I raised my head just enough to glare at him. In response, he sighed and shook his head. “Man, you need a plan or something. We’ll start small. You gonna break up with her?”
I dropped my head back against the couch and groaned as something twisted sickeningly in my heart. I hated her, I did. I kept telling myself I did. She screwed my brother over. She sat there all pretty and inviting and vulnerable and listened to all of my conversations like a damn spy and sent all that information to her goddamn daddy. She was nothing but a gorgeous little mole.
“Dude, really? You’ve gone soft. Like, pushing rope soft. What the hell is the matter with you? Pussy-whipped. Shameful. I really thought you were better than that, B. She must have some freaky moves to have you hooked like this.”
“I wouldn’t know,” I said flatly.
He scoffed and stared bug-eyed. “What do you mean, you wouldn’t know? You’ve hit that, right? Boy, it’s been months. You’re really gonna sit there and tell me you ain’t…?” He gyrated his hips exaggeratedly, miming obscenely.
I shoved myself off the couch, making a face as my own body odor blew in my face. Those gin sweats could send a skunk running. “I’m using your shower,” I said.
“Grab some clothes too, homie, you’re crusty as hell.”
Echoes of a possible future played out in my head. Me, crashing on Eddie’s couch until graduation, suffering through endless parties every weekend. I liked a party as much as the next guy, but damn, a man had better get sleep sometime. Eddie was always on, always pushing. He couldn’t help it. I swear he was a used car salesman in a past life and just never got over it. He didn’t just push illicit things, either. He was pushing every damn thing in life.
I stepped into the shower and let the hot water rinse the junk out of my pores and really considered it. There were five months of school left. If crashing with Eddie was my only option, what would he push me into by the end of it? Don’t get me wrong, he was my best friend…but that was kind of the problem. We were friends because I let him do his thing and he let me do mine, and we gave each other enough room to move that we weren’t stepping on each other’s toes.
The more I thought about it, the more pissed off I got. Arlena hadn’t just ruined Damon’s life, she’d ruined mine, too. I was already fighting with my GPA. If I had to live here, my scores would tank. I’d be lucky to graduate at all, then I’d be in the same boat as Eddie. Might as well start moving kilos at that point and embrace the lifestyle.
That thought snapped me right out of my funk, flinging me into a pool of fury. Damn it, I swore to Damon and to myself that I would never go down that road. Never. I had bigger plans. They would take a lot longer to pay off, but by the end of it all, I would be somebody. Now all of that was in jeopardy, all because some little rich girl decided to play me like a damn fiddle.
I dried off and changed into some of Eddie’s more conservative clothes—you could barely tell the little pink spots were flamingos unless you looked really closely—and decided to take the problem right to him.
“Damon’s completely fucked,” I told him.
“So you told me about a million times this weekend,” he said dryly.
“Yeah, but here’s the thing. The apartment is Damon’s. Rent’s coming up and I don’t have it. He didn’t exactly prepare for this. In a couple weeks, I’m going to be out of a place to live.”
Eddie looked at me thoughtfully and I could almost hear an echo of my own reservations, tipped on their head. “That’s a problem,” he agreed slowly.
“Yep. I’m pretty messed up right now, Eddie. I can’t even think, I’m so pissed. You see any solutions here that I don’t?”
He scratched at the scruff on his chin. “Yeah? But—there will be stipulations. Like you can’t be a buzzkill all the damn time. You gotta figure out what you’re going to do about the girl. And you can’t bitch about the parties.”
I dropped my forehead onto my clasped hands and sighed. “I was afraid of that.”
“It’s either that or running drugs for me, my man. I can hook you up, but that whole thing with your brother kind of puts the spotlight on you, and it wouldn’t even be an option until you could guarantee that you’d break things off with your snitch. Er, girlfriend.”
“Nice recovery,” I said, my voice dripping with sarcasm. “No shit I’m breaking up with her. As of right now.”
“You gonna text her? Cold, man.”
I shook my head. “Hell no. She screwed Damon, she screwed me, and she lied to me. For months. She had months to come clean and she didn’t. She fed me all these lies about how her dad’s some computer programmer and her mom’s an interpreter or some shit and how they both work from home so I could never go over there.” A blazing red headache flashed behind my eyes and I pressed my thumbs against my nose. “Hell no. She can figure it out for her damn self. She’s probably figured it out already, I haven’t talked to her all goddamn weekend.”
Eddie cocked his head, regarding me thoughtfully. “Usually I’d call that the coward’s way out, but it looks good on you. Icy cold shoulder vengeance. Yeah, I can dig it.”
The doorbell rang then, and he frowned. “Who the fuck? Man, it’s like three, I ain’t even dressed yet.”
“Sounds like a personal problem.”
“Don’t take it out on me, I warned you about hooking up with the weird girls,” he said as he walked to the door. “Hey, speak of the devil.”
My heart leapt and burned. Arlena? Here? Why? But when Eddie swung the door open, Sam stepped inside. He bowed to her like a damn clown and she rolled her eyes. She pinned me with a blazing look and sashayed over.
“I knew you’d be here. So predictable.”
“What do you want, Sam?”
Her mouth twisted into a cocky little grin. “To congratulate you on your newfound freedom, of course.”
I narrowed my eyes at her, then shifted my gaze to Eddie suspiciously. He shrugged and shook his head, patting his robe pockets to show me that he didn’t even have his phone.
“How do you know that?” I asked.
She scoffed. “Baby, please. I saw the look on your face when you found out who that little bitch really was. I may have taken the liberty of explaining the situation to a few of our mutual acquaintances.”
My heart thumped dully in my chest. The whole school knew and now I’d spend the rest of the year—the rest of my life, if I couldn’t make it out of the hood—as Blayze, the sucker. They’d eat her alive, of course. People loved Damon almost as much as they loved Eddie. We were the indomitable trio, gods of the schoolyard. So what, she fucking deserved it.
“God, I can’t stand to see that look on your face,” Sam said, sounding disgusted. I didn’t even realize how fucking close to me she was until her lips were against mine. Sam kissed me before I could even register that she was going to. Her familiar mouth and scent were comforting, somehow, even as the sane part of my brain screamed that this was the worst idea in the history of bad ideas. I told it to shut the hell up and kissed her back, holding her tight enough to put pressure on the gaping wound in my heart.
She pulled away with a gasp and a giggle, then twirled her finger in my hair. “Ooh, baby, did you miss me?”
“Not even for a second,” I said. I was being perfectly honest, but she didn’t take it that way. She grinned and kissed me again. Danger, danger, flashed in my head and warning bells rang down my spine. I couldn’t bring myself to care. The rest of the world seemed intent on destroying me. If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em, right?
As I tipped the scales on my own destruction, Eddie whooped. With friends like these…the rest of that thought was lost under an avalanche of sticky, strawberry-scented kisses.
5
“Okay, take two,” I told my reflection with more energy than I felt. “Whatever that was, it’s all out of their systems now. Blayze will be at school today. Everything will be fine. Let’s do this!”
My reflection blinked dubiously back at me.
Yeah, this wasn’t going to work. There was no pep talk in the world that would get me amped up enough to walk into the lion’s den with my head held high. I dressed down and crawled into my biggest hoodie, as though that would help me to go unnoticed. It was worth the effort, though. And, seeing as I wasn’t exactly in the mood to get dolled up, comfort would have to do.
I left the house before Mom had a chance to hassle me with smiles and freshly made breakfast. The nervous churn in my stomach told me food wouldn’t be my best friend, today. And smiles and small talk… I wasn’t up for either of those things.
Avoiding mom turned out to be easy. I tried to count that as a win, pushing through the front door and stepping into the blinding sunlight. If my heart was in my throat before, it was in my mouth now. Sitting tight on the bottom step was another rose. This one was dead and brown, curling grotesquely around itself. My stomach twisted and all the food I hadn’t eaten was trying to push bile into my throat. Instead of bending to pick it up like I’d done with the previous rose, I kicked the damn thing into the bushes and stormed to the garage, hot tears pricking at the corners of my eyes.
Love is dead? Is that the message, Blayze? What the hell did I even do to you?
I kept my hood up and my head back all the way to school. My car stuck out like a flashlight in the dark, but at least I wouldn’t have to see their sneering faces before I got to the building. Pulling into the school parking lot, slammed on the breaks and did a quick check of my surroundings. The aim was to hurry the fuck up and get inside as fast as I possibly could, get a seat at the back of the room, and be as invisible as possible all day long.
But I couldn’t make myself leave the safety of my car. The busses pulled in and unleashed a roiling sea of vicious faces onto the blacktop. The parking lot filled, slowly at first, then faster as the clock clicked ever closer to first bell. Song after song spilled from my radio, and still, I didn’t move. I just couldn’t face them, not yet. I knew I would have to go in there eventually. But eventually wasn’t right now.
“I could always drop out instead,” I muttered. “Fuck it, who needs an education anyway, right?”
Every preppy bone in my body flinched at that and I ground my teeth. The parking lot emptied seconds before the bell. I’d hidden myself well enough. Nobody had even looked my way. Fine, I thought. Let’s keep it that way. I kept the engine running for the heater and sang along to the radio absent-mindedly. So maybe I just won’t go to first period today. Maybe I won’t go to second, either. Fuck it, maybe I’ll just take the whole day off. I won’t be missed, clearly.
I argued with myself all through first period, but my heart wasn’t in it. I knew I wouldn’t go into that building unless I absolutely had to. I was just about to give in to my fear and drive away when I saw him.
Blayze.
My heart skipped a beat and my throat tightened. Sweaty fingers slipped off the key in the ignition and I fumbled for a moment before finally turning the car off.
“Blayze!” I shouted across the parking lot as I slammed my door shut behind me, racing after him. All thoughts of staying hidden disappeared, replaced by the singular objective to get him to freaking talk to me. “Blayze!”
I saw him hesitate, his spine stiffening, but he kept putting one foot in front of the other. I swore under my breath “fuck” and ran even faster. He was stalking away from me as quickly as he could, moving toward the school, his long legs carrying him forward almost as fast as I could go at a full sprint. I finally caught up to him just outside the front door and grabbed at his jacket. He jerked around, his eyes full of furious fire, and caught my wrist in a vice grip.
“Blayze,” I said, tears springing into my eyes. “Blayze, you’re hurting me.”
He laughed a cold, dangerous laugh and squeezed harder. Two point five seconds later, he had me spun around, and pinned to the rough brick wall while he ground his teeth in my face. I blinked, barely recognizing the man standing in front of me. Everything in me screamed that I was in danger, but that didn’t make any sense. This was Blayze, my hero, my protector.
“I’m hurting you? I hurt you, huh. Tell me, how does that feel? Like ripping your heart out and tearing it to pieces in front of you, maybe?” He chuckled, a humorless sound. “Nah. Just a little pinch.” He squeezed again, his green eyes glinting dangerously. I stopped breathing. For a second I thought for sure he was going to break my arm.
“Blayze, stop.”
“Stop? Sure, I’ll stop.” His voice dropped to a threatening growl. “But you better fuck all the way off and keep my name out of your fucking mouth. Eddie’s, too. As a matter of fact, maybe just don’t talk at all. I think you’ve done enough of that already.”
He dropped my arm but didn’t move, pinning me to the wall with his vicious glare. The door opened beside us and I was suddenly aware of the sea of faces pressed up against the window in the wing across from us.
Familiar faces.
My heart sank.
6
“There you are, Arlena! I called roll five minutes ago. Get in here, come on.” Ms. March, my history teacher, made a point of sounding stern and facing me, but her attention was on Blayze. I wondered how many times she’d had to break up fights before they started at this school. She tapped her foot, making a show of looking impatient.
As much as I wasn’t looking forward to being a participating or non-participating member of school today, I knew that Blayze wasn’t going to let me go back out to my car. Ms. March was my best shot at escaping his wrath. And even that was iffy. He still hadn’t moved. He was a stone, a furious ball of fire, and was completely unbothered by her presence.
“Yes, ma’am. Sorry,” I whispered, my words shaking out through trembling lips. Tremors rocked my body from head to toe, but I squeezed my way past Blayze and trudged after Ms. March anyway. Blayze’s eyes burned on the back of my neck until I was well out of sight. When we were nearing the door to the classroom, Ms. March rubbed the spot between my shoulders and made soft clucking noises.
“You’re a smart girl,” she said. “Use that brain when you’re outside of the classroom too, okay?”
I nodded numbly, feeling as though the bottom had fallen out of the world. Blayze had been the smart choice, damn it. He wasn’t in and out of jail like some of the guys around here, he didn’t have a million girlfriends, and he was respected. Feared, I corrected myself, rubbing my sore wrist. Now I understood why. Anybody who could flip from love to violence like a goddamn light switch could strike fear in the hardest heart. I wished my heart was a little harder.
The students all scrambled back to their seats as Ms. March opened the door. None of them would look at me. I hoped that would last, but I wasn’t optimistic. I’d been publicly shunned and berated by the one person who had kept them off my back all this time. I might as well have been chum in the water.
“All right, guys, focus,” Ms. March said calmly, brushing hair out of her face. “Let’s talk about Napoleon.”
I didn’t even pretend to pay attention. I was still shaking. I could feel the next five months stretch out interminably in front of me, full of petty violence and jeers, and it drained the life out of me. Only minutes into the class, I could no longer keep my eyes trained forward. I put my head down on the desk and wrapped my arms around me like a shelter as I let silent tears fall.
Not ten minutes later, something hit my head and stuck. I reached back reflexively and instantly regretted it as my nails sank deep into someone’s chewed wad of gum. Snickers spread through the room. Too many eyes glinted at me for me to even guess at where the gum originated from. Not like it mattered anyway. They were all animals, waiting hungrily for their piece, and I was the meal. They would tear me apart bit by bit and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it.
History class was only the beginning of the terror, as expected. By the time I’d made my first full trip down the hallway, I wasn’t sure if today would be survivable at all. The accidentally-on-purpose shoulder checks in
the hallway, projectiles in the classroom, the whispers of the small groups who followed me at an uncomfortably close distance. Tension grew like a bubble around me. Everyone who came within sight of me glared, grimaced, or looked through me. This was far beyond what I’d faced when I’d committed the sin of being a newcomer at the school, but it had the same sort of vibe to it. Like they’d been proved right about me, somehow.
Lunchtime came and the hell continued. I had only been in the lunchroom five minutes before I’d been pelted with everything on the menu and retreated to the nurse’s office. The nurse was a stern woman in her late sixties with wiry grey hair held in place with dozens of pins. She pursed her lips and raised an eyebrow at me.
“Headache,” I said weakly. “Can I lie down?”
“Headache, huh.” Her eyes trailed over the food stains all down my front. When her expression softened, there was no questioning the fact that she saw right through me. “Sure, baby, you can hide out here. You eat?”
I shook my head tiredly. “Don’t think I could keep anything down even if I tried. I really just want to rest for a little, please.”
She shrugged and waved me into one of the little partitioned spaces, pulling the curtain in place to help me better hide away from the world. It was dark and cool and empty. It might only have been six feet of peace, but that was more than I was going to get anywhere else and so I took it, reveled in it, appreciated it.
Sighing, I pulled the thin blanket up to my chest and sucked in a deep inhale. My breath pressed painfully against the ball of stress at my core, dispelling any comfort that might have wanted to find me. I spent the whole lunch period thinking of nothing at all except breathing. It didn’t do any good. When the bell rang, all that stress and tension ripped through me again, crunching my bones together.
“All right, child. Back to class with you.”
I offered the nurse a weak smile and thanked her before stepping out into the hallway. As soon as my eyes adjusted to the difference in lighting my stomach clenched so hard I thought I would throw up. There, on the bulletin board across the hall, was a blown-up picture of my face with “SNITCH” scrawled across it in big, red letters. People snickered when they looked at it, nudging each other. I pulled my hood up before any of the vultures saw me and hurried to class with my head down. I was already here and seeing as there were many days in the future waiting to be skipped, I figured I’d just ride this one out to the end. And, despite the fact that it felt like the day lasted an eternity and a half, I managed to survive it.
Manic: A Dark High School Bully Romance Page 5
