by Donna Hatch
“I do have feelings for you,” he confessed softly. “But only royalty marries royalty. It would be foolish to pursue a hopeless relationship. I never had the audacity to try to court one of King Farai’s daughters.”
Her voice was muffled by his cloak as she spoke. “If I take the throne, I lose you. If I reject the throne, I fail my people. Where does that leave us?”
“Alone.”
She pushed away, and all the warmth seemed to leave him. “No. We don’t have to be alone.”
“I can’t do this. I can’t—” Kai curled his hand around the braid hanging from his neck, seeking strength.
She placed a gentle hand over his. “It hurts to see you suffering like this. There’s more to it than bloodline. You once asked me to trust you. I do. Can’t you trust me in return? What is this secret hurt that tortures you?”
If those words had come out of any other woman’s mouth, he might have accused her of being manipulating, but he knew Jeniah enough to know she would never stoop to such pettiness. And as he met her eyes, he saw only concern, tenderness, love.
Love. By the moons, she loved him.
Kai raked his fingers through his hair. He owed her an explanation. He hadn’t spoken of his pain to anyone; he could barely stand to remember it. But Jeniah deserved to know.
He held out a hand to her. Though they appeared fragile, her fingers felt strong as they curled around his. When he started walking with nowhere in particular to go, Jeniah fell in step with him, and he shortened his stride so she could comfortably keep up.
After drawing a fortifying breath, Kai began, “I had a wife.”
He heard Jeniah’s intake of breath.
Fixing on a distant point on the horizon, Kai automatically followed the path winding through the sleeping gardens. “Four years ago, I received orders to take a company of knights out on maneuvers. I wanted to move my wife, Ariana, from the village to the castle for her safety, but she was with child and her time of delivery was near. The midwife feared traveling might bring the baby too soon.”
Steeped in memories, Kai could almost feel Ariana’s warm mouth as she had kissed him at the door. He had returned her kiss and then pressed his lips to her rounded abdomen. Then he had gone, fully expecting to see her again soon.
He tried to order his thoughts, steady his voice. “We finished maneuvers and began the trip back to the castle. News reached us that our village had been attacked by the Gandon robbers. They were a bunch of cutthroats who struck without warning and then fled back into the mountains. Years had gone by without any difficulty from them. Some even speculated that they had died out. They were wrong.” At the memories, Kai’s anger returned fresh. “I sent the rest of the knights back to the castle with my first lieutenant. I raced back to the village. Garhren came with me.”
Kai’s throat closed over as he relived his fear for his wife that long night during the journey home. When he had crested the hill and looked down into the valley, only smoking rubble met his eyes. Kai had searched through debris, smoke stinging his eyes, hot cinders burning his hands. After screaming his wife’s name until he grew hoarse, he finally found her lifeless body curled around her abdomen, as if trying to protect her unborn child.
Much later, Garhren had pulled him from the stupor into which he had sunk, and pried his hands off Ariana’s cold body.
A strangled groan now escaped Kai’s mouth. He pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes, pushing that memory back, and struggled to breathe. Jeniah stood so close he could feel the warmth of her body. He did not dare look at her; it might prove his undoing.
“The robbers had killed many and burned the village. They also abducted a number of young women.After Gar and I,” he swallowed, “buried my wife, we went after the Gandon robbers. We caught up with them outside the catacombs in the mountains and followed them inside to their secret lair. We left none alive, an act of brutality unworthy of Darborian knights.” He reached the end of the path and turned back, keeping his eyes fixed on the ground.
“We reunited the prisoners with their families in the village. Then we went back to the castle. I couldn’t think of anything else to do, and Gar refused to leave me.”
Kai glanced up at the familiar castle turrets, a symbol of his reason for rising every morning these past four years. Immediately, he had thrown himself into his work and, in time, into the arms of amorous women willing to accept an uncomplicated and uncommitted relationship. His heart, he kept carefully protected, until now.
He finally looked at Jeniah. Her eyes shining with unshed tears, she tentatively reached for him. “Oh, Kai, I’m so sorry.”
He ignored his first impulse to turn away. Instead, he pulled her into his arms and let her comfort him.
Holding her until he could breathe again, he wondered how he would ever let her go.
Chapter Eighteen
S till reeling from Kai’s revelation, Jeniah touched his face, wanting to soothe him as she had when he was feverish and delirious.
Kai cupped her cheek and raised her chin. Her breath hitched and a longing ache arose in her as he slowly leaned toward her until their lips met in an infinitely gentle kiss. He brushed his lips across hers once before settling in. Warmth enveloped her. His lips moved tenderly and longingly, his kiss telling her what his words could not.
Jeniah knew then that he loved her. He loved her! She nearly staggered at the thought. Despite their bloodlines, even despite his anguish over losing his wife and the love he still obviously carried for her, he loved her.
Enfolded in his arms and embraced by his clean, earthy, masculine scent, she sank against him. She tightened her arms around him and poured all of her love into the kiss. As his lips continued to press against hers, she responded completely, giving all of herself to him. His kiss grew hungry, demanding. Melting in the heat of Kai’s ardor, Jeniah sank against his strong body. His heart hammered against her chest, matching the frantic rhythm of hers.
When at last their lips parted, he kissed her eyes, her temples, her cheeks, then left a trail of warmth on her skin as his lips moved down her throat. As he held her tightly against him, he trembled with restrained desire. His lips found hers again. When Jeniah was nearly consumed by heat, he dragged himself away from her lips. They held each other in a crushing embrace, their breath ragged.
Kai swallowed hard and held her close. Then, pulling back from her, his eyes drank her in as if memorizing every detail of her face, her mouth. His smile was tender and sad.
Caressing her face, he whispered, “I’ve dishonored you by starting something we can never finish. Please forgive me.”
Without giving her time to respond, he strode a few steps away. After making a swift gesture to the guards, he broke into a run. The garden lay as quiet as a tomb. Crushed that he’d left her, Jeniah stood rooted to the ground. Never before had she experienced such exquisite joy and pleasure. And never before had she felt so alone.
Then another emotion wormed its way in. For the first time, she began to hate Kai’s dedication to his duty. How could he just walk away after such a profoundly intimate moment? Her hands curled into fists as anger simmered in her stomach. He was a coward, a cad.
If he thought he could toy with her the way he toyed with other women, he knew nothing about her. She’d find him and she’d make him see reason.
Kai ran all the way to the stables. After saddling Braygo, he rode far into the hills, trying to ease the intensity of his frustration, but he couldn’t go far enough away to escape. Yet he did not run from her—he ran from himself. What a fool he was.
A cold sun flitted weakly through the clouds. Kai found himself at a village churchyard. After dismounting, he wandered like a sleepwalker through the headstones. He fell to his knees and ran his hand lightly over the stone grave marker.
Ariana Darkwood. Forever in my heart.
“I can’t do this anymore, Ari. I want you, but you’re gone. And I don’t dare open myself up to anyone else. I can’t be vulnera
ble again. It hurts too much. I miss you. I’m sorry I didn’t protect you. I’m sorry I failed you.”
He rested his head against the cold stone, aching for what might have been. He didn’t know how long he sat there, but he was stiff and cold by the time his instincts brought him back from the haze into which he’d fallen. Raising his head, he scanned the terrain, his hands automatically reaching for his weapons.
A lone woman wearing a brown woolen cloak and carrying a basket walked into the churchyard. She hesitated at the gate as if waiting permission to enter.
Kai dragged his sleeve across his eyes and smiled. “Mother.”
She returned the smile. “I saw you at the crossing. I hope I’m not intruding.”
“Never.” He held a hand out to her.
She came toward him with an unhurried stride. “You haven’t visited in ages.” There was no reproach in her tone, only a gentle reminder.
“I have been remiss. I’d planned to come to the farm later today.”
As she kneeled beside him, he eyed her carefully. The lines around her warm blue eyes had deepened, and there were a few more gray hairs mingled in with the dark, but her cheeks were rosy and her face glowed in happiness.
Kai pulled her into an embrace and kissed her cheek. “You look well.”
She brushed the hair back from his face. “You look troubled.” She nodded down at the headstone. “Still hurts, doesn’t it?”
“I haven’t visited here in a long time, either.”
“It’s best if you don’t.”
He stared. “You don’t visit Father’s grave anymore?”
“Not as often as I did at first. Returning frequently makes it hard to go on.”
“I don’t want to go on. It’s seems unfaithful.”
His mother shook her head, her mouth pulling into a sad frown. “Oh, Kai. It’s possible to love a living person and a deceased one at the same time. It’s just like a parent loving more than one child. Your love for one doesn’t diminish your love for the other.”
“Is that how you were able to remarry so quickly?” He hoped there was no sign of accusation in his voice.
She nodded, pushing back his hair again the way she’d done when he was a child. “Finding someone else helped fill in the hole left behind when you father died. Your stepfather was never meant as a replacement. He’s someone new to love in addition to your father.”
Kai nodded and a guilt he hadn’t realize he carried began to fade. He could love Ari and Jeniah at the same time.
Then he scowled. If only he’d made room in his heart for a woman he could actually have. He shrank from the thought of suffering another profound loss when he and Jeniah would part ways, as they inevitably would.
“Have you found someone new?” Kai’s mother asked, interrupting his thoughts.
He shook his head. “Only a fantasy. Did you walk all the way here?”
She smiled. “I like walking.”
He stood and helped her up. “I’ll take you home if you’ll feed me some of your pie.”
“Hazenberries are out of season, but I have some nutbread.”
“Sounds wonderful.” He lifted his mother to the saddle, noting that she’d grown comfortably plump, and swung up behind her. As they rode back to the farm, he thought about the last woman who’d been in the saddle with him, and wished she were here to introduce to his mother.
What did it matter? Jeniah would be queen of Arden. And he would go on serving his king.
Jeniah’s stomach rumbled, bringing her out of her book. She lifted her head, realizing that the windows had darkened and she had missed dinner. Nearby, her guards stood at alert, never wavering in their duty. Too bad she couldn’t train them to keep her aware of the time.
Placing her bookmark and tucking the book under her arm, Jeniah unfolded her legs and slid off the window seat where she’d been ensconced all afternoon. Hopefully, there would be something left to eat. Wondering if Kai were worried about her, she quickened her steps and burst inside her room to change.
Darkness met her; not even a fire burned in the grate, and she bumped into a table. Faintly illuminated by the lamplight in the corridor, a vase rocked precariously on the table.
From nearby came a muffled sound.
Something was wrong. Dark fear rose in her chest. A shadow came out of the darkness, and Jeniah blurred
instinctively. It was foolish, for in the darkness no illusion would be effective. Arms seized her. She struggled against them and took a breath to scream, but a cloth clamped over her mouth, smothering her sounds. Jeniah bucked and kicked against the vise-like arms that kept her pinned.
A strange odor assailed her. She grew weak and dizzy, her limbs falling heavily. All went black.
Chapter Nineteen
After passing a pleasant afternoon with his family, Kai rode toward the castle, lighter of heart than he had been in ages. At the crossroads, he paused. Then, bracing himself as if for battle, he turned Braygo back to the churchyard. Ariana was gone, at peace among those departed souls in the stars. He needed to let her go.
Slowing, he approached Ariana’s grave. As the sun set behind the mountains, he fell to his knees.
“I’ve met someone, Ari.” He faltered. “I didn’t want to, but I’ve developed feelings for her. She’s out of reach.” He let out a sound of disgust and ran his fingers through his hair. “She’s the rightful queen of Arden.”
He watched the sunset reach outward, spreading a glorious fusion of color across the sky and turning the underside of the clouds into gold. “It’s time I let you go and let you move on. Let myself move on. I don’t want to be alone all my life.” He bowed his head. “I love you, Ari. I will always love you. Be at peace.” He removed the braid from around his neck, kissed it, and then buried it next to the headstone.
He waited, expecting a sense of loss, but sweet peace slipped over him.
He took a deep breath, then mounted Braygo and returned to Darbor Castle. He still couldn’t see a future with Jeniah, and he hated to imagine one without her, but at least he could face the future with a whole heart.
He arrived at the castle well after dark, feeling a pain of regret that he hadn’t arrived in time to dine with Jeniah. He passed the main hall only to find it empty. Whatever the evening’s entertainment had been, it had ended. Making a mental note to make it up to the princess, he headed toward his room. Perhaps he could take her riding. She’d probably enjoy visiting the frozen falls in the canyon.
He paused at a junction in the corridor, looking toward Jeniah’s chambers. He knew she would be abed, but the desire to see her again was so strong that he could barely withstand his need to go to her.
He had to resist. If he went to her now, he would make her his own and never let her go, defying both his duty and hers.
Inside his room he removed his cloak, outer tunic, and leather jerkin. He’d just reached over his head to pull off his shirt when a knock sounded at the door.
“Enter,” he called, expecting his squire.
The door opened, but the footsteps and rustling skirts did not belong to a lad. He glanced up, then stared. “Zayla.”
She wore a brocade dressing robe and soft-soled slippers. Her shimmering golden hair fell in tumbled curls over her shoulders, and her eyes glimmered with a sultry light.
A smile curved her lips. “Don’t let me interrupt.”
Kai tugged his shirt back into place. “You shouldn’t be here.”
“Ah, yes, everyone is talking about how very virtuous you’ve suddenly become. Worried someone will see us together and tell your little girl you aren’t capable of fidelity?”
He ignored the barb about the princess. “I was faithful to you while we were together, Zayla.”
Her mocking smile faded into one of tenderness. “I know you were. And we were together a long time. Long enough that I’d hoped maybe, just maybe, one day you would let go of that very tight hold you have on your heart and love me a little.”
; As Kai struggled to come up with a reply, she draped her lithe body over a chair and let out a sigh. “Actually, I came here to tell you I leave in the morning for Arden.”
He nodded. “I knew you were on the advance team.”
She grinned. “I do love to play spy. And if we can tweak Rheged’s nose by putting the Ardeene prince back on the throne, all the better.”
Kai didn’t correct her. She would learn in her final briefing before the advance team departed that they were fighting for a princess, not a prince. “Your aid will be valuable.”
Zayla traced her lower lip with her fingers, a provocative ploy. He watched as if hypnotized, then, desperate to break the spell she was weaving, stood and threw another log on the fire. “I wish you luck.”
Her eyes followed his movement with undisguised hunger. He turned away from her and focused on the fire, battling the temptation to take her into his arms. Perhaps he could forget Jeniah and rekindle the passion and security he’d found with Zayla. Now that he’d decided to move on with his life, he might find it within himself to allow himself to love Zayla the way he couldn’t before. Ariana would always remain tucked away in a special corner of his heart, but now there was room for another.
Zayla moved to him and touched his shoulder, then slid her hand along his collarbone to the parted shirt. As her fingers touched the bare skin at the base of his neck, he drew in his breath. She moved closer, brushing her body against his. He swallowed hard, tamping down his reaction.
“I’ve seen you wrestling with your inner demons, Kai. Let me heal you. Let me love you. There’s been no one since you.” She slid her arms around him and lifted her head for a kiss.
Though sorely tempted, he hesitated. Her nearness brought back sweet memories and tender moments. Zayla had taught him to laugh again and he’d been fond of her, but he hadn’t been able to step toward the terrifying precipice of love. Now that he’d finally said farewell to Ariana, he could take that step and welcome the wholeness of loving and being loved in return.
