Once I’d finished, he sat back and shook his head. I still can’t believe you didn’t tell me any of this, Paige. I mean, I understand now why you were so reluctant to get into a relationship in the first place. Maybe if you’d told me, I wouldn’t have struggled to understand you so much.
If I’d told you, you would have seen me as someone with too many issues, I replied, sitting forward as I attempted to explain it from my point of view. Either you would have decided you didn’t want to risk having those issues come back to bite you on the arse, or else you would have tried too hard to fix me. As it was, we went into our relationship with a clean slate, without any preconceptions of who the other person was and what they’d experienced. And it’s been good, hasn’t it?
He nodded and gave me a small smile. It has, but I feel like you’ve been closed off, as if you don’t trust me.
I felt tears prick my eyes and blinked rapidly. I really didn’t want to let myself get emotional.
I do trust you, I told him. I know that I have to trust you if this is going to work, and I’ve pushed myself not to close myself off from you since we’ve been together. I just didn’t want to have to go into all of this about Mike, to rake it up and go over it again. I didn’t want your sympathy, or your judgement.
Why would I judge you? He looked irritated and I threw my hands up again.
Because people judge women who have been in abusive relationships! I stood up again and started pacing. I know you’re going to say you would never have judged me, but you wouldn’t believe the number of people who I’ve heard talk about victims as if they were stupid, as if they could have easily got themselves out of the situation earlier, or not got into it in the first place. Not to mention those who say there must be another side to the story, what did she do to him, and so on. I didn’t tell a lot of people what happened between me and Mike – even Anna and Gem don’t know absolutely everything – because once it was over that was exactly how I wanted it. Over.
Max shook his head and stood up again. Now that I was standing still again it was his turn to pace the room with his hands in his hair. I watched him for a moment, my stomach churning. Should I have told him sooner? Did I do the right thing? Or had I blown my chance to have a healthy relationship with a decent man?
Eventually Max stopped pacing and turned to look at me.
Anna said that Mike wants you back.
I felt a churning sensation in the pit of my stomach, a mixture of fear at where Max was going with this, and anger at Anna for throwing that revelation in the mix.
He’s claimed he does, but I have no interest in him any more, I told him, stepping forward and putting my hands on his arms.
When she told me that, it made sense. Why you’ve been holding yourself back. I thought you might have been considering it, but then you realised he might be a murderer. The smile had gone, replaced with a stony expression.
What? I was aghast at his train of thought. I was willing to hear Mike’s apology, because that’s what he claimed to be offering, but I don’t think he actually has any remorse for what happened. Yes, I was stupid enough to think he’d changed, but that doesn’t mean I’d ever consider dating him again, even if I were single.
There was a long pause, and I had my heart in my mouth.
I’m sorry Paige, he signed, avoiding eye contact. I can’t think straight at the moment. I think I should go home.
Fine. If that’s what you want. I told myself I wasn’t going to apologise for keeping something to myself when I didn’t want to share it. If he chose to end things because of it, that was his problem. Still, as he walked out of the door I found myself bursting into tears.
It took a couple of hours for me to bring myself to look at my sister after Max had gone. She apologised again for telling him, and I decided I didn’t have the energy to be angry about it. It had happened and neither of us could take it back, so I accepted it and tried to move on.
When I told Anna about Mike being attacked I could see conflicting emotions fighting on her face.
It’s okay, I told her, you don’t have to be upset about it.
Good. I don’t really care what happens to that bastard.
I shook my head. I wouldn’t want him to die. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, however awful they’d been to me. But there were times before I threw him out that I fantasised about him being in an accident or something while he was out, about a police officer turning up at the door and telling me Mike was dead, then I could be free of him without actually having to break up with him. Does that make me a terrible person?
I’d been thinking about this the whole way home, worrying about my own reaction to finding out Mike had been attacked.
Of course it doesn’t. It just means you knew you had to get out, but were too scared to confront him in case he went ballistic. Anna shrugged off my feelings as if they were completely normal, when I had expected her to be shocked by them, and that made me feel better.
This last week has been a nightmare, I told her. Trying to deal with Mike, and now fighting with Max. This is why relationships aren’t worth the hassle. I tried for a wry grin, but it probably ended up looking a bit strangled.
I understand why you wanted him to have changed, Anna said. You want to believe people are inherently decent, and that they care about what happens to the people around them. Unfortunately, not everyone does. Men like Mike are blind to other people’s feelings. It’s all about them.
I nodded. I think he only apologised to make himself feel good, I told her. If he hadn’t seen me again, he never would have considered it. When we were together he only ever did something if he thought he could get something out of it, and this apology was no different.
I’m really sorry about telling Max, she said, apologising for probably the seventh time. I shouldn’t have done it. I thought it was important for you to talk about it, but I shouldn’t have interfered.
I sighed. It’s okay. I’m hoping a bit of space will help him to understand why I didn’t tell him. But I still don’t know if Max is right for me, you know? It’s fun, in a lot of ways, when I’m not stressing out about being in a relationship, but it doesn’t feel like there’s much fire there. Does that make sense? It’s just … nice.
Well there’s always Singh, she replied with a wink, laughing when I rolled my eyes at her.
Don’t start that again. That one’s a dead end, I replied, trying not to remember how natural it had felt to fall asleep on his shoulder the previous night.
Okay, okay. What’s going to happen now? she asked. With the school, I mean. They can’t keep it open if staff are being attacked.
I don’t know. I suppose I’ll find out tomorrow. Whatever happened to Mike, though, it means the murderer is panicking, I told her.
What do you mean? she asked.
Two attacks in two days? They’re trying to cover their tracks, and they’re just making things worse. The longer it takes to find Leon, the greater the danger he’s in.
Fifteen minutes before the murder
Sasha paced up and down in the living room. Mike had gone out about ten minutes after Steve to find out where the head teacher had got to, and the students were getting fractious.
What’s going on? Where’s Leon? Bradley kept asking her every few minutes.
I don’t know where he is. Mike and Mr Wilkinson have gone to look for him. They’ll be back soon.
You said that ten minutes ago.
And on it went. Kian looked like he was close to tears and kept wrapping his arms around himself. Bradley looked ready to punch someone, and Courtney was trying to keep him calm. Only Cassie seemed unruffled by the situation, curled up on the sofa, watching the others.
Can we go and help? Bradley asked.
No, Sasha replied with a firm look. I don’t want you getting lost out there in the snow. You might not find your way back here.
We’d be careful, Bradley insisted. We’d be able to follow our own footprints.
No, you wou
ldn’t, it’s snowing too heavily. They’d be covered over in minutes, Sasha insisted.
Well we can’t just sit here doing nothing! He turned to look at the others. This is our fault. We could have stopped him.
Why is it your fault? Sasha asked.
Bradley took a deep breath, then looked down at the floor. We’re his friends. We should have known. We should have stopped him.
She shook her head. It’s not your fault. If Leon’s run away, he kept his feelings hidden from everyone.
Bradley nodded, but she could tell he didn’t agree. A look passed between the students, and Sasha got the feeling they were keeping something from her.
They sat for another ten minutes before Bradley started pacing again. Sasha’s phone buzzed with a video call from the lead social worker. She glanced at the students, wondering if she could leave them, but there was no way Nina would call her on a Saturday morning if it wasn’t urgent. She slipped out of the room to take the call.
Ten minutes later, she came back into the room. All the students had gone. Fearing they’d left to search for Leon, Sasha grabbed a coat and raced out into the snow, looking for footprints. She didn’t want to stray too far from the cabin, but she couldn’t bear the idea of the other students getting lost – how would it look if Steve and Mike came back and she’d let them leave?
Panic was beginning to set in when she saw the four of them trooping around the edge of the cabin, Bradley with his arm around Kian, Courtney close behind them. Cassie trailed at the back, dragging her feet through the deep snow.
Get back inside! she signed as soon as they were close enough to see. Are you trying to give me a heart attack?
We thought we could help, Courtney explained, her face a picture of misery. But it’s too snowy out here.
That’s what I told you. Come on, back in.
I didn’t want to go, Cassie told her.
Shut up, Cassie, Bradley signed, but Sasha could see his heart wasn’t in it.
They had just taken off their coats and boots when Mike stomped through the door. He went over to Sasha and turned his back on the four students so they couldn’t see what he was signing.
I can’t find either of them, Leon or Steve, he told her.
Sasha let out a long breath. Okay. What do you think we should do?
I think we need to call the police.
Chapter 37
Wednesday 5th December
I did my best to forgive Anna for telling Max. I ended up lying awake half the night, forcing myself not to text Max. This was his issue, I kept reminding myself, though there was a voice in the back of my head that continued to nag at me. If I wasn’t ready to share that part of myself, it said, was I ready to commit to this relationship?
The next morning I got up late, so I was still in my pyjamas when Singh rang and asked me to meet him at the police station. I reminisced briefly about my days working for an agency when I knew in advance what jobs I was going to have each day, but on the other hand I genuinely loved working with the police. I felt like I was actually doing something worthwhile.
When I arrived, Singh met me in the lobby and took me through to an interview room, where Sasha Thomas was sitting next to Cassie. Sasha smiled at me and gave me a nod. A moment later, DI Forest walked in and we were ready to begin.
‘Cassie, you and Sasha have come up here this morning because there is something we need to talk to you about,’ Singh explained, his face grave.
The girl fidgeted in her seat as the DS continued. ‘We have had our computer experts looking at your school systems, and they’ve found some messages between you and a member of staff.’
Cassie’s face drained of all colour and she stopped moving, staring at Singh.
I don’t know what you mean.
‘There are lots of messages between your school computer account and a staff account. They talk about the other students, and Joe. They go right back to when Ms Villiers left the school. The messages stopped in September, when you and the others got your secret phones.’
Sasha’s face was ashen as she watched Cassie for a reaction. The pause before Cassie replied felt like it stretched on for days.
I don’t know what you mean, the girl repeated, looking down at her feet.
Forest sat back and folded her arms. ‘Lying to us won’t help you, Cassie. We’ve read the messages. You knew this person was pretending to be Joe, and messaging all your friends. They told you to pretend you got messages as well.’
Cassie looked around the room for a moment, then looked at Sasha. Am I going to get in trouble?
Sasha shook her head slowly. Just tell the truth. Right now, that’s the most important thing.
I didn’t want Mike to get hurt, Cassie said, anxiety shining on her face. My heart sank at the idea that this young girl was under his spell. I was sure he wouldn’t get involved with a child, however mature she looked, but that didn’t mean he wouldn’t find other ways to manipulate her.
‘Was Mike the person you were messaging?’ Singh asked, and only then did I realise they didn’t know who the staff member was.
What? No! It can’t have been him, Cassie replied, sitting forward and giving the detectives an anxious look.
‘Who was it, then?’ Forest asked. ‘We can’t trace it back to a person. Whoever it was must have set up a new staff account under a fake name, because it doesn’t tell us who you were sending messages to.’
But … she signed, then stopped.
‘But what, Cassie?’ Singh asked eventually.
Cassie looked at Sasha again. I don’t want to get into trouble. And I don’t want anyone else to get into trouble.
Tell them the truth, Cassie. Everything, Sasha told her.
Fine, the girl said with a sigh. My friend told me I had to pretend I’d been texting someone called Joe or Jo. They said it was all part of the game.
‘Who is your friend?’ Forest asked, her patience clearly wearing thin. I remembered the times before when Cassie had alluded to her friend, and comments from other students about this friend being imaginary. I also remembered Sasha’s concerns, when she thought someone was manipulating the students – we had been sure it was Steve, but whoever Cassie had been getting messages from was at the school before Jane was fired, so Steve couldn’t have been Joe after all. Who had been controlling her?
I can’t tell you, Cassie signed, her eyes wide. They told me never to tell anyone about them. I can’t.
The detectives looked at each other, then made an unspoken decision to try another tactic.
‘You say this friend of yours was pretending to be Joe, sending messages to Leon. Is that right?’ Singh asked.
Cassie nodded. And the others. Not just Leon.
‘Well, some of the first messages that “Joe” sent to Leon were texts to his new phone. The messages were backed up to an email address at the school.’
Oh, I know. It was Mr Wilkinson’s. My friend told me they could back up those messages, because then if they got caught we could pretend it was Mr Wilkinson. They said it wouldn’t be a problem.
As Cassie signed this, her eyes darted around the room, and I wondered if she believed what she was saying.
‘Is your friend a man or a woman, Cassie?’
I don’t know, she said, but her face flushed and I thought she was lying. They send me presents and leave me notes.
‘But you said you’re not allowed to tell us who they are. So, you must know.’
She shook her head. I thought I knew, but now I’m confused. She bit her lip and looked down at the floor.
‘Tell us a bit more about your friend then, and the things they’ve done,’ Singh said.
Cassie looked puzzled. I’ve told you everything: texting students, pretending to be other people. My friend told me all about it.
‘What about filming Bradley and Courtney?’
She swallowed, then nodded. My friend knew they were sneaking around, so they got into their school email accounts, and sent them me
ssages pretending to be from each other. They got them to meet in the art classroom, and set up the video camera to film them. Her face fell. But then Ms Villiers saw it, and she got into trouble for not telling the governors. I didn’t want that to happen.
‘Why did your friend tell you about all this?’
They just said we were friends, and they cared about me. They needed me to pretend I got messages from Joe, so the others would trust me, and that I should keep secrets for them because they did stuff for me.
‘What did they do for you?’
Got me things I wanted. Make-up, clothes, shoes. Sometimes I come back from lessons and I find new things in my bedroom. They even leave me cider sometimes, she signed with a mischievous grin. The new phones were from my friend, but I wasn’t allowed to tell the others. They said it was better to message that way than on the school computers.
Forest sat back and folded her arms. ‘Do you realise that your friend might be a murderer, Cassie? Do you realise they might be the person who killed Mr Wilkinson and Mr Achembe?’
The girl shook her head. No, I don’t think so. They wouldn’t do that. They’re kind. They’re the only person who cares about me. All the others think I’m stupid, but they don’t know. They don’t know what I can do. I can make any of them do anything. As she signed this last sentence, her eyes flashed dangerously, and it was obvious just how much she had enjoyed the power this secret knowledge had given her.
‘Cassie, you say this person cares about you, but where are they?’ Forest spread her arms wide. ‘Are they here, confirming that you’re telling the truth? Are they protecting you by confessing to what they’ve done, confessing to asking you to keep these secrets for you? No, Cassie. There’s nobody here, only you.’
Silent Night Page 28
