But I wish he would do the same when I’m awake. I wish he’d help lay down new brain paths for me and scuff out the old. I wish he’d tell me how perfect I am, just as Father did when I was small. That he’d exclaim over my darling apricot ears and perfect fingernails. That he’d scuff out the paths Stepmother stomped into existence, paths of wickedness and guilt.
I fall into mad dream thoughts of fingernails and babies. I put a baby on the wrong train, and no one can find it, and I’m running about, looking for the baby, but the air is thick as glue. What a relief to wake up and realize I’ve been asleep. Rose has gone, leaving behind half a plate of sunset buns and a litter of crumbs. Eldric holds the paintbrush in the tips of his fingers.
“Damn!” he says.
“I can give it a go,” I say.
The paintbrush pauses. “Sorry, did I wake you?”
“I don’t think so.” I try to shake off my dream.
He reaches for the plate of buns. “Give it a whirl, will you, while I get things warmed up.” He glances at the bowl of soggy cream. “And get things colded up.”
I give it a whirl. Painting a tiny fidget is not as easy as it sounds. Every little mistake looks huge. A dribble of paint has run into a corner and dried.
“Damn,” I say. I was never as wicked as I’d thought, so I have some extra goodness to balance out a bad word or two.
The truth will set you free. That’s both true and not true. It was certainly liberating to learn I’m not a witch. To learn I hadn’t hurt Rose, or even Stepmother, at least not with Mucky Face as my weapon. To learn that Stepmother was never really ill, except for a brief period after the fire, before she turned to Rose, and of course, the last day of her life. It was not so liberating to remember I poisoned Stepmother, but for that, I am forgiven. It seems that if someone (Stepmother) is killing someone else (Rose), the law permits you to kill the someone in order to protect the someone else.
I like myself.
I like myself.
Or, for example, the law permits Eldric to wing the constable in order to protect Briony Larkin.
Eldric returns with a sunset-lathered bun. We speak of a certain person who has an eye for color but can’t manage to finish painting a certain fidget. We speculate that she has gone to visit Robert: Rose has become awfully independent these days. We are relieved of our conversation when Tiddy Rex comes running by.
Eldric looks at me. “Shall we?”
“Is it dry?”
Eldric nods.
I call Tiddy Rex onto the porch. “You are just the boy we want to see. We hope you will agree to join our secret society.”
“The Fearsome Four,” says Eldric.
“The mission of the Fearsome Four is to fight for justice,” I say.
“To go on quests,” says Eldric.
“I never been on no quest,” says Tiddy Rex. His eyes are wide and exactly match the color of his freckles.
“In the olden days,” I say, “people set off on quests by horseback. But in these modern days, heroes go by motorcar.”
“Motorcar!” Tiddy Rex’s voice is just a squeak.
“The existence of the Fearsome Four is a solemn secret,” says Eldric. “Will you join us and dedicate yourself to our mission?”
Tiddy Rex flushes. “Aye, aye!”
“Kneel, then, Tiddy Rex, that you may be sworn into the secret society of the Fearsome Four.”
Tiddy Rex kneels. I glance up as though this is a holy moment. The sky is all stretchy clouds, like elastic lace. “Do you solemnly swear to face all perils in order to rescue those in need? Do you swear to be relentless in the eternal quest for justice?”
“Aye, aye!”
“Do you solemnly swear to motor from one end of the world to the other, rooting out evil wheresoever you may find it?”
“Aye, aye!”
Eldric rises. He sets a leather cord around Tiddy Rex’s neck. “I now pronounce you a member of the Fearsome Four. Welcome, Tiddy Rex! Rise and walk among us.”
Tiddy Rex’s face is a starry map. He touches the fidget hanging on the cord.
“Mister Eldric!” he says, for the fidget is a brilliant copy of the motorcar, right down to the tiny brass eagle. The eagle’s not made of brass, of course, but it’s painted gold, and you can see its beak and its every talon.
I look at Eldric and he looks at me. That was fun! For a moment, we actually had fun.
I’m expected to rest after supper, to prepare myself for the next grand adventure in life, which is sleep. Father and Eldric think they’ve bullied me into this with the suggestion that I shan’t be well enough to study with my new tutor. Yes, Father has engaged a tutor for me, just as brilliant as Fitz. James Bellingham. I haven’t yet told him his pet name. I wonder if he’ll like it?
But neither Father nor Eldric is particularly skilled at bullying. I sit on the upstairs landing until I hear Pearl bid Father good night. I think about Jim Bellingham. What would have been better? To have allowed Father to send me away to school, or to have remained in the Swampsea, to have met Eldric?
But I had no choice, had I? Stepmother saw to that, making me believe I called Mucky Face and injured her. She knew I couldn’t leave her then, not for school, not for anything.
I slip downstairs. I have an excuse ready, should anyone see me, but I don’t need it. I slip out the kitchen door, over the bridge.
I step in the hoof prints of the Shire horses, as Eldric and I used to do. But I’m lonely, and I’m already tired. I shuffle along, I ignore the hoof prints. All I want is to see the green mist. Tears come to my eyes.
Honestly, Briony, enough of the self-pity. What a baby you are!
Stop, Briony: Amend that thought!
What a darling baby, and such delightful apricot ears!
I clamber up the riverbank and cut across the Flats. But it’s harder to walk on the sloppy ground. Where’s wolfgirl? She never minded a bit of slop.
I’ll have to reinvent wolfgirl too. But she won’t be so hard to reinvent. I’ll have to stomp out muscle paths for her, not brain paths. Muscle paths are easy; the brain is a tricky thing.
I think of the moment I discovered that Stepmother was a Dark Muse. I remember my hand moving across paper, my pen leaving a trail of ink. I remember myself, sitting in a sea of crumpled bedsheets, beside the do-not-cross line. I remember that I was ill, that the pen was heavy.
I wrote that Stepmother brought me writing materials. I wrote that the more I wrote, the sicker I got. I wrote about Father’s illness and of his immediate recovery once he abandoned the fiddle and left the Parsonage. I wrote myself into understanding. I wrote myself into realizing I had to make sure I could write nothing anymore. I knew I hadn’t enough power to refuse to write. I couldn’t resist Stepmother’s spell.
I wrote myself into understanding I had to burn my hand.
But the brain is tricky. I couldn’t allow myself to remember what Stepmother really was. I made myself forget. I scuffed out my own real memories while Stepmother trod in false memories.
“Such a vasty time to bide away, mistress!”
I have come upon the Reed Spirits. I’ve not been to the swamp since All Hallows’ Day.
“I’ve been ill,” I say. “I’ll come back and talk to you properly when I’m recovered.”
“An’ tha’ll fetch our sweet story along with thee?” How sweet their voices are, and how mournful. Careful, Briony, or you’ll cry.
I understand better, now, the appetite of the Old Ones for their story. The Chime Child has told me. She may have made a mistake with Nelly Daws, but she is terrifically clever and knows ever so much about the Old Ones. It’s only the mortals, she says, who can write down a story, so that it doesn’t vanish with memory. And of course, it’s only we, the Chime Child and I, who can hear the Old Ones and set their story down.
“When I am better,” I say, “I shall come to set down your stories.”
How they sigh and sing. “Mistress!
“Mistress!
“Our thanks to thee, mistress!”
And when I’m better, I shall apprentice to the Chime Child. Sometimes the Chime Child says she’s made so many mistakes of late, she should apprentice to me. But I don’t know. It’s a difficult job. There is much she has to teach me.
I walk on slowly. I am tired, but I am also thinking. I think about the Old Ones, that they have a past but no history. I think about the inevitability of death, and whether it’s not that very inevitability that inspires us to take photographs and make scrapbooks and tell stories. That that’s how we humans find our way to immortality. This is not a new thought; I’ve had such thoughts before. But I have a new thought now.
That that’s how we find our way toward meaning.
Meaning. If you’re going to die, you want to find meaning in life.
You want to connect the dots.
The Old Ones are born immortal. They’ve lived hundreds upon hundreds of years. But they’re going to die. Someday soon—in five days, or five months, or five years—we humans will come up with a cure for the swamp cough. Then Mr. Clayborne will light the illuminating gas and set the machines going and drain the water from the swamp.
I look about the Flats, I try to imagine it. Men will dig up the ancient trees. They’ll shrivel the Flats into a toothless granny. They’ll drain the swamp into a scab. The Old Ones will have nowhere to live. And if that doesn’t kill them, industry will. The factories and hospitals and shipyards that are sure to come. The Old Ones can’t survive a world filled with metal. They can’t survive the clatter and growl of machinery.
I leave the Flats. The fields are not too far now. Just down the road. But the road looks long and I feel the prickle of tears again. It’s because I’ve been ill, I know. That’s all it is.
And when the bog-holes are puckered shut, where will the Boggy Mun go? Will he go to the sea? And if he does, what then?
Is the sea too big to drain? Probably not. Look what mankind can create. Now you can photograph a person moving, and when you look at the photograph, you’ll actually see him moving, which is why it’s called a moving picture. This is hard to believe, I know, but still, we humans are inventing such astonishing things. I shouldn’t be surprised if, in time, we’ll be able to drain the sea.
And what of the Old Ones?
Only the stories will remain.
Another quarter mile to the fields of rye. You can manage it, Briony. Don’t cry.
I don’t cry. I walk and walk and I arrive.
There are fields, but there are no fields of rye. Not yet. There is no green mist.
I sit down. I am too tired. I am a baby with apricot ears who needs to cry. But I don’t. I sit at the edge of the fields and stare at the brown earth.
Everything is still, save for a puff of dust in the distance. It is accompanied by a sound. The puff and the sound come closer. It turns into a beautiful shade of red—one might call it cardinal.
The motorcar stops a few yards short of where I sit. Eldric emerges. I look up when his shadow falls over me.
“Well, if it isn’t Miss Briony Larkin,” he says.
“Let’s say it isn’t. You might like me better.”
Eldric sits beside me. “How do you mean?”
“I wanted to check on the green mist,” I say.
“Like you better?” he says.
I shrug, which I should remember not to do. My shoulder still hurts. “It’s just one of those things people say.”
“No it isn’t.”
What does he know about it? We are silent for a bit. What does he know about anything? Then I surprise myself and say, “I don’t feel I know you anymore.”
“You know everything about me,” he says. “Including a few things you oughtn’t.”
Girls, he means. I know things about Eldric and girls that I oughtn’t. I was tipsy at the time, but I know from Cecil that that’s no excuse.
“You never talk about your hand,” I say.
“This hand?” He holds out his right arm. His sleeves are rolled up. He never bothers to disguise the stump.
“That hand.”
“What about it?” he says.
“Remember what I said about complaining? You never complain.”
“You want to know if I miss it?”
“Yes.”
“The answer to that depends on other answers,” says Eldric. “But I don’t have them yet. Here’s an example: Do you miss my hand?”
“Only if you do,” I say. “I want to know what it’s like for you. Is it horrible when you want to make something and you have to ask for help? Or is it horrible in a boxing sort of way?”
“Do you mean that I can no longer take on a Cecil Trumpington?”
Cecil Trumpington, magnanimous Cecil, distributing arsenic to his friends, including Fitz. Including me. I’ve apologized to Cecil dozens of times, but I know he still doesn’t quite believe I could have forgotten about him, about the arsenic, about the murder.
“I suppose so,” I say.
I’ve tried to remember the day I realized Stepmother had started to feed upon Rose. I remembered it as vividly as I could. I remembered that I watched the two of them together, under the parlor table. I remembered that I watched Stepmother snip-snip-snipping at Rose’s endless bits of paper. I remembered looking at my hand, thinking I burnt it for nothing: Stepmother could no longer snack on Briony’s writing, but there was another Larkin sister who might be just as tasty.
Eldric turns his stump this way and that, examining it. “What makes you think I can’t take Cecil on?”
“I don’t know. I just assumed—”
“Please don’t assume anything.” His voice goes tight. “You do realize I haven’t been emasculated?”
Emasculated. That’s the word Dr. Freud would want to use.
“Who said anything about being emasculated?”
“You did. You do. Every time you look at me, you do. I hate the way you slide your eyes away from me.”
“I do not!”
“You do! You think, Poor fellow. What he wants is a dose of arsenic. Liven things up.”
He leans in close, too close, and now I’m shrinking back. “I can still kiss a girl, you know. I can still unbutton her frock.”
I try to push him away, but he pushes me, instead. Two fingers is all it takes, two fingers pushing at my breastbone, and I’m tumbled to the earth.
“There are, of course, certain disadvantages to missing a hand,” he says. “If the girl’s inclined to run away, you have to sit on her—so!” He doesn’t quite sit, but he kneels to either side of me. He traps my middle with his knees.
“Get away!” I pound his middle, his chest, whatever I can reach. But he catches the two of my hands with the one of his. The sun is behind him. His eyes are all in shadow.
“I can still unlace a girl’s chemise.”
All the Cecil awfulness comes back to me: crumpled girl froth; and hard lips; and lunar eyes; and blood, and spit, and sick, and choking and choking; and the memory of the choking makes me choke again. I turn my head to the side so I don’t drown.
Eldric lets go of my hands. I can still unlace a girl’s chemise. But he doesn’t touch me. He lays his hand on his face.
He is weeping.
I feel very unwell. “Will you let me up, please?”
Eldric stands. I stand. I walk into the field. I walk between the rows of grain. Everything has changed. I am breathing and walking, breathing and walking.
I won’t say I hate myself.
I won’t say I hate myself.
It’s difficult, though. There was a certain comfort in hating myself. Then, at least, I knew what I was. But now that I know I’m not a witch, I’ve lost my way to myself.
I will not hate myself.
I stand in the middle of the field. It is a Chime Child time of day, an in-between time. The sky pushes her blue shoulder through bits of the moon.
“Briony!”
I walk faster.
“
Briony!”
“Go away!”
He’s coming close. I whirl around. “Don’t touch me!”
He stops. He raises a hand of surrender. He’s a messy crier. He has great red splotches on his cheeks. “Please let me show you the real reason I came to find you.”
“You didn’t come to rape and pillage?”
He flinches. “May I show you?”
“You didn’t answer my question.”
“Let me show you. Then you’ll know.”
“Show me, then leave me alone.”
He opens his fingers. On his palm lies the tiniest fidget. “I have to confess I didn’t make it all by myself.”
The fidget is a dazzle of gold and pearl, except that pearl doesn’t glitter and this does.
“I don’t expect you to take it. But I wanted to show you that I didn’t come to—” He bites at the insides of his lips, but tears come to his eyes.
“On Halloween night,” he says, “I told you I loved you. You didn’t say anything then, you haven’t said anything since. I meant to tell you again, tonight, but the very first words out of your mouth were about my liking you better if you weren’t yourself.”
Why did I say that? If I weren’t so angry, I might be ashamed.
“But I can’t possibly like you any better than I do. And when you said that—well, I’ve taken a lot of blows in my life, boxing and whatnot, but I’ve never felt one like that. Like a mule kick it was, to the chest.”
Why did I say that?
“A person gets to wondering, he gets nervous, he loses his confidence along with his hand. The girl laughed with him when he had both hands. The girl kissed him when he had both hands. But now she hardly looks at him. He blames his hand.”
“That,” I say, “is the stupidest thing I ever heard. You don’t laugh with your hand. You don’t kiss with your hand.
“Do you Blackberry-Night with your hand? I wouldn’t know, of course, because I had no young man on Blackberry Night. He ran away.”
“I didn’t run away!” says Eldric, but his lion’s lips begin to curl.
“I find myself wondering what a proper Blackberry Night might be like,” I say. “The sort of Blackberry Night where the young man doesn’t remember words like virtue or Advent wedding. The sort of Blackberry Night where the young man stays in the rye.”
Chime Page 28
