“I’m going to die, aren’t I?” she whispered. “If this doesn’t work, if I don’t go to Switzerland...I’m going to die.”
Before I could answer, Sean stepped forward. “That’s fuckin’ irrelevant,” he said heavily. “Because this is going to work.” And he said it in that voice. The same one he used when he told a trespassing dealer they were leaving town, now, or the owner of a poker den that the game was over. It sounded like slabs of stone the size of houses, so fucking sure that even I was convinced.
Kayley nodded, tears in her eyes. Then she suddenly ran to me and threw her arms around me, pressing her face to my chest. I hugged her tight, nodding silent thanks to Sean over the top of her head.
“You’re still an asshat,” Kayley said at last, her voice muffled. “You really thought I’d never find out?”
“How did you find out?” I asked.
She pushed back from me a little. “I snuck a look at your phone while you were asleep and found this place pinned on Google Maps. So I got a cab over here while you were at work. At first, I thought he must live here—the guy you were dating. Then I snuck in a window and saw this.” She waved at the plants, then walked closer to look at one. “Good plan, telling Stacey you’re dating. You totally have her fooled.” She chose that moment to glance up and see Sean and my guilty faces. “Oh. Oh shit!” She clapped her hand to her mouth. “You two are—”
My face flashed red. I’d been so concerned with her finding out about the grow house, I hadn’t thought about that side of it. I exchanged looks with Sean, but there was zero chance of hiding it. And there’d been enough lying already. “Yes,” I said at last.
“Fuck!” Kayley breathed.
I tried to claw back some shreds of parental authority. “Okay, under the circumstances I’m giving you a free pass up until now. But if one more curse comes out of those lips, I’m suspending your Kindle account.”
Kayley gave me a look...but she also looked strangely relieved that things were back to normal. Well, sort of normal.
“So you’ll be here all the time?” she asked, looking around.
“Most of the day, yes, when I’m not at the garden store. I’ll be back at the apartment every night. No more emergencies...I hope.”
“But I’ll barely see you,” Kayley said. “Can’t we all just move in here? There’s plenty of space.”
“WHAT?”
“I could help with the plants.”
“NO!” My chest had clamped tight with fear. “Kayley, you are never to come here again, understand? Ever.”
“Okay, okay, whatever.” She looked around ruefully. “But this place is awesome!”
“We need to get you home,” I said. “Right now. Come on, I’ll drive you.”
She sighed but trailed along behind me. The fact she knew—about the growing and about Sean—had my stomach in knots. But, oddly, I felt lighter. It was only now I’d stopped lying that I realized how much it had been tearing me up inside.
We were almost out of the room when Kayley suddenly broke away from me and ran back to Sean. He’d started to turn away and swung back towards her running footsteps just to get a small warm wrecking ball in the chest. He oofed and staggered back a step, then looked up at me in wonder as he realized she was hugging him.
“Thank you,” said Kayley. “I know she wouldn’t have pulled this off on her own.”
Sean looked down at her awkwardly, as if he’d never had a kid hug him before. Then it hit me that, in all probability, he hadn’t. “That’s okay,” he said at last.
Kayley finally pushed back and looked up at him. “Don’t you dare break her heart,” she said hotly.
Sean nodded solemnly, then glanced at me. “I won’t.”
Louise
With the secret out and the tension between Sean and I gone, I thought things would get easier. But as we hit the flowering stage, things went from stressy to insane. This period was critical: every tiny adjustment in light, water, air and fertilizer now made a huge difference. This was when the plants would shoot up and turn potent...if we got it exactly right. It was like sitting a college degree course that has a single final exam right at the end worth 100% of the credits: you could work your ass off the whole time but then blow it all at the end.
I’d get up early, get Kayley up and dressed and set her some schoolwork, make breakfast, rush off to my job, work a shift, drive to the mansion and then work straight through until the evening, rush back to the apartment and cook dinner, then spend a few hours trying to figure out which bill to pay to avoid anything being cut off. Kayley offered to help: “I’m four-freaking-teen,” she told me. “I can cook my own dinner.” But every day, she was getting weaker. No way was I leaving her to fend for herself, not now.
Dr. Huxler was starting to get worried. When I brought Kayley in for her next blood test, he took me aside. “I don’t need to see the test results,” he told me. “She needs to be in Switzerland now.”
“You said six months,” I said.
“Leukemia doesn’t stick to a calendar. I held it off for as long as I could—any more chemo would have killed her. Now it’s free to progress and it’s going faster than I’d hoped.” He shook his head. “From this point on, every day counts.”
Just another week, I thought. That’s all I need. But every day, Kayley got paler and weaker. I couldn’t leave her...but I couldn’t leave the plants, either. I felt like I was tearing myself in half: if I left Kayley on her own, I was the worst mom and sister ever. If I left the plants on their own, I was going to blow it all and Kayley would die. Something had to give, but I couldn’t take any more time off work: I’d used up every bit of vacation time and every personal day I had.
“Quit,” Sean told me one morning.
“What? We need that money!” Sean had been contributing some cash from the jobs he still took from Malone and the other dealers, but it wasn’t nearly enough.
He put his hands on my shoulders. “The plants need you. Kayley needs you. This’ll give you more time for both. And the money won’t make a difference—not now. If for some reason we can’t sell the crop, we’re fucked anyway.”
I slowly nodded. Going all-in made my stomach twist and tighten into a cold, iron knot...but it also made me realize that really I’d been all-in from the start, ever since that first conversation in Dr. Huxler’s office. If we pulled this off, I’d just have to find a new job and a way to pay off my debts. If we didn’t, if Kayley died...I honestly wouldn’t care about any of it, anymore.
So I quit my job and started running the grow house like the laboratory I’d always wanted to work in. For the final week, everything was timed down to the minute. I taped up the doorways with plastic sheeting so that I could control airflow, precisely timed the lighting cycles, brought in exotic mixes of plant nutrients to give them that final boost....I could see it working but I was utterly exhausted. On the fifth day, I fell asleep face-down on a table and didn’t even wake when my phone’s alarm went off. Sean, who’d been fixing a leak in the plumbing, had to gently shake me awake.
“Shit,” I said, looking at the time. “Shit, shit, shit!” I scrambled up out of my seat, tripped over the leg of the stool and went sprawling. I got to my feet, waving away Sean’s hand, and lumbered towards the door, drunk with fatigue. “I said I’d take Kayley to see a movie. I need to be picking her up now.”
Sean stepped in front of me and put a big, solid hand on my chest. “Stop,” he commanded. “When did you last sleep?”
I shrugged and harumphed and pushed soil-flecked hair out of my face. “I have to go.”
“You have to go upstairs and sleep,” he told me.
“But—”
“I’ll take Kayley to see the movie.” He pushed me towards the stairs. “No arguments. Go.”
Before I could stop him, he’d left. And after a few more seconds of staring after him in disbelief, I reluctantly crawled up the stairs and collapsed on the bed. I slept for fourteen hours and woke to a text from K
ayley saying how much she liked Sean and “could they do it again, please?”
My heart swelled. I rolled over and saw Sean stretched out on the bed next to me—he’d crept into bed without waking me, one arm wrapped protectively around me. Kayley liked him and I needed him on a level I’d never known before. It was so, so tempting to imagine some future where we could all be together. But every day, he disappeared for a few hours to work another job for a dealer, smashing up someone’s car or house or business, scaring them into submission. I knew now where all the anger came from. I knew that he didn’t want to be doing that work. But that didn’t change the fear I felt every single time he put his hammer in the trunk of his car and drove off. What if he doesn’t come back? Or what if more of his enemies came looking for revenge, as the Serbians had done? There was no way I could put Kayley at risk by having Sean in our lives, however much I wanted him.
Gradually, my efforts paid off. The plants shot up and the buds grew sticky, creamy and huge. When the time came to harvest, I finally dared to admit that maybe this was going to work. Me being me, I’d been cautious about my estimates all along: I’d planted enough that we could lose at least ten percent, but we’d lost almost none. And judging by the look of the buds, this really was premium stuff.
Sean helped me dry it and cure it, sealing it into carefully-weighed plastic bags. It really was a bumper crop: more like $550,000 worth, although I knew we’d be lucky to get that much out of Malone. For a second, I actually felt aggrieved. Who was he, to set the price? Maybe we could negotiate, threaten to go elsewhere….
What the hell am I doing? I caught myself just in time. When did I start thinking like a criminal, trying to squeeze every last cent out of the crop? This is not what I do! This is just a one-time thing. Getting greedy was tempting fate. All we needed was the $500,000 to pay for Kayley’s treatment and not a cent more. I felt like I was stepping back from a deep, dark chasm and it took another hour focusing on the mindless task of bagging before I felt fully normal again.
When we bagged the last bag, the crop filled an entire large tabletop: we’d stacked the bags like bricks, making a solid mass of weed three feet high.
Sean whistled and ran his hand down the stack. “We’re going to need to rent a van to move it. It’s too much to fit in your car.”
I slipped my arm around his waist. “I can’t believe we’ve done it. We’ve done it, right? I mean, this is it.”
He squeezed me and nodded. “This is it. And we didn’t do it. You did. This is all you and your green fingers.”
I shook my head and put my arms around his neck, grinning. “No. No way, I’m not letting you even start down that road. I couldn’t have done it without you.” I winced when I thought how many ways I would have messed it up without him: I wouldn’t have known about hiding the smell of the plants, I would have fallen prey to some loan shark like Murray, I wouldn’t have had any idea how to set up a meeting with someone like Malone. God, I’d been about to grow in my own apartment!
Sean shrugged and grunted, but he was smiling. “We should celebrate,” he said. “How about—”
My phone rang and he went quiet while I answered. I was still grinning so hard that it took several seconds for what I was hearing to sink in. Then I grabbed Sean’s hand and ran for my car.
Kayley had been rushed to the hospital...and she was critical.
Louise
We crashed through the doors of the hospital and sprinted up to the desk. “Kayley Willowby,” I panted to the woman. “Kayley Willowby—where is she?”
“One second.” She started tapping at her computer.
“I should have been here,” I sobbed to Sean. I’d been too frantic on the drive over to cry, but now the tears were starting to burn my eyes. “I should have been at the apartment with her but I was off—”
Sean grabbed me and pulled me in tight to his chest, stroking my hair. I could feel the tension in his body, too, every muscle knotted under the thin cotton of his tank top.
“Date of birth?” asked the woman behind the desk.
I told it to her between sobs. Come on. COME ON!
The woman frowned. “No Kayley Willowby has been admitted.”
I clutched at the edge of the desk, close to meltdown. “Are you sure? Are you checking the ER?”
“Louise,” said Sean behind me.
My stomach lurched. “Jesus, is she—Have you checked the—” I swallowed. “Would it show up if she was already—”
“Louise!” said Sean, and this time he gripped my upper arm so hard it hurt. I turned around. “Call her,” he said.
I looked at him as if he was crazy. “She won’t be able to answer!” I snapped. “She’s critical!”
“Call her.”
I pulled out my phone and viciously stabbed at the screen, not understanding why I was doing it. One ring. Two rings.
“Yo,” said Kayley’s voice.
The phone almost slipped from my fingers. “Are you—are you okay?” I spun slowly, looking at the hospital around me. “Where are you?”
“I’m fine,” she said, bemused. “I’m at the apartment.”
I looked up into Sean’s horrified face. I’m guessing I was doing the exact same expression.
We ran for the car and raced back across town, tires screeching and engine howling. We made it back to the mansion less than an hour after we’d left it.
But it was too late.
The table was empty. The entire crop was gone.
Sean
“No,” said Louise. The horror of it hadn’t sunk in, yet. She was still just staring at the empty table in disbelief.
Me? I was cursing myself. How had I not realized the phone call was fake? I should have got her to call the hospital to confirm or at least stayed at the house to protect the crop. I’d left it exactly when it was most vulnerable: we’d done everything except fucking gift wrap it for them.
“No,” said Louise again. The mounting fear in her voice resonated right through me, making my heart ache.
I never would have made that mistake, six months ago. I would have seen it for the obvious ploy it was. Hell, if I’d been asked to steal someone’s crop, it’s exactly the sort of thing I would have done myself.
I’d gotten soft.
I’d gotten involved.
“No!” Louise’s voice had risen to a wail. “No!” She was gripping the edge of the table, staring at the empty surface as if she could wish the crop back into existence if she only wanted it hard enough.
“It’s Malone,” I told her. “I called him this morning, while we were bagging, to tell him we were ready to make the deal.” My voice grew tight. “He must have figured, why pay when he can just take it?”
“But how? How did he even know where we were growing?”
I shrugged. “My guess is, he tracked you down and found out where you lived, then had someone follow you here one day.”
She didn’t reply. She just staggered away from the table, tears in her eyes. I gave her space for a moment—she was too fragile to even touch, right now, a bomb ready to explode.
“It’s not just money,” she said in a choked voice. “Doesn’t he understand that? It’s not just money that he can steal, it—it’s life. It’s Kayley’s life!”
I nodded. The weight of it all was crushing me down, a black granite rock a thousand miles high. “I know,” I said. And now I did reach for her, but she backed away, shaking her head.
“All that time,” she croaked. “This whole six months, we could have been—Jesus, I’ve barely seen her! I’ve barely seen my sister!”
“I know,” I said slowly. I held out my arms. “Come here.” I could see she was close to cracking and I needed to get her into my arms before—
“I got it wrong,” she whispered. “I got it all wrong.”
She ran and I grabbed for her just too late. By the time I caught up with her, she was already roaring off in her car.
Louise
It had started to
rain—one of those chill, torrential downpours that makes your windshield run as if someone’s pouring from a bucket on the roof. But my tears were doing just as much to blur things, big wracking sobs jolting their way up from my guts to escape as scalding streams.
I wanted to go back. Right back to Dr. Huxler’s office, when he’d said this would be a very difficult conversation. I wanted to go back and I wanted to be a fucking adult this time. I wanted to grow up and make the hard choice, accept Kayley’s death and be with her instead of going on some stupid crusade to try to save her. We could have been together all day, every day. I could have gotten a loan from Murray and used it to take her on vacation instead of wasting it on fucking fertilizer and grow lights. She could have lived these last six months, instead of just surviving.
But I’d been too fucking selfish. I’d wanted a whole lifetime with her and so I’d squandered her last six months.
I pulled up outside our apartment building and ran all the way up to our floor, too desperate to wait for the elevator. I crashed in through the door and headed straight for Kayley who was—
Oh Jesus. She was sitting there doing the schoolwork I set her. All that work. I’d made her life a misery because I was so determined that she’d get well and go back to school. I grabbed her and hauled her out of her chair, hugging her to me. Then the tears really started, floods of them, my shaking body jolting hers along with me.
At first, she just grabbed uncertainly at my upper arms, trying to comfort me. Then her muffled voice piped up, “Is it Sean? Did the two of you have a fight?”
My heart tore in two. Everything that was going on and she was worried about me. It killed me to shake my head, but I slowly did it.
Her hands gripped me harder. Then harder still. I felt the realization go through her in a cold wave. She didn’t want to say it, didn’t want to ask the question. Her tears started, mingling with mine, and we hugged each other tighter and tighter until, finally, she pushed back from me and stared up with red eyes. “We’re not going to Switzerland, are we?” she asked.
Growing and Kissing Page 22
