“Hey, of course she’s your sister. You know that right?” Clay tilted her chin up so she could look at him. Her eyes were shiny and wet with tears. “Look at me. She’s your sister. You got that, right?”
Jenna looked into the hazel eyes she was becoming more and more accustomed to seeing, and she nodded. Why couldn’t Darren, her love, be like this? Why wasn’t Darren this understanding to what was so important to her? Clay knew what she was going through, knew exactly what to say, knew how to make her feel better.
“How’s Courtney doing?” he asked.
“Not too good. I think she’s going into a major depression. Even Mitch says she’s a wreck most of the time when they’re together.”
“What are you guys going to do, is there anyone you can get in touch with – can you get records or anything?”
“Courtney went through all of my mother’s stuff. She can’t find an original birth certificate. We’re going to call our dad, and he’s been pretty much in and out of our life, mostly out, since the divorce when I was sixteen.”
“Where does he live?” Clay asked.
“Chicago.”
“He’ll tell you?”
“He’s got to tell us,” Jenna got angry then, because her father was out there, and he knew, and he had been keeping this from them for so long. “We need to know. He can’t just run out on us and then keep something like this from us. It’s not fair. We deserve to know what happened, and why… I mean, it doesn’t make any sense. And why they never just said, ‘Hey girls, Courtney is adopted and it’s all cool, we love you both.’ It’s all a bunch of fat bullshit.”
Clay laughed at this, and Jenna smiled. Then laughed.
“Fat bullshit?” he asked.
“Fat bullshit,” Jenna said again.
“You want a beer?” Clay asked.
“God, yes. I need one.”
“Okay, let’s have a couple of beers.” he said.
“Clay?” Jenna said, touching his hand.
“Yeah?”
“Thanks for being such an awesome friend. You’re really amazing.”
“So are you. I only wish there was more I could do for you.” He leaned over and hugged her and she smelled his warm cologne, and a mix of the oaky wines he had been pouring during the afternoon.
“Did you spill wine on yourself today?” she asked.
“Maybe? Do I smell good?” he pulled her away, held her shoulders and smiled at her.
“Maybe,” she smiled back.
Chapter 63
“Dad? It’s Courtney.”
“Court, is something the matter? Is Jenna okay? Are you girls okay?”
It was strange how that was his first question, after all of this time, after him leaving and seemingly not caring, that he would care immediately, that he would worry that she was calling because something might be wrong, that they were hurt. Courtney didn’t know what to think. Then she realized that she and Jenna hadn’t even let him know the results of the autopsy. Really, what had the point been? He had been so out of touch and out of their lives for so long. The occasional visit, maybe once a year, and yes, he paid for their college educations, and sent birthday cards with substantial checks, but he had his own life, his new flashy wife and his condo downtown Chicago overlooking the lakefront. What reason did he have to care if she or Jenna were okay?
Then she had a reality check: We’re still his children. He’s still our father. No matter what kind of crappy relationship they might have had, he was still their father, and they were still his daughters, despite whom Courtney might have been birthed from, and she had to remember that he probably did care for them, and he probably did think of them, and he probably had wished things would have turned out differently. But things hadn’t turned out differently, and that was life, and that was the hand that was dealt. So they had to deal.
“No Dad. We’re fine. I guess… I mean, well, I found out… I mean, I know.”
She was quiet for a few seconds, and then she repeated it.
“I know.”
That’s all she said. There was painful silence on the other end of the line, and she knew it was a silence where her father was contemplating how to react. Was he going to play dumb, say, “what do you mean, you know?” Or was he going to tell her everything right then and there in the very next few seconds. She wasn’t sure if she was ready for it. She had been pacing in her room, and while she waited out the silence on the other end of the phone, Courtney pulled out her desk chair, grabbed her pillow to her chest, and sat.
“Honey,” he said.
“Yes?”
“Are you okay?” he asked.
“I’m not sure. I don’t really know what’s going on. I think I was adopted. Am I adopted Dad?”
He said it again, “Honey.” And then Courtney realized he was talking to his wife who must have been in the room with him. She heard him say it again, “Honey, give me a minute. I need to talk with Courtney.” Then he was back on the phone, and he addressed Courtney this time. “Honey,” he said.
“Don’t call me ‘honey’ when you just called her that,” she snarled into the phone.
“I’m sorry.”
She got angry then. Really angry. “What exactly are you sorry for, Dad? That you lied to me my whole entire life? That I’ve discovered I’ve been living a lie of a life? That I have no idea who I am or who my real parents are, or anything about my whole entire life? What are you sorry about?”
“I’m sorry for everything,” he said.
“I don’t get it,” Courtney said.
“Is Jenna with you?”
“No.”
“Does she know you called me?”
“No. We were going to call you together, after exams next week, but I didn’t want to wait. I’ve waited nineteen years. I decided not to wait any longer. I deserve to know, Dad.”
“I know you do. It wasn’t me who wanted to keep it from you. It was your mother.”
“You can’t blame this on her just because she’s dead.”
“I’m not. It’s complicated Courtney.”
“It doesn’t have to be. Just tell me what happened.”
“How did you find out?” he asked.
Courtney sighed, a big heavy drawn-out deep breath escaped from her. She was tired, so tired of having to explain everything to everyone when now she just wanted the answers she deserved.
“We got the autopsy report for Mom. She died of hemochromatosis. It’s a hereditary disease she had no idea she had. Long, long story short – Jenna has the disease and I don’t. Meaning, I’m not related to Mom.”
“Oh baby,” her dad said, and then, “Is Jenna okay, what does this disease mean for her?”
“She’ll be okay, she’s doing treatments and she should be fine. It has to do with regulating the amount of iron build-up in the body. But she's going to be okay.”
“Thank God.”
“Dad,” Courtney almost whispered into the phone, “Who are my birth parents?”
“I wanted to tell you from the time you were able to understand. I did.” Courtney couldn’t be sure, but it sounded like her father was getting choked up.
“Dad?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you okay?”
“We can’t do this over the phone Courtney.”
“I just need to know.”
“Courtney, you were such a sick baby. Did you know that?”
“I didn’t know I was really sick? How sick?” she asked.
He didn’t answer but instead said, “And you know that I have always loved you. Always. Your mother too.”
“I know. I do.”
“We did this for the family. For you. You were so tiny, and helpless. You needed us.”
“I know Daddy.” She hadn’t called him Daddy in forever, not since she had been little, and would run to him when she’d scrape her knee or fall and her mom just wouldn’t do, when it was a big enough hurt that only her father could help the healing. Like now. She neede
d her dad to help with this healing, to give her the answers she so desperately needed to get to the healing.
“Can you two girls come here? I’ll tell you everything. But not over the phone. You need to hear it from me. But in person. It’s important that you do.”
“I’ll talk to Jenna.”
“Okay, and Courtney, you know that you’re my daughter. No matter what I have to tell you. You’re mine. And I’m so sorry I haven’t been more of a father to you. I love you and your sister. I do. I’m so sorry.”
“Okay. Bye.”
She hung up the phone, maybe not as confused as she was before, but still confused nonetheless. She was still not able to say the words I love you back to her father. She wasn’t sure she’d be able to understand what had transpired in the events that led up to her mysterious adoption, but she knew she was that much closer to finding out, and that gave her a tiny bit of solace.
Chapter 64
It was exam week and the dorm floor was, for once, quiet. Special study hours and quiet time was in effect, and if violated, students were to be written up. While Courtney hated to be the bad guy, and she had quickly gotten the reputation of being one of the coolest RAs in their building, she was taking no prisoners during exam week and she let the students know.
Fortunately, they were complying. Which was a blessing, because the semester had come and gone, and she was pretty much screwed in half of her classes. She should not have gone back to school this semester, she realized now – first, the death of her mother last year, then thinking she’d had a disease only to learn it had been a horrible mistake, but knowing her sister still had it. And now, the mystery of her birth parents. The only bright spot in her life was Mitch. Thank God for good, perfect Mitch. He had been so wonderful to her through everything. She couldn’t have asked for a better boyfriend if she’d ordered one online.
They were in her room studying, laying on her bed, each on opposite sides propped up on pillows, feet intermingling playfully. He had an economics exam and she had sociology coming up later in the week.
Earlier in the week Courtney told Jenna about speaking to their father, and while she was upset to not be there during the call, she understood that this was mostly about Courtney. Their father had already sent first-class airplane tickets and she and Jenna were going to Chicago as soon as exams wrapped up.
Courtney was surprised she was even sleeping at night, but it was only because Mitch had given her some of the sleeping pills he took from his mother over Thanksgiving. That, and he was there every night, keeping her safe and comfortable. They’d not slept apart since she was alone at her mom’s house over Thanksgiving, and she didn’t want to be alone again.
Mitch looked up from his econ book, reached for her foot and began to massage it. “Need a break?”
“Yeah, I can’t concentrate.”
“Here, let me help you.” He closed his book, tossed it to the floor, and motioned for her to move toward him.
“I’m not going to pass this soc class and I’m going to have to take it again. I’m so screwed.”
“You’ll pass it. But you need a break. You’re beyond stressed.”
Courtney sighed. “I wish I knew who they were.”
“I know. Come here.”
She moved her books aside and crawled toward his outstretched arms. She fit perfectly. Even now, when most relationships would have settled into a comfortable existence, theirs still felt brand new. Courtney couldn’t believe that he was still so enthralled with her, that he wanted to be there with her this much. Especially with all the baggage she brought with her. Really, any other guy would have bolted at the first mention of a dead mother, and then with everything else, well, there was no denying Mitch was the perfect guy.
She began to cry then, soft and quiet, and he let her cry, and that was what she needed, to let the sobs out, for she hadn’t really let it all sink in, that she was so lost, unsure of it all. She felt so lost.
“I don’t know anything anymore. I keep thinking of everything I ever did in my life. All of it. Like arguments with Jenna, or with Mom and Dad, and then I’ll replay them in my head, and try to search for a clue, anything that might have said, you’re not really one of us, you know? It seems like all of it was a whole lie. Like I lived for a lie.”
“But, babe,” Mitch squeezed her shoulders reassuringly, “You haven’t lived a lie. You’ve had a relatively really good life, right?”
She sniffled. “Yes.”
“You grew up feeling loved, yes? They sheltered you and loved you, despite the divorce?”
“Yes.”
“So, whatever their reasoning, it’s got to be for a purpose. Do you really think they would have kept anything from you in order to hurt you? They loved you, and they must have loved you from day one. You’ve got to remember that, and not dwell on the past. Okay?”
“Okay?”
“Say it like you mean it.”
Courtney managed a weak smile, “Okay.”
“You know I adore you,” Mitch smiled.
“Why are you so wonderful to me?” she whispered into his chest.
“Because you are a wonderful person, and because I love you.” He caressed her shoulder, kissed her hair, and they sat in the comfort of their silence, as if they’d always belonged together.
“It’s like I’ve always loved you, but I didn’t know where you were,” Mitch said. “And now I have you.”
Chapter 65
Jenna lay back in the chair with her eyes closed. It had been weird going to the hospital on her own without Courtney the first couple of times, but she was finally used to it. Sadie had ‘plugged’ her in and her bag was almost full. She brought her iPod with so she could listen to music since she didn’t have Court to chat with during the sessions anymore and she was losing herself in the comforting sounds of Adele when Sadie started to unravel the tubes and tapes.
“We’re done already?” Jenna asked.
“You sound disappointed,” Sadie laughed.
“I guess I was kind of getting into my music,” Jenna admitted.
“It happens. You know, your iron counts look great, and when Tish did your vitals she said things are looking good.”
“I’m so glad. It’s so bittersweet, though, you know? Had my mom had this early information, she’d be here today. It just sucks really bad. I miss her so much.”
Sadie touched Jenna’s arm and gave her a warm smile. “I know hon, I know.”
Jenna sat for a few minutes as was required after she was unhooked, then when she was ready to leave, she hugged Sadie goodbye and said she’d see her in a few days. She was beginning to look forward to her visits with Sadie and Tish, which was kind of weird. Strangely, they were becoming like mother figures to her, caring for her, offering kind words, showing sympathy during a time of need. It was something Jenna hadn’t had in a long while, and she needed that.
She headed to the parking lot and thought about calling Courtney but then remembered she’d be deep into exams. She had spoken to Darren briefly the week before, when she initiated the call, and he’d been distant, not at all what she’d hoped, but then he said he’d had the flu and hadn’t been to training the previous two days, so she let it slide and told him she hoped he felt better soon and that she loved him. He’d said it back, but it hadn’t felt real. It hadn’t even felt good. It felt hollow. And sad. Afterward, she’d cried. She didn’t know if the relationship was worth fighting for any longer.
It was a crisp December morning and she had the day off. The sun shown so brightly and rays bounced from the snow that had fallen the day before. The air was so clean and clear it took her breath away. It was the kind of day that held promise, the kind of day that made her feel like she wanted something great to happen. She thought for a fleeting moment about calling Darren to see if he was feeling better, to see if he was in a better mood, to see if after they were done talking, if maybe he would say I love you, I miss you, and to see if she would feel good when he'd sa
y it.
But that was the thing. She was afraid that maybe it wouldn’t make her feel so wonderful inside, and right now, the day ahead looked promising, and she wanted to hold onto that feeling.
So she dialed Clay. He answered on the first ring.
“Did you know I was just thinking of you?” he said into the phone.
Jenna couldn’t stop her heart from flip-flopping at his words.
“You were?”
“I was.”
“What were you thinking about?” she smiled into the phone.
“Just you.”
“Oh.”
“What are you up to?” he asked.
“I just got done with the vampires,” she said. Suddenly, Jenna felt shy, not sure why she called Clay, not sure what she wanted to say to him.
“Cool,” Clay said. “Hey, you want to grab lunch?”
**
They met at a place Clay knew of that was off campus. “Off the beaten-path” he told Jenna, and it was. It took her nearly twenty minutes to find it, but he promised her it would be well worth it once she got there. From the looks of the outside, she wasn’t sure what to expect on the inside. Outside, it looked like just a little house really, off a dirt road, with a vintage maroon and yellow sign that simply read Carina’s Café.
It was toasty warm inside – a fire crackled in an old-fashioned wood-burning fireplace, and Jenna immediately liked the atmosphere. It smelled of juniper and pine, and freshly baked bread coming from an oven in the back. She could also detect the aroma of cinnamon and nutmeg. Jenna was sure someone was in the kitchen making some stellar holiday cakes and pies. She already knew she wanted to bring some baked goods back for Courtney and Mitch. And probably some for Sadie and Tish.
One small corner housed a mini gift shop, with handcrafted signs, homemade candles and chocolates. A hostess stand with handwritten paper menus took over the other corner. Only about fifteen tables filled the restaurant, yet almost all of them were occupied and there was a happy bustling apron-wearing woman – obviously Carina – taking orders and chatting with customers.
The door behind Jenna opened and a rush of cold air flew in. She turned around and Clay grinned at her.
What She Left Us Page 18
