by Diana Palmer
“Okay.” Her arms lifted around his neck, and she stood on tiptoe to tempt him.
“That...is not...what I meant,” he bit off against her eager mouth. Even as he said it, his body hardened blatantly against hers.
“Are you sure?” she whispered against his lips.
He lifted her closer, grinding her breasts into his broad chest as he deepened the kiss into levels of pleasure he’d never felt in his life with anyone.
Her hands tangled in his thick, wavy black hair, enjoying the coolness of it against her fingers, loving the hard, hungry crush of his mouth.
“I might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb,” he managed as he bent suddenly and lifted her clear off the ground in his arms. Still kissing her, he walked slowly back to the car.
He put her in on the passenger side, let her go long enough to get in beside her and reached for her again.
“This is not going to end well,” he bit off against her mouth as his fingers searched for the buttons on her shirt and opened them.
“I don’t care.” She arched her back as he found the front clip of her bra and pushed it away.
His black eyes devoured her from the waist up, enjoying the creamy soft skin of her breasts and their hard pink crowns. He touched them almost reverently, teased the crowns until she gasped and lifted again.
“We all make mistakes,” he said as his head bent. “This is the worst I’ve made in a decade.”
“Pencils have erasers,” she said helpfully.
“No eraser is going to help this,” he said. His mouth opened and took one soft, silky breast right inside it. His tongue worked against it. The quick, high-pitched little moans she made went through him like silvery stabs of pleasure. He drew on the soft mound, a gentle suction that produced an unexpected, violent reaction.
She arched up to his lips and shuddered. Her nails bit into the back of his head. She undulated against his mouth as pleasure took her, arched her, convulsed her in a shock of fulfillment that delighted the man whose mouth had provoked it.
She collapsed against him, tears rolling down her cheeks.
He kissed them away, staggered by her capacity for passion, by the reaction she couldn’t help. All his adult life, women had wanted him for what he had, for what he could give. Niki only wanted him, and it was so obvious that it was like a knife in his heart.
He wanted her, too. But he was too old for her. He was cheating her of a proper life, with some young man who’d cherish her, love her, give her children. Children!
He groaned inwardly. His big hand went to her belly and pressed there. He thought of Niki with someone else’s baby in her arms, and the pain was like an ice pick in his heart.
He lifted his head and looked into drowned silvery eyes. She was still shivering in the aftermath of her climax, embarrassed, shocked...ashamed.
“Don’t,” he whispered, bending to kiss her tenderly. “Don’t be embarrassed by it. In all my life, I’ve never had that reaction from a woman, any woman.”
She swallowed. “Never?”
He shook his head. His eyes went to her bare breasts. The one he’d suckled had a faint red mark. He touched it tenderly, loving the way her body responded to him.
“Women want me for what I have, Niki,” he said with faint bitterness. “Only for what I have, what I can give them.”
Her soft hand touched his hard cheek, tracing down it to his faintly swollen, sexy wide mouth. “Not me.”
“No,” he whispered. “Not you.”
He bent and kissed her tenderly.
Her fingers went to the buttons on his shirt.
“No,” he protested.
But he wasn’t protesting very hard. She opened his shirt and drew the edges aside. “I loved looking at you like this, when you were so sick.”
He drew in an unsteady breath. “Did you?”
“Yes. But you were married,” she recalled. She bent her head to his chest and kissed him there, pressing her mouth against thick hair and hard, warm muscle.
He caught her head. Hesitated. But the temptation was just too much. He drew her mouth to a hard male nipple and pressed it there.
“Like...you did to me?” she whispered.
“Yes,” he bit off.
She opened her mouth and suckled him. He arched, shuddering, aching for her, loving the touch of her soft mouth on him, loved knowing that she was enjoying him as much as he was enjoying her.
Only this, he promised himself, just this one, last time, before he had to walk away for her own good and give her up to a more suitable man. Just...this...once!
He drew her up, across the console between the seats in his car, so that she sat on his lap, her young breasts pressed to his broad chest, and he bent to her mouth.
But he hesitated. His eyes met hers. “Never again, Niki,” he said at her lips. “Do you understand?”
“No.”
His mouth teased hers. “We’re both curious. But this is as far as it goes. When I drive you home, I’m leaving, and I’m not coming back until this heat between us subsides.”
“You want me,” she whispered against his hard, warm mouth.
“Yes. I want you. But I never want to marry again. You’re a marrying woman, Niki,” he ground out. “You need a young man who can cherish you, give you children.”
She hung at his lips. “Don’t you want children, Blair?” she whispered.
He groaned. His mouth ground into hers. He drew her closer, dragging her soft breasts against him, drowning in pleasure. Yes, he wanted children. He wanted to give her a baby and watch her grow big with it. He wanted nothing more in life.
But those sixteen years were a burden she couldn’t understand now. As he grew older and she stayed young, she wouldn’t, couldn’t, want him forever. He would die years before she would, or perhaps grow sick and have to be taken care of. She’d want a younger man then, perhaps, and he wouldn’t be able to let go.
So it was painful now to walk away. But it would be more painful down the road, especially if he took her completely. He’d never get the memory out of his mind, his heart; he’d never be able to go on.
She was on fire for him. She moaned helplessly under the heavy, hard crush of his mouth, loving the feel of his skin against hers, his arms holding her, cradling her, cherishing her.
“Blair,” she moaned huskily. “Couldn’t we...?”
He lifted his head and looked into drowned gray eyes in a flushed face. Her mouth was swollen from the force of his kisses. Her nipples were dark pink, hard with the same desire that had him in its grip.
“No,” he said after a minute. “We can’t. You know that. You know why.” He drew back from her, taking one long, last look at her bare breasts before he refastened her bra and her blouse. He moved away from her, his hands going blindly to the buttons on his own shirt.
She moved back over to the passenger seat in the car, stared at him with helpless longing and grimaced. He was encased in ice again, as far away as a star.
He drew in a steadying breath and got himself under control before he glanced at her. “I have to leave, Niki.”
Her mouth hurt from the pressure of his. It was a sweet pain, like the faint discomfort in the breast he’d suckled so hard. “I don’t want you to,” she said honestly. “But I won’t try to make you feel guilty.”
“You’re very young, honey,” he said after a minute, and there was a world of sensual wisdom in his black eyes. “I was like you, once. On fire with curiosity and desire. But I satisfied it with a procession of worldly, experienced women. There’s no mystery left for me, Niki,” he said quietly. “I’m not curious anymore.” He smiled with faint sarcasm. “I don’t need a curious twenty-two-year-old virgin. So don’t build daydreams on what just happened. We satisfied a mutual lust. Partially, at least. Th
at’s all it was, a little raw passion to top off a long day. Tomorrow I won’t remember that it even happened. And I’ll have other women to assuage the ache, if it comes back. Janet’s still available,” he added with a cold smile. “She wants me, too.”
It was like a knife through her heart, but Niki wasn’t going to let him see how badly his words hurt. She just smiled. “Yes, she does,” she returned. “I’m sure she’s ready and willing to start over where the two of you left off. And she’s closer to your age.”
“Much closer,” he agreed.
He cranked the car and pulled out into the road. His movements were so controlled, so patient, that Niki knew he was telling the truth when he said he could take her or leave her. He wasn’t dying of an unsatisfied lust for her. And lust was all it was.
Something inside her curled up like a wounded thing. She’d hoped that what he felt had something more than desire in it, that the tenderness he showed her meant that he cared, even if only a little.
But then, he’d always been tender with her. When he saved her from the football player, he’d cuddled her in his lap until she’d stopped shaking. For the most part, he treated her like a beloved child. This new hunger was just a fluke. She tempted him and he was a man. He reacted to her passion. But that was all it was. He didn’t believe in marriage or love anymore. Certainly he didn’t believe in it with Niki.
She stared at the landscape as they drove along the road that led back to the Ashton ranch. But she didn’t really see it at all.
* * *
HE PULLED UP at the back door of the sprawling ranch house and cut the engine.
“Your father thinks you’re upset about the drug dealer,” he said after a minute. “Let him go on believing it.”
“I had that in mind already.”
He drew in an angry breath. She looked utterly defeated, dejected. He hated seeing the pain in her face and knowing that he’d caused it.
“It’s just sex, Niki,” he said coldly. “Once you’ve had it, you’ll understand how it is. A man can want a woman without feeling anything else for her.”
“Poor Janet. Does she know that?” she asked sarcastically.
His face froze. “Janet is my business. I won’t discuss her with you.”
She searched his black eyes. Her own were sad. “We were friends once.”
He smiled. It was icy cold. “We were,” he agreed. The smile faded. “Until you tried to seduce me. You won’t get a second chance at it. I don’t want you, Niki,” he said coolly. “I never will, except in one way. And you know exactly which way I mean.”
“Of course I do,” she said, trying to hide the hurt.
“You’re still living in fairy tales, happily-ever-after, romantic nonsense,” he bit off. His eyes glittered. “It’s a lie, Niki. It’s just sex with frosting. That’s all it ever is, for a man.”
Her face drained of color. “I see.”
“If you weren’t so damned naive, you’d have known it from the beginning! You have a beautiful body and I wanted it. Any man would. But that’s all it was.”
Naive. She only nodded. She was that. Stupid about men and totally clueless.
She couldn’t meet his eyes. “Goodbye, Blair.”
His face betrayed nothing. “Goodbye, Niki.”
She opened the car door and got out. She closed it gently, without looking at him. She went straight into the house without speaking to Edna or her father, up the stairs, to her room. She locked the door. Then she sat on her bed and let the tears fall, hot and silent as they rolled down her cheeks.
I will get over you, Blair Coleman, she promised herself. I will. I will!
* * *
DOWNSTAIRS, BLAIR WAS in such agony that he could hardly bear it. Edna got a look at his face as he turned it toward Niki’s disappearing figure, and she turned away before he saw her expression.
Whatever he’d told Niki to send her up the staircase in such misery, it had caused him even more. She’d never seen such a look on a man’s face except once—the day Niki’s mother died. Her father had worn almost the same expression, one of such grief and loss that she’d never gotten it out of her mind.
Blair was wrong. He thought Niki was too young. Edna smiled sadly. Someone should have told him about Niki’s mother and father. But it was too late now.
* * *
BLAIR TOLD HER father that Niki was still upset about the drug dealer. Whether or not he bought it was up for grabs.
Niki cried herself to sleep. Blair was adamant that he wanted no part of a future that included her, and his only interest in her had been physical.
She had to admit that she’d gone out of her way in Mexico to try to attract him in any way she could. In retrospect, she should never have put on that sexy bathing suit in the first place, much less tempted a man who didn’t want her except physically.
A few times she’d been almost sure that he felt something else for her, something deep and tender and lasting. But he’d disabused her of that idea pretty quickly. He wanted a woman, that was all it was, and he had scores of them waiting. Janet was at the head of the pack, apparently. He didn’t want to get married again because Elise had damaged his pride. But then, Janet had learned from the ex-wife’s example just how to land that sexy man.
She laughed to herself. It had a hollow sound. She knew, as Blair certainly had, that if he’d put on the pressure, she’d have given in without a single protest, even without a hope of marriage. She wanted him so badly, with such passion, that it almost choked her, even in memory.
He knew it. But it wasn’t enough. He’d had women. He said the mystery was all over for him, that it was only a purely physical response that he couldn’t help. Yes, she’d tempted him. She’d meant to. It was a last-ditch effort to try to make him see that she was mature enough for him; that she was a woman, not a child; that the years between them didn’t matter.
To Blair, the years mattered. That was the bottom line. She’d offered him anything he wanted, and it wasn’t enough.
Janet had already told her that she was going after Blair with Elise’s tactics. Make him crazy and lure him into marriage. It might work. But it seemed a shoddy way to treat a man. It was dishonest. It played on his senses, not his heart.
Yes, Janet might use desire to get a wedding band, but if Blair didn’t love her as well as want her, he’d be no better off than he had been with Elise.
Niki stared at the wall with her heart breaking in her chest. She and Blair had been friends. He’d been her protector, her confidant, her companion. She’d thrown all that away for a few heated minutes in Mexico, and in his car, and she’d lost his respect. He was going to stay away until she came to her senses. That was what he’d been saying, after all.
What he didn’t know was that she was never going to come to her senses. She loved him. That was no flare of desire that would be quickly satisfied. She loved him. She wanted children with him, a future with him. But he couldn’t give her that. He wanted her. But he didn’t love her. What an empty, cold life that would have been, if she’d crossed the line with him and he’d married her out of guilt, with a one-sided love and the possibility of a child he wouldn’t want. At least now, both of them had been spared that.
She wiped away the tears and changed out of her office clothes, sliding into jeans and a T-shirt. But she couldn’t manage to go downstairs and face Blair over the dinner table. That would require more composure than she could manage.
* * *
A FEW MINUTES later her father rapped at her door. “Niki, aren’t you going to come down for supper?” he asked gently.
“Sorry, Dad,” she replied, working hard to keep the hoarseness out of her voice. “I’ve got an awful headache. I had sort of a blowup with Dan today at work.”
“What sort of blowup?” he asked.
She opened the door a crack. “He was on about the herbs and the diet again,” she said with a soft sigh. “He’s been a little aggressive with me and Mr. Jacobs about them.”
Her father frowned. “Exactly what does he think they’ll do for you?”
She pursed her lips and forced a smile. “Cure asthma and rheumatoid arthritis. You might say he’s made allies of Mr. Jacobs and me.”
He scowled. “The man needs to be talked to. I could tell Blair...”
“No!” She swallowed. “No. Please. It would just make things worse. Dan did realize that he’d gone too far. He apologized. He cares, a lot, about people,” she added. “He wants to help. He doesn’t quite realize that he’s being obnoxious.”
He drew in a breath and jingled the change in his pocket. “Okay. It’s your call.” He cocked his head. “Want Edna to bring you up a tray?”
“No, thanks, Dad. It’s been a trying few days.” She managed a laugh. “My head really is splitting. I think I’ll have an early night. Tell Blair I said to have a safe trip and thank him for the vacation.”
“Some vacation, with you being insulted by some pig of a drug dealer right on the hotel grounds,” he said shortly. “That’s being dealt with, by the way. We called the authorities.”
She nodded. “Janet was very kind to me,” she said. She smiled. “She’s nice. Blair could do a lot worse.”
He didn’t say anything. He was remembering how homicidal Blair had been about Niki’s encounter with the lewd young man on the beach. He remembered even better the sight of Blair with his lips to Niki’s discarded bathing suit. He wanted to tell her. But he couldn’t betray his friend. “I guess,” he said after a minute.
“Well, good night, Dad.”
“Good night, honey. Sleep well.”
She reached up and kissed his cheek. “You’re the nicest father in the whole world.”
“I wish you’d had time to see the ruins at Chichen Itza. I know you were looking forward to it,” he added suddenly.
“Maybe next time.”
He nodded. “That’s a deal. Next time, you and I will go. And we’ll spend the day at the ruins. How’s that?”
