by DL Roan
Grey shook his head, cursing his own stupidity. “I…I didn’t use a condom.”
He hadn’t even had the class to take off his boots before he fucked her senseless. And he forgot to wear a damn condom! How could he, of all people, forget something so vitally important? He wouldn’t survive having another child; losing his heart all over again. It would kill him. He was such a stupid, sorry ass!
He buttoned up his jeans and paced to the other end of the aisle. God, he hadn’t used a condom. He couldn’t be much more of an idiot if he’d tried, but damn if he could make sense of her running out like that.
“Surely she knows we’d take care of her if something happens.”
“If something happens?” Matt stalked up to stand next to Mason. “You mean if she gets pregnant?” He pushed Grey back a step. “Right, Grey? Because God forbid we go through that again.”
“Damn right I don’t want to go through that again, but I’d never abandon her because of something I did! I need to go to her!” Grey pushed past Matt but Mason stepped in front of him, blocking his exit. “What the fuck is your problem?” Grey asked.
Mason stared at him, shaking his head in disbelief. “If she saw the same look on your face that we just did, I’d say you are the last person she wants to see right now.”
Grey’s head snapped back. “What look?”
Mason stepped around him and Grey followed his movements. He didn’t have time for this shit. He needed to get to Claira and find out what he’d done wrong.
“Did you really regret fucking her, Grey?” Matt asked and crossed his arms over his chest.
“What?” If his little brother didn’t shut the hell up, and quick, he was going to regret being born. Why the hell would he ask such a question?
“That’s what it looked like to me,” Matt said.
“You don’t know what you’re talking about.” Grey turned to go after Claira but stopped when he heard Mason mumble something behind him. He turned back and stalked up to Mason. “What did you say?”
“You used her.” Mason didn’t mumble this time. He stared right into his brothers guilty eyes. “You sorry sonofabitch. You used her. Now you feel guilty and you think you can say you’re sorry and everything will just go back to the way it was? As if you didn’t just fuck her, and us, over the coals?”
They had it all wrong! “It wasn’t like that! I said I was sorry for not using a condom! Not that I was sorry I fucked her! And I didn’t just fuck her, okay! Quit saying it like that! Goddammit, I’m in love with her!”
“That’s bullshit!” Matt snapped and pointed to the nest of hay on the floor. “If you loved her she would be wrapped in your arms on that blanket right now and not in her room crying her eyes out! Why are you so damn determined to fuck this up, Grey? Why?”
When Grey didn’t move or even attempt to deny it, Mason made one final push. “Why do you hate yourself so much that you can’t allow her in?”
Everything inside Grey felt like it was breaking all over again, like it did when they lost Sarah. Only this time it was a hundred times worse. His chest ached, his skin felt like it was too small for his body, his eyes burned with tears he had no way of fighting. If only they knew what a bastard he really was; the bastard that had killed their wife and nearly killed their unborn sons!
“Answer me, goddammit!” Mason demanded. “We can’t go on as a family like this any longer!”
“I killed Sarah!” The second the words were spoken Grey’s blood turned to ice. It was over. All of it. He couldn’t carry the weight of his lies another second.
A single tear flowed from the corner of his left eye, down his cheek. His jaw clenched tighter than his fists at his side. “I killed her. Is that good enough for you? ”
Claira gasped, his admission hitting her with the force of a freight train. An invisible hand clamped around her heart and squeezed. Three sets of eyes turned to see her standing in the doorway. She’d heard them arguing as she walked to her car, bag in hand, and couldn’t stand the thought of them fighting over her. She looked into Grey’s tortured eyes and gasped at the pain she saw there. “What do you mean, you killed her?”
Grey shook his head and another tear escaped, followed by more. Disgusted with his weakness, he turned his back to hide his ugly guilt. He should have never said a word, but something had broken loose inside him, while he was inside of her, and he could no longer hold any of it back, not even his fucking tears.
“You know, I prayed to die. I prayed for God to take me instead of her.” Grey paced to the other side of the aisle, his hands fisted in his hair. “No matter what happened, she didn’t deserve to die. She deserved so much better than a bastard like me.”
“Grey, you’re talking nonsense.” Matt tried to step in front of him, but Grey turned and paced in the other direction.
Claira stood frozen in the doorway, her heart skipping every other beat, her breaths catching in her throat as she watched Grey fall apart right in front of her.
“She knew she had a heart condition,” Grey said, his feet rooted in place a meager three feet away from her. He might as well have been a million miles away as he re-lived the worst day of his life.
“That morning, I was standing in the kitchen watching our beautiful, pregnant wife butter toast, thinking how incredible it was that she carried our sons in her swollen belly. She’d been distant since her latest check-up and I was afraid something was wrong with her or the babies, but she kept telling us everything was fine.
“I pressed her again that morning to tell me what was wrong and she broke down in tears. That’s when she told me. She was scared because the doctor had warned her not to get pregnant. She’d ignored his advice and pushed us to start a family, never once telling us about the risks.”
“Son of a bitch,” Mason growled under his breath.
Grey’s fist came back and plowed into one of the stall doors across from them. He slid to his knees holding his bleeding hand to his chest, his shoulders shaking with his silent sobs.
Claira ran to his side and tried to wrap herself around him. “Grey, please let me,” she begged when he flinched and pulled away from her. “It wasn’t your fault. She knew the risks she took. It was a bad choice to get pregnant, and a huge mistake not to tell you, but it was her mistake, Grey, not yours.”
Grey’s head shook in violent denial. “No!” He pushed her away and tried to stand, but fell on his ass in the dirt. “One minute I was watching my own miracle making fucking breakfast, and then I watched it all slip away.
“I was so pissed at her. I’d never felt more betrayed. She’d lied to me, to all of us. I said some of the worst things I’ve ever said to anyone.” He felt his heart stop when the memory of his hurtful words came back to him. Why didn’t you just kill yourself and save us all the worry?
“How could she put herself at risk like that?” Matt leaned against the barn wall and slid to the floor next to Grey. “I would have—we all would have been okay with adopting, or even no children!”
“It wasn’t your fault, Grey. It was her decision to hide the truth from us. Maybe not your words, but your anger was justified.” Mason crouched down in front of Grey, feeling every bit as if he was going to pass out. He took in a deep breath and blew it out slowly, not believing what he was hearing. “Hell, I’m in total shock right now, but I’m sure I’m going to be pissed when that passes.”
Grey shook his head again. “You don’t understand.” His eyes were no longer filled with tears, but the wet tracks on his cheeks glistened in the harsh glow of the bare overhead lights. “She became so upset during our argument she went into labor, a month early. Her water broke right there in our kitchen. If I hadn’t said those awful things, made her so upset, she wouldn’t have gone into labor so soon.”
“Oh, Grey.” Claira’s heart ached for him. She reached over and traced her fingers over his broken and aching heart, inching her way closer to him like she would an injured animal. She wished she could take the pain a
nd guilt away from him. She knew how it felt to think you were responsible for someone’s death; someone you loved more than your own life.
“Grey, you can’t…”
“We could have made arrangements for a C-section, anything that would have been less stressful on her,” Grey insisted. He ran his fingers through his hair and pulled in frustration. “Her heart exploded after Car was born and Con nearly suffocated before they ripped him from her lifeless body. I can’t go through that again, Claira. I can’t lose you like that.”
“You won’t lose me.” She threw herself into his arms. Ignoring the dirt floor and the fine sheen of sweat that coated his strong body, she wrapped herself around him. She didn’t know what this meant for her or what had just happened between them, but she couldn’t stand to see him torturing himself another second.
“You can’t keep blaming yourself, Grey. I could never hold you responsible for something like that. I’m sure Matt and Mason don’t blame you.”
Another wave of guilt rolled through Grey as he thought of the pain he’d caused his brothers. He would die a thousand deaths to keep them from having to live through the loss he’d caused them.
Matt got to his feet and stumbled across the aisle to his brothers. “She’s right, Grey. We would never have blamed you for what happened.”
“We’d have been pissed as hell, too,” Mason said, his bright blue eyes shining with his own unshed tears. He wanted to go to Sarah’s grave and kick her damn headstone he was so pissed at her for doing this to their family. He couldn’t imagine the weight of the guilt Grey had been carrying around all these years. No wonder he’s been such a fucking mess.
“I should have never said the things I said to her. I’m so sorry.” Grey rocked his forehead against Claira’s shoulder as he tried to control his breathing. He’d never been such a big pussy and shed so many tears in all his life. He didn’t care anymore. His head was pounding and nose was running, but the ache that had lived in his chest for the past six years had subsided more than he’d ever thought possible. He was mildly comforted when he felt his brother’s hands squeeze his shoulders and he looked up to see they were both choking back their own pussy tears.
He wiped the back of his arm across his burning eyes and cleared away the evidence of his weakness. “I’m just so damn sorry I didn’t tell you. I couldn’t own up to what I’d taken from you.”
Mason reached a hand out to Claira and pulled her from Grey’s lap. Matt reached down, helped his big brother to his feet then pulled him into his chest. “You didn’t take anything from anyone, Grey. She was an incredible woman, and our first love, who we will always love. She was willing to sacrifice her own life to have our children. I wish that she hadn’t of lied to us, but we can’t change that.
“The only thing you kept from us was the anger and guilt we should’ve shared with you, you stupid fool of a brother.” He pushed Grey away from him and fisted his shirt in his hands. “You were a good husband. You have to let this go. No one’s perfect, not even Sarah. You still have us, and our sons. And Claira.”
One look at Claira and Grey snatched her into his arms. “I’m so sorry. I wasn’t upset about what we did, baby. It was incredible and right and I’d never regret it for one second.” He held her away from him then stooped to look her in the eyes. “I didn’t use a condom. I know there’s no excuse but I…”
“It’s ok,” Claira shook her head. “I saw the doctor last week during my lunch break and he gave me a birth control shot. They’re good for six months, so you don’t have to worry.”
Grey saw the way she wouldn’t meet his gaze and it crushed him. How could he have been so stupid for so long. “Hey,” He tilted her chin until she looked up at him. “I meant what I said. I love you. I’ve just been too much of an ass to see it for what it was.”
Claira looked up at him. The ghosts she’d seen in his eyes were no longer there, but she couldn’t deny the presence of her own ghosts. She couldn’t tell them how much she loved them. Not yet. Not until she told them the truth about everything else.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Mason and Grey whirled around the kitchen putting the finishing touches on the picnic lunch they’d planned for Claira. Since they had no plans of ever letting her go, they’d decided it was time to get her comfortable with ranching life. Lesson number one….ride em’ cowgirl!
Judging by her reaction to his roan stallion, which he’d aptly named Magic, Mason knew without a doubt she’d never ridden a horse in her life. They aimed to change that today. A guided tour of Falcon Ridge should give her enough practice for one day, and them enough time to get to the bottom of her skittishness and uncover a few of those secrets she kept under lock and key.
Mason glanced over at his big brother as he slathered mayonnaise on a few slices of bread and noticed the ‘cat that ate the canary’ grin on his face.
“What?” Grey glanced up from his work to see Mason shaking his head at him, an ‘I told you so’ smirk on his sorry mug.
“Nothing,” Mason chuckled, pushing away from the counter to grab a few sandwich bags. “Guess you figured out a few of those things last night, huh?” He closed the cupboard door and walked back to stand by Grey, stuffing the completed sandwiches into the bags. “You know, I never understood why you couldn’t stand being in our kitchen after…” He glanced up at Grey and decided not to finish that thought. “Anyway, I’m sorry we gave you so much shit about not taking your fair share of the cooking. I’m just glad to have you back.”
Grey finished with the last piece of bread and dropped the knife into the sink beside him, standing there a moment before he turned and faced Mason. He shook his head and leaned back against the counter, crossing his arms over his chest. “I don’t have all the answers, yet.” He took a deep breath and his smile grew a little bigger. “But I need her.”
Mason reached out and pulled his brother in for a back slapping hug. “We all do, man.” He pushed Grey back and then snapped him with the damp dishtowel in his hand. “Now let’s go show our girl a thing or two about ranching, McLendon style.”
An hour and a half later Claira was mounted precariously on top of Biscuit, the gentlest gelding within a three state radius, following Mason and Grey as they ducked out of the barn and made their way toward the lowland pasture. “You’re doing fine, sweetheart. Give him a little more head and he’ll keep right up with us.”
A little more head. Fuck! Grey shifted in his saddle to ease some of the pressure on his balls. I should have grabbed another bag of those damn peas!
Waking Claira up had been one of the most erotic experiences of his life. Her sleepy smile greeted them first, followed by the plump swells of her breasts. Her coffee colored nipples beaded to a pair of perfect berries from the sudden rush of cool air that spilled over them when she’d turned over to greet them.
Grey swiped at the drool that slipped out of the corner of his lips before he leaned down and unlatched the first of two cattle gates on their planned route. The memory of how those sweet, mouthwatering berries felt against his tongue had flooded his mouth with saliva so fast it made his jaw ache.
Mason saw him staring at her and smirked. He flipped him a bird when he rode by, mumbling smartass under his breath to keep Claira from hearing him.
Claira looked back at the brothers when she heard Mason chuckle and her heart swelled in her chest. Waking up in Grey’s bed to two sets of hands caressing every inch of her bare skin was like an erotic dream that she never wanted to end. She thought she had been dreaming when she stirred to see both a green and baby blue set of mischievous eyes full of lust and something else she couldn’t quite place, staring back at her.
Their deep voices played along her nerves like a bass guitar in a smooth blues song, making every cell in her body hum with arousal. Now she understood the carnal fascination with the joys of sex. She would never forget the sights of their bodies entwined together, the sounds of their hearts racing, their breaths mingling together in pa
nts and moans, the musky, sweaty smell of their combined arousal mixed with their salty and all-male flavors budding on her tongue. Just thinking about it sent goosebumps racing over her skin, despite the mid-morning heat.
Even with the emotional upheaval that ensued afterwards, making love to Grey the night before had been better than she’d ever imagined. Making love to Grey and Mason together in Grey’s bed….phenomenal. She’d never felt more loved or cherished, except with Matt. The only thing lacking about the morning had been the absence of Matt’s flirty touch.
She was in love with them. All three of them, and it felt fantastic.
“Too bad Matt’s not here.” As if he shared her thoughts of missing his twin, Mason’s comment conjured up an image of Matt’s lazy smile and playful eyes.
“How long did you say the trip to Sarah’s parents would take?” Claira couldn’t wait until they were all together. She’d decided that it was time to tell them about her past. She dreaded it, feared it, but she couldn’t keep it a secret any longer.
Although knowing might dissuade their feelings about her, not knowing could be dangerous for them if Lucien ever found her. After the last few weeks, she felt certain, more than ever, that he would never find her, but couldn’t put their family in that kind of danger without giving them the choice.
After Grey had bared his soul, she owed him the truth. They might not look at her the same way after she told them about Stephan, but if Grey could forgive himself, she had to at least give herself the same chance.
“Eight hours round trip, sweetheart.” Mason sighed. “Give or take a couple for visiting time and pit-stops.”
“Don’t worry. He’ll be back for supper, baby bird.” Grey leaned over and gave her a quick peck on her temple, steadying her in her saddle before he slid back into his own. “You’re riding like a pro, by the way. We’ll make a ranching cowgirl out of you yet.”
“I can think of a few other things I’d rather be riding.” Heat flushed her cheeks at her bold statement and her hand shot up to cover her mouth. What had gotten into her?
