As the dressmakers worked on my gowns, I had my ladies show me the dresses from Henry. They would bring the dresses to my bed sometimes twice a day, and I would reach out, fingering the beautiful materials and sighing, fantasising about the day I could wear them and dance at the court of my brother. I couldn’t wait for Angus to see me in them. I knew he would find me truly beautiful then. It would erase any doubts he would have about my fitness as his wife.
I hoped.
One day in early February I was admiring my gowns while Lady Dacre was trying to convince me to eat a creamy bread and apple pudding she had Cook make when Lord Home entered my chambers with Angus.
I brightened at the sight of my handsome husband. He had been so good with the baby and so solicitous of my health that I put our previous grievances aside. Lady Dacre made a gracious retreat in deference to the men.
Angus offered a slow smile. ‘It is good to see you up, my dear,’ he told me in gentle tones as he leaned in to offer his customary kiss upon my forehead. ‘Are you feeling well? Stronger?’
I nodded. ‘It restores me to look upon my lovely gowns and think of happier times,’ I said. ‘I canna wait to don them for you.’
Angus sat on the bed beside me, taking my hand in his. ‘You will steal my breath away, I am sure,’ he said. His eyes were so soft they seemed almost lit with tears, and I thought it sweet that he would be so moved by the imagery.
At this Lord Home cleared his throat.
‘Lord Home,’ I said by way of greeting. I imagined he was not too comfortable with our loving banter, so attempted to adopt a more regal bearing. ‘Any word from Scotland?’
‘My mother has been taken prisoner to Dunbar Castle,’ he began. ‘Didna even let her ride a gentle horse! She had to gallop through the country like a commoner and God only knows what they feed her at the castle.’ At this he swore an oath. ‘It’s me he’s after, by God! It’s a hard sort of man to take revenge against someone’s mother, innocent old woman that she is.’
Anger heated my cheeks at the thought of poor old Lady Home being dragged through the wilderness like a dog. How I detested Lord Albany! What could he have been thinking!
‘We are much aggrieved at the thought,’ I told Lord Home with sincerity.
At this he and Angus exchanged a glance.
‘What else?’ I prodded, knowing this could not have been all.
‘The duke has taken my estates of Tantallon and Borthwick,’ Angus said. ‘Without those rents it will be hard to finance our cause,’ he went on. ‘And what’s more, he refuses to release my uncle Gavin, even though the Pope has ordered it so he might serve as the bishop he was ordained as.’
‘To not even listen to the Pope!’ I cried. ‘For shame!’
Again, Angus and Lord Home found each other’s eyes; it seemed as though they were each trying to urge the other to speak.
Perplexed, I sighed. ‘Sirs,’ I began. ‘Something else has happened.’
At this Lord Home sat in my bedside chair next to Angus, who tightened his hold on my hand, his thumb stroking my forefinger with a new sense of urgency. He was sweating. A deep flush coloured his cheeks and forehead crimson.
‘My dear,’ he began. He pursed his lips, swallowing hard. ‘Oh, my dear—’
I squeezed his hand in turn. ‘Angus, what is it?’ I cried. ‘The children? Are my babies well?’
Lord Home bowed his head at this, shielding his eyes with his hand.
‘By God, someone tell me!’ I demanded, as frustrated as I was frightened.
Angus’s liquid brown gaze found mine. Tears spilled onto his cheeks. ‘My dear … it is the Duke of Ross. Alexander … he’s … he’s …’
‘He’s dead,’ Lord Home finished for Angus.
My breath caught. I withdrew my hand, bringing it to my chest, where my heart throbbed and ached at once. ‘No … no …’ I breathed, closing my eyes and shaking my head. ‘Oh, God, no! No!’
Angus gathered me in his arms as I sobbed.
‘He is lying!’ I insisted. ‘It is a ploy, a trap of some kind! My child canna be dead! It is an evil trick to lure me back, that he might capture us!’ I pulled away, blinking back tears, almost convinced that this could be true, hoping it was. ‘That is it, isn’t it, Angus? Surely that is what you will tell me next. Tell me. Say, “The duke is alive, however, and is quite well.” Tell me, Angus!’
Angus furrowed his brow in helplessness, shaking his head, reaching out to cup my cheek in his large, warm hand. ‘I am so sorry, Margaret.’
‘Lord Home!’ I cried, jerking my head away from Angus’s hand, turning my gaze to the older man. ‘You must know something Angus does not. That is why you are here. Tell me my son is alive and well. Tell me this is an evil ploy on the part of that devil Albany!’
‘I’m afraid it’s true, Your Grace,’ Lord Home said with a shake of his head, his gravelly voice as gentle as I had ever heard.
I shook my head with vehemence, squeezing my eyes against hot, stinging tears. ‘When?’ I whispered.
Angus drew in a breath. ‘18 December.’
‘18 December!’ I cried. ‘But that was two months ago!’ My mouth stood agape as a horrible awareness settled upon me, realising that the party from Scotland had known when they arrived to see baby Margaret that my son was dead. They had known and allowed me to play with my new wardrobe like a child while they talked of my pitiable case. Those glances at Christmas had told the tale too well. Why did I not sense it then?
‘You knew,’ I seethed. ‘You all knew and let me go on like a fool, a great, pathetic fool!’
‘Your Grace,’ Lord Home began. ‘We couldna borne telling you in the estate you were in. We had to wait till you were strong enough to bear it. And you are strong enough now. Strong enough to get to London to gather the support you need and return to avenge his death.’ He rose. ‘And we did pity you,’ he added in soft tones. ‘We pity anyone who loses a child. Lord knows we have all lost enough in our lives. But we dinna think you are pathetic, Your Grace. We think you are …’ He swallowed, lowering his eyes. ‘We think you are quite strong.’
‘A great good strength does me,’ I spat, my tone hard. ‘Thank God I am so strong, strong enough to outlive my children. God can keep that kind of strength.’
Lord Home offered a sigh. There was nothing he could say and he knew it. He bowed. ‘I will give ye some time alone with your husband,’ he said then, grateful for any kind of escape, I imagined. ‘God keep you strong, Your Grace. Strength is all we have and we need it now, all of us.’
I watched him retreat through a veil of tears. I cursed my strength and I cursed God. How could a loving God do this? How could he take that which I loved most?
‘I suppose he was here to make certain you did tell me the truth,’ I said, angry that such a precaution must be taken and wondering what it said about Lord Home’s faith in my husband.
‘He wanted to be here,’ he said. ‘So you knew that he supported you.’
‘All the support in the world won’t bring my baby back,’ I returned. I leaned my head back against the pillows, closing my eyes, willing to mind images of my baby when last I saw him so bonny and pretty. ‘He was fine when I left him. He was strong and bluff as his uncle Henry.’ I choked on the words as I thought of Little Jamie. ‘Does anyone know how fares the king?’ I opened my eyes, frantic that the same fate should befall Little Jamie. ‘Is he well? Is he very afraid? Has anyone comforted him or made him understand what has happened? Oh, God!’ It was too much. All of it was too much. Little Jamie in Scotland alone trying to make sense of his baby brother’s death with none but the Duke of Albany and his appointed staff to comfort him? As poor as my estate was, his was so much worse. My heart ached to be with him. Baby Alexander’s battles were over before they began; he was with the angels, with his father, my parents, my grandmother, and God. The suffering was for us now, for Little Jamie and me, and I could not get to him. I could not help him.
It was then I hated the
Duke of Albany like no other.
It was his fault my baby was dead. He was no better than Richard III! I would make the world see that; I would expose him for the evil snake of a man he was.
He would pay for his sins against the houses of Stewart and Tudor.
By God, he would pay.
Angus could not comfort me; no one could. I lay alone, the covers drawn to my neck, refusing food and drink. What I longed for no human hand could give. Oh, Alexander …
The men drifted in and out of my chambers; none could speak to me, none wished my tears upon them. None knew how to offer true comfort, not even my Angus. True, most of them had lost their own children time and again, but their children were not princes. Their children did not hold the fates of kingdoms on their tiny shoulders. Their feeble words and consolations could do little to restore me.
Lent was spent not only in deprivation of the finer things in life; I had grown used to that. Mine was a sterner penance. My sons were gone, and the distance between my baby girl and me was of another, subtler kind. I could not bear to hold her or even to look upon her overmuch; when I saw her, I saw her brothers, the one forbidden to me by Albany, the other forbidden to me by God. Whenever I beheld her, I could only but think of her future. Would she one day meet my eyes with the pain of her own agonising choices as a reflection? Would she lose her children and her loves like me? I could not bear the thought of it; we were all but repetitions of the vicious cycle born unto women, living one another’s lives, crying one another’s tears, over and over again.
At Morpeth, I learned of another highborn daughter’s entrance into the world. My brother and Catherine of Aragon became the new parents of a living princess at last, a little lass they called Mary, for my sister, of course. I imagined since my Margaret’s birth they found I had enough of a namesake and extended the courtesy to the family favourite, as out of favour as she was with her forbidden marriage to Charles Brandon on the heels of the King of France’s death. My sister Mary’s star rose further in my brother’s eyes when she bore Brandon a bonny son in March.
If anything, the Tudors were proving their fertility at last.
As if to echo that thought, spring, silent as the snowflakes of its predecessor, was upon us. The days grew longer, the snow began to melt as the earth renewed itself and, with it, hope for my journey southward.
Lady Dacre, my most faithful and tolerable visitor, came to my side as she had so often these past months. She stroked my hair and held my hand, but even her gentle touch, always hoping to solicit a response, could evoke nothing from me. I could not cry any more. I could only think of getting back to Scotland, to Albany, and exacting my vengeance.
‘The only way to get back to Scotland,’ Lady Dacre told me, ‘is to get first to London. You must get your strength up, Your Grace. Get to London and see what His Majesty can do for you to help you. Then you can return to your child the king and set things right.’
I turned my head on my pillow to gaze at the gentle woman who had offered nothing but hospitality and comfort. For the first time I squeezed the hand that had been holding mine. Tears hovered, a painful swelling in my throat, but I could not let them fall. I could spare no time for tears now. She was right; I needed to get to London. I needed my brother, my family.
I drew in a breath. ‘Is there any word on the arrangements?’
‘My lord husband corresponds with His Majesty to see how soon a party and the proper horses and litter will arrive,’ she informed me in her gentle tones.
‘Thank you, Lady Dacre,’ I told her. ‘I want you to know how much I appreciate all you and Lord Dacre have done for me and my baby princess. Were I someplace else,’ I added with a sigh, ‘I do not think I would have been able to endure.’
Lady Dacre’s hazel eyes softened with tears at this, and she reached out to stroke my cheek once more. ‘We love you, Your Grace,’ she said.
It was then my tears, so masterfully hidden of late, began to flow unchecked. How I longed to hear those words! They loved me. Not because I was a queen, not because of my power, or lack thereof. They loved me because I was a woman in need, a mother, a wife, and in me perhaps they saw their own helpless women. For that, or despite it, they loved me.
I reached up, covering the hand on my cheek. I could not speak. No words would ever convey the gratitude that swelled in my heart just then.
It was a good and rare thing to be loved.
In an attempt to gather strength for the journey, I began to eat a bit more. I took in supper with my husband, Angus, while awaiting word of the arrangements.
‘It will be good for us to get to court,’ I told Angus. ‘I think you will like my brother and he you. I am certain he will have grand plans in store for our pleasure. It will be so nice to pretend for a while that things are … well,’ I added in soft tones. ‘And we will all be together for the first time in thirteen years! Mary and that new husband of hers Charles Brandon – what a scandal that was, him marrying her without my brother’s permission, and even after Henry asked him not to propose! She was fresher in her widowhood than I! It’s a wonder they’re even welcome. Of course my brother will forgive our little sister anything,’ I prattled in cheerful tones. Light conversation was so rare these days I was eager to make the most of it. ‘Though Brandon is said to be quite handsome,’ I went on, as if handsomeness could expiate any sin. ‘And Henry, of course. They call him the “handsomest prince in Christendom.”’ I chuckled at this. I did not think I would ever be able to think of him as anyone but Henry, the boy I had once hit with a stick for his teasing. ‘But of course, they have not seen you yet,’ I added, hoping to inspire my husband’s affection.
Angus sighed at this. I noticed he ate little of his fish stew.
‘Eat, darling,’ I urged. ‘We canna have two of us weak and ill.’
He pushed his trencher aside, then took my tray from me, sitting on the bed beside me. I stiffened. The last time he had done so he had told me the news of my baby.
‘What is it, Angus?’ I asked. I could not bear more secrets. ‘If it is bad, tell me quickly!’
Angus drew in a breath. ‘I … I am not able to go with you to London.’
I furrowed my brow, folding my arms across my breasts. ‘What do you mean, you’re not coming with me? Why?’
‘Margaret, Albany has offered terms by which I can keep my estates. If I leave now, I could forfeit everything and be exiled forever,’ he said. ‘I have lost much. I canna lose my homeland, too.’
‘You have lost much?’ I cried. ‘Was it not my baby that just died? Is not my living son motherless in Scotland still? And you have lost much!’
‘I’ve lost a child before, too!’ Angus cried, rising. ‘You think your situation is so remarkable? And was not the Duke of Ross my stepson? Do you not think his death affected me at all? A coldhearted man you must take me for!’
‘I was not saying the loss of Alexander is greater than the loss of your first bairn,’ I said, angry he should read my words such, angrier that he should take my tragedy and make it about him. ‘But you canna say you are more deprived than I am at present! How can you go back to Scotland now and send me, your wife, alone to London with our baby, as if you didn’t care what happens to us at all!’
‘You are hardly alone,’ Angus reminded me. ‘And you are hardly a common wife. You are the Queen of Scotland, for love of God, going to meet your brother the King of England! It isn’t as if you are being sent alone with no guards to protect you. Besides, at the court of Henry you will be treated well and entertained; you will hardly miss my presence.’
‘It isn’t about that,’ I returned, shaking my head at him. ‘This is not a progress for pleasure. We are going to discuss the fate of my son, of Scotland. How can you not be by my side for that?’
‘If I accompany you, I may never get to see Scotland again.’ Angus’s tone was low. ‘Then where would we be? How can I help shape the fate of Scotland if I am exiled from her!’
I shook my h
ead. ‘You are afraid. You would rather bargain with the devil than stand beside your own wife. I am ashamed of you, Angus. You are a coward.’
Angus bowed his head. ‘Maybe I am,’ he said, his voice husky. ‘But I will better serve you, my king, and our interests if I am a coward within the kingdom. Perhaps if you could trust me, you could see that.’
‘I see no such thing,’ I hissed. ‘You are afraid of losing your precious estates and the esteem of Albany and his cronies. You would rather stand with a horde of wrongdoers for the strength of their numbers than stand with any one person, no matter how isolated they are in their rightness, for to do so could risk losing a future political opportunity!’
Angus’s eyes flashed almost onyx at that and I knew I had him.
‘Someday,’ Angus told me, ‘you will regret what you have said.’
‘Until then,’ I hissed, ‘God keep you, my dear husband.’
The anger faded from Angus’s eyes, replaced with a sadness I did not want to acknowledge.
‘God keep you, my dear Margaret,’ he said.
And then he was gone.
14
The Reunion
Though Lord Dacre’s kind eyes reflected sympathy over my husband’s desertion, he was far too polite to voice his opinion. There was too much to do, and even I could not ponder it overmuch. We were to set out to London at last. Soon I would be with my brother and he would set things right, perhaps even have some words for my derelict husband.
Our progress, reminiscent of my long-ago journey to Scotland, gathered a large party of well-wishers to accompany me home. I was feeling rejuvenated with purpose and impatient to arrive at my brother’s court. Each long-suffering plod of the exhausted horse’s hooves, each stop we made along the way, was a torturous hindrance to my goal. Lord Dacre rode with me to Newcastle, where the mayor and my sister-in-law’s equerry Thomas Parr met us. Though I was grateful to be greeted with the proper ceremony and courtesy, I saw all stops as unnecessary. I was feeling as well as could be and wanted to keep moving!
Tudor Princess, The Page 18
