The two of them sat quietly, on opposite sides of the kitchen table, in close physical proximity but miles and miles apart.
He tried again. ‘I don’t have any relationship with either of them, Anna. None at all. And I didn’t plan it – it just happened,’ he whispered. ‘It was long before I met you, a one-time thing, and I was told in no uncertain terms that I was not to make contact because, unlike you, Kitty knew that I would be a shit father and a fucking useless addition to any child’s life!’
Anna shook her head. ‘Don’t you fucking dare! Don’t you dare compare me with some woman you had a one-night stand with who doesn’t know you like I do! Don’t you dare suggest that it is for reasons she came up with that I have been denied motherhood! You are my husband!’ Her voice squeaked, sounding raw with sadness. ‘You’ve been cheating on me since the day we met.’
‘I have not!’
‘Yes, you have, Theo.’ She was cool now, her voice barely quivering. ‘Lying through omission and lying by keeping a secret, a big secret!’
‘I haven’t lied to you, Anna. Not intentionally. I might have held back, but—’
‘Held back? You have a child!’ She laughed, wiping her nose with the back of her hand. ‘Have you any idea what it’s like living with you?’ She looked up. ‘You have never given yourself to me, not fully. I have tried to be content with the little bits of you that you cast at me like pieces of a puzzle. And I scamper to catch whatever you throw because I love you.’ She broke off, crying again. ‘I love you so much, but every time you give me a new piece of you, you take away an old piece and I now know that I can never, ever complete the picture of you. Never. And as if that wasn’t punishment enough, I find out you have a little girl. A little girl you share with a woman who isn’t me, a little girl you phoned Spud to discuss while I was running around trying to make a party for you, collecting a fucking cake!’
‘Anna, I... I wish I had told you. I do! But every day, every month that passed made it seem harder and harder to come clean.’
‘Well, bravo, Theo.’ She clapped. ‘But I doubt you would have “come clean”, as you put it, if you hadn’t misdialled that number today.’
He looked away and both knew this to be the truth.
* * *
Creeping up the stairs, he trod with caution into their bedroom, a room in which he now felt like an intruder. He snatched items off hangers and rummaged in the drawers like a thief, only half conscious of what he was doing, wishing he was somewhere else, someone else. Eventually, with his suitcase in his hand, he walked slowly back downstairs to say goodbye.
Anna glanced up at him and his heart tore to see how wretched she looked. How had it come to this?
‘I don’t know what’s happening, Theo. I don’t know if we’re ending, and I don’t know what to do.’
‘I’m sorry, Anna. I love you.’
‘Please don’t keep telling me that you love me – it’s like wiping away the blood after you’ve cut me. It doesn’t help the hurt or excuse the act, not even a little bit.’
He hovered awkwardly by the fireplace and stuttered out his plan. ‘I’ve decided to go to Bristol. I need to see to some things there anyway, and I need to sort my head out. I’m sure you do too.’
‘I’m sad, Theo, but I’m not surprised.’ Her voice was a harsh croak. ‘I’ve been waiting for this conversation since we went to the Maldives. I think deep down I knew then that we were on a timer.’
‘You did?’
Anna nodded. ‘I think possibly since the day we married. I mean, I was never right for you as far as your parents were concerned – I don’t speak right, I don’t know the wrong and right way to do things and I never went to that bloody school they bang on about.’ She gave a false laugh. ‘And for someone who cares as much about what others think as you do, especially your shitty parents, whose approval you still crave...’ She let this hang.
‘Don’t say that.’ He choked back another wave of sobs. He hadn’t even had the chance to tell her about his earlier confrontation with his dad, or Marta, or bloody Xander Beaufort.
She followed him into the hall as he unhooked his coat from the newel post and ferreted in the pocket for his car keys. He bent towards her with arms slightly open, unsure whether or not to hold her, both of them instantly and painfully aware of how in such a short space of time the boundaries had shifted between them, to the point where he no longer felt able to take his wife in his arms and offer comfort.
‘Just go, Theo! Fuck off to Bristol or anywhere else!’ She jumped up and ran to the front door, holding it ajar, standing with her jaw clenched, waiting for him to pass.
‘Anna, I... I can’t be the man you need me to be.’
‘So you’ve said.’ She wiped away a stray tear. ‘And actually, tonight, for the first time ever, I am starting to believe you.’
Theo headed west in a daze, driving on autopilot, his head swimming with hurtful snippets – ‘you’ve been cheating on me since the day we met’ – his heart aching so much he didn’t know if he’d even make it to Bristol. He heard the long beep of an angry horn and was momentarily blinded by the flash of headlights on full beam. He swerved to retake the inside lane, unaware that he had drifted through lack of concentration. He swallowed, slowed his speed and took a swig of the coffee he’d picked up at the service station. He shook his head and put the radio on, desperate for something, anything, to distract him from the noise that filled his head.
17
Theo woke a fraction of a second before his alarm. He rubbed the grit from his eyes and lay back against the soft pillow, breathing deeply, knowing this was how best to shrug off the memory of the nightmare that lurked. He flexed his muscles against the cool sheet, a little damp with his sweat, and clicked on the lamp, careful not to wake Anna. He glanced across to where her sleeping form lay... but of course she wasn’t there. This was not their bedroom at home in Barnes, this was the hastily secured bedroom of a budget hotel beside the river in Bristol. The place where he’d spent the last couple of weeks. By day he paced the docks, taking in the majesty of his red-brick warehouse and wondering how his life could have gone so spectacularly wrong in such a short space of time. By night he covered his ears with the spare pillow to block out the shouts of revellers coming and going at all hours, students mainly, pouring out of the famous Thekla nightclub, a former cargo ship which was moored opposite.
Contact with Anna had been minimal, each conversation curt and to the point. She wasted no time on pleasantries, and the lack of kindness in their exchanges deepened his sadness still further. What did you expect, Theo?
But despite his torturous dreams, today was going to be a good day, and that was enough to encourage him into the bathroom at such an ungodly time of the morning.
A couple of hours later he was pacing the arrivals hall at Cardiff airport with eager anticipation, checking his phone repeatedly. It was while he was distracted by the noisy reunion of a mother and daughter to his right that a familiar voice called out, ‘Mate!’
Spud wrapped him in a big hug. They only ever embraced before or after significant time apart; to do so at routine hellos and goodbyes had never crossed their minds when they were younger, but now that they lived on different continents, it would probably become the norm. It was over six months now since they’d last seen each other.
‘Liking the sideburns.’ Theo pointed at Spud’s hair. ‘Even if I can spot a bit of a grey fleck. Very distinguished.’
‘Got to do something to keep down with the kids,’ Spud said, laughing.
Theo grabbed the folded suit carrier from his hand.
‘You can mock my smattering of grey, but I see you’re going a bit thin on top there.’ Spud stood on tiptoes, an unnecessary charade as he was taller than Theo, and peered at his friend’s crown.
Theo ran his palm self-consciously over his pate. ‘Probably! The month I’ve had, nothing would surprise me.’
Spud patted his back, brotherly and affectionate. ‘Glad you’ve not o
pted for the comb-over. Better to just get rid, as you have. Nice and short.’
‘Thank you for that advice, Mr Sassoon. And it’s not that bad! Any other comments on my appearance?’
‘Not that I can think of – you’re looking good, Theo, been working out?’ Spud patted his own flat stomach.
The two laughed and Theo was grateful for how easily they always picked up where they’d left off, no matter how long they’d been apart. ‘So, a whole five days in Blighty, eh?’
‘Yep. Been in London the last two days – where you clearly were not – and now it’s here for three days, for a conference and back-to-back meetings, but at least they’re in beautiful Wales, which makes it slightly more bearable. If nothing else, I can look out of the window and enjoy the view. Thanks for coming to get me, by the way.’
‘No worries. It’s a good chance for a catch-up, otherwise wasted if you were sitting in a cab. And it’s no distance from Bristol.’
Spud flashed him a thin-lipped smile when he mentioned Bristol. They had much to discuss, but that could wait.
‘And of course you can take time out of your day as you’re now your own boss! Must be great to do what the hell you like.’ Spud grinned and punched Theo lightly on the shoulder.
‘Oh yes, mate, I am living the dream.’ Theo grinned. ‘Only a couple of weeks in and I am indeed my own boss. Not a penny of income, rising costs, dwindling savings, loneliness, self-doubt, one single employee, and the only thing stopping me from jacking the whole thing in and going for a long swim off a short pier is the fact that I still, in some tiny crevice of my mind, believe that what I am doing might just be the right thing.’
‘Well, as a wise man once said, the decision you make is always the right one.’
‘It was you that said that!’ Theo tutted.
‘And I was right.’
‘So, a good flight from town?’ Theo asked as they made their way across the car park.
‘Is there such a thing? I hate it. Sitting high above the clouds in a tin can. Planes are nothing more than a necessary evil for me, a way to hop across the pond and get around.’
‘How are Kumi and the kids?’
‘All good. Really good, in fact. Miyu is talking as well as walking now and she bosses me around when Kumi is otherwise engaged – they’re like a tag team! And I swear to God they agree with each other on anything I am opposed to on point of principle, ganging up on me – my life is not my own and when her granny is around, I have to deal with the three of them!’ The big grin on his face belied his words. ‘I am secretly learning bits of Japanese so I can listen to what they say about me without them knowing. It’s been illuminating.’ He nodded.
‘What do they say?’
‘Essentially that I am not only stupid but I might actually be the most stupid man ever to grace the earth, like perennially stupid.’
‘I don’t think the stupid have Master’s degrees and I don’t think they use the word “perennially”.’
‘You might be right.’ Spud chuckled. ‘Tom is a sweet baby, the opposite of his sister in every way. If she is a tornado, Tom is a gentle breeze.’
Theo flipped the boot of his new black Mercedes SL. ‘So you prefer Tom?’
Spud stared at him as he unloaded his bags from the trolley to the boot. ‘You don’t prefer one of your kids over the other!’ He laughed.
‘You don’t?’ Theo was only half joking.
‘No! God, they’re just different!’ Spud shook his head and ran his eyes over the sparkling metallic paintwork of the car. ‘Flipping heck – this is a beast! And if this is the car you get with no income, then sign me up!’ He rubbed his hands together at the prospect of a ride.
‘A legacy from Montgomery Holdings, mine for the next eighteen months, and then the way things are going, it’ll probably be Shanks’s pony. Want to drive?’ Theo held up the keys.
‘Mate, I am jetlagged, out of practice at driving on the left and more used to an automatic minivan – think I’d better pass. But I won’t pretend I’m not insanely jealous and insanely excited at the thought of doing so!’
Theo slid onto the cool leather and watched his friend do the same in the passenger seat.
‘Oh, she’s a beauty! What’s the most you’ve got out of her?’ Spud clapped. ‘Kumi would never let me have a car like this, even if we could afford it.’
‘Well, Anna doesn’t drive it.’ He had mentioned Anna, done the thing they had seemingly been keen to avoid until the time was right.
‘How’s she doing?’ Spud asked soberly, as if only now remembering that there were more important questions to ask than what top speed Theo had managed in his awesome car.
Theo concentrated on fastening his seatbelt and starting the engine, which purred. ‘I don’t know, is the truthful answer...’ He raised his hands and let them fall. ‘Our conversations are very formal and I don’t know what she’s thinking. Christ, I don’t know what I’m thinking!’
‘It must feel like you’re in limbo.’ Spud gave him the words.
‘It does.’ He gave a glum nod and looked straight ahead, unwilling and unable to discuss this further right now.
Spud lowered his voice, his words sincere. ‘It will get easier. Everything will become clearer. You know that, don’t you? It just needs time.’
Theo gulped down the embarrassing lump that sat in his throat. He looked across at his friend, who now ran his palm over the hand-stitched leather of the console. The temptation to open up to him properly before they’d even left the car park was strong. ‘So where first?’ He coughed. ‘Celtic Manor – that’s where you’re staying, right?’
‘Yes, and as long as they have good coffee, take me there. Right now I can think of nothing better.’
Theo shook his head in mock disgust. ‘And to think we used to drink beer with our cornflakes every morning!’
‘We used to do a lot of things.’ Spud laughed. ‘And at least one of us had a lot more hair!’
Theo pressed the stereo into action and the familiar strains of Guns N’ Roses’ ‘Sweet Child O’ Mine’ filled the car.
‘Oh, mate! Yes!’ Spud began his impromptu air-guitar routine, while Theo banged the steering wheel as though it were a drum. They might have been two grown men with responsibilities, travelling in a high-end executive car from the airport, but for the five minutes of the song, they were nineteen again, scruffy and living in their grotty flat in Belsize Park, where the plumbing was leaky and they mostly slept or hung out in their underpants.
*
It was late by the time Theo arrived back at his Bristol hotel. He settled back on the bed and opened his laptop, dialling up for an internet connection. His email pinged repeatedly. He glanced up at the ceiling, imagining he was in the kitchen in Barnes, and smiled fondly at how Anna used to get irritated if any noise filtered up the stairs. He thought about Griff the puppy and felt a wave of longing for that house and those in it. He looked at the phone and considered calling, but another stilted exchange with Anna was the last thing either of them needed.
He liked working there in the quiet at that late hour. Catching up on emails from planners, architects, the team at the council and Jody, the young woman he employed remotely as his right hand. It was a world away from his plush office in Villiers House. He shook the image of his father and Marta from his head. Jody had emailed him the CVs of candidates who’d made the first and second cut for the role of project manager, to oversee the renovation – someone with more building experience than him. Theo smiled. If only he’d studied engineering!
He yawned, scratched his stubbly chin and gave the CVs only scant consideration, wondering if he really wanted the egg and cress sandwich that had been warming in his briefcase since he’d picked it up on the way back from dropping off Spud. As he debated how hungry he was and prepared to call it a night, his attention was drawn to one CV in particular.
‘It can’t be.’
He swallowed, sat forward and squinted at the screen. His p
ulse quickened as he clicked on the attached document. There it was: confirmation that Mr Magnus Wilson, of Bath, former pupil of Vaizey College and with a whole list of qualifications and achievements to his name, was asking Theo for a job. Not that Wilson would have known; there was nothing at a glance to link Theo to the company. Theo’s reaction to seeing Magnus Wilson’s name was surprising. Even now, more than a decade later, he felt a stab of discomfort at the memory of the boy who had made his school life hell. His leg jumped as if he was back in Theobald’s House.
Sitting back on the bed, he thought long and hard about what to do. Would it be a good thing to see Wilson again or was it better to let sleeping dogs lie? He pictured the way Wilson had stood triumphantly after beating him up, his eyes showing no remorse.
Theo was unnerved. Instead of going to sleep, he reached for his briefcase and grabbed the slightly squashed sandwich. He was hungrier than he thought. He tried to stem thoughts of Wilson, already looking forward to meeting up with Spud again the next day.
*
The two men sat at a table in the sticky-floored pub in Wood Street, Cardiff.
‘So are you going to interview him?’ Spud asked through his mouthful of scampi.
‘I honestly don’t know,’ Theo said. ‘What would you do?’
‘I’d be tempted to, just to get a look at him, and the vile, vengeful part of me would want to take him so far in the process and then let him down in a withering way.’ He pretended to twirl an invisible moustache in a villainous manner.
‘You don’t have a vile and vengeful part, that much I do know.’ Theo held his mate’s gaze.
‘True, I’m an old softie, but I like to think that if there was a call for it, I could do mean and macho.’ Spud laughed and sipped his pint. ‘Ah! I tell you what... crap food and a warm pint, I have missed home!’
‘I’ll bet. So do they have scayumpee in Washington?’ Theo chuckled.
‘Yes, but they call it “shrimp” – go figure! Not that I’m allowed to eat it. Kumi watches what I eat.’ He pulled a face.
‘So you are going for a pud?’
Theo Page 22
