“Mommy has to be in heaven, Papa. She has to. She never calls me or comes to see me, and I know she loves me. So she must be in heaven.”
*****
Jack leaned back in his chair. He didn't know what to say.
Why would Emmie believe such a thing? He shook his head. No, he was glad she believed in heaven, but why did she believe that Mary was there? Neither Dottie, nor himself, had ever said anything for her to believe that.
He coughed and pushed his chair back so there was room to stand. He looked around her room and found the children's Bible Dottie bought her at Christmas sitting on the nightstand. Emmie's tongue was caught between her teeth as she concentrated on her drawing.
He grabbed the book and sat on her bed. He wished Dottie were here. She'd know how to deal with this ... girl stuff. He opened the book and flipped through the pages until he found the picture he needed.
“Emmie, come over here will ya?”
After she'd climbed onto the bed and settled herself, Jack showed her the picture. “Is this what you're drawing?”
“Yep, heaven.”
Jack took in a deep breath. He was out of his league here. Grandpa's were for building swing sets and picnic tables, for sneaking cookies behind Grandma's back and giving good whisker rubs. Not for all this foolish talk about heaven. Next she'd be asking about angels. He shook his head. He would not talk about angels.
“Emmie, heaven is for those who are ready to see God. For old people. Like me.”
Emmie looked up in horror. He could see the questions in her eyes.
“No, no ... I'm not going to heaven, well, not right now. But when I die.” He grunted. “It's not for little girls, okay? I'm not all that happy you're thinking about heaven Emmie girl. If I'm not ready to go there, I'm sure as ... well, I'm not ready for you either. Okay?”
“Okay, Papa.” Emmie shrank back. He'd been too gruff with her. He put his arm around her and pulled her over so he could give her a hug.
“Oh, Emmie. Heaven is a place you go when you die. But you've got a long time before you'll even need to think about going there, okay?” He smiled.
A tentative smile lit her face as she gazed up at him.
“I know, Papa. But maybe, when we go there, we can look for Mommy?”
CHAPTER TWENTY
“Alexis called me this morning,” Sheila, Megan's mother said on the phone.
Megan tucked her legs under her body as she relaxed on the couch.
“Why did she call?” It wasn't unusual for her children to call their grandmother, but it was odd that Sheila would call to tell her.
“She wanted to come over for a sleepover.”
“For when?” Megan picked up her glass of water and took a sip.
“Tonight.”
Megan snorted. Like that was going to happen. “You told her no, right?”
“Of course I did. It’s a school night. But, she told me about the teacher’s note...”
Megan winced at the thought of that note. She'd shown it to Peter this morning before he left for work.
“She feels bad, Megan, for what she said to you.”
That shocked Megan. Alexis hadn't said anything to her this morning. She was late for breakfast, grabbed an apple and waited outside in the Jeep for Megan. She must have been on the phone.
“Megan, did you hear what I said?”
“I heard. Thanks for letting me know.”
“Well, just don't be too hard on her, okay?” Sheila said. Megan heard the judgment in her voice. She bristled.
“Thank you for telling me how to raise my daughter.” Megan made sure sarcasm laced her voice.
An audible sigh came through.
“Megan, for pity’s sake. I shouldn't even have to call to tell you that Alexis called me. But you’ve got blinders on--”
“Blinders, mom? I've got blinders on? Wow. That's a good one, coming from you.” Her blood began to boil. Of all people ...
“Now that was uncalled for.” Megan knew what was about to come. The sympathy card.
“I did the best I could for you, Megan, and you know it. Honestly, I'm tired of you holding my parenting skills, or lack thereof as you often remind me, over my head. You're an adult now. Time to grow up and deal with life.”
Megan jumped up from the couch.
“I am dealing with life. The best way I can.” Her eyes started to fill up with tears.
“No, Megan. I don't think you are.” Her mother's voice was quiet but firm. To the point. She'd expect nothing else from her. Sheila wasn't known for her tact.
“Mom --”
“No, you need to listen to me. You have one daughter who is crying out for attention, and another who is carrying such a huge load that she's forgotten how to be a child. I know you are desperate to find Emma. We all are. But in your quest to find your missing daughter, you've forgotten the two that are there, by your side, and they’re waiting for you to look at them.”
Megan gulped back a reply. She was looking.
“Doesn't your Bible say something about how Jesus left the ninety-nine to go find the one lost sheep?”
“Megan, you're not Jesus. You're just a mother with a heavy heart.”
Megan sank back down on the couch. Tears flowed down her cheeks. She wiped them away with the palm of her hand, but it did little to dry her face.
“I don't know what to do, Mom. I feel lost. I don't want to give up on Emma, but I can feel the other girls slipping away from me.”
“Oh, Meg. You'll never give up on Emma. You know that. And you know what to do, don't fool yourself. You are a mother first and foremost. Deep inside you know what it will take to draw your girls back into the shelter of your arms. That's how God made us.” A surprising gentleness emanated from Sheila’s voice.
Sobs ripped through her body at her mother's words. She wished her mother were there now, so she could curl up in her arms like she used to do as a child.
With a tearful goodbye, Megan hung up the phone. Her body was depleted. The past few days had been nothing but emotional for her. When would this nightmare end? She only had a few hours before she went to pick up the girls. She wiped away the tears from her eyes, grabbed the last pieces of chocolate from the box Laurie dropped off and headed upstairs.
She used to believe there was nothing in the world chocolate and a hot bubble bath couldn't cure. Now she knew better.
*****
The long line of vehicles waiting at the curb amazed Megan as she sat in her Jeep. Yes, they were all there to pick up their children, but the majority of mother's in the lineup had driven from their house to the school and back again. What happened to the days of walking to school to pick up the kids?
When the girls all started kindergarten, a bunch of mothers from the neighborhood would all walk together and stand around the school grounds, coffee in their hands as they talked and got to know one another. Friendships were made during those first years, some that lasted well beyond the grade levels.
That's how Megan had met Laurie. After dropping Hannah off, Megan would sit at the little playground and let Alexis burn off some energy. She'd often sit on the bench with her coffee in hand, alone. Until the day Laurie walked by and her son begged to play too. Megan smiled at the memory. She'd be lost without Laurie now. Who knew back then how much this friendship would mean?
Megan inched her vehicle ahead as a couple cars left. She scanned the crowd for her daughters. They weren't expecting her. Unless the weather was horrible, they walked home with one of the program volunteers.
A group of girls headed towards her. Hannah and Alexis were part of the group. Alexis lagged behind with Laurie, while Hannah led the crowd as she walked backwards. Megan honked the horn and waved. Alexis saw her first. With a sprint, she ran towards the Jeep and swung into the front seat, all before Hannah had even made it half way.
“Hey Mom, what's up?” A wide grin spread across her face as Hannah approached the Jeep, a pout on her face. Laurie walked past, smiled
and waved. Megan waved back.
“No fair. You sat in the front last time too!” Hannah flopped in the backseat, her arms crossed as she glared at her sister.
“Guess you should have been paying attention.” Alexis pulled down the visor and patted her hair into place. When she spotted the glare from Hannah, she stuck her tongue out and slammed the visor back into place.
“Mom, did you see that?”
Megan tapped her fingers on the steering wheel and counted to five. Today is going to be a good day. Today will be a good day. Today is a good day. She repeated the phrase three times before she faced her daughters, making sure she had a smile firmly placed on her face.
“Alright, you two, settle down. I have a surprise for you, but if you keep it up, we can go home instead. Your choice.”
Hannah was the first to pop up, as Megan knew she would. “A surprise, really? Like what? Ice cream? Shopping?”
“Yeah, Mom, what are we doing?”
Megan pretended to hum and haw. “Oh I don't know. I figured we would just drive around and see where we ended up.”
“Does Dad know we're going out?” Alexis asked. She grabbed the phone from the holder on the dashboard.
“Yes he knows, so you can put my phone down, thank you.”
“So where are we going?” Hannah blew a bubble that popped. Megan peaked in the rear view mirror and laughed.
“I thought it was time for a girl day. Just us.”
Megan let her words sink in. She used to do this with the girls. Before, when life was normal. Before, when Emma was around. Before ... Megan shook her head. She made a promise to herself and to Peter that she would not reflect on anything but her daughters. Today. On the here and now.
“Dad was okay with this?” Alexis stared out the passenger window, but Megan felt her gaze.
She reached over and touched her daughter's hand. “Yes, Alex. Dad was okay with this. He is expecting us to bring him home something though.”
“Did he eat the ice cream we brought home last night?”
“He sure did. He came home at lunch today just for that.” Megan smiled at the memory.
Peter had called from the front door and told her he had a bag of fries and hamburgers from the Double Decker bus parked at the beach in his hands. She loved their French fries. He had wolfed down the ice cream in the freezer after he inhaled his lunch and agreed with her suggestion that she take the girls out after school. He’d even seemed kind of shocked.
The moment Megan pulled into the small shopping complex, Alexis groaned while Hannah whispered 'yes, yes' under her breath. Megan knew this would happen. She just hoped Alexis would enjoy herself today. Despite her pleas, Megan knew Alexis loved to shop.
After the Jeep was turned off, she twisted in her seat and faced her children.
“So, here's the plan. I made an appointment at the nail salon to get a manicure. For all of us. Then we'll stop for some chocolate and then I figured we could walk around and see what grabs our attention. Shoes, earrings or something. When we're done, we'll stop and pick up something for dinner. Chicken or burgers, your choice. How does that sound?”
“Fantastic!” Hannah cried out from the backseat. Her hand was on the door, ready for Megan to release the lock button. Hannah was a born shopper.
“Can I get a book?” Alexis asked. She too had her hand on the door. Megan turned her head so Alex wouldn't see the smile. She tried so hard to not like anything her sister enjoyed.
The moment she hit the unlock button, both girls jumped out. When Megan reached the back of her Jeep, the girls stood there tapping their feet against the hot pavement. Alexis pointed to her wrist – the one that didn’t have a watch on. Megan rolled her eyes, grabbed each girl by the arm and together they walked into the mall.
*****
Three hours later, Megan's feet ached to sit down on one of the benches in the middle aisle. Hannah talked Megan into getting pedicures as well, so not only were their finger nails all decked out with the latest nail-bling, but their toe nails sparkled against the bright flip flops Megan ended up buying. Hannah chose a bright blue to show off her baby pink nails, Alexis went with a bright orange shoe that contrasted with her bright green toe nails. Megan opted for white. She stuck her feet out in front of her, twisted them side to side. The ruby red did look nice. Now if she could just click her heels twice, she could be home with her aching feet up, and life would be perfect.
It wasn't just her feet that hurt. It was her heart. She tried to keep her gaze altered whenever she saw a young child. She'd made a promise. Another one. She couldn't break it this time.
“Mom, can we get ice cream now? My arms are hurting from carrying the bags on my wrists.” Hannah stood with a pout on her face as she held out her arms. She didn't want to ruin her new nails, so she refused to hold onto the bags.
Megan groaned. “Weren't the chocolate croissants enough?”
“Can we go home now?” Alexis flopped on the bench beside her and dropped the one bag.
“There's one more store I want to check out.” Hannah kicked at her sister's feet.
“I think I'm done. Sorry, girl. Next time, okay?”
“Fine.” Hannah sat on the bench with her shoulders slouched. “It was fun though, thanks Mom.”
“Yeah, thanks.” Alexis muttered.
“It was fun, wasn't it? I'm sorry we haven't had a girl's day in a long time.” Megan reached her hand over and touched Hannah's shoulder.
“More like two years,” said Alexis.
Ouch. Megan blinked her eyes. Two years. Her shoulders deflated at the thought. She remembered the words spoken last night. She would not lose her daughters. Not if she could help it.
“You're right, Alex. It's been way too long. That's my fault. I'm sorry.”
“Can we do it again?” A gentle smile flitted across Hannah's face. Forgiveness shone through her eyes. Megan's heart lifted.
“Can we do something else next time though?” Alexis peaked from under the bangs that covered her eyes. Forgiven. Again.
Free from a load she didn’t want to carry, Megan's back straightened. “Tell you what? Let's make it a date. Once a month. Just us.”
The mall crowd swelled around them. Megan's feet stopped throbbing. She glanced at her fingernails. It had been a long since she'd last had a French manicure. Actually, it had been a long time since she'd had nails.
“If Emma were here, she'd be old enough to come on our girls' date, wouldn't she?” Despite the crowd noise, Megan heard Hannah clear as day. Yes, Emma would be old enough.
Alexis jumped up. “Come on. Let's go. Can we grab some burgers and fries to take home?” She reached for Megan's hands and pulled her up. Megan then reached for Hannah hands, and did the same.
“Make mine a poutine, and we're set.” Megan agreed. After today, she deserved it, calories and all. Fries, smothered in cheese curds and gravy. Megan's stomach grumbled. Yep, today was a poutine type of day. There were only two places in town that made the dish. Both had thought Megan nuts when she first asked for the dish. It was Canadian, after all. Now they carried it on their menus.
Peter made a comment, just before she left, that niggled at the back of her mind.
“I should be home,” he'd said. Should. She didn’t like that word. Not after last night.
Megan looked at her watch. By the time they made it home, it would be close to eight o'clock. No reason why he shouldn't be home. Yet, what if ... Megan gave her head a tiny shake. No. He told her last night he'd been alone. She believed him, or tried to at least. He even came home at lunch today. He'd be home.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
“Finally! I thought you'd forgotten all about me.”
Peter grabbed the bag out of Megan's hands and opened it up. His hand dived in and came out with a fistful of French fries.
“Mom had to get her poutine.” Alexis meandered into the house, her hands full with a bottle of pop and a bag.
Megan followed Peter. Together
they unpacked the bags of food and laid everything out on the table.
“Sorry it’s fries again. I tried to opt for something a tad bit healthier, but the girls chose this,” she said as she popped a French fry into her mouth.
Peter grinned. She knew he didn’t care.
“I wasn't sure if you would be here,” Megan said. She didn't want the girls to overhear, so she kept her voice low.
Peter's eyebrow rose. “Why wouldn't I be?” He found her poutine and placed it on her plate.
Megan lowered her head. Her cheeks heated. “You told me you might not be. I figured you had plans.” She didn't look at him.
Peter's fingers touched her chin and with a gentle tug, she lifted her face. There was a gentleness to his gaze she didn't expect to see.
“The only plans I have are spending the night with my family.”
Megan searched his eyes. She believed him. Why this sudden case of doubt?
“Can we eat?” Alexis flopped down in her chair and unwrapped her burger. Hannah joined her and dug into her French fries.
Megan exchanged a look with Peter. A wave of happiness flooded her body. This was her family. She'd taken steps today to become a part of them again.
“So, how was shopping?” Peter addressed the girls, but Megan knew the question was directed towards her. She concentrated on the poutine, giving the girls time to tell him first.
His eyes met hers. “Did you survive?” A hint of a smile appeared.
“She bought just as much as we did, Dad.” Hannah answered for her.
“Did she now?”
Megan nodded her head. She survived.
Peter clapped his hands together. “Well, I don't want to be left out, so I have a surprise of my own.” Peter's face became animated. The dimples in his cheeks appeared beside the huge smile, his eyes danced at the announcement.
“We're getting a puppy?” Alexis asked.
Peter shook his head.
“We're going to Disneyland?” Hannah piped up.
Peter shook his head again. He fidgeted with excitement, like a little kid in a candy store. Alexis looked to Megan, but she only shook her head. This was a surprise to her as well. She pushed her fork into her poutine dish, and swirled it around.
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