“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you, and quite frankly, I’m not ready to relive it in story. Are you okay?”
“Well, let’s see. I got here late Thursday night with your pseudo girlfriend, who, upon checking in, immediately disappeared. She returned about an hour later wanting to go to some bar. I figure what the hell. It’s New York, a semi-vacation, so I agree, even though it’s late and I had been up since five and worked all day before flying three hours, to endure an hour cab ride, and then make my way to our room. The bitch fucking leaves the bar with some guy I never saw and have no clue if she even knew. She didn’t bother telling me. She just left, Bastian. She left a bar in Manhattan with a presumed stranger. I blow her phone up for an hour before she answers to tell me she will be back to the hotel later. By the way, she didn’t come back. I didn’t hear from her again until about nine thirty tonight. Twenty-four mind-numbing hours later when she finally comes waltzing in the door, she offers no explanation, just tells me she’s a grown woman who doesn’t need a babysitter.”
“She what? Surely you just misunderstood something somewhere.” This sounds nothing like Sera. She’s never reckless like that.
“Swear to God, Bastian. The bitch needs a goddamn babysitter and it isn’t going to be me. I was completely freaked out thinking something happened to her in the twenty-four hours she was gone. She didn’t even offer an apology, instead copped an attitude when she walked in before she demanded I take her to eat.”
“Had she been drinking? That’s not like her at all, none of it is.”
“She looked like absolute hell but I can’t confirm if she’d been drinking or not but her snotty attitude didn’t change any after feeding her ungrateful ass. I’m done, B. She’s on her own the rest of this trip.”
“Is she there now?”
“No!” he hollers emphatically into the phone. “She left around eleven without so much as a goodbye or the basic human decency to tell me when she’d be back or where she was going. What the fuck do you see in her? She’s nothing like Sylvie. I don’t even see a resemblance physically anymore.”
He doesn’t really dislike Sera; he’s upset because he thought he was going to have to tell me something happened to someone else he knows I love. That alone was more than he was able to handle. Her disrespect for someone she is traveling with is more of an annoyance than anything. Nate had extended her an olive branch and she just broke the fucker and threw it in his face. He won’t offer her another one.
Okay, maybe he really does dislike her. Fuck if I know. Right now I don’t give two squirts of rat piss if he does or doesn’t.
“I don’t know, Nate. I’m starting to wonder if I really know anyone.”
“What are you talking about? Where have you been anyway?” He’s starting to calm down. Nate’s like a girl that way; he needs to get it off his chest then he’s fine. He doesn’t need a solution, just an ear to listen.
“You don’t want to know. Look, if you’re okay, I just want to go to bed and forget tonight ever happened.”
“Yeah, I’m good but how did the exhibit go?”
“Amazingly well. I’ll tell you about it tomorrow. Can you pick me up in the morning? Ferry’s been totally undependable and I don’t want to let Aaron down.”
“Yeah, I’ll come get you for breakfast around lunchtime. What’s the address?”
Address in hand, Nate handled, I throw up a little in my mouth one last time before I close my eyes.
It’s close to noon when I wake. I feel like total ass, which is putting it lightly. The remnants of last night are still fresh in my mind with the taste of vomit on morning breath. The stench of alcohol has oozed from my pores. We won’t talk about the way my head pounds, the nausea that threatens to boil over, or the overall clammy feeling challenging my equilibrium. I send Nate a text to find out how far out he is. With thirty minutes, I pray a shower and a toothbrush will make me feel halfway human. Nine hours of sleep wasn’t enough to do the trick.
Clean clothes, fresh teeth, and a cup of coffee in hand courtesy of the in-house chef, I’m close to ready to embark on the day. I beg a God I’m not sure even exists to help me make it through the next twelve hours. I groan thinking about tonight. The crowd is likely to be twice the size of last night’s and the people of a much more varied background. The conversation alone will be exhausting. I always have to be on top of my game, and play by the rules of society to attempt to be well liked so people will find favor in my art. It’s all bullshit by my estimation. Fuck, I need an attitude check before I step foot in Le Musee.
Nate doesn’t look much better than I feel. “You gonna tell me what you did last night?” he asks in the car.
“Are you ever going to shut up if I don’t?”
“Likely not.” At least he’s honest.
“I need food before I can embark on last night’s festivities. Food with copious amounts of grease.”
I can see how Nate and I might appear oddly close to an outsider. I’m definitely the girl in the fucking relationship and a seemingly pregnant one at that. The spread in front of me will either cure my hangover or bring on a bout of vomiting that will flush out any alcohol that might still linger in my system.
He gives me more time than I expect. “Spill it, Bastian. It’s obviously bad or you wouldn’t look like something the dog threw up or avoid talking about it.”
“It was just really out of character for me.”
“What was? I feel like I’m pulling teeth here. Can you give me a bone? Help me out. I don’t even know what questions to ask.”
Preparing myself mentally, I let out a long, exasperated sigh. “It started Tuesday night. Ferry kind of set me up with a girl he knows. Emily.”
“That’s great. Did you guys go out?”
“No. It wasn’t like that at all. The guy’s house we’re staying in had a lifestyle party Tuesday night. She was at the party but not with anyone. Long story short, I ended up back in her room.”
“And? Nothing you’ve said so far has ‘horrible night’ written on it. I mean other than she knows Ferry, but you already know my thoughts on him and I’m getting the impression you’re starting to feel the same.”
“And I fucked her!” My voice carries a little further than intended as other patrons scowl at me.
“Again, what’s the problem? Single guys have sex with women, Bastian. It happens.”
I shake my head, not able to convey my frustrations. “She tells me after the fact she’s fucking married. You know that’s not my scene. I never would have touched her if I had known she was even seeing someone seriously.”
“Okay, that’s not cool but on her part, not yours. How did this carry over to last night? That was four days ago.”
“I didn’t finish telling you about her marriage of convenience.” I tell him what she told me about him being gay, her preference for women, she’s a switch, et cetera. “She and her husband, David, showed up at Le Musee last night.”
“Oh shit! But you said she’d told him what her plans were before they happened, so was he cool?”
“Oh, he was cool with it. So cool with it he wanted to watch it happen again.”
“Whoa, what? A gay guy wanted to watch you fuck his lesbian wife?”
“Ironic, huh?”
“I’m thinking what’s going to be more ironic is you’re about to tell me you did it.”
Slowly, I nod my head in confirmation, unable to express the specifics of what actually happened.
“You wanna tell me the details?” He won’t pry. I know he won’t but I don’t keep secrets from Nate. This one’s huge. The question becomes how honest am I going to be.
“Not particularly.”
“But you’re going to?” He leans forward on his forearms and ignores the food in front of us.
Swallowing hard, I admit, “I don’t want you to think differently of me, Nate.”
“Damn, this must’ve been one ostentatious evening.”
“Hardly. I wish i
t had just been for show, then I could explain it away. I don’t know what the hell I was thinking, Nate. Days earlier, I fucked another man’s wife. Twice. And she sucked my dick. They offered me a ride back to Shawn’s after the opening. Liquor started flowing. By the time we got back to the house, I was pretty well lit. Actually, I was hammered when they asked me to come to their room.”
“Okay, so you went to their room and I assume you both had sex with Emily?”
I don’t know how to explain to him it was so much more than that. Sometimes it’s easier to just bite the bullet and spit it out. Remembering where I am this time, I lower my voice and say, “I enjoyed it.”
“That’s what has you so upset? You enjoyed tag teaming a woman with another guy?” He leans back in the booth and laughs at me. When he finally stops, he sees I’m not digging this moment quite as much as he is. Grinding my teeth together, I’m sure he sees the muscles in my jaw flexing. “What exactly did you enjoy?” The humor’s gone.
I drop my head in shame, unable to look at my best friend as I reveal one of two ugly truths.
“Wait, did he…” his voice trails off.
“No! No. I didn’t have sex with him or him with me. I mean not just the two of us.”
“Then why are you freaking out?”
“It was like she wasn’t there, Nate. He started off in the corner, in a chair, she rode me but faced him. Then he stood and she sucked his dick while I fucked her.”
“Okay, so she’s a little kinky.”
“She turned to face me and spread her ass for him. When he was in her…” I’m desperately trying to put this as delicately as possible, without giving him gory details. “When we were both in her, it was like she wasn’t there.”
“But she was.”
“Yeah, she was. She was between us but just physically. I could feel him inside her. It was like he was touching me. I could feel his heat, his dick on mine, stroking me.”
“And you liked it.” I watch his face for judgment but see none.
I nod. He sits silently, waiting. He knows I have more to say. He’ll wait all day for me to say it in my way, my time. Time seems to stand still, I’m not sure how much of it has passed. It could have been thirty seconds or five minutes. It’s not going to get any easier. “Our eyes locked. The moment became ours. His wife wasn’t a part of the experience. It was the most intense sexual experience I’ve ever had. Pure pleasure. Hedonistic. I loved it.”
“So what’s the problem?” He really doesn’t get it.
“We came together, for each other. It was intense. So much so as soon as it was over I had to get out. Like DEF CON FIVE. Evacuate the premises. I scrubbed my skin raw in an attempt to rid myself of the filth when I got back to my room. It’s sick.”
“So you enjoyed having sex with a woman and another man. Big deal, Bastian. It’s not like he fucked you in the ass. It was a new experience. You haven’t had many of those. Embrace them. Enjoy them. You’re making up for six years of loss.”
My frustration level is at an all time high. He can’t seem to grasp why I’m so tormented by my actions. Making it real and seething through my teeth, I release the words. “I sucked his dick, Nate!”
That did it.
That effectively silenced my best friend. I pound my fist on the table, disrupting the plates and silverware, startling him.
“You wanna get out of here?” he asks as he throws a wad of cash on the table ensuring it’s more than enough to cover the meal we didn’t eat. He doesn’t wait for an answer. I watch him scoot out of the booth. I can’t tell if it’s disgust I see, if he’s upset that he thinks I’m gay, or is as confused as I’m currently feeling. I mentally kick myself for losing touch with his reality. Not that many years ago I would have known exactly what is going through his mind. Now, I’m lost.
He doesn’t start the car. Just stares out the windshield. I do the same not wanting to push him to a point he snaps at me. He’s always my constant, my salvation. If he bails on me, I’m fucked.
After a prolonged period of time, he finally offers his answer. “It doesn’t make you gay, Bastian. I know that’s what you’re thinking. You’ve suffered for a really long time. For the first time in years, not only are you feeling again, but you’re experiencing physical satisfaction. You’re exploring who you are, testing waters. Most people do this shit in their early twenties but you had Sylvie. You’re living your teen years in your thirties. It’s okay. You’re free to be whoever you want to be. Don’t box yourself in thinking because you enjoyed a night of sexual deviance that makes you homosexual.” He stops. He pauses to ensure I hear what he says next. Turning to me, he waits until I make eye contact. “Regardless of your sexual preference, you’re my best friend. You have been since birth and you will be until death. Nothing will ever change that.”
I don’t have any words. He said the ones I needed to hear. He confirmed what I needed to know. He always has been and always will be my best friend, my brother. I bob my head in understanding and acknowledgment.
“You’ll find yourself again, Bastian. Don’t expect it to happen overnight. You’ve got a lifetime to redefine who you are without Sylvie.”
31
Desperately needing to change the subject, I ask, “Have you heard from Sera?”
“Nope. I really don’t get what you see in that girl. It’s so unlike you to be around inconsiderate people. Do you think she’ll show up at the exhibit tonight?”
“I hope so but if she doesn’t, she doesn’t.” I try to mask the disappointment I feel in her right now. This had the opportunity to create some sort of bond with Nate. She knows he’s important to me. I incorrectly assumed it would be important to her.
“Are you worried about her?”
“I’ve been worried about her but she won’t let me in to help her. She has a wall built up around that part of her life. I’ve tried chipping away at it but whatever she’s chasing she guards heavily behind those bricks.”
“You think she’s being abused don’t you?”
My eyes fill with tears. I nod, not because I think someone’s hurting her but because I know it beyond a shadow of a doubt. The thought of losing another woman I love is unbearable. The thought is always lurking in the back of my mind. I know she wants to be happy, cherished, loved, and cared for; I know I could be all of those things if she would allow me to be. I’ve never expressed these thoughts to her, never acknowledged how deep my feelings for her go. Whether it’s fear of rejection or just uncertainty, I haven’t. If I knew it would make a difference, I would put myself out there and risk everything to love again, but the uncertainty of her reaction keeps me quiet. Maybe it’s more than that. For years I’ve believed I would never be happy again because I thought it wasn’t a possibility without Sylvie. The notion that it could all just be a lie I’ve told myself breaks me as much as the reality that I could find joy again. I would have to admit I’ve wasted so many years barely surviving, but even worse would be the acknowledgement Sylvie wasn’t the end all. Somehow that would negate or diminish what I believe she was to me.
I no longer choke on the pain I’ve felt for so many years when her name comes up or a memory surfaces. Maybe Nate’s right. Maybe there’s the possibility she was only coming to me in my dreams to remind me I was still alive. Maybe she’s at peace that I no longer need her the way I have in the past. It’s entirely possible her image, her visits, they were all manifestations of my subconscious to keep me from committing suicide
“Bastian?”
Startled, I murmur, “Huh? Yeah. Sorry.”
“Where’d you go?” The worry on his face tears me apart. He endured hell to ensure I made it to see the sun set and rise again the next morning. “Sylvie?”
I have to swallow the lump in my throat before answering. “It doesn’t happen much anymore but when it does it hits hard.”
“I can only imagine.” He allows me to ponder for a few more minutes. “You ready to go in and see if this guy needs anything
for tonight?”
I answer his question by opening the car door in Le Musee’s parking lot.
Aaron loves Nate, as does everyone who ever comes into contact with him. Jokingly, he asks Nate if he happens to be an artist he can book to come back with me. “Nope, just the errand boy for this bitch,” he says, slapping me so hard on the back I almost fall over.
It’s easy to see why people naturally fall for him. He has such an easy-going personality, always willing to help, and would give a stranger the shirt off his back. I’ve seen him do it. I don’t deserve him as a friend. Hell, most people don’t. As we’re tying up what little there is to do in order to prepare for tonight, Aaron asks me, “Is Ferry bringing that girl to the show tonight?”
Puzzled, I’ve never seen Ferry with anyone in particular. I know he spends a good bit of time in the city so maybe Aaron has seen him with someone. “I don’t think he’s bringing anyone.”
“I’ve seen him out around town a couple times the last couple of days with a girl but I haven’t really gotten much of a look at her so I couldn’t begin to describe her. Both times I’ve seen them she appeared to be inebriated and he appeared to be less than pleased.”
“Sorry, Aaron. I don’t have a clue who it would be. Ferry keeps to himself. Our relationship is work oriented. We don’t hang out much.”
“Understood. See you tonight.”
In the blink of an eye, we’re back at Le Musee, arriving much earlier than I did last night. There’s a crowd waiting outside. The man at the door recognizes me, and pulls me through the swarm of people all dressed to the nines like I have a security detail. It’s a blur as woman grab at my tux, my hand, trying to pull me into them. The guy suddenly turns into two with Nate taking up the rear, surrounding me. The security guys are effectively blocking me off. The attention completely disorients me, and, once inside, Aaron apologizes profusely.
“What’s to apologize for, Aaron?” I feel like a damn rock star. Even if I don’t sell a damn thing this weekend that hundred-foot walk up the sidewalk made me feel like a million bucks.
“I should have been better prepared. There are a lot of women out there hoping to meet you, not because they’re art fanatics, but because they’re single.”
Chimera Page 20
