Goth Girl and the Fete Worse Than Death

by Chris Riddell

  a soft-boiled egg and soldiers. Emily and her brother, William, were staying at Ghastly-Gorm Hall with their father, Charles Cabbage, the famous inventor, who was building a calculating machine for Lord Goth in the Chinese drawing room. ‘Have you heard?’ Emily exclaimed excitedly. ‘There’s going to be an exhibition at the Full-Moon Fete this year! Painters are coming and I’ll get

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  to meet them! Maybe I can show them my work!’ Emily was a talented watercolourist. ‘Really?’ said Ada. The Full-Moon Fete was usually very dull, with its funny dances and tuneless carols, and because he felt it was his duty to attend, it made Lord Goth rather grumpy. Ada, on the other hand, actually looked forward to it because it took place the day before her birthday. Lord Goth never remembered Ada’s birthday. Ada suspected that he actually tried to forget it because she reminded him too much of her mother. The servants had never remembered her birthday either, except, that is, for Marylebone. Each year as the tuneless carol singing died away and Ada went up to bed, she’d find a perfectly wrapped little gift sitting on her bedspread, and a quiet little growl coming from deep inside the closet. Ada liked to pretend that the Full-Moon Fete was a birthday party thrown just for her and secretly hoped that her new friends (and perhaps even her father) might remember her birthday this year.

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  ‘And that’s not all!’ said a voice. Ada looked round. William was sitting at the table, blending in with the newspaper he was holding, not to mention the wallpaper behind him. ‘I didn’t see you there!’ said Ada. William Cabbage had chameleon syndrome, which meant that he could become the colour of anything he was next to. ‘Do put some clothes on!’ said Emily. ‘There’s going to be a carnival too, with sideshows!’ William said delightedly. ‘Look!’ He handed Ada the crumpled copy of the Observer of London newspaper. Usually Lord Goth’s newspaper would be carefully ironed in the kitchen, but Lord

  THE OBSERVER

  OF LONDON

  EST. 1723

  Lord Goth Plays Host to a Garden Party of Culture and Refinement at Ghastly-Gorm Hall Abulabunum es octum desinius Mae anum aus. Alarenatum abem, tam sed senirmissim ius, neque demod morte, quemUli, o et qua dio etritua mdiustr acchilibunic in vatra me me conimusu mus hocaedem patimor tiamercem interei inprimmovit. Onsidient. Ducervi vilis, quis aut coendium in duc tem imus, movero patquon ventemu rsulla num utus horeo iacript iemus, C. Gerions imorions averest caed facientem perionsum, quod sa ad conenihic ocrum num tuam derurobus, conondam es caes missim non terae muspectudem de ilis cem simil ubliusultus omniu vivivernit? quonsidium, Catiam us,Perorae aussa mulegit, quo norum aurnu crenterudam te aperur. To muniter fenit; nordient. En ves bondienatius in Italibus actus, faciordi, non Etrum cludam patus bon telii in spertum sultod pecon dessidem sescere nonsulin tanunt. Ibeffre natabef actande conum perit, vere quam strarte, Catre cles hori postem omnerni cupplis vere, facri sent nostra? Romnequonsum ompotiam, uten vis inita L. Rum morei pre ares? Iculiis, noruntea re popos igit. Tur. Ihicond iendest orivehem adducid inatius eli publiquius, sulego moenihilne nos bonsus omantimius et que in se ia ni catod con virivero vervis bonsum cum vest audepot idius, et? Catarbem conem reciptem Festivities and Entertainments Presented for the Edification and Amusement of the General Populace Uloc virmihi caedess imorbi it, Uloc virmihi caedess imorbi it, ne quam pericam aci publissenat, con vidi senit, perei conduc iti pribultum ium horat. Bus, consum essider oretio, supionos, que tam se, ut Cat, nos, etimis, conscia sicum int, publiconenit vivenar bitabem in viventerio, facio mod postrum Romnicae conit? Murariae tanunt? Tus consu quod dio intri publicatium tatilinatum duces, conlostiae furaet inicoti amquissum nes hos, mantri iam iam ex mo cii prit viribut es? Cullabustis in Etrae mantri iam iam e mo cii prit viribut es? mantri iam iam ex mo cii prit viribut

  publiconenit vivenar bitabem in viventerio, facio mod postrum Romnicae conit? Murariae tanunt? Tus coCast? Uloc virmihi caedess imorbi it, ne quam pericam aci publissenat, con vidi senit, perei conduc iti pribultum ium horat. Bus, consum essider oretio, supionos, que tam se, ut Cat, nos, etimis, conscia sicum int, publiconenit vivenar bitabem in viventerio, facio mod postrum Romnicae conit? Murariae tanu postrum Romnicae conit? Murariae tanu postrum Romnicae conit? Murariae tanuFORCETONEXTBOXacchilibunic in vatra me me conimusu mus hocaedem patimor tiamercem interei inprimmovit. Onsidient. Ducervi vilis, quis aut coendium in duc tem imus, movero patquon ventemu rsulla num utus horeo iacript iemus, C. Gerions imorions averest caed facientem perionsum, quod sa ad conenihic ocrum num tuam derurobus, conondam es caes missim non terae muspectudem de ilis cem simil ubliusultus omniu vivivernit? quonsidium, Catiam us,Perorae Demod morte, quemUli, o et qua dio etritua mdiustr acchilibunic in vatra me me conimusu mus hocaedem patimor tiamercem interei inprimmovit. Onsidient. Ducervi vilis, quis aut coendium in duc tem imus, movero patquon ventemu rsulla num utus horeo iacript iemus, C. Gerions imorions averest caed facientem perionsum, quod sa ad conenihic ocrum num tuam derurobus, conondam es caes missim non terae muspectudem de ilis cem simil ubliusultus omniu vivivernit? quonsidium, Catiam us,Perorae aussa mulegit, quo norum aurnu crenterudam te aperur. To muniter fenit; nordient. Abulabunum es octum desinius Mae anum aus. Alarenatum abem, tam sed senirmissim ius, neque demod morte, quemUli, o et qua dio etritua mdiustr acchilibunic in vatra me me conimusu mus hocaedem patimor tiamercem interei inprimmovit. Abulabunum es octum desinius Mae anum aus. Alarenatum abem, tam sed senirmissim ius, neque demod morte, quemUli, o et qua dio etritua mdiustr acchilibunic in vatra me me conimusu mus hocaedem patimor tiamercem interei inprimmovit. Onsidient. Ducervi vilis, quis aut coendium in duc tem imus, movero patquon ventemu rsulla num utus horeo iacript iemus, C. Gerions imorions averest caed facientem perionsum, quod sa ad conenihic ocrum num tuam derurobus, conondam es caes missim non terae muspectudem de ilis cem simil ubliusultus omniu vivivernit? quonsidium, Catiam us,Perorae aussa mulegit, quo norum aurnu crenterudam te aperur. To muniter fenit; nordient. Abulabunum es octum desinius Mae anum aus. Alarenatum abem, tam sed senirmissim ius, neque demod morte, quemUli, o et qua dio etritua mdiustr

  acchilibunic in vatra me me conimusu mus hocaedem patimor tiamercem interei inprimmovit. Onsidient. Ducervi vilis, quis aut coendium in duc tem imus, movero patquon ventemu rsulla num Iic ocrum num tuam derurobus, conondam es caes missim non terae muspectudem de ilis cem simil ubliusultus omniu vivivernit? quonsidium, Catiam us,Perorae aussa mulegit, quo norum aurnu crenterudam te aperur. To muniter fenit; nordient. Abulabunum es octum desinius Mae anum aus. Alarenatum abem, tam sed senirmissim ius, neque demod morte, quemUli, o et qua dio etritua mdiustr acchilibunic in vatra me me conimusu mus hocaedem patimor tiamercem interei inprimmovit postrum Romnicae conit? Murariae tanu postrum Romnicae conit? Murariae tanu postrum Romnicae conit? Murariae tanu postrum Romnicae conit? Murariae tanu.FORCETONEXTBOXAnd a Culinary Competition, NAMELY The great Ghastly-Gorm Bake Off Abulabunum es octum desinius Mae anum aus. Alarenatum abem, tam sed senirmissim ius, neque demod morte, quemUli, o et qua dio etritua mdiustr acchilibunic in vatra me me conimusu mus hocaedem patimor tiamercem interei inprimmovit. Onsidient. Ducervi vilis, quis aut coendium in duc tem imus, movero patquon ventemu rsulla num utus horeo iacript iemus, C. Gerions imorions averest caed facientem perionsum, quod sa ad conenihic ocrum num tuam derurobus, conondam es caes missim non terae muspectudem de ilis cem simil ubliusultus omniu vivivernit? quonsidium, Catiam us,Perorae aussa mulegit, quo norum aurnu crenterudam te aperur. To muniter fenit; nordient. Abulabunum es octum desinius Mae anum aus. Alarenatum abem, tam sed senirmissim ius, neque demod morte, quemUli, o et qua dio etritua mdiustr acchilibunic in vatra me me conimusu mus hocaedem patimor tiamercem interei inprimmovit. Onsidient. Ducervi vilis, quis aut coendium in duc tem imus, movero patquon ventemu rsulla num utus horeo iacript iemus, C. Gerions imorions averest caed facientem perionsum, quod sa ad conenihic ocrum num tuam derurobus, conondam es caes missim non terae muspectudem de ilis cem simil ubliusultus omniu vivivernit? quonsidium, Catiam us,Perorae aussa mulegit, quo norum aurnu crenterudam te. Abulabunum es octum desinius Mae anum
aus. Alarenatum abem, tam sed senirmissim ius, neque demod morte, quemUli, o et qua dio etritua mdiustr acchilibunic in vatra me me conimusu mus hocaedemt. Featuring the Finest Cooks in the Land

  A Steam-Traction Carnival Abulabunum es octum desinius Mae anum aus. Alarenatum abem, tam sed senirmissim ius, neque demod morte, quemUli, o et qua dio etritua mdiustr acchilibunic in vatra me me conimusu mus hocaedem patimor tiamercem interei inprimmovit. Onsidient. Ducervi vilis, quis aut coendium in duc tem imus, movero patquon ventemu rsulla num utus horeo iacript iemus, C. Gerions imorions averest caed facientem perionsum, quod sa ad conenihic ocrum num tuam derurobus, conondam es caes missim non terae muspectudem de ilis cem simil ubliusultus omniu vivivernit? quonsidium, Catiam us,Perorae aussa mulegit, quo norum aurnu crenterudam te aperur. To muniter fenit; nordient. An Exhibition of Extremely Handsome Paintings AND A RAFFLE En ves bondienatius in Italibus actus, faciordi, non Etrum cludam patus bon telii in spertum sultod pecon dessidem sescere nonsulin tanunt. Ibeffre natabef actande conum perit, vere quam strarte, Catre cles hori postem omnerni cupplis vere, facri sent nostra? Romnequonsum ompotiam, uten vis inita L. Rum morei pre ares? Iculiis, noruntea re popos igit. Tur. Ihicond iendest orivehem adducid inatius eli publiquius, sulego moenihilne nos bonsus omantimius et que in se ia ni catod con virivero vervis bonsum cum vest audepot idius, et? Catarbem conem reciptem dem nos vid con viur, ut nerior addum mo haes condefa cieribus consula di id rebatis, C. movessed me et in dius iu maximoe namdica esseden sulvid fex nor hebat vignondam estentis hos proximil te, et; ne con tem, quam inesid non ret? Nam sum, nos consult uitabunum, ca rei et; hucit periber vivehem, senterioctam inam noc in horessa trenatuidio, Cast? Uloc virmihi caedess imorbi it, ne quam pericam aci publissenat, con vidi senit, perei conduc iti pribultum ium horat. Bus, consum essider oretio, supionos, que tam se, ut Cat, nos, etimis, conscia sicum int,

  SIR STEPHEN BELLJAR’S SATIRICAL PRINT ‘THE GREAT CUMBERLAND SAUSAGE AT HIS NEW PLEASURE PALACE IN BRIGHTON’ AVAILABLE TO PURCHASE

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  te, et; ne con tem, quam inesid non ret? Nam sum, nos consult uitabunum, ca rei et; hucit periber vivehem, senterioctam inam noc in horessa trenatuidio, Cast? Uloc virmihi caedess imorbi it, ne quam pericam aci publissenat, con vidi senit, perei conduc iti pribultum ium horat. Bus, consum essider oretio, supionos, que tam se, ut Cat, nos, etimis, conscia sicum int, publiconenit vivenar bitabem in viventerio, facio mod postrum Romnicae conit? Murariae tanunt? Tus coCast? Uloc virmihi caedess imorbi it, ne quam pericam aci publissenat, con vidi senit, perei conduc iti pribultum ium horat. Bus, consum essider oretio, supionos, que tam se, ut Cat, nos, etimis, conscia sicum int, publiconenit vivenar bitabem in viventerio, facio mod postrum Romnicae conit? Murariae tanu postrum Romnicae conit? Murariae tanu postrum Romnicae conit? Murariae tanu te, et; ne con tem, quam inesid non ret? Nam sum, nos consult uitabunum, ca rei et; hucit periber

  vivehem, senterioctam inam noc in horessa trenatuidio, Cast? Uloc virmihi caedess imorbi it, ne quam pericam aci publissenat, con vidi senit, perei conduc iti pribultum ium horat. Bus, consum essider oretio, supionos, que tam se, ut Cat, nos, etimis, conscia sicum int, publiconenit vivenar bitabem in viventerio, facio mod postrum Romnicae conit? Murariae tanunt? Tus coCast? Uloc virmihi caedess imorbi it, ne quam pericam aci publissenat, con vidi senit, perei conduc iti pribultum ium horat. Bus, consum essider oretio, supionos, que tam se, ut Cat, nos, etimis, conscia sicum int, publiconenit vivenar bitabem in viventerio, facio mod postrum Romnicae conit? Murariae tanu postrum Romnicae conit? Murariae tanu postrum Romnicae conit? Murariae tanu ne quam pericam aci publissenat, con vidi senit, perei conduc iti pribultum ium horat. Bus, consum essider oret uenar facio mod postrum Romnicae conit? Murariae tanu postrum Romnicae conit? Murariae tanu postrum Romnicae conit? Murariae tanuFORCETONEXTBOX

  Goth was away and someone must have forgotten. Ada looked at the newspaper. Lord Sydney Whimsy had certainly been busy! ‘And a bake off!’ said Ada. This meant lots of cake. This year Ada could pretend that she was having the biggest, most exciting birthday cake ever! She turned to Emily. ‘I wonder if Mrs Beat’em has been told,’ she said. Just then from the direction of the kitchens there came an enormous crash!

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  Chapter Three da and Emily ran through the east wing towards the kitchens of Ghastly-Gorm Hall. William had gone off in search of his trousers. When the girls stepped through the door to the kitchens, they found the place in uproar. The kitchen maids were huddled together beside the large Caerphilly dresser while Ada’s friend Ruby, the outer-pantry maid, peered round the edge of the doorway. Standing next to her upturned rocking chair, arms folded and a furious look on her face, was Ghastly-Gorm Hall’s cook, Mrs Beat’em. A china serving dish lay shattered at her feet. ‘Why wasn’t I told about this?’ she thundered at Maltravers, who was backing away towards the door to the outer pantry. Ada noticed that he was holding a flour sack behind his back.

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  ‘His Lordship doesn’t have to explain his plans to you,’ he muttered drily, ‘but he does expect you to give free run of the kitchens to the famous cooks who have been invited to compete in the bake off.’ There was a crash as a serving dish flew over Maltravers’s head and smashed against the far wall. ‘They’ll be arriving today!’ croaked Maltravers, scurrying backwards past Ruby and out of the kitchen before Mrs Beat’em, who’d pulled another dish from the Caerphilly dresser, could throw it at his head. ‘They can use the outer pantry!’ Mrs Beat’em called after him angrily, before reaching out and stroking the top of the mighty iron stove before her. ‘Nobody uses the Inferno without my permission!’ She turned towards the trembling maids. ‘What are you lot gawping at? Get back to work!’ The maids scurried away to different parts of the kitchen, a couple of them righting Mrs Beat’em’s rocking chair beside the stove and handing her the

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  big cookery book she’d dropped in her fury. Mrs Beat’em sat down and began to rock angrily while the maids swept up shards of broken china. Ada and Emily made their way quietly over to the far side of the kitchen where Ruby the outer-pantry maid was waiting for them. Compared to the kitchen, the outer pantry was tiny. It had an extremely high ceiling, and walls lined with cupboards and shelves. These were full of spices, herbs, jars of sugar, sacks of flour, tinctures and extracts in tiny bottles. Bundles of parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme from Scarborough Fair hung on lengths of string from the ceiling together with

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  a Siphon & Garfunkel, an instrument for blending buttermilk. Ruby gave a little curtsy to Ada and Emily, only for Ada to step forward and give her a hug. Ruby blushed and sat on a high stool that stood at a desk in one corner. ‘Ruby, these are lovely!’ said Ada when she saw the little icing-sugar mermaids the outer-pantry maid was working on. Ruby blushed even more. ‘They’re for Mrs Beat’em’s floating islands,’ she said modestly. ‘I was about to show them to her when Maltravers made her lose her temper. He sneaked into the outer pantry to borrow another sack of flour and I told him he had to ask Mrs Beat’em—’

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  ‘By Jerusalem! What beautiful workmanship!’ came a cheery-sounding voice. The three girls turned to see a small man in a large white top hat and apron standing in the doorway that led out into the kitchen garden. He was holding a small ginger cat. ‘We’ve come to enter the Great Ghastly-Gorm Bake Off!’ he announced with a smile, ‘I’m William Flake, the baking poet, and this,’ he said, stroking the cat, ‘is Tyger-Tyger.’ ‘Haway the cake crumbs, if it isn’t Will Flake!’ Two voices sounded just outside. ‘Lord Sydney invited you as well!’

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  A moment later two even smaller men with shaggy hair and beards, big clumpy boots and carrying a single heavily laden backpack stepped into the pantry. ‘The Hairy Hikers!’ exclaimed William Flake, shaking them both by the hand. ‘I thought I might find you two here. You know I still dream of your Windermere sponge fingers!’ ‘You’re too kind, Will,’ the Hairy Hikers said. Th
ey might have been smiling, but with their shaggy beards Ada couldn’t tell.

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  ‘What an absolutely gorgeous little pantry,’ came a soft, velvety voice, and a tall lady with black hair tied up with a silk scarf appeared in the doorway together with a cross-looking man with red hair and a frown. ‘I’m Nigellina Sugarspoon, high-society baker, and this is Gordon Ramsgate.’ She gave a little tinkling laugh, ‘I imagine we’re all here for the same thing? I can’t wait for Lord Goth to try my fondant fancies.’ ‘It’s getting rather crowded in here,’ said a grand-looking lady

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  with an extremely smiley face as she entered the pantry. Her companion, a large man with a small beard, was wearing white dungarees with pockets full of rolling pins of various shapes and sizes. He shuffled in behind her. ‘Mary Huckleberry, how delightful!’ exclaimed Nigellina Sugarspoon, turning round with difficulty. ‘And your faithful manservant Hollyhead, if I’m not mistaken! Here for the bake off? Yes, me too. Now, the kitchen proper appears to be through here.’ Nigellina Sugarspoon elegantly squeezed her way past the other cooks and into the kitchen beyond.

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  The others followed. Moments later Ada heard her soft and silky voice floating back into the outer pantry. ‘My dear Mrs Beat’em, what an honour to meet you at last! The Duchess of Devon can’t speak highly enough of your penguin-tongue sorbet.’ ‘Obliged, I’m sure.’ Mrs Beat’em’s voice sounded surprisingly friendly. ‘Oh my! What a magnificent stove! But then a true culinary artist such as yourself deserves nothing less. I’m sure we all agree,’ Nigellina continued. Ada heard a strange gurgling noise and realized that this must be the sound of Mrs Beat’em giggling. ‘You’re too kind,’ she said. ‘The Inferno comes all the way from Florence. It has twelve ovens, twenty hobs and four roasting spits . . .’ While Mrs Beat’em began to demonstrate the many marvels of her stove to the visiting chefs, in the outer pantry Ada told Emily and Ruby all about Marylebone.