by Hiawyn Oram
THAN THEIR DREAMS
IT’S YOU!”
But this is where we hit rock bottom of the Abyss of Trouble.
To fully understand why, go back to the EASY REVERSAL NOTE for that Look-Like-a-Girl-Band-Girl spell I invented—because reversal was
WHAT WAS
about to
happen!
“Now,” said the first PP, pointing at HA. “You are Hagatha Agatha.” Then pointing at Iodine, “and you are…”
At that moment THE MOON APPEARED AT A WINDOW.
Iodine glanced at it—SNEEZED THREE TIMES without knowing what she was doing—and answered the PP in all innocence:
“IODINE UNDERWOOD. THAT TIS I!”
And it WAS HER!
The Look-Like-a-Girl-Band-Girl spell reversed in a flash—and there was Iodine—a full-on High Hag.
At the sight of it, and her Girl Band dreams going up in the smoke of truth,
HA fell down in a swoon.
Panic broke out in the Starstruck Room.
Though not for long: realizing she was revealed to so many for what she is, Iodine went RIGHT OVER THE TOP with the Polished Talon Dust so no one would remember what they’d seen.
This time Bella and I escaped it by hiding under a chair—but a whole cloud fell on the helpless Haggy Aggy, swooning on the floor. So much in fact that for two days she hasn’t been able to remember her own name.
Of course, I’m taking great care of her and feeding her Begoneberry Broth to begone the effects of all that Forgetfulness Dust.
I don’t know what she will have to say when she fully recovers. I’m hoping she will remember everything and not give a gawbox that she nearly became a GALAXY-SIZED Girl Band. I’m hoping what happened in the Starstruck Room will teach her a lesson too about staying true to what you are—in her case a witch and a very good one, if only she’d be more willing.
As for me. I mean, Iaask you. A GIRL BAND MANAGER? As I keep asking of myself in adazement: What WAS I thinking of? I’m a Highly Qualified Witch’s Familiar from a long line of Witch’s Familiars. That’s what I am and that’s what I always will be.
Mind you,
I don’t see
why I can’t be
that which I am—
IN MY SUPERNOVA
NEW EYES SHADES
Can you?
WITCHES’ CHARTER OF GOOD PRACTICE
1. Scare at least one child on the Other Side into his or her wits—every day (excellent), once in seven days (good), once a moon (average), once in two moons (bad), once in a blue moon (failed).
2. Identify any fully grown Othersiders who were not properly scared into their wits as children and DO IT NOW. (It is never too late for a grown Othersider to come to his or her senses.)
3. Invent a new spell useful for every purpose and every occasion in the Witches’ Calendar. Ensure that you or your Familiar commits it to a spell book before it is lost to the Realms of Forgetfulness forever.
4. Keep a proper witch’s house at all times—filled with dust and spiders’ webs, mold, and earwigs’ underthings; and ensure that the jars on your kitchen shelves are always alive with good spell ingredients.
5. Cackle a lot. Cackling can be heard far and wide and serves many purposes such as (i) alerting others to your terrifying presence and (ii) sounding hideous and thereby comforting to your fellow witches.
6. Make sure your Familiar keeps your means of proper travel (broomsticks) in good repair and that one, either, or both of you exercise them regularly.
7. Never fail to present yourself anywhere and everywhere in full witch’s uniform (i.e., black everything and no ribbons upon your hat ever). Sleeping in uniform is recommended as a means of saving dressing time.
8. Keep your Familiar happy with a good supply of comfrey tea and slime buns. Remember, behind every great witch is a well-fed Familiar.
9. At all times acknowledge the authority of your local High Hags. As their eyes can move 360 degrees and they know everything there is to know, it is always in your interests to make their wishes your commands.
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February 2010
Here’s a note from Rumblewick about Haggy Aggy’s latest antics:
* * *
Dear Reader,
I’m going totally bats on a broomstick! I thought Haggy was back in black for good when she wanted to be a rock star, but now she’s in top-to-toe pink! What sort of witch wears PINK?! As if that weren’t enough, she’s gone to the Other Side to get a makeover to help jumpstart her modeling career—and all on Fright Night, no less!
I’m Haggy Aggy’s right-hand cat, contractually bound to shape her into the best broom-wielding, frightfully awful witch she can be, so why must Haggy prefer tutus and nail polish to black hats and toad spells?
If the Hags on High hear about her antics, I’m toast! You’re all I’ve got, dear reader—HELP!
TURN THE PAGE FOR A SNEAK PEEK!
Very sincerely,
Later
Dear Diary,
The hurtling cloud was her. As it turns out, she hasn’t been near Witch Rattle’s Bad Temper Competition. (“Oh, RB,” she defended herself, “why should I? I always win. Witch Rattle and her friends wouldn’t know a Bad Temper if it knocked them off their broomsticks.”)
Instead, she’s been shopping on the Other Side. And I’m sorry to say, but this is what she’s been shopping for:
ROSE, PEACH, GERANIUM, CARNATION,
PALE, SHOCKING, TOADSTOOL,
PENICILLIN, CAT’S TONGUE,
BAT’s TONGUE—whatever—PINK
Skirts, tiddly tops, dresses, stockings, petticoats, hats, shoes, buckles, bangles, and neckwear—
ALL IN PINK!
She’s already packed all her black into her flying trunk and made me send it to the broomstick shed.
“OUT OF MY
SIGHT, RB!”
she said.
“BLACK IS YESTERDAY.
PINK IS THE NEW BLACK!”
I tried to reason with her. “But witches wear black,” I said. “It’s what they do. It’s UNIFORM. There’s never been a witch in witchdom in top-to-toe pink.”
“Well, why not?” she said. “What’s”
wrong with a witch in pink?
I adore pink.”
With that she opened a box of cocoalots topped with PINK sugar roses she’d bought on her PINK shopping spree, turned on Otherside TV, and flung herself onto the sofa like a giant pink powder puff.
I pushed a cup of comfrey tea and a slime bun in front of her—in the midge-sized hope she’d choose them over Otherside rose-topped cocoalots—and went outside in a snit to feed the frogs.
Of course, unlike every other witch in the universe, SHE does not keep frogs for the cauldron.
Oh no, not my Haggy Aggy. Since she decided to disallow all living creatures from our potions, she (or rather we, as I do all the work) keep them as PETS! And, as every frog in Wizton knows this, each night more sneak into our frog run trying to look like they’ve always been there.
I was busy shooing today’s sneak-ins back into the woods when Bella leaped onto my hat. She started kissing me all over
(YUKKLE!)
and promising to do anything I asked of her if I’d let her come inside and watch TV with Haggy Aggy.
I was just saying, NO—IF I LET YOU, THEN ALL THE FROGS WILL WANT TO COME AND WATCH TV TOO, when HA started yelling “RB! Come at once. You just have to see this!”
So, with Bella still clinging like a frog-shaped leech, I went back inside.
“This” was an Otherside Beauty Program and HA was bouncing about on the sofa screaming, “LOOK, RB! I can’t believe it! It’s such a lucky meeting of coincidences! They’re giving that Othersider a makeover! AND THAT’S WHAT I NEED, RB—AND THAT’S WHAT I’M GOING TO GET—A TOTAL MAKEOVER. Do you know why? I’ll tell you. SO I CAN BECOME AN OTHERSIDE SUPERMODEL
AND BE ADMIRED ALL OVER
THE UNIVERSE FOR MY
BEAUTEOUSNESS!”
YIKES AND TRIPLE YIKES
was all I could think.
A witch—MY witch—wanting to be ADMIRED ALL OVER THE UNIVERSE FOR HER BEAUTY?
I shook my ears for webs and earwig nests. Was I hearing right? I was, because next she opened one of her new pink handbags and handed me a printed card picked up on her shopping spree. Here it is for your EDIFICATION:
Have you got what it takes to walk
the walk and be admired worldwide for your beauty?
Then come in for your free photoshoot now
AND LET US LAUNCH YOU ON
YOUR SUPERMODEL CAREER!
The Great Bones
Supermodel Agency
II Blaggit Street, Yarborough, NN II
TIPS FOR BECOMING A MAGMA-HOT ROCKER AND QUEEN BEE OF THE GIRLIEST GIRL BAND:
1. Brainstorm for a DAZZLING NAME.
2. Write a WINNING SONG.
3. DRESS THE PART
4. HIRE A FAMILIAR to do the hard stuff for you.
5. CAST A SPELL on the audience.
6. Get your FRIENDS to join you!
7. Make sure you have some loyal FANFROGS.
8. Learn to PLAY AN INSTRUMENT.
9. Wear SHADES.
10. LET YOUR STAR POWER SHINE!
Are you a Rumble-like, a Hag-a-lot, or truly Otherside?
Take this QUIZ and find out!
My favorite girl band is:
A. one I can dance and sing along to.
B. the one I’m the star of.
C. I prefer boy bands.
If I met a witch, I would:
A. teach her a new spell.
B. Who wants to meet a witch? I’d rather go shopping.
C. make her teach me to fly.
If I had a million dollars, I would spend it:
A. on a lifetime supply of slimebuns.
B. on a lifetime supply of pink shoes.
C. on candy (I don’t even want to know what’s in a slimebun—EW!).
The best sleepover activity is:
A. crashing the party.
B. jumping on the bed in my jimjams.
C. playing Truth or Dare.
Mostly A’s:
You’re a lot like Rumblewick the cat. You’re a star student and like to play by the rules, but you know how to head-bop to the music as well as anyone, and you’re always there for your friends.
Mostly B’s:
You’re more like Haggy Aggy. So what if you don’t want to be a witch? It’s way more fun to be a regular girl! You may have a bit of a temper, but you’ve got real star power and charisma.
Mostly C’s:
You’re perfectly happy being Otherside. You’re curious about what’s beyond the horizon line and would love to meet a real live witch, but you’d rather cheer for the band than be up on stage, and while you LOVE cats, you’d never want to deal with the High Hags in real life!
D B R O O M S T I C K T
O W H I C H O G W C H S
G F C I S X T A I Z U J
H A G G Y P H W I T C H
T M S L I M E B U N S Q
A I O O M L R L H A G S
D L I H B G S Y L X G O
O I O M A J I M J A M S
F A U O W G D P H U I R
T R Z G D E E H T E L L
E F K T M M G P T I C K
L V A R R I V O O M L W
L C J I H H X S W I C K
RUMBLEWICK HIGH HAGS
SLIMEBUNS WITCH
JIMJAMS TAD OF TELL
HAGGY CAT
SPELL BROOMSTICK
FAMILIAR OTHERSIDE
Dear Precious Children,
The Publisher asked me to say something about these Diaries. (As I do not write Otherside very well, I have dictated it to the Publisher’s Familiar/assistant. If she has not written it down right, let me know and I’ll turn her into a fat pumpkin.)
This is my message: I went to a lot of trouble to steal these Diaries for you. And the Publisher gave me a lot of shoes in exchange. If you do not read them the Publisher may want the shoes back. So please, for my sake—the only witch in witchdom who isn’t willing to scare you for her own entertainment—ENJOY THEM ALL.
Yours ever,
Your fantabulous shoe-loving friend, Hagatha Agatha (Haggy Aggy for short, HA for shortest) xx
* The High Hags run everything around here. They RULE.
* I like this
