her life. She doesn’t need to hear mine.”
“I doubt you told me about the twins because you thought my life needed some extra misery. It’s about you sharing with Alana something very important to you. Something that has shaped who you are today.”
He didn’t reply and Meredith took the opportunity to continue. “Look at yourself, Julian. I’m worried about you. Clearly you can’t go about things the way you have been up until now. It’ll put you in your grave.”
“I don’t want you to worry. I just need time to deal with it. All will be fine.”
“Did you have a chance to ask Alana about Steven Thompson?”
“She won’t tell me anything.”
“That’s not a good sign.”
“I know.”
“I have never asked you this, but how did The Raven Room come to be?”
Julian shook his head. “Meredith, I’m just a guy with a membership.”
“How did you get one?” she asked, watching him eat.
“I can’t tell you that. There are rules…rules I cannot break.”
“You can’t tell me how you became a member? How come I’m allowed there? Is Alana a member as well or is she taken there, the same way you take me?”
“Why are you asking me these questions?” Julian didn’t try to hide his frustration.
“Because I should know, don’t you think?” she asked, lifting an eyebrow. “I’ve been to The Raven Room several times, was dragged up a set of stairs by a scary looking asshole and I don’t know anything about the damn place. That night, it looked like you knew those men. You were even speaking to them in Mandarin. What’s down there, Julian? Don’t tell me it’s another entrance because that’s a lie. It either has to do with drugs or sex. Or maybe both. And it’s fucked up shit, isn’t it? The woman that was found dead was young and beautiful. Just like Alana. Do you want her to end up dead too?”
Meredith could see she had succeeded at bringing out Julian’s least pleasant side. “Don’t ever say that again.” His tone was cold and his green eyes had become hard. “I would never want anything to happen to Alana, to you, or to any other woman. Do you understand? I saw both my mother and the twins being abused and I was powerless to stop it.”
“You might not know who killed her, or even if the club is involved, but do you think it is a possibility for her death to be linked to The Raven Room?” Meredith asked.
“Of course it’s a possibility. You bring together a group of bored people with too much money and power under one roof; you tell them—please feel free to mingle, fuck and fulfill all of your kinks and fantasies. What do you think is going to happen?”
“Do you know who owns The Raven Room?”
Julian placed his fork down and looked straight at her. Meredith saw him clenching his jaw and if this had been six months ago, she would have retreated from him with apprehension. Sleeping together over an extended period of time may bring people closer together.
It also made one worry less about the consequences of their words and actions.
“I don’t think anyone really knows who owns The Raven Room.”
“Do you have any ideas who might?” she continued.
“I don’t. It’s not my business and neither is it yours.”
They stared at each other for what felt to Meredith like a very long time. He was angry but she wasn’t bothered by it. She knew how to handle Julian when he was angry. What made her truly uncomfortable was Julian’s ability to act like he was in control of himself, while giving the impression that if he loosened the grip on his iron clad self-restraint, his menacing temper would be released and cause a great deal of destruction in its path. She had never seen him display a large degree of emotion but she knew it was there, held in check beneath his steely exterior.
Before she could say anything else, his phone, which was on the table, started to vibrate. They both glanced at the bright screen and saw Grace’s name. Frowning, he held his phone as it vibrated a few more times. “Sorry, I have to take this call.”
As soon as he answered, Meredith could hear a distressed female voice on the other side. She assumed it was the same Grace married to Julian’s friend, Peter. Meredith couldn’t make out what the woman was saying, but by the tone of her voice and Julian’s attempts to get her to calm down, it was clear that something was wrong. She didn’t want to eavesdrop but at the same time she couldn’t ignore it. As soon as Julian ended the call, he got up from the booth and started to put on his sweater and coat.
“I have to go,” he said, holding his car keys and his phone. Reaching inside his pocket he dropped a fifty-dollar bill on the table. “It’s on me.”
Meredith glanced at the money. “What happened?”
“Pete’s wife is on her way to my place with the boys. I need to get home.” Julian leaned toward Meredith and, before he could stop himself, he kissed the top of her head and breathed in the scent of her hair. He noticed the gesture caught Meredith by surprise and, in some ways, he was surprised by it as well.
Meredith looked up at him. “Call me if you need anything.”
“Thanks,” Julian said, his hand gently cradling her nape, “I will.”
Chapter 18
Julian was thankful that the streets were clear of snow and he was able to drive home faster than usual. Grace had sounded frantic on the phone. As he was about to reach his condo building, Julian’s phone started to vibrate. It was Peter. Julian tucked the phone back into his pocket. Before anything else, he wanted to speak with Grace. Peter left him a voicemail and he listened to it while he was in the elevator from the underground parking garage. His friend wanted to know if his wife and sons were with him. Stopping in the large lobby, Julian saw Grace sitting on one of the couches with both Seth and Eli on her lap.
“I got here as soon as I could,” he said, approaching her.
Holding both boys, Grace tried to stand up. By the trail of used tissues on the table in front of her, Julian could tell she was struggling to keep herself together. He took one of the twins from Grace and instantly got hit in the face with a small hand. They were sturdy babies, hard to control if they decided they weren’t in the mood to be held.
With Seth in his arms, Julian took the large baby bag from Grace. “Let’s get upstairs.”
“I’m sorry to show up like this,” she said, her head low.
“Don’t apologize. We’ll get Seth and Eli comfortable.”
An hour later, the boys were asleep on a thick blanket on Julian’s bedroom floor and he and Grace were sitting in the dimly lit kitchen, each with a large glass of red wine in front of them.
“Grace, what happened?”
“Pete and I got in a huge fight. There’s something wrong, Julian. I don’t know what it is but I know there’s something wrong.”
“With him? Did he do or say something?”
“We’ve both been so busy with work, you know, sometimes our schedules don’t line up and trying to raise two boys…it’s hard. We don’t spend that much time together but I’ve noticed he’s always on his computer, or his phone…he’s online a lot.”
“Do you suspect he’s—”
“Cheating on me?” she said, finishing the question for him. “He might be, I don’t know. He probably is.”
“Have you asked him?”
“I have, Julian, several times but he continues to give me the same answer. That he isn’t and I’m just acting crazy. He accuses me of resenting him for cheating on me in the past.”
“Do you resent him?”
“I don’t trust him.”
“He called me as I was driving home,” Julian explained, watching her carefully as he spoke. “I didn’t pick up but he left me a voicemail asking if you and the boys were with me. Does he know you’re here?”
“I didn’t tell him where I was going. I just grabbed the kids and left.”
“You need to tell him you and the boys are safe. He needs to know.”
“I don’t want to talk to him. At least not yet.”
“I’ll have to call him then.”
“I don’t want him coming here.”
“I agree that Pete coming here now is not a good idea. I’ll ask him to give you some space.”
Julian took his phone from his pocket and saw that, since leaving the voicemail, Peter had tried calling him three more times. He was probably frantic by now.
Alone in his office, Julian made the call. Peter answered the phone on the second ring and, as Julian suspected, he was worried and extremely irate. Julian had left the kitchen because he didn’t want Grace hearing Peter shouting. He found out that Grace had slapped her husband during their argument. It took a long time to calm Peter down. Until they were thinking more clearly and in control of their emotions, he wanted to keep Grace and Peter away from each other.
Julian promised his friend he would call him first thing in the morning to let him know how Grace and the boys were doing and that, until then, they should get some sleep. He reminded Pete that there were two young children whose well-being needed to come first.
After hanging up, Julian returned to the kitchen and sat on the tall stool beside Grace. Wrapped in a throw, she was nursing her glass of wine.
“What did he say?” she asked without looking at Julian.
“He was very worried and he’s angry.” Holding his glass, he was quiet for a while. “Did you hit him?”
“I did. And right now, if he walked through that door, I would slap him again.”
“Grace, you and Pete can’t go around hitting each other. I had no idea your relationship had deteriorated this much.”
“Really, Julian, you of all people had no idea? After everything Pete has done, after everything I’ve done, you didn’t think our relationship was this fucked-up?”
“I guess I refused to see it.”
“I don’t know what to do. I’m so unhappy.” Grace rested her head on her hand and Julian continued to sit still, listening to her. “It’s everything…you know?” she continued, wiping away the fresh tears with her hands. “Working at the law firm is so stressful. I hate it. And then there’s the house, the cars, the trips…sustaining our lifestyle is not cheap and I see myself almost forced to work harder. Just so I can continue to afford what I have. God, I feel insecure. Since having the twins I don’t like the way I look. I went to see a dietician so I can eat healthier, I have a personal trainer but I loathe working out. I’m so sick of it. All of it. I feel like I’ve lost myself, that I’m trapped in a life I never wanted. I don’t know what to do.”
Julian wrapped his arm around her shoulders and brought her closer to him.
“How can I stop feeling this way?” she whispered, her face buried in his chest.
“I wish I had an answer.” Reaching for the glass of wine with his other hand, he took a sip. “Many people feel the way you do.”
“Aren’t you supposed to know what’s wrong with me?” Grace said, her voice made rough by the te
ars.
“It’s not a matter of right or wrong.”
“I want you to tell me,” she paused, taking a steadying breath, “is Pete cheating on me? If he is you’d know.”
Continuing to hold Grace, Julian rested his chin on top of her head. She was right, Peter had told him about the woman he had met online but he couldn’t share that with her. He couldn’t tell her the truth because if he did she would walk away from her marriage hating Peter and Julian didn’t want that for Seth and Eli. Above it all he needed to protect them.
“He hasn’t told me anything,” he said, holding her more tightly.
Hearing him speak, Grace pulled out of his embrace. “Are you telling me the truth?”
Meeting her gaze, he replied without hesitation. “I am.”
She took the bottle of wine and refilled her glass. “He’s changed. It’s like I don’t know him anymore.” Her stare was lost on the kitchen wall. “I feel like I’m living with a stranger. It scares me. I wonder who I’m married to, really.”
“We both know there have been times in the past when he hurt you and disappointed you, but he loves you and the twins very much. Of that I have no doubt. You’re his family.”
Grace turned to him. “You’re still seeing Alana?”
Her unexpected question caught Julian by surprise.
“I like her,” she said, while drinking her wine.
“You speak like you didn’t expect to.”
“I guess that’s true. All of these years I’ve been listening to Pete describe the type of women you associate with. Meanwhile, I’ve been trying to set you up on dates with my friends and colleagues and nothing ever seemed to stick. Then all of a sudden, you waltz into my home with Alana…pretty, can hold an intelligent conversation, not too young. I was expecting less or nothing at all from you.”
“Because I wasn’t interested in dating your friends and Pete thinks every woman I spend time with is a whore?”
She remained silent.
“Tell me why, Grace.”
“Because you rejected Seth and Eli. You rejected your own kids.”
For several long minutes Julian didn’t reply. He ran his hand through hair and inhaled loudly. “I don’t think we should talk about that right now—”
