She cut the words off so that she didn’t have to hear them. “What we shared? Am I supposed to believe it means something to you that I let you fuck me?” Jess flinched at her words and Alison found a kind of savage pleasure in the reaction. “Because if I believed that, you would have proven me wrong over the last two days!”
“Alison, please…”
“You talked your way into my pants, and then you disappear. Fine. It’s not like this is the first one-night stand I’ve ever had. Just don’t try to act like it meant something now that I show up at your door. You played me. Congratulations. That’s it. That’s all.”
“You’re upset…I get it. Why…why don’t we leave this before we both say things that we regret? It’s been a long couple of…Why don’t we talk later?”
“I don’t want to talk to you later. I don’t want to talk to you at all. I don’t want to see you. I am done with you. I’m done with being dismissed by you and belittled by you and used by you. I’m done with being your amusement for the evening when your video games just aren’t doin’ it for you. Or your tattoo artist is busy. Or you’re finished bleaching your hair. Or whatever childish, ridiculous thing you’re into next. You’re an arrogant, emotionless, self-righteous hipster and I am done with you.”
For the first time, something akin to what Alison was feeling flashed into Jess’s eyes. She took a step forward and balled both hands into fists at her side.
“And you’re judgmental, selfish and cruel. From the moment we met, you have refused to think about anything but yourself. Your own problems. Your own baggage. Your best friend just lost her baby and she damn near bled out on my table twice! Her dreams of having another child are as close to finished as they ever have been. She held him. Did you know that? She held the body of her son. Do you have any idea what it’s like to hold…But the only thing that touches you is how it affects you. Not Beth, not Stephen, not…anyone else. If you knew what I…”
Jess stopped and the blood drained from her face. She seemed to be looking through Alison for the briefest moment, as if she wasn’t in that hallway anymore. It passed in the blink of an eye, and her eyes cleared.
“I think you should go.”
Alison was already standing in front of the elevator when she heard the door slam behind her.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Beth was too weak and in too much pain to sob, but tears ran down her face in a constant stream. When Alison had come to see her the night before, she had still been working her way through the anesthesia. She hadn’t woken up at all during the visit. Alison just sat with her while Stephen told her the details.
They’d been preparing for another transfusion on Monday morning when the ultrasound showed limited fetal movement. They pushed back the procedure, monitoring him closely. His heartbeat weakened as they listened, and Jess decided they needed to take the baby. He was twenty-eight weeks, and with a bit of luck and the best medical care available he could make it.
Then everything went wrong. There were complications as soon as they started the C-section. Beth hemorrhaged just as they were about to get him out. The surgery, which should have taken an hour, stretched to nearly five. She lost so much blood that they could barely get it inside her faster than it was coming out. There was a long, agonizing time when Stephen was sure he was going to lose them both. Telling the story, he went white as a sheet and had to sit with his head between his knees before he could finish. In the end, they were able to stop the bleeding and sew her up, but her fight was just starting.
Her vital signs started to show warnings within hours of the C-section and she was back in the operating room without ever waking from her first sedation. A hematoma formed in her uterus. It was an extremely dangerous development. Somewhere inside she was still bleeding. If they didn’t operate again she could die within hours. The second time around they only just managed to avoid a hysterectomy.
The baby wasn’t doing much better. His heart had been straining when he was still inside, fighting an all-out war with Beth’s immune system. Even a hostile womb was better than none at all, however, and now that he was out, he was losing the battle. Beth finally woke up Tuesday afternoon to find out that he hadn’t made it. Jess came to tell them herself. Their son had lived for twenty-six hours, clinging to life inside the plastic box of an incubator. He never opened his eyes. He never felt his parents’ touch. He was brave, but he wasn’t strong. By the time his parents got to hold him, he was already gone.
Beth couldn’t afford much strength to mourn. She could barely keep up with the events of the last two days, and she couldn’t keep her eyes open. Stephen was a mess. He’d awakened Monday morning with a bright future ahead. Less than two days later he lay crumpled in Alison’s arms. His son gone and his wife still fighting for her life. Then he said the thing that set Alison off completely. He stepped away from her and wiped his nose with the back of his hand.
“You should go see Jess. She took everything pretty hard. She needs you right now.”
His words hit her like a punch in the gut. She’d gone to see Jess, of course, but neither of them had been remotely comforted by the encounter. Almost a full day later, she still felt a bitter pride in the words she said. The tears streaming down her friend’s face only barely took the edge off her lingering anger.
She looked at Beth and struggled to find the right words. “Is Stephen at home with Rachel?”
Beth nodded.
“Is she okay?”
“She doesn’t know.” Beth took a shuddering breath. “After the last time…We didn’t want to tell her again that she was getting a baby brother or sister and then have to explain if something went wrong. She’s only two. It was so hard for her to understand.”
Alison gave her a weak smile. “Maybe next time.”
Beth shook her head and her tears were a river of regret. “There won’t be a next time.”
“Sure there will.” Alison scooted forward in her chair and cupped Beth’s hand in both of hers. “I know you’re upset and hurting now, but you’ll heal. Don’t let them convince you…”
“No one is trying to convince me, Ali. No one’s saying anything. Not yet anyway.” Beth looked out the window. “Jess said she wanted to make sure we could try again when the time came. That’s why she wouldn’t do the hysterectomy.”
Alison squirmed at the sound of her name, but Beth didn’t see the way her lip curled.
Beth was still looking out the window when she said, “I just can’t do it again. I can’t do that to him.”
She spoke as quietly as she could. “Your baby didn’t feel any pain, Bethie.”
They cried together for a long time. So long that Beth’s eyes puffed alarmingly. When she was finally under control she whispered, “I meant Stephen. I can’t put him through that again. I can’t hurt him again. Give him a son and then take him away.”
“Stephen doesn’t think that way.”
“We talked about it. He said it’s my call and I’m calling it. We have a beautiful, perfect daughter. She’ll be enough for us.”
The tears came a little faster, and Alison held her friend’s hand, feeling more powerless than ever before in her life. After a long moment, Beth gave herself a little shake and set her jaw. She looked at Alison with a decent facsimile of a smile. “I still haven’t heard about your date. Jess could barely look me in the eye Monday morning so it must have been good.”
“I don’t…want to talk about it.”
Beth’s brows knitted together. “Ali?”
Alison stared at their hands clasped together.
“Oh God, Ali, what did you do?”
The anger bubbled up in her again. Beth, of all people should understand. “What did I do? Oh nothing, just sat around like an idiot for two days not knowing that my best friend…” She caught herself and took a slow breath. “And she couldn’t even let me know what was going on? Couldn’t warn me that something was wrong?”
“I wasn’t exactly in a position to w
itness it, but I don’t think she had a lot of free time to call.”
“She had time to text me and cancel our date.”
Beth squeezed her hand sharply. “She didn’t have a lot of free time to call because she only left my baby’s bedside to save me. She was with him every second until he…” She swallowed hard, her lip quivering. “And she brought him down to us herself. In her own arms, Ali. That’s not what doctors do. They smile sadly at you and stare over your shoulder while they give you the bad news. Then they move on to the next case. Not her. She…”
Alison felt the tears prickling her own eyes even as Beth’s cheeks started to dry. “I don’t doubt that she cares…”
Beth cut her off. “Doctors also don’t get to tell their girlfriends when something goes wrong with their patients. There’s a law, Ali, and I’ve sued doctors before because of it.”
“Don’t go on about that. She lectured to me all about it last night.”
“Then you know that she couldn’t…”
“She should have warned me!”
“She couldn’t.”
“She should have anyway.”
Beth smiled, but there wasn’t happiness behind it. “And if she had, what would you have done?”
“I would have been here for you. I should have been here for you.”
“Ali.” The way Beth said her name made her heart sink. It wasn’t the teasing tone that meant she was going to poke fun at her. It wasn’t the conspiratorial tone that meant she was going to share a secret. It wasn’t even the miserable tone she had been using all day that meant she just needed her best friend there with her. It was colder. She felt like Beth was farther away from her than she had been when an ocean separated them. “Ali, I gave permission to share my medical information with certain people. She has to live with my decision no matter how awkward it makes her personal life.”
She had to ask the question, even though she didn’t want to hear the answer. “Did you tell her not to call me?”
“No, I didn’t tell her. I didn’t have to. I needed time, Ali. I needed time to grieve with my husband.” She made a point of looking straight at Alison when she finished. “Alone.”
Alison flushed, and Beth saw it. “It doesn’t mean I don’t need you. Nothing is real until I tell you, Ali. I just needed…”
“I get it.” And she did. She tried to show it in her smile, but the pain showed too.
“Why don’t you tell me what you did?”
So Alison told her. She didn’t hold anything back. The fight had been so raw, so harsh that she wasn’t surprised to discover she remembered every word. When she got to the end of her story, when she had to repeat the things that Jess had said about her, she tried to pretend that the words hadn’t touched her. The sick feeling of bile in her gut was obvious, though, and Beth didn’t miss it.
“Wow. That was pretty harsh.”
“It was.”
“Are you going to apologize?”
“What?”
“You heard me. Are you going to apologize?”
“I can’t believe you are asking me that. Why would I apologize?”
“Because it’s the best way to get her to apologize.”
“I don’t want her to apologize. I don’t want anything from her.”
“Girl, I have known you too long to believe that. Look me in the eye and tell me you didn’t sleep with her.”
“Okay, I did, but I don’t want to again!”
“Liar. I bet it was the best sex of your life.”
Alison let go of Beth’s hand, crossing her arms as she sat back in her chair. “After everything from the last two days, I am so not thinking about her that way right now.”
Beth shook her head and grabbed one of her dreadlocks, spinning it between her fingers. Beth was waiting for her to say more, but she didn’t want to examine what her heart was feeling about anything right now. Everything was too new. A fresh bruise that hurt just to think about, much less touch. She floundered again, searching for anything to fill the void.
“The worst part is she lives in the Miller & Rhodes building. Did you know that? I used to love that place. Bruce the Spruce was there. Now when I think of it, it’ll be her I think about.”
Beth rolled her eyes. “You and that tree. You were always obsessed with that silly singing tree. Anyway, Bruce the Spruce was at Thalheimer’s.”
“No he wasn’t. He was at Miller & Rhodes.”
She switched to a new lock, wincing as she stretched too far. “Thalheimer’s had Bruce. Miller & Rhodes had the Christmas Tea. Don’t you remember? When we were nine years old our moms took us. We got all dolled up with our dresses and our white gloves and the doorman at Miller & Rhodes held the door open for us and told you that you had pretty hair.”
Alison thought hard and a flash of the older man in the smart uniform and cap came to her. “I’d just gotten a spiral perm.” Beth nodded with a smug expression. She said almost to herself, “I was sure I was right.”
“Ali, you have been my best friend since before time and I love you. But sometimes you can be very stubborn. And a little selfish.”
“How can you say that?”
“You break her heart after everything she did for me and how much she’s into you, but all you can think about is your ruined childhood memory?”
“It’s not about…”
“Did you know Stephen and I got into a huge fight right before we got married? He almost called it off.”
“What? Why?”
“Because of you.” She plowed on through the pain on Alison’s face. “Because he thought you were in love with me.”
“He thought…”
“He was right.”
The silence in the room was deafeningly loud. Beth continued, “He is right. And I love you too. Not that way, sure, but we do love each other, and definitely more than friends do. Even more than best friends.”
Alison had never really thought about it, but it occurred to her now that she should have. “Maybe so.”
Beth’s smile made her eyes water. “No maybes. I love you more than almost anyone else in my life. More than anyone but him in fact.” She was about to go on, but stopped and changed tack. “If you ever tell my mother or my daughter I said that I will never speak to you again.”
Alison allowed herself a little laugh, but knew with a clarity she had never felt that Beth was being perfectly serious. The occasion seemed to call for something. “Beth. I…”
“Shut up for a second, Alison.” She crossed her hands in her lap and looked at her fingers. “That wasn’t an easy conversation to have. He told me some things about myself that I didn’t want to hear. Same on my side. We weren’t kind. I wasn’t kind. I thought he’d never have me again after that. He left and I sat there in the dark all night thinking that was the last time I would ever see him. He couldn’t possibly love me after what we’d said. But he did. And I did. And the point of this rambling monologue is that moment. That conversation. That painful, awful, heartbreaking conversation is the reason that I love him more than you.”
Beth’s smile was far away again. The one she was always giving him that made Alison’s heart ache.
“Maybe you just had that with Jess. I hope so. I hope you did because, Ali, she loves you. She probably hasn’t told you, but she does. I’ve only seen the two of you together once and I know it. You can see it coming off her like a heat haze. She’s thinking about you when you aren’t there, and I know you’re thinking about her when she’s not there.”
Alison couldn’t look away. Even when her lungs burned because she was holding her breath and her eyes stung with tears, she just stared.
“Don’t lose her, Ali. For me. Don’t you dare lose her. I want you to know what it’s like to love someone more than you love me. I want that so much I cannot begin to tell you.”
She looked straight into her friend’s eyes and all that love she had talked about was right there on the surface like it never had been before.
Alison stood up without a word and ran for the door.
Chapter Thirty
Alison found herself standing in front of the nurses station with no idea what to say. Fortunately, the nurses weren’t paying attention to her. There were three of them huddled together in a group off in one corner, talking to each other and oblivious to the world around them. Alison waited for them to acknowledge her, but none of them did. Impatience bubbled in her stomach, but there was a healthy dose of indecision there too. It seemed inappropriate to try fixing her relationship with Jess here and now, but she knew she couldn’t leave it for another time. Already it seemed the moment was slipping through her fingers.
Still the nurses ignored her in favor of their conversation. She was about to speak up and demand their attention when the sound of Jess’s name filtered through the talk.
A tall, middle-aged woman with a rather unfortunate Roman nose and mounds of bushy blond hair pulled into a tight ponytail said, “Dr. Baker’s taking this one very hard. She looks like she hasn’t slept in days.”
A young nurse sat back casually in her desk chair responded, “I know! It doesn’t make any sense. She left before me the last couple of days.”
“No she didn’t,” the first nurse said. “She went up to Neonatal Intensive Care on Monday night. The nursing supervisor told me. She was there all night with the baby. They had to call her back here when mom hemorrhaged. Night shift says she almost did surgery at bedside when they couldn’t get an OR ready fast enough.”
“So when she was here Tuesday, she’d been here all night?”
“All night. Then worked the whole shift and stayed until after the little one went.” She paused and kicked the toe of her shoe with the other heel. “Sad. I can’t believe what that poor woman went through and then to lose the baby after only a day.”
The third nurse was Nancy, and she stopped typing into the computer to say over her shoulder, “Were you here when they brought him down? I can’t get that image out of my head. Tiny thing.”
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