Across the lot, I spotted his Jag backed into a space against the fence surrounding the football field and he was still inside. Should I go talk to him? What if he’s uncomfortable talking to me at school as opposed to in private? Would he think I was trying to get too close too fast if I made such a bold move? If I asked myself all the questions running through my head, I would’ve been sitting there all day. Although things had gone well Sunday – very well actually – I wasn’t sure what was going through his mind now. It was possible that he didn’t think about me at all after leaving my house. He could’ve left me and gone to some other girl’s house to toy with her emotions too. Who knows? Because I wasn’t quite sure where we stood at this point, the thought of just invading his personal space like that made me uneasy.
Texting him seemed like the safest way to go, so I reached for the phone and went for it. “Want some company?” I sat there waiting, half expecting him not to even respond. When he did, I jumped as my phone buzzed in my hand.
“Yours? Definitely. Where u @?” He asked.
I first said,‘Sitting here watching you,”which was true, but borderline creepy, so I quickly erased it and went with, “Chillin’ in my car.”
“Want me to come to u?” He asked. I thought about how it would look if Antonio happened to pull up. Too risky; especially after the Homecoming incident. He’d be looking for my car and I’d have a better chance of getting away with stealing some of AJ’s time if I went to him instead.
“Nope. On my way,” I replied and then stepped out and fought the urge to bite my nails as I walked toward his car, knowing that he was watching me. On top of being overly self-conscious, I also had to make sure that no one spotted me; especially Antonio as I made my way across the lot. When I finally gathered the courage to look his way, I could see AJ smiling faintly as I closed the distance between us. At that moment, it felt like it’d be worth getting caught if it came to that. My main concern was him.
“Did you really have to text first?” He asked and laughed a little once I shut his car door behind me. I blushed indiscreetly and didn’t respond other than shrugging my shoulders. AJ stared, first at my face and then everything else, making it difficult to breathe. I’ve never met someone who made me so aware of…..well, everything. Every time he looked my way I worried about whether my hair was in place, or if I had something in my teeth, or if my clothes were straight. What he thought of me was important – probably more important than it should’ve been considering the fact that I didn’t even put that much thought into my appearance when Antonio came around.
AJ reached toward my neck and I jumped like he was coming at me with a knife. He smiled and tried to contain the laugh that almost slipped out. “I was just gonna look at your necklace. Relax,” he said calmly. He looked me in my eyes to make sure I wasn’t about to freak out again and then back at the necklace as he picked it up and left his hand resting on my neck a little. When his skin made contact with mine, I felt my pulse beating against him. Hopefully he didn’t pay any attention to how fast it was racing, but I doubt that it went unnoticed.
“It’s nice,” he said once he finished observing.
“Thanks,” I replied and then cleared my throat.
AJ was silent for a second and then asked, “He get it for you?” I knew he was referring to Antonio by the tone he took when asking the question.
“Last month,” I admitted softly.
“Hmm….cute,” he replied condescendingly before letting the charm fall back to my collar, implying that he could’ve done better. He rested his head on the back of his seat and looked straight ahead through the windshield. “Yesterday was fun.”
“Yeah, it was,” I replied and briefly relived the day again in my head.
“We should hang out again sometime,” he suggested. I wanted to look over at him, but couldn’t make myself do it.
“Yeah……..we should,” I said in a guilt ridden tone. Again, I thought of Antonio and how horrible a person I was for not letting my relationship with him stop me from whatever I was starting to feel for AJ. As soon as I thought Antonio’s name, he breezed past AJ’s car, but luckily didn’t even turn in our direction. That brought our brief rendezvous to an abrupt end.
“I should go,” I said quickly and reached for the door handle.
Just as I was stepping out, AJ reached for my hand and didn’t have to use much force at all to convince me to wait. When I turned around to see what he wanted, he’d leaned in slightly and immediately grabbed my attention with his gaze. I looked at his lips, then back at his eyes, then again at his lips longingly. Is he about to kiss me? Would I try to stop him like I knew I should, or…..just let it happen? In the midst of my questioning, he smiled and lifted my bag from the floor of the car. “Don’t forget this,” he said.
I felt myself blushing again because I was pretty sure that he knew what I was thinking. “Oh…….right…….my bag………thanks,” I said and then turned away to reprimand myself for being such an idiot. I couldn’t even look back at him as I paced away, fearing that I’d find him laughing at my expense. Of course he wasn’t gonna kiss me! He barely even knows me! And why would I be thinking like that anyway? I needed to keep my mind off of AJ and back on Antonio. Inside, I found him posted against the wall at the front entrance, apparently waiting for me. I was skeptical at first when I thought about how close he was to AJ’s car. Maybe he did see me with him. “Morning,” I said and then looked away quickly to avoid eye contact.
“Hey,” he said and furrowed his eyebrows together questioningly. “I saw your car out there, but I thought you would’ve been here waiting for me like usual. Where’d you come from?” He asked. Lying isn’t a good look for me in the least, but you’d be surprised what you’re capable of when someone calls you out.
“Oh, this girl from my Math class called me over to her car so she could look at my notes from Friday. She was absent and just wanted to make sure she knew what material was gonna be on the quiz this morning,” I said and smiled innocently. Antonio’s inquisitive expression didn’t change at all as he continued to stare at me.
“……Just thought I’d check ‘cause Leslie hadn’t seen you yet either, but I guess we should get to class.”
I wiped away the beads of sweat that were forming on my forehead and blinked nervously. In my peripheral, I could see AJ strolling in with his sunglasses on and his bag slung carelessly over his shoulder, looking like he didn’t even belong in a high school like this. We were all too normal and everyday, while he, on the other hand, looked like someone had brought him to life from a magazine cover or something. I wanted to keep my eyes on him soooo bad, but Antonio was right beside me and would definitely be on alert after AJ’s gesture at the dance.
Antonio and I continued down the hall. I was painfully aware of AJ’s presence behind us as we made it to Mr. Talbert’s room where the rest of my classmates were standing around socializing for the last few minutes until the bell rang. His locker was across the way and he watched me as he put his things up and grabbed something from inside his bag.
“You feeling better?” Antonio asked, calling my attention away from AJ
His question shocked me a bit because I’d forgotten the lie I told him the day before. “Huh? Oh yeah, much better. Thanks.”
“Good. Sorry I didn’t get to call back and check on you. My grandma needed me to come over and move a bunch of stuff down to the basement for her and it took forever.”
“It’s fine. I slept most of the day anyway,” I lied. I couldn’t keep my head clear long enough to even have a coherent conversation with Antonio, especially not with the view I had of AJ as we stood there. Antonio must’ve noticed that I was distracted, because after a few more attempts to pull conversation out of me, he gave up.
“Well, I guess I’ll see you after class then,” he said.
“Ok, see ya,” I replied, smiling to ease his mind. He smiled back and then leaned in to kiss me before leaving to get to homeroom. All I coul
d think of was AJ still standing at his locker, watching. After making a split second decision, I quickly turned my head about an inch and presented my cheek to Antonio instead of my lips. The look on his face was beyond description. Although he was used to me being standoffish when it came to public displays of affection, I’d never denied him like that.
“What’s that about?” He asked with irritation boiling over in his tone.
“I…I told you I was sick yesterday. I don’t want you to catch it too,” I replied deceitfully. It took him a few seconds to let that sink in and get over my reaction, but he was able to shake it off. When he turned to go to class, I caught a glimpse of AJ smiling to himself as he shut his locker and walked away. Things were going to be more complex than I thought. But why? I shouldn’t be putting AJ’s feelings before Antonio’s like this.
I smiled at Mr. Talbert when I passed his desk to take my seat and he waved when he looked up from his attendance sheet. If I was lucky, I wouldn’t have any more awkward moments like that, but I couldn’t ignore the fact that it was very likely. The conversations going on around me were simply background noise. I don’t think I listened to even one word of it; not even when Mr. Talbert got up to speak. I was focused on trying to figure out why I’d snubbed Antonio moments before; what I was doing entertaining these thoughts of AJ; why I wasn’t trying to stay away from him since it was becoming apparent that I had some sort of weakness for him; and how in the heck I was going to put an end to all this.
When lunchtime rolled around, it felt like a bolder was sitting in the pit of my stomach. Eating was out of the question; I’d be doing good to keep my breakfast down at this rate. The thought of being stuck in the same room with both Antonio and AJ was enough to make me seriously consider going to the office and faking an illness. Antonio met me outside my class to walk me to the lunchroom without noticing that I checked over my shoulder every now and again.
“I gotta run to the mall later. Wanna go?” He asked. I nodded absentmindedly, only half listening to his question. “I need to find some new white gym shoes,” he added.
“Yeah, I don’t have anything to do. Why not,” I replied as we approached the door to the lunchroom. As soon as we entered, my heart skipped a beat. AJ was standing by the vending machine with two other guys that I assumed were friends of his. He looked up and it seemed as though he stopped midsentence, directing all of his attention toward me. His friends looked at him strangely for a second and then followed his gaze. I quickly looked away and stared straight ahead until I reached my table where I sat with my eyes glued to the floor to avoid slipping up and watching AJ like I wanted to. It was so bad that I could feel a burning in my chest as I fought against the urge.
When the bell sounded for us to go to class, I breathed a sigh of relief. Antonio stretched. “I can’t walk you to class; I told Mr. Hernandez that I’d get the TV from the Media Center on my way. Is that cool?” He asked.
I looked up. “Yeah, I’ll just see you after school.” He smiled and I think he wanted to try the kiss again, but refrained. We parted ways at the doors and I took a deep breath, feeling as though I’d narrowly escaped disaster.
I made it halfway down the hall when I heard a low voice in my ear. “So, I had an idea,” AJ said.
Before responding, I searched around nervously for anyone who might’ve been paying attention to us talking. I didn’t want anyone to get the wrong idea – or maybe it was the right idea. “What’s that?” I asked.
He smiled as he walked up beside me with his hands in his pockets. “I was thinking I could skip practice today and hang out with you again,” he suggested. “Want to?”
A smile crept up on me. If he wasn’t careful, all this attention he was giving me was gonna go to my head. My brain was screaming YES! But I had to bring it back to the middle. What about Antonio? What about the plans we’d just made together? I was just about to tell AJ, “No, I can’t today. I can’t ever. This isn’t gonna work because I have a man and you’re not him. Sorry, AJ, but let’s just be friends.” However……something completely different came out of my mouth. “Yeah…….I do.” Something told me he already knew I’d accept his invitation.
“Good. Meet me at my car after school lets out. If I’m gonna go, I have to leave quick before my coach catches me.” Great. Now on top of having to come up with a lie to tell Antonio, I had to blow him off quickly or forfeit my time with AJ.
“I’ll be there,” I promised. Our pace was steady as we climbed the stairs side by side. I made sure to keep enough space between us so that, to everyone else, it wouldn’t look like AJ and I knew each other at all. I spotted Megan down the hall and tensed up a little, and unfortunately, AJ detected it.
“You do know we’re not doing anything wrong right now, don’t you?” He asked condescendingly.
“Maybe not right now, but we’re definitely not supposed to be doing…..whatever it is we’re doing,” I replied, folding my arms across my chest as I walked.
At Ms. Jamison’s doorway, I hesitated and let AJ walk in before me just in case Leslie was watching. He and I both took our seats and I sat there, still as ever with my hands folded and planted on top of my desk as I tried in vain to focus on something other than AJ. It was strange to think how I’d sat beside him in this class for more than a month and never even took a second look. I never would’ve thought that someone like him would even consider someone like me. That’s not to say that I’m not a force to be reckoned with, but there’s a separation among races that isn’t often spoken of. When I think of what specific men look for in a woman, to me, those preferences are influenced greatly by that man’s race. For instance, as a general rule, most African-American men look for a woman with a little meat on her bones; kinda like me. White guys like their women bone-thin and top heavy. A “brotha” could generally care less if his woman had breasts or not as long as she looks like she was hauling freight behind her. When I think of Asian men, I picture them with Asian women. Period. Mainly because that’s how I always see it. So, it’s possible that I never picked AJ up on my radar for the simple fact that I wouldn’t have thought he’d reciprocate my interest.
Unable to help myself, I stole a glance at him when Ms. Jamison instructed the class to turn to page 109 to read a passage. I smiled and quickly looked down at my book when I realized that he was already watching me……and so was Leslie. I shot her a tight smile and tried to pretend as though nothing had changed. But that was a far cry from the truth. Everything had changed. How could I be so into Antonio just a few short days ago, and now preparing to break a date with him for another guy? It just didn’t seem possible that someone’s feelings could get so mixed up so quickly, but I was living proof that it could happen.
The end of the day came much more quickly than I’d prepared myself for. It was time to tell Antonio whatever I had to in order to ditch him and do what my heart was telling me to do. He was daydreaming while watching me approach my locker where he always waited at the end of the day. This wasn’t going to be easy, but I was surprisingly sure that I wanted to go through with it; the only problem was getting away with it.
“Ready?” He asked.
I almost lost my nerve…..almost. “Actually, I’m gonna have to take a rain-check. Cramps,” I said and then pointed to my stomach. “I think I’m gonna head home and lay down until it passes.” I hated the sound of a lie leaving my mouth. Antonio leaned his head to the side and looked me up and down with scrutiny; almost like he wasn’t sure if he believed me or not. I had to make it more convincing. “I think that may have had something to do with me feeling so bad yesterday.”
He sighed and gave in to disappointment. “Alright. Maybe I’ll see if Brian’s busy. He’ll probably wanna go.”
“Okay, I’ll text you later if I feel up to it,” I replied and then checked the time on my phone before stuffing my bag in my locker and grabbing my purse and keys from the hook.
“I’ll still walk you to your car,” he insisted.
With a forced smile, I replied. “Okay.” This wasn’t good. AJ would be waiting on me and if I didn’t get to him soon, he’d either have to leave without me or he’d think I was chickening out and would just go to practice. I had to think quickly, so I took out my phone and sent him a message to just meet me at my house. That was smarter anyway just in case Antonio decided to go all Sherlock Holmes and ride past my house later to see if I was telling the truth.
We stood beside my Civic for a moment and I couldn’t really see A.J’s car where it was parked anymore because the lot had filled up since the morning. It crossed my mind that Antonio might try to say his goodbyes with another kiss and I couldn’t risk it.
“I’m feeling really bad. I’m gonna take off,” I said. After a brief hug I hopped in the car and felt my chest heaving from stress. Antonio stood beside my car looking lost for the few seconds it took me to start the engine and back out. From the rearview mirror, I could still see him standing there when I pulled out into the street.
Nothing I was doing or thinking was like me. I’d completely put my moral values aside to play around with the idea of getting to know AJ a little better. Is it worth it? Is it worth losing Antonio? Next week, will AJ even remember my name, or is he the type to jump from one girl to the next like Antonio used to do before we hooked up? It would almost serve me right to hurt a good guy who changed his ways for me and then be taken advantage of by someone who was just like Antonio used to be. How ironic would it be for me to tame one lion only to be devoured by another? The sad thing is: it was too late. I’d already lied to Antonio and started on the path that led to AJ.
When I pulled into my driveway, he was driving up behind me. Quickly shutting the door, I walked swiftly to AJ’s car and climbed in and immediately began looking around at all the extras he’d added to it; he definitely had money to throw around. My attention was averted from all the gadgets when I laid eyes on him.
“Anywhere in particular you wanna go?” He asked.
Gravity (Free Falling) Page 6
