“You were a good mother,” I say but I feel her tense immediately. Damn it, wrong words. She is so complicated, so beautiful, I just want to . . .
“Good!” she pushes me away, leaving my arms empty and cold where she had just been. “If I was a good mother they would be alive! I would not have lost them! He was the last and you put him down!”
“Yeah.”
She stares at me, there are no more words. Nothing can really bridge the gap between us, I feel it widening into a yawning emptiness. She can’t walk with me, she can’t be what I must become, I have to do this to save us all no matter the price. The price will be her. I know this, she knows this, everything else is pretense. I lower my head and stare at the ground.
“Walk away with me,” she pleads.
Is she trying to build a bridge over the gap between us? Where my heart would be I feel something leap and my resolve wavers again. I see a future with her at my side. I can’t speak so I stare at her, she knows it cannot be. I memorize the lines of her face, detailing out every flaw, the hump in her nose from a long ago break, one eye the tiniest bit wider than the other. The two front teeth have the slightest gap between them, each flaw makes her more perfect. Stories tell you how beautiful a woman is in her perfection. Beauty is in the flaws, the almost perfect, that is what makes a woman. Luna has flaws, she is beautiful. I feel, just for a moment, that it might work. I could throw the world away for her but in that moment I see faces; Lily, Athene, and Luna herself. I see them burning, being blown to pieces, unmanned drones eliminating each of them, men with flamethrowers, I hear them screaming and I know I cannot walk away with her. There is no future if I fail. It takes all my will, my belief in Athene and her ability to see what is coming, to slowly shake my head no. Her eyes drop from mine as she nods. We cannot be.
GRIOGAR’S WAY PART TWO
Lily
“WELL!” GRIOGAR SAYS WITH A FLOURISH. “There is more than one way to skin a cat, or slake a thirst.” He smiles, I frown. I feel every nerve ending in my body like it is on fire, each joint throbs with pain, I’m noticing that even my beast is not responding as it normally would, it is wearing down.
“Yeah, fine. What now?” I don’t care what it takes, I need this to stop.
“You, of course, are familiar with the concept of a food chain?”
I arch an eyebrow at him. “Seriously? Fifth grade science is the answer?”
He chuckles. “Mmm, I do enjoy your wit! Yes, actually yes it is. What do you think you are dear Lynx? You are a predator and a predator needs prey. What is your natural prey?”
My eyes widen only slightly, it won’t be the first time I’ve at least tried to feed on a human. Athene keeps a strict diet, never feeding directly on someone that I know of but I don’t know why or why it isn’t working for me. She’s fine, why aren’t I?
“Humans?” I feel it stir in me and for an instant the pain eases, the hunger jumps up but the pain itself lessens just for an instant.
He smiles at me letting me know he can see the hope I feel. It feels like it is shining out for all the world to see. Raising one hand in the air he points up at the moon and makes a come-hither motion. I look in that direction and see a large form, human with wings, flying down from the sky. Balthazar. I thought he was bound to or worked for or whatever it is for the Regent since every time I’ve seen him before he’s doing the Regent’s bidding. So I thought anyway, it will change some things in my mind if he has really been working for Griogar the entire time.
Balthazar lands a short distance away and I can see he is carrying a human in his arms. It’s young, a teenager at most and barely that. Balthazar’s wings, bat like and veined, fold in behind him completely disappearing as if they don’t exist at all. Again I realize how little I know about, well anything. Shaking my head I wait to see what happens next.
The gargoyle walks over to the table and lays the body he carries down on it arranging the body so it’s on its back staring up at the sky. I see the sheen of its eyes reflecting the moon but the person doesn’t move, not a twitch or tremor at all. Griogar says something to Balthazar in a thick language that sounds vaguely Scottish, like some kind of Braveheart accent, but I don’t understand what is said. Balthazar turns towards me arching an eyebrow when he is positioned so that Griogar cannot see him. I give him the slightest of nods to let him know that I am okay.
Griogar stands behind the stone table again on the opposite side of me. He clears his throat and motions me to come closer, waving a hand up and down the body which I now see is a young boy dressed in a hoodie and jeans with Nike shoes on his feet that are at least one size too big. His clothes are stained here and there and slightly off sized making it clear he is a street kid.
“This, oh yes, this is a meal fit for our kind. Young, tender, not too aged - you don’t want them too aged, in my opinion the blood gets a dusty taste to it, almost like dirt. Perhaps it is calling to the dirt it will soon be resting in.” Griogar chuckles at his own joke.
Me, I’m not amused. I feel shaken, this is just a kid, and he’s too young. My vision closes down, the beast growls, pushing for release while my own conscience fights against it. Somehow I feel separate from the two struggling factions inside me; the animal that wants to feed and the conscience that wants to cling to human values. I feel like I’m on a hamster wheel running fast and getting nowhere. Memories tug at me, pulling my attention away from the internal struggle, I remember . . .
**** 10 Years Ago ****
I can smell something burning before I open the door. The key doesn’t want to work and the lock sticks but the manager of this hell hole never fixes anything. There is trash piled up and down the hallway which is covered with carpet that is sticky and gross to walk on. I hear the television blaring inside the apartment as well so I try to hurry in. I don’t want to leave William alone with our Mother for too long. He may be eight now but he is delicate, always a little on the weak side, he is susceptible to illnesses and often sick. I have been out hustling to get money for some flu medicine for him. It’s been a good day; I lifted some memory cards from a corner store that I was able to get a twenty for from the pawn shop. The door lock finally yields and I push the door open, something is piled behind it and I have to put my shoulder in to force it open.
“Damn it William, keep your toys away from the door!” I hear a cough and the smell of burning is stronger, smoke is hanging in the air in a thin layer rising to the ceiling when I get through the door. My heart races, what the hell now? The living room with its sparse broken down furniture is empty, the black and white television blares out the PBS channel, the image rolling almost in time with the sound it issues.
“William?” Stepping in I look down the hallway to the kitchen at the rear of the apartment, the smoke is coming from there and I see flames. Instantly I’m running, the entire place is a fire hazard, I’m sure no code inspector has looked at this slum in more years than I’ve been alive. Any flame is a danger and the one I see could easily get out of control.
There is a pan on the gas stove next to which is a box of macaroni and cheese that is on fire. I grab a pan lid on my way to the problem, slamming it down on the fire cutting off the air and causing it to go out. The room is still smoky forcing me to cough as I look around for my brother. I find him curled up in the corner, his arms wrapped around his knees, mumbling.
“I’m sorry Lil, I’m sorry Lil, I’m sorry Lil,” he repeats this mantra over and over.
I kneel down beside him gently pulling him into my arms. William is delicate, the world is often too much for him. Mom gave birth to him after she became an addict and whatever was in her system did not do him any favors. I hold him in my arms tightly; humming and speaking nonsense to let him know it is going to be all right. I look around the kitchen and down the hallway, trying to figure out where our Mother is, the woman who should have been holding her eight year old son. The bedroom door is closed, she is probably passed out in there again.
“L
il, I was hungry,” he says.
I look down at him in my arms while stroking his hair. His big eyes are wide but he smiles at me and my heart melts. He is slow, I know it, so I work with him the best I can but trying to care for him, make sure the rent gets paid, scrounge up food, it is all so hard to keep up with. Anger is a hard ball in my gut but I can’t show it, that will only upset him and get nothing done. I clamp it down and push it away.
“I know Will,” I ease him up to his feet as I rise myself. “I’ll fix some food. Let me check on Mom.”
He nods and goes to the kitchen table. I hear a noise outside the rear door there in the kitchen, a dog barking and something crashes like someone has knocked over a trash can. I pause a moment to make sure nothing else is going to happen then head down the hallway. I knock on the bedroom door but the only answer I get is the sound of a man grunting. Great, she has a ‘guest’ over.
“Mom, Will needs dinner!” I call out loudly, hoping that the sound of kids in the house will cut short the asshole’s pleasure. It works sometimes, depends how cold the bastard is in there with her. Apparently not this time as all I hear is a muffled command to fuck off.
I return to the kitchen and quickly put things in order, I start water for the mac and cheese that Will tried to fix. I find some hot dogs in the fridge, there are only three left and I look from them to Will then pull out all three. He can have two, I ate pretty good yesterday and he is so skinny. He never seems to put on weight no matter how much I feed him. Everything is on the stove and there are no more issues there so I go back to her bedroom.
“Mom! Hey you going to cook?” she really pisses me off so I’m just trying to antagonize her. Whoever she has in there with her is probably trading drugs to her for favors. Fucking bitch. “We’re so hungry! Besides, I thought the doctor told you to not have sex anymore after you found out you have the AIDS?” Take that you whore. “Have you taken your meds?”
I walk back down to the kitchen after hearing a very satisfying outcry in the room. Maybe the asshole will get out now. She will beat me in a bit, but at least this time I will deserve it, well more or less.
Will looks up at me from his spot at the rickety table, smiling broadly, he has a plate in front of him and a knife and fork in his fists. He starts pounding the silverware on the table, giggling as he does so.
“Feed me! Feed me! Feed me!” he chants.
I noogie his head on my way past. “All right little monster,” I chuckle. I check the water and it’s just starting to boil as the bedroom door slams open. I feel a sense of satisfaction at stopping her pleasure, she sure never gave any to us. I turn around as the screaming starts.
“You fucking cunt!” A scrawny white guy covered in tattoos wearing a white wife beater and jeans that hang mostly off his butt showing his silk boxers stands in the door screaming. I can’t see his hands or most of his arms as they are still in the room with her.
“Please Carl, don’t leave, I swear she’s just a little shit, she don’t know nothing! I’m clean! Stay! You can have her too!” my Mom begs, I can hear her tears. My stomach tightens as fear washes through me, she has made that offer before.
“Fuck you and fuck your little bitch as well!” he yells stepping back. The gun in his hands is the biggest thing I’ve ever seen. Everything seems to happen in flashes, slow motion with bits cut out of it. I see him waving the gun in my direction where I stand in front of the stove, I think he is aiming at me but William is between the two of us. I see my Mother’s arms reaching out of the door, the edge of her bare breast just visible. She strikes the man, which pushes the massive gun down from where he had aimed it. He turns towards her just as the massive barrel in his hands belches out smoke and flame. I swear I can see the bullet traveling. I move, pushing myself, I move the fastest I’ve ever moved diving for William. He is pounding his fists on the table up, down, up, down, up . . .
William is in my arms, smiling at me and warm liquid is soaking my shirt sticking it to my skin. I feel a scream tearing my throat as it roars out, I can’t stop it, my brother’s face blurs as the tears flow down my face. No, no, no, no.
“Lil,” he is still smiling. “Is it mac and cheese time?” he coughs and blood splutters across his perfect little white teeth. He blinks once, his hand reaching up towards my face, then he goes limp in my arms. There is no stopping my screams.
*** Now ***
I blink as the last vestiges of the memory fade from me. Tears are streaming down my face, draining me, making me feel even weaker as I look from the boy to Griogar. Griogar stands quietly watching and waiting to see what I will do. The ache is so great; I feel the monster in me starting to win. I narrow my eyes at Griogar.
“What has he done?” I ask.
Griogar smiles. “Murder,” he says easily. “Part of his initiation to the gang he was a part of. He kills for fun now, rapes girls and little boys. He is not nice, and far, far from innocent.”
I look down at the boy and desire, need, and revulsion war in the pit of my stomach. I reach out with my ability and touch the darkness in this boy. I can feel it there, it is not formed and given shape like a vampire but I can sense it, if not control it like I can a beast. I pull at the strings of black pitch I find in this boy’s soul and I know, I know what he has done and that Griogar speaks truth to me.
Good enough, I no longer care and the beast wins. My vision clouds over with a red haze as I step back and let it run wild, grabbing the boy violently though he doesn’t react at all. I see my hands doing this, my eyes getting closer as my head lowers to his neck, my fangs extending but it is all more like watching a movie. I’m disconnected from it, the beast is in control. My fangs pierce his soft tender flesh and his blood bursts into my mouth hitting the back of my throat pulsing with each beat of his nervous heart. I drink deeply, it comes fast but I take it all in, not wasting a drop. It is euphoric, I feel my pain lift, the thirst is gone, quenched, relief at last. I close my eyes allowing the sensations to drift over me as I feed. Warmth pulses through my veins and I feel my heart start beating to push the blood out and through my system.
The flow slows and my heart beats once, twice before I realize that it is beating in time with my prey’s heart beat. Each time his heart beats mine is there with it in perfect synchronicity. Beat, spurt, drink, beat, spurt, drink. It slows even more and then there are just trickles, I have to suck to pull them out and the beast does god help me it drains dry every last drop. Right there at the end there is something more, I feel myself continuing to suck wanting to pull that last bit in but there are hands on me. I look up and growl seeing Griogar whose hand is wrapped in my hair trying to pull me off the boy.
“No no,” he says waving a finger of his free hand in front of my face.
I want to bite that finger off then drain him through the resulting wound.
“That my dear would start you down a path none of us are ready for. Now where was I? Control. Yes, your monster is in charge now, you need to get it back. You are in control here.”
I hear his words and I step forward, exerting dominance is easier now as the beast is sated so it settles down for me easily. I look at Griogar and give a half nod so he releases his hand from my hair and I stand up straight. For the first time in a while I don’t hurt. The ache is gone and a smile spreads across my face.
“Better?” he tilts his head as if waiting.
I start to say yes, then my stomach feels like someone punched me and I double over in pain as the thirst crashes back in. I need more, it’s not enough! I look up at him in agony.
“What. . . . in . . . . hell?” it’s hard to get words past the bouts of pain.
He chuckles and shakes his head. “Food chain, remember? Obviously we haven’t gone high enough yet.”
I frown at him as the pain finally subsides to a manageable level and I can stand up straight again.
“You had best not be messing with me Griogar,” I say.
“My dear Lynx, I would never even consider it
. I’m only interested in helping,” he insists one hand resting on his chest as he radiates sincerity that I don’t really buy.
“Sure,” I retort. “I’m sure you have no ulterior motives at all. Oh, and I’m also the dumbest vampire ever brought into this world.” I can’t hide how angry I am that all of this has been for nothing.
Griogar just laughs at me. “I do so love your sarcasm. Of course I have ulterior motives! I want to see how this plays out, I’m so very interested. You are throwing so many things into motion, it is going to be so amusing to watch them all as the frenzy over you continues. That said, it is late and I will need some time to make arrangements for the next of our lessons. I believe your car is waiting for you out front.”
There is nothing more to be said. I don’t know what his game is, or what he stands to gain by it. Maybe he is telling me the truth, he appears half the time to me to be crazy to one degree or another. If you get to be as old as some of these guys you probably get bored with life. Maybe it is all just a game to him and he is just messing with people. I have no answers tonight and I’m tired, the ache throbs inside me less now than it has been, but still there. I want to go home.
GRABBING POWER
Katherine
I’M BACK IN MY STREET CLOTHES as I walk out of Griogar’s place. Another City Council Member is satisfied and put well under my control. When my phone chimes I pull it out and check my texts. Genosoa wants to see me; something must not be going according to his plan. I pull a compact out and check my make-up, adjust my breasts to make sure they are jutting to just the proper degree then climb into my Mercedes. I love the roar of its motor, quiet yet powerful as I navigate it through the City to his place.
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