by Nigel Latta
A while ago I decided that simply covering my own arse wasn’t good enough. I decided to step outside that particular box. Now whenever I’m working with a kid like that, no matter how bad his situation, I usually start with the same question: ‘When do you want to be home?’ This is the only thing he cares about, so it’s the only place we can start.
This is not what I ‘should’ do. If the family is a mess and there is no logical chance of him going home, I should just focus on his anger management. Except that he doesn’t care about that, he just wants to go home. I don’t promise him that he will, but I do promise if he does everything he can to make that happen, so will I. And I mean it. Without hope, these kids start to die inside. And our prisons are full of people who are dead inside.
I don’t worry about how we’ll get there at the beginning—often it seems impossible. I just want to establish the goal posts at the very start, and try to find the solutions between us as we go. You can’t let the fact that something is impossible stop you.
Surprisingly this approach works more often than not. Most of the kids I work with go home. It’s never perfect, and there are usually dramas aplenty along the way, but most of them get there. If I’d looked at it purely logically from the beginning I would simply have said that such an outcome was impossible. There was no way this kid could ever go home and be ‘safe’.
Except I know that home is the safest unsafe place for him to be. It is both the right and the wrong plan. If I have to put his life in a box at the very start then I’m going to have to put it in the unsafe box, and then it’s all over before it’s even begun. If I do that then we won’t even look at how we could make it work because we’ve already decided it can’t.
The end result of all this is that some of these kids are now back living at home, not so angry, and trying to get on with a more normal life. I’ve also saved the taxpayer a considerable amount of money. One kid I worked with had cost the taxpayer over $90,000 in the preceding year because he was so out of control and needed a high level of monitoring. At the time I met him he was in a specialist foster home with bars on the windows and 24-hour video surveillance. The problem was, the more the system toughened up, the more he acted out. After talking to this boy a few times I suggested that, in the complete absence of any logical reason to do so, we started to work towards his returning home. It was a bumpy and less-than-perfect ride, but in about six months he did go home, and now he doesn’t cost us a bean. In fact, just as I was finishing this book, I learned that he’s currently completing a new-start course for university, which means he has to get up at 6.30 a.m. to catch a bus into town for classes. He’s turning up every day, doing the work, and has his eyes set on law school. Any reasonable person would have said such an outcome was impossible. It was, and still he got there.
The last time I’d seen this kid I told him that the world was going to remind him over and over why he would never make anything of himself, and that when it did, he should politely tell the world to go fuck itself.
It seems that he did.
This is just one small example of how the box logic of ‘shoulds’ limits our thinking and prevents us from finding solutions where there are logically none to be found.
There are so many more, I could fill a whole other book with them. Time after time I see box logic preventing people from solving problems that might otherwise be solved. We waste resources and drop people through the cracks day after day. So, most of the time, I spend a great deal of energy trying not to act very professionally. I keep as far away from box logic as I can.
Unfortunately I am not blessed with the ability to summon up farts from the ether. Some people seem able to fart almost at a whim, but not me. To compensate for this I made up a sound-effects CD with various noises, one of which is a particularly meaty fart. I have found that in my line of work sound effects are essential.
I was seeing a nine-year-old boy we can call Billy. He was a skinny little kid, and his home life was a mess. He’d been sexually and physically abused, and bounced between his separated parents for years. In the last couple of months he’d been engaging in sexual behaviour with younger children in his school. The referral information said Billy was, not surprisingly, a very anxious child. On the phone the day before, his social worker told me he had said nothing to her when she’d interviewed him. Absolutely nothing. Not even his name.
I could see as soon as he came into the room that he was scared. He was a pale, fragile-looking little guy, and he seemed desperately sad, in that quiet unspoken way children like him show their pain. He wouldn’t make eye contact and didn’t even acknowledge my greeting. Instead he sat in his chair clasping his hands and looking like he was about to burst into tears.
Such situations call for sensitivity. Typically one should give careful thought as to how one’s questions are phrased, and the tone in which they are asked. One wrong move and Billy might pop.
‘Listen to this,’ was all I said, then I flicked on my fart track. As the melodic, gently undulating sounds of the fart began, Billy looked up and giggled, but as the sound grew and grew into a rolling tidal wave of a fart, he completely lost it. Within seconds he was sliding off his chair onto the floor, convulsing with laughter. Billy lay on the floor, clutching his stomach and laughing like a madman as I repeated the track over and over. I had to stop in the end because it was just getting cruel. Billy laughed until it ached. Eventually he climbed back into his chair, holding one hand on his aching stomach muscles and wiping the tears from his cheeks.
‘Hey, Billy,’ I said, starting over. ‘I’m Nigel.’
‘Hey,’ he gasped.
‘Did your social worker tell you what it is that I do?’
He shook his head, still giggling, and now his eyes sparkled a little.
‘Should I tell you?’
He nodded. ‘Then can you play that thing again?’
I smiled. ‘What? This?’ I hit play again.
Poor Billy laughed so hard he nearly died. When you do the work I do, it’s all about farting.
KEEPING SAFE
I COULDN’T WRITE a book like this without saying a few things about ways to keep yourself and your children safe. I’ve spent a long time with the Bad Man, and I know some of his ways. I know some of the tricks that he uses, and some of the places and people he likes to hunt. Because of that I may be able to tell you some things that other people can’t.
This is not the complete guide; there’s no such thing, since you can’t always know who the Bad Man is, where he will be or what he wants. It’s also not my intention to scare you. Generally the world is a safe place, but I do think there is a need for us all to be more informed. A little paranoia may be wise in these interesting times.
First off know this: if the Bad Man really wants your children, he’ll get them. You won’t even know he’s there until it’s too late. This is a terrible fact, but it’s true nonetheless. Parenting is as much about living with fear as it is about love. You can do some things to minimise the risk but unless you keep your kids within arm’s reach 24 hours a day, you cannot fully protect them.
You should also know the Bad Man can be anyone. He can be a neighbour, a cousin, an uncle, a father, a teacher, a pastor, a doctor or a stranger. The Bad Man can be anyone. The Bad Man can also be a mother, an aunt or a sister.
Sometimes the Bad Man can seem like the nicest possible person. He can be warm, supportive, funny and kind. If I had a buck for every time I’ve heard ‘but he’s so good with children’ I’d have made quite a few bucks. Sometimes he can be so convincing even I feel myself being pulled in, even when I know he’s guilty. I know he’s lying, but I can still feel the pull of the undertow.
Most often, the Bad Man will be someone you know, probably someone you think you know well. Remember: you can never know what’s behind another person’s eyes. If someone gives you bad vibes, if they feel creepy…listen to that. Trust your instincts, don’t trust what he says. If he seems too good to be true, he m
ight well be. Most of what the Bad Man does happens below ground, so if you feel a tremor, no matter how slight, you should listen to that.
Know too that there are dangerous places in the world, places where the Bad Man goes. You’ll find him anywhere that children congregate: school playgrounds after hours, youth groups, parks, swimming pools. These are all high-risk places because the Bad Man is drawn to them like flies to the honey pot. He’s not there all the time, but he does go there from time to time, and you’ll never know where or when.
My advice would be that you never let your children go to these places alone, because these are the kids he’s looking for. Like all predators he’s looking for the unprotected calf at the edge of the herd.
If you’re in these places and you see someone who is obviously alone, and obviously hanging around, then make it obvious to him that you see him. If there are other children there don’t leave until you can be sure they are safe. He might be perfectly innocent, but I’ve worked with too many sex offenders who go to schools and pools and playgrounds to believe we can ever let our children play unsupervised in such places.
If something does happen, call the police as soon as you can. Too many people shoo off a ‘dirty old man’ from these places and then never follow through by calling the police. Me, I’d grab him and pin him to the ground till the cops get there. Just once I’d like a reason to drop the bugger rather than talk to him. You should probably make your own call on that one.
And having said all this, remember: most often the Bad Man will be someone you know. More children are hurt by people they know than some stranger in a park. Of the 38 children who were killed in New Zealand between 1998 and 2001, all but one were killed by family members. The Bad Man doesn’t often come unknown; most often he’ll be wearing a mask that may be as familiar as your own face.
The Bad Man also seeks out particular people. He has a special fondness for single mums. Although it’s not just any single mums, he particularly likes women who are struggling to cope. He likes mums who want some nice man to come along and help out, maybe even helping out with the kids from time to time. Maybe taking them on outings, or babysitting while she goes out, or helping with the basics like bathing at bedtime. Maybe tucking the kids into bed at night while she relaxes watching Coronation Street? The distance from the living room to a dimly lit bedroom can sometimes be a thousand miles.
If you’re a single mum, have a care over who comes into your life. There are some nice blokes out there, but there are some bastards as well. If he seems to be taking more of an interest in your children than you, be very wary. If he seems to take more of an interest in one particular child, be very, very wary. Above all else, listen to those little niggling doubts.
Here’s the typical pattern: start a relationship with the mother, build up a rapport with the children, get everyone to like and trust you, then start to separate off the child. Build more trust with the child using gifts and attention, and reassure the mother as you continue to manoeuvre the child into a more isolated position. Continue to reassure the mother, then sexually abuse the child for as long as you can while you continuously reassure/manipulate both the mother and the child.
If you’re a single mum, be wary of new people your life. Sometimes people seem too good to be true because they are.
In that same vein we should all be wary of people who take a ‘special interest’ in our kids. This is particularly true as your children get closer to adolescence. There are a whole class of sexual offenders who are drawn to kids on the brink of emerging sexuality. These kinds of sex offenders take jobs as teachers, priests, youth-group leaders, sports coaches, counsellors and the like. They take young people under their wing and gradually work away at everyone until they can achieve their real goal. They present themselves as nurturers, but they’re really just thieves.
I’m not saying that everyone who takes an interest in your kids is a sex offender. There are many people out there who work with kids because they genuinely want to help them, but there are also some who just want sex. So if your kid is spending a lot of time with an adult like a coach or a teacher, and you are concerned, check it out.
Ask questions. Make sure you set the limits. And once again, don’t trust what he says, trust what you feel. With this guy you will never have any firm evidence, you’ll only ever have an amorphous, ambiguous, shifting sense of unease. Listen to that.
Here’s one for everybody: don’t let a teenage boy baby-sit your children. It doesn’t matter who he is, or how well you know him, just make that one a non-negotiable rule. If you have a teenage girl baby-sitting your kids make it explicit that she doesn’t have friends or boyfriends over. Girls aren’t completely safe either, but they’re safer than boys.
Statements like this will undoubtedly offend quite a few people, not the least of which will be teenage boys and their supporters. People will say it’s unfair to tar all teenage boys with the same brush. Probably it is. Too bad.
I’m less interested in the sensitivities of teenage boys than I am in the safety of children. I’m not saying all teenage boys are baddies, the vast majority are not, but the fact is that a lot of adolescent male sexual offenders do it whilst they’ve been left looking after children.
If you have your children in some kind of daycare or preschool, do your homework. Find out who works there and how the centre vets new staff. Look at the physical layout of the building. Are there a lot of closed-off areas or is it open? Generally the more open the layout the better. This is safer because staff can see the children better, and also individual staff members can’t be alone with your child. Look at the children’s toilet/changing room. Is there a door that can be closed? Can other staff see the area?
You also need to think about it from an offender’s point of view. If he wanted to snatch your child how easy would it be? Was the door locked when you came in? Did anyone ask who you were? Are there fences? Can someone on the street see the children? Is there adequate supervision of the children outside? If you wanted to jump the fence and grab a kid, who would notice? How could they stop you?
Generally I’m more in favour of larger centres than home-based caregivers. There are some very good home-based caregivers, but as a general rule there is less accountability. You have far less control over who comes in and out of the house during the day. I’m not saying don’t go to those types of caregivers, but I am saying you need to be very careful if you do. Ask lots of questions, make unannounced visits. Specifically ask who the other people are that come and go from the house during the day.
Never leave your children where there are constraints about when you are allowed to visit. You should be allowed to see your kids any time you want. Always treat people who want to restrict your access to your child with suspicion. Never leave your kids with a caregiver who has adolescent boys in the house, or who visit the house.
If you have a nanny be very clear about the fact that she is the only one to look after your child. In recent months I have heard of two nannies who let relative strangers toilet the children, and in both cases the children were sexually abused. Don’t assume these things, say them very clearly.
Here’s another one, probably one of the most important: Teach your children to trust their instincts. Kids know when something isn’t right, and it’s important that you give them permission to listen to those feelings. This is important because often the Bad Man will be trying to teach them the opposite. He’ll be telling them that what he’s doing is all right, or natural, or that it’s no big deal.
Whenever I run a ‘Keeping Safe’ programme in a school one of the major messages I try to get kids to understand is that they should trust their feelings. You don’t really need to explain to kids all that much about the difference between ‘good’ and ‘bad’ touching, mostly they have a really good idea about that stuff. What you do need to teach them is to pay attention to how they feel about what someone is doing to them.
Children know when something isn’t
right. They know the difference between a hug that feels nice and a hug that feels creepy. Both hugs might even look the same to us grown-ups at a casual glance, but children know. They may not be able to explain what is wrong about it, or why, but they feel it just the same. I talk with kids about this ‘alarm bell’ inside them that goes off when someone is doing something that’s not OK. The intention is to get kids to listen to this inner alarm bell and then to go tell a trusted adult that their alarm bell has gone off. It’s the adult’s job to sort out what to do next.
Teach your children to listen to their alarm bell, not what anyone else tells them, and help them identify a range of people they can go to if this should happen.
Here’s one exclusively for women: pull the curtains at night. This might seem obvious, but you’d be surprised. I know there’s an argument that you shouldn’t have to, that you have the right to leave your curtains open if you want. I agree with the principle, but if you live your life by that principle you’re an idiot. The Bad Man has no principles. Close your curtains.
A common misconception is that you’re only in danger from peeping toms when you’re getting changed. Because of that a lot of women don’t mind leaving the curtains open if they’re simply wandering about the house during the evening. Wrong.
It’s not just the peepers you need to be watchful for. Not everyone is out there for a quick perve while they jack off in your garden. For some the quick perve is merely the apéritif. For some the act isn’t about voyeurism, it’s about target acquisition. For some the watching is the prelude to the main event. Watching is the planning phase.
You don’t have to be getting changed or taking a shower. You could be doing the dishes, or sitting watching television. You could even be sitting reading this book. It doesn’t matter to him. First off he’s looking to see if you fit his tastes. He’s seeing if he wants you. Then he’s imagining what he’s going to do to you (and you better believe he’s doing that in intricate, painstaking detail). Then he’s looking at the doors and windows, planning his way in, planning his way out. He’ll make a note in his little mental black book, and then he’ll leave. He doesn’t hurry though, because he hasn’t done anything wrong yet. The running will come later.
