“Sir,” I said. “You are an honest man. As I do not know this gentleman, I cannot accept his money. I beg you to keep it with my thanks.”
This pleased the poor old fool no end and he repeated that he was indeed an honest man several times as we went in the door, and he was on the point of telling the undertaker the whole story but this gentleman, all wrapped in black and full of his own importance, cut him off to say the coach was pulled up and we was to proceed to the yard. But first we settled up the bill, which money I had brought with me, and I was given a copy with the price of everything down to the nails listed on it. Then we went out and it was a comfort to me to see that, though there was nothing fancy about it, the coach was a respectable one, the coffin a sound-looking box that did not look as if it would split open before it was in the ground, the bearers was not staggering from drink nor making a show with their pocket handkerchiefs of a grief they could not feel, and the horses was not run down but a quiet pair, well matched and not inclined to bolt through the streets as I have seen happen. We set out to the church—not a long walk, but I had time to think over this strange business of the man who came to look upon my marm, though I could make no sense on it. Mr. Haffinger walked alongside me, keeping his eye on the children who ran along beside us trying to see the coffin, as well as all the passersby who stopped at the sight of our procession to doff a hat or cease idle chatter, for the sight of the hearse do seem to sober the most frivolous folk. At the church the old vicar was waiting, and after he said a few prayers we was off to the churchyard, a dismal place where the graves is mostly not marked and five or six deep, but there is a poor chestnut tree in one corner and a newer section opened up this last year, Mr. Haffinger told me, with the new laws what allows for more space between, and here was where they brought Marm’s coffin. As the vicar was saying a few words, for he knew Marm enough to speak well of her, I looked over the graveyard, thinking perhaps this mysterious gentleman might show his face, but I saw no one. I felt such comfort in the poor ceremony I had got up to mark Marm’s passing that I saw why people do make so much of a funeral, and I was grateful it was a clear, bright day and felt that Marm might at last have some peace, for she had none to speak of in her life.
Before we come away I gave the vicar a black silk handkerchief and the undertaker gave me a remembrance card which was engraved with a willow at one corner, I thought a pretty picture though there was no such tree anywhere near that I could see.
Mr. Haffinger walked out to the street with me, seeming awed by the spectacle, for he did not say a word but wrung his hands, so I had no doubt he’d something on his mind and I should soon hear it. At the gate I thanked him for being a friend to my marm and said I must be off as I wanted to be back at my employment by dinner.
“Before you go, miss,” he said, “there’s something I must tell you. As you say, I am an honest man and it will be on my conscience if I do not.”
I told him he must speak freely then.
“So I must,” he said, “or I shall have no rest. The gentleman what come to see your poor ma was your father.”
My heart seemed to sink in my chest at these words. “I thought as much,” was all I said.
“He said there was bad feeling between you and that he was sorry for it. He is very bad off hisself and from the look of him will not live the winter, so he said hisself.”
“You did not tell him where I lodge?” I said.
“That I did not, miss,” he said. “He did not ask.”
“Then I beg you, Mr. Haffinger, let that be an end to it.”
“It do seem a shame, miss,” he said, “that some old quarrel should not be patched over when so much time has passed and he is now a poor, lonely old fellow at death’s door. Your poor ma had made her peace with him, why cannot you?”
“What makes you think my marm had made peace with him?” I said.
“Because he come to see her, more than once, in her illness and she did not send him away.”
This made my blood pound in my ears. Words leaped to my lips and I snapped them out at Mr. Haffinger. “If she did not send him away,” I said, “it were because she was afraid of him.”
Mr. Haffinger seemed surprised at my response. “Afraid of him?” he repeated, as if it was not to be thought on. “That poor harmless old gentleman? And sick himself too, near to death. No, miss, I do not think you ma was afeared of your father. It were a case of two near dying at the same moment.”
So, I thought, she never got free of him and even as she left this life he was there. With his last strength he hunted her down and she was too weak herself to do aught but his will, as it was always between them, only now his will was that he should be forgiven.
“Mr. Haffinger,” I said, “do you feel certain my father will not live?”
He brightened at this as he thought my heart must be softening. “That he cannot, miss. He is coughing blood and he said he was in hospital, but was turned out for they said there was naught they could do for ’im.”
I looked back at the yard where the gravediggers had come out, looking as black as the earth they deal in, and was struggling to get Marm’s coffin in the hole they’d dug for her. Was it possible, I thought, my father believed what lay between us was only bad feeling? Did he truly imagine because he was dying I would want to see his face, to patch things over, as Mr. Haffinger put it? I looked at my hands which ached with these thoughts and then looked at Mr. Haffinger’s wrinkled, wide-eyed face in his ridiculous funeral getup, near teary-eyed with the fancy he was to give a poor dying man back his lost daughter, and I set my jaw tight to keep a shout of laughter coming out. I wished I might have Master with me, who would understand better than anyone my feelings and would doubtless know what best to say. When I overcome my wish to laugh and the anger what followed on that, I said, as calm as I could, “Promise me, sir, you will not tell him where I lodge.”
His hopeful face clouded with worry, but he give me his word and so solemn like I knew he would keep it.
“Then let it rest, Mr. Haffinger,” I said, and I took his hand in mine and shook it to seal the promise, and so left him standing in the bright sunshine to puzzle on just what could turn a heart so cold as mine.
It has been many days since last I wrote. We have all of us been so run off our feet with work there has been no time, nor have I thought much of what I might want to tell, for at the end of the day I have gone up to bed weary to the bone and off to sleep as soon as I close my eyes.
Two times have I dreamed of my father and in both dreams he was not the cruel tyrant of my memory, but an old man, stooped and weak, a threat to no one, and in both he has tried to speak to me, but I have turned away. So I woke feeling a fine resolve, and I think perhaps right now he is dying somewhere, beaten and friendless, while I am safe in my bed.
I do not think my heart is hard but only that my reason has not gone soft, as seems to happen to so many at the thought of old age and illness, then death, which is what we mun each look forward to, whether we have lived well or badly. Sometimes when I am on the street and I see poor old men crouched in doorways in their rags and filth, begging for a penny, I want to look deep into their bleary eyes and ask, was there a child cried for mercy and you showed her none? Then here is a penny for her memory.
For I know what a lie old age makes of a life—indeed, it is the most fearsome part—and that my father would doubtless deny—nay, would not even remember—how cruel he used me. Now he does not want to die alone, so he makes up a daughter who could care for him and calls the rift between us “bad feeling.”
My fear of him is gone and in its place anger, which fills my head so at times I can scarce find my away about. So I keep at my writing, for two reasons: one that it eases me to write what I do not say, for no one cares enough to hear it—that I do remember and, though I do not hate him I do not forgive him; and second that if I write it now, then it cannot be denied in future. Will I ever be myself so muddled that I will soften the long horror
that was my childhood and tell myself perhaps it was not so bad? Let this book serve as my memory.
Another week has passed. Master has had a stream of visitors, coming at all hours, sometimes expected and sometimes not, so Cook says she has put out more food in five days than in the whole month previous.
The weather turns cooler every day, it seems to me, though we have had two days’ sun for a few hours in the afternoon when Cook and I took time to work in our garden, putting in all manner of bulbs which Mr. Bradshaw got from his aunt who lives in the country. I never knew before how these go in the ground before it freezes and stay there all the winter long—storing up food, Cook says, until they know somehow it is safe to come up, though some, as crocuses and snowdrops, come very early and often show their bright colours through a frost. Many of our flowers will not winter, Cook says, and so mun come out, though the herbs is mostly more hardy and may stay. We turned the back section under, adding lime, a full afternoon’s work, which I was glad to have. Indeed I cannot get enough of working and make up projects if there is nothing to hand, so Cook says I am like a squirrel hurrying about, storing up things and getting everything in order, for winter is fast upon us.
I do feel pressed, but it is not winter that is closing in upon me. True, the days is shorter and there is less light and it is cold, so it comes as no surprise that I spend my time cleaning lamps and hauling up coal—still, I feel always it is not enough. I had a fancy last night as I was trimming the drawing-room lamps that I would take every lamp in the house and light them in one room and then, if I stood among them, I might see properly.
This evening Master is out to a meeting and then a dinner having to do with his project for a Latin school for workingmen, which he has got underway with Mr. Littleton, who, he says, has to be bullied every step of the way. Master has not set foot in his laboratory for weeks, but is occupied completely in his good works, so when he is not having gentlemen in or going out to them, he is writing letters. His good spirits and energy keep us all in a like mood, so even Mr. Poole, who likes nothing better than to greet gentlemen at the door and then tell us their family tree or all their connections in the government, is in a tolerable frame of mind. We have heard nothing of Mr. Edward Hyde—Master does not speak of him, nor has the police caught up with him, so he must have escaped the country, as Mr. Bradshaw said he might, which I pray is what happened so that we will see him no more.
Many days has passed. Last night Master had a small dinner party, Mr. Utterson, Mr. Littleton and Dr. Lanyon, who went to school with Master, so Mr. Poole says, but has not visited here in some years. Master sent word to Cook to put on something “really fine,” even though the party was small, which seemed to please her as she says it is sometimes a pleasure to do things with style, so she did six courses—a soup with chopped spinach, soles in brown gravy, pigeons stewed, saddle of mutton, potatoes, salad, and soufflé. The kitchen was in as much of a ruction as if we’d had ten to dine and poor Annie groaned every time Cook took down another pot, for she has spent more time scrubbing these last weeks than sleeping, which don’t suit her, and I’ve no doubt she wishes Master would go back to his solitary ways and his late night plate of cold mutton. The rest of us was enjoying the activity, especially Mr. Poole, who had a long confab with Master over the wine and brought the bottles out one at a time, dusting them off and going over the labels with Mr. Bradshaw as if he was showing off the crown jewels. There was seven bottles, also champagne and port, which I thought should set the gentlemen up to a very late hour, so I got in a good lot of coal to the dining room, drawing room and front hall, as it is a chilly night out, though clear, and wine do thin the blood. I had the fires going before they arrived, so the rooms was comfortable and they spent more than an hour in the drawing room before they went in to dine. I had on my best black woollen skirt and gabardine blouse, what I got for my mourning, a clean apron and a new cap, my mourning bands, and I felt very smart, for the new skirt is narrower in the fashion, so it is easier to move about without a fuss. I was to go up with Mr. Poole to hand round the soup, which made me anxious, as I do not like to wait at table, for all the gentlemen see of me is my hands and they are rough-looking no matter how I might scrub them. Cook seemed to know my feelings, for as I stood smoothing my apron she said, “You look fine, Mary. The new cap suits you.” So I took up the tray and followed Mr. Poole and Mr. Bradshaw, who had the tureen, up the stairs, feeling I was going onto a stage and did not know my part.
But when we went in I was soon at my ease, for the gentlemen was talking to one another all at once, it seemed, and paid us no mind. Their conversation was on the subject of Master’s project for a Latin school, and the three gentlemen, Mr. Utterson, Mr. Littleton and Master, was at persuading Dr. Lanyon to join them in it. Dr. Lanyon seemed to me a gloomy gentleman and I did not like the way he spoke to Master, for it seemed every time Master spoke he contradicted him, while when the others spoke, he agreed. He said it was enough that he gave part of his time to the free hospital, where Mr. Utterson and Mr. Littleton could be of no use, for they was not medical men. “But you, Harry,” he said, “might remember your oath and do as much good with me as in your Latin school.” So Master said, “I will gladly give you hour for hour in your hospital, if you will join us in this school.”
I would have thought this would be an end of it, but then it seemed Dr. Lanyon had some objection to the school beyond his feeling he was not suited to it, for he only said he would think upon it. They all fell upon their soup and the subject changed, but before I could make it out, we was done serving and went down.
Then I was busy in the kitchen, helping Cook, laying out the platters and silver, stirring the pots as she directed and handing all manner of things to Mr. Poole and Mr. Bradshaw, who was up and down the stairs a dozen times. I saw two more bottles of wine go up and then the champagne with the soufflé, after which we all breathed a sigh and Cook flung herself down in the chair and said, “My poor knees must have a rest.” It was not long after this that Mr. Bradshaw called me up to help with the clearing off. The gentlemen was rising from the meal as I come in and indeed Mr. Utterson and Dr. Lanyon were nearly out the door, for Mr. Utterson knows his way to the drawing room and has said many times how he likes to sit before Master’s fire after a good meal. Master was speaking to Mr. Littleton and I heard him say, “Hastie has always taken a dim view of my enthusiasms. He thinks it is his duty,” very wry-seeming and loud enough for Dr. Lanyon to hear, though I think he did not, for I looked at his back going out and he gave no sign of it. Then when I looked back Mr. Littleton was walking out but Master had stopped and to my surprise I found he was looking at me with a very amused expression, for he’d read in my eyes what I think of Dr. Lanyon. So I ducked my head to my work, which was taking up plates. Master said to Mr. Poole, “Tell Cook she has outdone herself, Poole,” and then he went out.
After that we was all busy for more than an hour clearing up, and I helped Annie scour the pots for which she was grateful. She was yawning like a cat and no sooner was the last done then she went up to bed saying she hoped we would have no more gentlemen in ever, which made Cook scowl at her and say she was spoiled from Master’s quiet ways and should not last a fortnight in a country house, which was nothing but dinners and parties. “Nor would I,” was all Annie said and went on climbing the stairs, yawning at every step so we had to laugh at her. Mr. Poole come down then and took a seat saying everything was done for a spell, but I was to go and tend the fire, as it was very low, so I went up. I found the drawing-room door open. I looked in to see Mr. Utterson, Mr. Littleton and Dr. Lanyon had drawn their chairs into half a circle facing the fire and Master stood next to it, leaning his arm on the mantel, so he saw me at the door and said, “Come in, Mary. As you can see, we need you, for I am trying to climb into the chimney.”
So all the gentlemen looked up at me as I went in, which made me uncomfortable. I went to the grate, knelt down before it and went straight to work, which seemed to
make me invisible, for they went back to their conversation at once. It was Dr. Lanyon who was speaking, to this end, that it was not a good thing to educate the working classes for it gave them ideas above their station and could only lead to more discontent in lives already difficult to bear. “To a man who spends his every waking moment in some sweatshop where there is neither light nor air, and thereby earns scarcely enough to feed his family, it is a greater service that he may bring his ruined eyes and weakened lungs to hospital then to some ill-lit room where you would teach him to read a language he can never use and to entertain notions that can only make him more keenly aware of the hopelessness of his station.” Indeed, he went on, it was a wonder to him that Master could find any students foolhardy enough to attend such a school, and that he could only proved the incurable foolishness and obstinacy of the class.
Master said surely the spirit could starve as well as the body, and Mr. Littleton put in that there was a great demand for the school and that he found the men to be eager for knowledge. Mr. Utterson said his students copied his manners as well as his lessons and he could not see that it could harm a workingman to know how to comport himself among gentlemen.
While all this was being said, I had finished my work and the fire was blazing up so high it seemed my face would catch, but I could not move without interrupting the stream of talk, which seemed, as Mr. Utterson concluded, to pause for a moment while Dr. Lanyon drew his breath to reply.
“To what end, Gabriel?” he said, in such an angry voice we all seemed to draw away from his harsh tone. “To what end this sham of gentility? So that a rogue may call a gentleman by his Christian name before he throttles him to death with another gentleman’s walking stick?”
Mary Reilly Page 16
