the STRUGGLE

by Wanda E. Brunstetter

  “One thing I’ve always thought was special about you is that you can’t look the other way when someone you know is hurting,” Mom said, smiling at Esther. “But postponing your wedding won’t bring Timothy and Hannah’s little girl back, and I’m sure they would want you to go ahead with your plans.”

  Esther nodded. “That’s exactly what Timothy told Samuel.”

  “Life goes on even when people are hurting. Maybe going to the wedding will help them focus on something else, if only for a little while,” Naomi spoke up. “I remember when my little brother Zach was kidnapped. Nothing seemed right. But we forced ourselves to keep on with the business of living despite the pain we felt over losing him.”

  “That’s right,” Naomi’s sister Nancy said. “It was hard going on without our little brother all those years, but God helped us get through it.”

  “And He will help Timothy and Hannah, too,” Allen said. “They just need to stay close to Him and rely on others for comfort and support.”

  “Do you think they’ll attend the wedding?” Bonnie asked, turning to look at him.

  “Well, Timothy’s back working with Samuel again, and when I spoke to him yesterday, he said he was planning to go and that he hoped Hannah would feel up to it.”

  When Timothy entered the kitchen, Hannah was standing in front of the stove making a pot of coffee. That was a good sign, because ever since Mindy died he’d had to make his own coffee in the mornings.

  “I’m just going to have a bowl of cereal, and then I’ll need to get ready for the wedding,” he said, stepping up beside her.

  No reply. Not even a nod.

  “Hannah, are you planning to go Esther and Samuel’s wedding with me?”

  She slowly shook her head.

  “Maybe I shouldn’t go either, because I don’t want to leave you here alone.”

  “Just go on without me; I’ll be fine,” she mumbled. Well, at least she was talking to him again.

  “Are you sure you won’t go? It might do you some good to get out of the house for a few hours.”

  She whirled around and glared at him. “You can’t expect me to put on a happy face and go to the wedding when I feel so dead inside!”

  Normally, Timothy preferred to listen rather than talk, but something needed to be said, and he planned to say it. “You know, when we first made plans to move to Kentucky—”

  Her eyes narrowed. “Your plans, don’t you mean? You never considered whether I wanted to move. All you thought about was yourself!”

  “I wasn’t just thinking of me. I was thinking of us and our marriage.”

  She folded her arms. “Humph!”

  “We can make this work, Hannah, but it’s going to take both of us to do it.”

  “It’s never going to work, and I don’t see how you can expect it to,” she said. “If we were still in Pennsylvania, none of this would have happened. Don’t you realize that the day our daughter died, a part of me died, too? You took her from me, Timothy. You took our precious little girl, and she’s never coming back!” Hannah turned and rushed out of the room, leaving him staring after her, eyes wet with tears.

  It had been hard for Timothy to hitch his horse to the buggy and go over to Samuel’s for the wedding, but out of love and respect for his brother, he’d made himself do it. Now, after turning his horse loose in the corral and starting in the direction of the house, he was having second thoughts. Maybe he should have stayed home with Hannah. She was terribly upset when he left. But if he couldn’t get through to her in the kitchen this morning, it probably wouldn’t have mattered if he’d stayed there all day and talked to Hannah. Suzanne had tried, Samuel had tried, and Esther had tried, but no one could get through to her. Hannah blamed Timothy for Mindy’s death, and she obviously wasn’t going to forgive him. Short of a miracle, nothing he could say or do would change the fact that she no longer loved him. He feared that for the rest of their married life they’d be living in the same house, sleeping in separate bedrooms, with Hannah barely acknowledging his presence. That wasn’t the way God intended marriage to be, but Timothy didn’t know what he could do about it.

  As he neared the house, he spotted Bonnie and Allen on the front porch talking to Trisha. He wasn’t surprised that they’d been invited, since Allen and Samuel were good friends and so were Bonnie and Esther. And since Trisha and Esther had been working at the B&B together for the last several weeks, it was understandable that she’d received an invitation to the wedding as well.

  “It’s good to see you,” Allen said, clasping Timothy’s shoulder as soon as he stepped onto the porch.

  “Thanks. It’s good to see you, too.”

  “How’s Hannah doing?” Bonnie asked. “I was hoping she might be here today.”

  Timothy shook his head. “Hannah’s still not doing well. She didn’t feel up to coming.”

  “That’s too bad. I’ve been meaning to drop by your place and see her,” Bonnie said. “I was busy getting ready for the out-of-town wedding guests, and I’m sorry I didn’t take the time to check on her. I’ll try to do that within the next day or so.”

  Timothy forced a smile. “I appreciate that, and hopefully Hannah will, too.” He motioned to the house. “Guess the service will be starting soon, so I’d better get inside.”

  When Timothy took a seat beside his dad, he noticed that Samuel and Esther had already taken their seats, facing each other. They fidgeted a bit, an indication that they were nervous, but their eager smiles let him know how happy they were. They’d both been through a lot, so they deserved all the happiness of this special day.

  Timothy glanced to his right and saw his other five brothers sitting beyond his dad. On the benches behind them were his three brothers-in-law. His sisters sat together on the women’s side of the room with his sisters-in-law. Many of his nieces and nephews had also come to the wedding, making quite a large group from Pennsylvania. They’d hired several drivers with vans to make the trip.

  As the first song began, Timothy thought about how this was the second of his brothers’ weddings he’d attended alone. Last October, Timothy had left Hannah and Mindy in Pennsylvania when he’d come to Kentucky to attend Titus and Suzanne’s wedding. Hannah had used the excuse that her mother needed help because she’d sprained her ankle, so she’d insisted on staying home. Now Timothy was at Samuel and Esther’s wedding, and he was alone once again. This time he understood why Hannah hadn’t wanted to come. It had been difficult for him to come, but he was happy Samuel had found love again, and Timothy wanted to witness his brother’s marriage.

  As the service continued, Timothy thought about his own wedding. He’d loved Hannah so much back then—and still did, for that matter. But things had changed for Hannah. Even before Mindy’s death, she’d often been cool toward him. He’d shrugged it off, figuring she was still upset with him for making them move to Kentucky. But there had been times, like the week before Mindy died, when he thought Hannah was beginning to adjust to the move and had actually warmed up to him. Just when he’d felt there was some hope for their marriage, Mindy’s tragic death had shattered their world. Timothy was convinced that Hannah’s love for him was dead. Their tragedy was so huge, nothing short of a miracle could mend their relationship.

  Timothy’s thoughts were halted when Bishop King called Esther and Samuel to stand before him. Their faces fairly glowed as they each answered affirmatively to the bishop’s questions. When the vows had been spoken, the bishop took Esther and Samuel’s hands and said, “So go forth in the name of the Lord. You are now husband and wife.”

  I hope they will always be as happy as they are right now, Timothy thought. And may nothing ever drive them apart.

  As Hannah entered the cemetery to visit Mindy’s grave, she spotted a lone sheep rubbing its nose on one of the headstones. At least she thought it was a sheep. Due to the tears clouding her vision, she wondered if she might be seeing something that wasn’t actually there.

  Hannah moved forward and
stopped when she heard a loud baa. There really was a sheep by that headstone. But why would the creature be in the cemetery, and who did it belong to?

  Hannah heard another baa and glanced to her left. Several sheep grazed in the field on the other side of the cemetery. Apparently one had found a way out and ended up over here. Well, the sheep could stay right where it was, for all she cared.

  Hannah ambled slowly through the cemetery until she came to the place where Mindy’s body had been buried. The simple granite headstone inscribed with Mindy’s name, date of birth, and date of death had been set in place, making the tragedy even more final. Tears welled in Hannah’s eyes, and she swayed unsteadily. The anguish that engulfed her was so great she felt overcome by it. She dropped to the ground and sobbed. “Oh Mindy, my precious little girl…How can I go on without you?”

  CHAPTER 45

  After Hannah returned home from the cemetery, she sat on the porch awhile, holding Bobbin and hoping the cat would offer her some comfort. He didn’t. She just felt worse because she was reminded of how Mindy had enjoyed playing with the animal. One time Bobbin had lost his balance and rolled down the stairs like a sack of potatoes. Mindy had been so concerned and looked so relieved when she’d seen that the cat wasn’t hurt.

  Even with the memories she had left of Mindy, Hannah didn’t think anything would ever bring her the comfort she so badly needed. She barely noticed the birds singing in the trees and refused to look at the flowers she’d planted in the spring. She thought about the dandelions Mindy had picked on the morning of her death and winced. It was such a bittersweet memory.

  Bobbin rubbed his nose against Hannah’s hand and purred, as though sensing her mood; yet Hannah felt no comfort.

  When the sun became unbearably hot, Hannah set the cat on the porch and went inside for a glass of water. She took a seat at the table and sat staring at the stool Mindy used to perch on during their meals. This house was way too quiet without the patter of Mindy’s little feet and the sound of her childish laughter bouncing off the walls. She’d been such a happy girl—curious, full of energy, so cute and cuddly. Hannah’s arms ached to hold her and stroke her soft, pink skin.

  Giving in to her tears, Hannah leaned forward and rested her head on the table. She’d been on the brink of tears every day since Mindy died, and often let herself weep, as she was doing now.

  “Oh how I wish I’d had the chance to say good-bye, kiss my precious girl, and tell her how much I love her,” Hannah sobbed. Overcome with fatigue and grief, she closed her eyes and drifted off.

  Sometime later, Hannah was awakened when Timothy entered the kitchen, touched her shoulder, and said, “How come you’re sitting here in the dark?”

  Hannah sat up straight and rubbed her eyes. “I must have dozed off.”

  Timothy lit the gas lamp above the kitchen table. “Sorry I’m so late. There were lots of people from my family at the wedding, and I wanted to visit with them.”

  Hannah glanced at the clock on the far wall. It was almost seven o’clock. Had she really been asleep nearly two hours?

  “Mom and Dad said to tell you hello. They’ll be over to visit in the next day or so. I think tomorrow they’re going to help Esther and Samuel with the cleanup from the wedding.”

  Hannah shrugged. She didn’t care whether Fannie and Abraham came over to see her. She wasn’t good company and really had nothing to say to either of them.

  “Have you eaten supper yet?” Timothy asked.

  She shook her head. “I’m not hungry.”

  “Hannah, you need to eat. I’m worried because you’ve lost so much weight, and it’s not good for your health to skip meals like you do.”

  “Why’d the Lord bring us here, only to forsake us?” she wailed.

  “God hasn’t forsaken us, Hannah. He knows the pain we both feel.” Timothy rested his hands on her trembling shoulders, and for just a minute, Hannah’s pain lessened a bit.

  “Why don’t the two of us go for a ride?” he suggested. “It’ll give us a chance to enjoy the cool evening breeze that’s come up, and I think it would be good for you to get out of the house for a while.”

  She shrugged his hands away. “I don’t want to go for a ride. I just want to be left alone.”

  “Not this time, Hannah. You need me right now, and I…I need you, too.”

  Hannah just stared at the table, fighting back tears of frustration.

  “Don’t you love me anymore?” he asked, taking a seat beside her.

  His question burned deep in her heart, and she shifted in her seat, unsure of how to respond.

  He leaned close and moaned as he brushed his lips across her forehead. “I love you, Hannah, and I always will.”

  Overcome with emotion, she took a deep breath and forced herself to look at him. His eyes held no sparkle, revealing the depth of his sadness. When he pulled her into his arms, she felt weak, unable to resist.

  As Timothy’s lips touched Hannah’s, a niggling little voice in her head said she shouldn’t let this happen, yet her heart said otherwise, and she seemed powerless to stop it.

  Finding comfort in her husband’s embrace, Hannah closed her eyes and allowed his kisses to drive all negative, hurtful thoughts from her mind.

  When Timothy awoke the following morning, he glanced over at his sleeping wife and smiled. She looked so peaceful with her long hair fanned out on the pillow and her cheeks rosy from a good night’s sleep. He decided not to wake her. After all, he’d been fixing his own breakfast for the last few weeks, so he could do it again this morning.

  He grabbed his work clothes, bent to kiss Hannah’s forehead, and slipped quietly out of the room. There was extra pep to his step because, for the first time in weeks, he actually felt hopeful.

  As Timothy fixed a pot of coffee in the kitchen, he thought about last night and thanked God that he and Hannah had found comfort in each other’s arms. Timothy was certain her response to him had been the first step in helping them deal with the pain of losing Mindy. He felt hopeful that they could now face the loss of their daughter together and find the strength they both needed to go on.

  When Timothy walked out the door to wait for his driver, he leaned against the porch railing. Watching the sunrise, he thought it had never looked more beautiful.

  Hannah yawned and stretched her arms over her head. Her brain felt fuzzy—like it was full of thick cobwebs. She must have slept long and hard.

  When Hannah sat up in bed and looked around, she felt as if a jolt of electricity had been shot through her. She was in her own bedroom, not Mindy’s! How in the world did I end up here?

  Hannah rubbed her forehead. Then she remembered Timothy’s kisses and words of love. She’d needed his comfort and let her emotions carry her away.

  “What was I thinking?” Hannah moaned. She hadn’t forgiven Timothy for causing Mindy’s death and didn’t think she ever could. One night of being held in his arms wouldn’t bring Mindy back to them, and it may have given Timothy false hope.

  Hannah pushed the covers aside and crawled out of bed. With tears blinding her vision, she stumbled across the room. She couldn’t stay here anymore. She had to get away.

  As Hannah packed her bags in readiness to leave, pain clutched her heart. If they hadn’t moved to Kentucky, none of this would have happened. Mindy would still be with them, and they’d be living happily in Pennsylvania.

  After Hannah got dressed, she opened the bedroom door, set her suitcase in the hallway, and headed for Mindy’s room. When she stepped inside, she stared at her daughter’s empty bed. She hadn’t even changed Mindy’s sheets since the tragic day of her death. A deep sense of sadness washed over Hannah as she sat on the bed and buried her face in Mindy’s pillow. She took a deep breath, trying to keep her daughter’s essence within her. But sadly, she was reminded once again that Mindy was never coming back. Hannah wouldn’t see her little girl’s sweet face again—not in this life, anyhow. The only way she could deal with this unrelenting pain was
to leave this place, where painful memories plagued her night and day, and return to Pennsylvania. At least there she would have Mom and Dad’s love and support. Yes, that’s what she needed right now.

  With one last glance, Hannah spotted Mindy’s favorite doll. She picked it up and carried it, along with her suitcase, down the stairs. Upon entering the kitchen, she found a notepad and pen and quickly scrawled a note for Timothy, which she left on the table.

  Hannah pushed the screen door open and stepped onto the porch. A blast of warm, humid air hit her full in the face, yet she still felt chilled. She heard a pathetic meow. Looking down, she saw Bobbin lying on his back on the porch, paws in the air. Did the poor cat know she was leaving? Did he even care?

  Shoulders slumped and head down, Hannah stepped off the porch and made her way down the lane, where she would stop at the phone shanty to call her driver for a ride to the bus station in Clarksville.

  As she ambled slowly past the fence dividing the lane from the pasture, Mindy’s doll slipped from her hand, unnoticed. Squinting against the morning sun, blazing like a fiery furnace, Hannah kept walking and didn’t look back. It was best to leave all the painful memories behind.

  When Timothy’s driver dropped him at the end of their lane that evening, Timothy winced with each step he took. He hurt all over—even the soles of his feet. He and Samuel had worked on a three-story house in Hopkinsville today, and he’d been up and down the ladder so many times he’d lost count. It had been easier to work, however, knowing things were better between him and Hannah and that she’d be waiting for him when he got home. He hoped she’d have supper ready and that they could sit outside on the back porch after they ate and visit while they watched the sun go down and listened to the crickets sing their nightly chorus.

  As Timothy continued his walk up the lane, he kicked something with the toe of his boot. He looked and was surprised to see Mindy’s doll lying facedown in the dirt.