by Anna Jacobs
“I told Craig I didn’t think we should go on meeting and he was very sweet about it, though he called me a couple of times. But I refused to go out with him again. Then a month or so later I realised I was pregnant and so I had to tell him. I couldn’t even consider an abortion, you see.” She gave Ryan a wavery smile. “I thought Craig would be furious but he was delighted. He really wanted the baby. I was all tearful and I felt rotten, so I let him take over. He made plans for the baby, for us being together. Sold his flat and bought that house in Perth. He was so happy. At least I made him happy. He never knew I . . . ” She broke off and avoided Ryan’s eyes.
“ . . . that you didn’t love him?”
She looked up again, drawing in a long shuddering breath. “Yes. I definitely didn’t love him and I’m not sure he loved me, either. I think he simply loved the situation, felt it showed him in a good light, still virile enough to father a child. He hated growing old.”
Ryan’s voice was a rough scrape of sound. “Yeah, he was a great father - but a rotten husband. Go on.”
“Craig and I moved in together - well, at first I moved in and he spent a lot of time with me. I’d stopped work and was letting him keep me. I knew it was wrong, but I felt so stupidly weak and helpless, and I felt so sick all the time. I’d have done anything rather than go to my parents for help, because it’d have meant my moving back home and then I’d be trapped. I didn’t want them bringing up my child, you see, smothering it as they’d smothered me. Everything is black and white to them, with no shades of grey, no tolerance of human frailty.” She fell silent, staring into space.
“Did you know about the will?”
“Sort of. Craig said he’d changed it to include me and the baby. He laughed about it, said he intended to be around for many years to come, but it was always wise to do your paperwork, just in case.”
“I’ve often heard him say that.”
“I didn’t know about the insurance money, but when Craig was killed, I couldn’t refuse to take it because it meant freedom for me and the child. I’m sorry if I’ve hurt your mother and I’m sorry if you think worse of me for taking it, but I still intend to keep it. Once the baby’s born I have to find somewhere to live that my family won’t find me, you see.”
“You’re safe here in Melbourne, surely?”
“Barry will find me here sooner or later, I know he will.”
“But he still can’t force you to do anything against your will.”
“You don’t know my cousin. He’s like one of those big machines they use for flattening the ground when they’re making roads. You just - can’t stop him rolling over you. And I’m not,” her voice wobbled, “in the best condition to stand up for myself. I’m always weeping or dithering, not myself at all lately.”
She watched anxiously as Ryan got up, went to stare out of the window, then turned back to her, his expression giving nothing of his feelings away.
“Do you hate me?” she blurted out, unable to stand the suspense.
“No, of course not. But I don’t know how I feel. I thought you loved him, you see. I thought at least you’d loved my father and that explained everything.” His voice broke on the last words.
“He was kind. I liked him. But I was never in love with him. I couldn’t pretend about that - not to you.”
“I need to think about it.” He went to pick up his car keys and turned at the door. “I’ll give you a call.”
She didn’t move, let him see himself out. Not until the outer door made the snicking sound that said the lock had caught, did she bow her head and weep.
She knew Ryan wouldn’t call her, just knew it, and she could hardly blame him.
She only wished she’d met him before she’d met his father.
Which was a futile thing to wish for. You couldn’t change the past, much as you’d like to. You had to live with your mistakes. She put one hand on her stomach. She’d never make her child feel unwanted, though. Never. If she did nothing else right in her life, she was going to bring it up knowing it was loved, but able to be itself.
And at least she wouldn’t be on her own after it was born.
Chapter 20
Kit was delighted when the physio said he could stop using the crutches for a half-hour, beginning the next day and adding half an hour each day. The following morning he walked into the kitchen where Laura was preparing their breakfast and when she didn’t turn round he called, “Look at me!” and struck a pose.
She turned, saw him without crutches for the first time and without thinking ran across to give him a hug. “How does it feel?”
He hugged her back. “It feels wonderful to be standing on my own feet. I’ve had to be so strict with myself when I’ve been itching to walk and drive.”
“You’ll still be careful, though? You won’t overdo it?”
“No, I won’t overdo it. But it makes it much easier to do this.” He kissed her, made an appreciative noise in his throat, then kissed her again.
“I can’t think straight when you do that.”
“Who needs to think?” He saw the hint of panic in her eyes and stepped back. “Now, can you stop doing that for an hour or so and drive me over to my brother’s? He isn’t returning my phone calls and as it’s Sunday, I thought I might stand a chance of catching him in.”
“Of course.” She covered the vegetables with a damp cloth and ran upstairs to check her appearance. As she came downstairs the phone rang and she heard Kit’s voice. She hesitated at the kitchen door, not wanting to interrupt him if it was his brother, but he beckoned her across and gestured to the phone. “Your mother’s here now, Deb.”
She took the phone from him. “Hello, darling.”
“Hi, Mum. I just thought I’d - um - give you a call to see how you are.”
“I’m fine. And you?”
“Fine. Pop’s looking after me very well. He’s trying to feed me up.”
She heard the sound of her dad’s laughter in the background and wished she could relate so easily to her daughter.
“I wondered if I could come and see you sometime?”
“I’d love you to come and visit me.”
Kit tapped her on the arm.
“Just a minute.”
“We could pick her up after we’ve called on Joe.”
“Deb? We could pick you up in about an hour. I’m taking Kit to see his brother and we could swing round by Pop’s afterwards for you.”
“That’d be nice.”
When she’d put the phone down Laura asked, “Sure you don’t mind?”
“Of course not. Tell me to butt out if you want, but you didn’t seem very comfortable with her.”
“No. She was very much Daddy’s Little Princess and she’s always been a bit edgy with me. Since he died I don’t know how to deal with her.”
“She’ll be hurting.” His tone was matter-of-fact.
“Yes. But I’m getting a little tired of being the butt of her pain. Anyway, enough about my problems, I’m ready to leave now. Don’t forget your crutches. You can’t walk around for too long today.”
“I know. I’m not going to undo all the good the operations have done.” He pulled a wry face but went to get them, trying not to limp too markedly.
* * * *
They drew up outside Joe’s house just as the door opened and he came out. He stopped dead and Kit was certain this time that it was a look of panic on his face. He took a step forward, saying in a teasing voice, “If the mountain won’t come to Mohammed . . . ”
Another man came hurrying out of the door, saying, “It was on the bedside table all the time and - ” He broke off and looked from Kit to Joe, then said in quite another tone of voice. “I’m not going to be sent away like a naughty schoolboy again.”
Kit stepped forward. “Hi, Gil. Nice to see you.” He waited.
They all waited, then Joe said in a gruff voice, “You’d better come in.”
Kit turned to look questioningly at Laura, who waved one
hand as if to shoo him into the house.
Only then did Joe notice. “You’re off your crutches! Should you be?”
“Yes. I’m allowed half an hour off them for the first time today, increasing gradually. I’ll be driving again soon.”
“Good.” He shut the door. “You’d - um - better sit down.”
Gil took a seat and folded his arms, not saying anything.
Joe sat down and stared at his feet.
As the silence lengthened, Kit said gently, “I’d guessed.” He winked at Gil.
Joe looked at him in shock, drawing in a long breath that was almost a sob. “How did you guess? Is it so obvious?”
“No. Not at all. It was seeing your panic when Gil turned up the evening before I left.” He smiled apologetically at the other man. “It’s a bit more obvious with you.”
Gil shrugged, flapped one hand mockingly and said in an ultra-camp voice, “Once a queen always a queen.”
Joe’s voice came out sounding half-strangled as he tried to explain. “I didn’t want this, you know, and - ”
Kit couldn’t bear to see his suffering. “You don’t have to explain anything to me, Joe. You’re my brother whatever you do or are, and I’ll still love you. And besides, what’s wrong with being gay? I’ve got several gay friends.”
“He can’t forgive himself,” Gil said bitterly. “It’s that damned mother of yours, stuffing him full of her prejudices. How come it didn’t hit you the same way? You seem a much more free spirit.”
“I was the rebel while Joe always tried to conform. And in my job I’ve seen so many filthy things happen to nice, ordinary people that whether a man is gay or not doesn’t seem to matter that much as long as he’s a decent human being.”
Joe burst into tears and sat there, making strangled sobbing noises.
Kit looked questioningly at Gil, who gestured to him to go to Joe and left the room.
It took quite a while for Joe to calm down and even then Kit guessed that his brother was tormented internally. “Have you sought counselling?”
Joe nodded. “There’s a counselling service at church.”
“Let me guess: they advised you to fight against this?”
“How did you know?”
“Mum’s church is ultra-conservative. Other churches understand that you don’t choose to be gay - you’re born that way.”
“But I don’t want to be.”
Kit sighed. “Some things you can’t change. Do you think I want this, just when I’ve met someone special?” He slapped his thigh and scowled down at this leg.
Joe stared at him. “You - someone special? Aren’t you the one who was never going to marry?”
“Yeah. And I’m glad I didn’t before. Being a foreign correspondent isn’t a good basis for marriage. I’ve seen quite a few people break up, however much they loved one another at first. Now - well, maybe I’m ready to settle down.”
“Who is she?”
“It’s Laura, my housekeeper, and - Oh, hell, she’s been waiting outside all this time!” He looked at his brother. “I won’t bring her in now, but why don’t you and Gil come to tea one night?”
“I’ll think about it.”
“He seems a really nice guy and he obviously cares about you.”
“He is. The nicest. That’s why it’s been so difficult. I can’t just - repudiate him. I don’t want to, anyway.”
“I think love is precious wherever it comes from.” Kit stood up. “I’ll have to go.” He bent to grasp Joe’s hand. “Just accept it and get on with your life, bro.”
* * * *
Laura smiled a greeting as Kit came across the pavement.
“Sorry to keep you waiting for so long. Family crisis.”
“That’s all right. It’s nice to sit and do nothing sometimes.”
“You’re a very special lady, Laura Wells. Thanks for not getting impatient with me. It was - rather traumatic in there.”
“Anything I can help with?”
“Not really. It’s Joe, who won’t accept something.”
“That he’s gay?”
He nodded. “Is it so obvious?”
“I’d guessed from what you’d said, but when I saw his friend today, I felt pretty certain.” She pulled a wry face. “We humans are a mixed-up bunch, aren’t we?”
“Yes. But that’s what makes us so interesting.”
“It’s not always interesting to live through things.”
“No. I know.”
“How’s your leg?”
“I’ve been sitting down most of the time.” He began to feel more cheerful. “I’m only counting that as five minutes off my half-hour of freedom. Now, let’s go and pick up your daughter. I’m looking forward to meeting her.”
Laura wasn’t. She was really nervous of spending time on her own with Deb.
* * * *
Deb opened the door before Laura had time to knock. “I’m ready.”
“I’ll just say hello to Dad first.”
He came out of the kitchen and gave her a quick hug. “You’re looking well, lass.”
“I’m feeling well. Can you come out and meet Kit, just for a moment?”
He looked at Deb. “Will you keep an eye on your gran for me, love?”
She nodded.
Kit got out of the car and shook Ron’s hand. “I’m delighted to meet you, Mr Cleaton. I have to tell you that your daughter’s a treasure. I’ve never met anyone as efficient in a house and she’s a brilliant cook.”
Ron beamed. “It’s nice to hear that. I gather you’ve been in the wars lately.”
Kit looked at Laura in puzzlement and she laughed. “It means in trouble or hurt. Lancashire speak.”
“Ah yes, I remember now.” He looked down. “Yes. Unfortunately.”
He could never hide his unhappiness with his disability, Laura thought. She thought her father had sensed that unhappiness, because he patted Kit’s arm.
“There’s not many don’t have summat wrong with them, lad, as they get older.”
Kit chuckled. “Lad! I’ll have you know I’m thirty-eight. That’s not exactly a lad.”
“It is to me. Well, I’d better get back to my Pat or she’ll start fretting.”
As if to prove his point, Deb suddenly called, “Pop!” and when they turned they saw her struggling to hold her grandmother back.
Ron ran down the path and Kit followed. Between them the two men got her inside again.
Laura watched as her mother accepted Kit’s help. “Why won’t she let me near her?” she muttered.
Deb looked at her. “She doesn’t know what she’s doing.” She frowned. “I thought you were looking after an old man.”
“Kit old?” Laura laughed. “No. He was injured and is still convalescing, but he’s hardly old.”
“He’s very attractive.” The way she said it was almost an accusation.
“I suppose so.”
Once they got back to Wardle, Kit went for a rest and Laura took Deb through to the kitchen. “I thought I’d make a Caesar salad for lunch. With chicken. That way Kit can have his whenever it suits him.” She knew it was one of her daughter’s favourites.
“Oh, good! And I’ll watch carefully how you do it this time. Mine never tastes as good as yours.”
Laura was astonished to receive a compliment from her daughter, but didn’t comment. She started putting the ingredients together. “How are you getting on at Dad’s?”
Deb shrugged. “All right. But it’s a very small house, isn’t it? How on earth did four of you manage all those years?”
“We managed because it was all we had.”
“Was your sister always - strange?”
Laura pursed her lips. “Well, she was always a bit rigid about her possessions. They had to be arranged just so.”
“Angie hates living at home. Do you know, her mother even wakes her in the middle of the night sometimes and insists on cleaning her room there and then, saying it’s dirty.”
; “Poor Sue.”
“Poor Angie.”
“Yes, poor Angie too. I like her, don’t you?”
“Yeah. She’s fun to be with and Rick’s nice, but I don’t like his cousin. I met him on the plane and he was very rude to me. Ah, that’s how you do the dressing!” She leaned forward and pinched a bit of lettuce leaf, dipping it in the dressing and making an appreciative sound in her throat as she ate.
“How long are you staying in England?”
“I don’t know.”
“If you want a break any time, I’m sure Kit would let you stay overnight here.”
“Thanks. I’ll remember that.” She looked at her mother, hesitated, then said, “Sorry if I was a bit rude to you after Dad died. I wasn’t coping.”
A bit rude! thought Laura. You were appallingly rude and hurtful. But what was the use in going back over all that and breaking this fragile rapport? “I know. It was hard for us all.”
They ate lunch together and though Deb refused the French bread with her salad, she ate better than Laura had seen her doing for a while.
“Is there a bus from here to Angie’s?” Deb asked afterwards. “She said I could go over there this afternoon.”
“I’ll drive you over. It’s not far.”
“Won’t he mind?”
“Won’t I mind what?” Kit asked from the doorway.
Deb blushed. “My mother taking me across to my cousin’s house later.”
“Hey, I’m not her gaoler.”
Laura gestured to the table. “If you’ll be seated, sir, I’ll serve you.”
He grinned. “Good. I’m ravenous again. What gourmet treat am I having today?”
“Just a Caesar salad.”
He rolled his eyes. “I’m definitely going to put on weight and I’ll enjoy every minute of it.”
“We’ll leave you in peace to eat.”
“You haven’t finished your food. Unless you two need to be private? In which case I’ll eat in my room.”
“No. I just - didn’t want to disturb you.”
He gave a mock sigh. “You’re doing it again, woman, worrying.”
Deb gaped at the way they smiled at one another and said hastily, “I think I’d better buy myself a car if I’m going to stay for a while.”
