by Linda Ford
He waited a long silent moment but she wouldn’t meet his gaze. “I can’t help if you won’t let me.” He waited, but she refused to look at him or speak. He lifted his hands in defeat. “Goodnight.” He strode from the house, calling goodnight to the girls. He didn’t go to his jail-cell of a room but walked past the barn to the top of the hill and walked the length of it several times.
Finally, his disappointment and frustration spent, he stumbled across the darkened land to his room and stretched out on his bed without lighting the lamp.
He rose the next morning with things sorted out. She might change her mind. But until she did, they would have to continue on as they had been.
He did his few chores, spoke to Tex as he herded the cows to the water trough, and then headed to the house for breakfast. The girls waited on the doorstep eager as always to see him.
Would Agnes be glad to see him, or had his offer of marriage undone the friendship that had been steadily growing between them?
He lifted a girl in each arm, finding strength and courage in their welcome, and entered the house.
“Good morning,” he said.
Agnes studied him across the room. “Good morning.” She sounded less than certain.
“It is a fine morning,” he continued. “The sun is shining. Tex has brought the cows in to water and said he thought he would move them a little further west, let them water at the river. I told him it was a good idea. They’ll still be close to home but the grazing is better there.” He told her more of what Tex said, none of which she likely cared about, but he had to do his best to make her relax.
They sat around the table and enjoyed breakfast.
It was Hettie’s turn to bring the Bible to him. He wished he could remember where Grandfar said the verses were that he often quoted. This morning, he wanted to read a particular one that he felt would help Agnes. A thin blue ribbon poked out from the pages of the Bible and he opened the book there. And chuckled.
Lila and Hettie looked at him, their expressions full of curiosity.
They wanted an explanation.
“Things sometimes seem so random.” The girls looked confused. “That means they seem to happen for no reason with no purpose. But then something happens to prove life isn’t random at all. Today I wanted to read a verse that my grandfar often quoted but I didn’t know where to find it. But see this blue ribbon?”
They nodded eagerly and Agnes looked intrigued.
“I hadn’t noticed it before. Had you?” He directed the question to Agnes.
She shook her head.
“When I opened the Bible here, guess what I saw?”
No one answered, but three faces wore expectant expressions.
“It’s the verse I wanted to read. Isn’t that special?”
The girls nodded, but Agnes grew guarded.
“What is it?” Lila asked.
“‘There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear.’” He read the verse then looked around the table.
Hettie looked blank. Lila looked curious and Agnes stared at him, a silent challenge in her eyes.
“Grandfar said love and fear cannot be together at the same time because love can’t exist without trust and trust leaves no room for fear.” The verse had seemed so appropriate a few minutes ago, but now he wondered why he had thought it so. He had wanted her to stop fearing and start trusting him. But he didn’t need or expect love. And now he must do something to undo the damage he’d done by mentioning love.
“May the girls be excused?” he asked.
“Of course.” Her reply was polite, but carried a chill.
The girls raced outside.
He waited until the door closed behind them. “Agnes, I have no wish to make you uncomfortable or guarded around me. Can we forget about what I said yesterday and continue as we were?” Before he’d ruined everything by mentioning marriage.
“We can try.”
“Good.” He excused himself and headed outside. A few minutes later, he took Pat and Clyde and resumed plowing.
He didn’t expect Anker to come until after dinner. A knot had gripped his gut since he’d spoke to Agnes about marriage. He’d only done it to protect her and the girls, but he’d expected she would see the wisdom of his offer and agree. Sweat soaked his shirt as he worked throughout the morning, but he didn’t stop. Work was cathartic. Finally, around midmorning, the knot released. By the time the girls ran to the field to inform him dinner was ready, his mood had improved.
No one had reason to doubt that he and Agnes behaved properly. Tex could testify it was so.
He glanced toward the little grove of trees. The cows were gone. Tex had moved them toward the river.
He tended the draft horses while Lila and Hettie waited and then the three of them crossed to the house. He heard Merry crying before he opened the door.
“Feeding time?” he asked.
Agnes held the baby in one arm while she tried to prepare a bottle.
Nels crossed the floor and took the baby. His gaze collided with Agnes’s and he smiled. He knew he wasn’t mistaken in seeing relief in her eyes. Partly because he’d taken the baby, but perhaps more so that his smile had reassured her that he truly meant to continue on as they’d been doing.
She finished preparing the bottle and he fed Merry while she dished up the meal.
Mealtime was a pleasant affair with the girls chattering and the tension between Nels and Agnes gone.
He held the baby throughout the meal even after she finished the bottle. He continued to hold her and make funny noises to amuse her as Agnes and the girls did dishes.
Agnes jerked toward the window at the sound of an approaching wagon. “Here they come.” She spoke calmly, but he heard the tension in her voice.
“You’ll enjoy a visit with Lena.”
Agnes gave him a look so full of disbelief that he laughed. He handed Merry to her and went out to greet the company.
Agnes clung to the comfort of the warm little body as she stood back from the window where she could see, but not be seen. Anker jumped from the wagon, helped Lena to the ground, and then lifted Charlie down.
Anker spoke to Lena and she turned toward the house.
Charlie saw the girls and hung back. Lena took his hand and led him to where Lila and Hettie played. She squatted down and spoke to her son and then the girls. All three nodded. Lena waited to see if Charlie would be content to stay with the girls. When she saw he was, she looked toward the house.
Agnes sucked in a deep breath. No one had asked her if she wanted company. She would have welcomed it except for the threat that hung over her head waiting to descend.
Perfect love casts out fear.
She’d wondered at Nels’s choice of a verse to read. Her love for Ray had not been enough. Would her love for the girls prove just as inadequate?
The difference was she did not have Truman to oppose her. She didn’t expect she would ever see the man again. Would Nels defend her if accusations came?
She had no time to think the question through. She hurried to the door to welcome Lena. “Hello, come right in.”
Lena glanced toward the children and, seeing Charlie was content, followed Agnes to the kitchen. Agnes put Merry in the nearby cradle, served coffee and cookies, and sat across from the woman, wondering what they would talk about.
“It’s nice to have Nels back home,” Lena said.
Agnes forced herself not to look around the house. “He lives in the little shed.” Nels’s Place. She smiled as she recalled the pleasure she’d had decorating it.
“I know. He said.”
“Did he tell you he hired a cowboy to herd his cows?”
“No, but then we didn’t have a chance to visit yesterday. He said he had to get home and check on things.”
Agnes could almost hear Lena’s thoughts. What did he have to check on if he had someone looking after his cows?
“He and Tex were in discussion about something. A decision to mo
ve the cows further west, I believe.”
“Tex? Now there’s a good cowboy name.”
“He looks like he’s spent forty years or more in the saddle.” She described Tex and Lena chuckled.
They talked about the children. Lena was pleased to hear they were doing well. “It hurts to lose your parents.”
“I know. Mine died when I was thirteen.”
“I was raised an orphan.” Lena went on to detail her past.
Having something in common went a long way toward easing Agnes’s tension.
“Say, you probably never heard…” Lena sounded pleased with the news she was about to impart.
Agnes stiffened, wondering if the woman was wont to gossip. If so, what would she say about Agnes?
Lena continued. “They have hired a teacher. She’s to arrive soon.”
“That is good news. They finished the schoolhouse just in time.” Good news, too, to know it was bona fide news and not gossip the woman relayed.
“Grassy Plains is becoming more civilized,” Lena said.
Agnes detected an unhappy note in Lena’s voice. “Isn’t that a good thing?”
“For most people, it is. But it might not be for my Charlie. There are many who look at him and see only that he has native blood in his veins. I fear he might face hard times because of it.”
Agnes’s heart went out to the worried mother and the innocent boy. “Life isn’t always fair, but at least he has the Hansen family to take his side.” She’d had no one.
Anker and Nels joined them for more coffee and cookies. Agnes called the children in to share in the snack. Charlie and Hettie chatted away, seeming to understand each other perfectly.
As soon as Anker finished his coffee, he pushed back from the table. “We will say goodbye.”
“Do come again,” Agnes said even though she had no right to issue the invitation, seeing as it was Nels’s house and his family.
“I will,” Lena said, and if anyone else noticed that she hadn’t spoken for Anker as well, no one mentioned it. But it made Agnes feel as if Lena saw her as a friend.
She joined Nels at the doorway, the girls at their side, to wave them off.
Nels smiled at her after the dust of the wheels hid the wagon from sight. “You seem to have enjoyed the visit.”
“I did. Lena is a nice person. Of course, I knew that, but knowing her as one of the farm women visiting town and entertaining her as a neighbor are quite different.”
He squeezed her shoulders. “I’m glad you found the visit to your liking.” With a merry whistle he brought the horses from the barn and returned to plowing. Because of all the interruptions of chasing his cows, he was only about half done with what he’d told her he wanted to do.
She cleaned the kitchen then went to the garden. She put Merry on a blanket to sleep while Hettie and Lila played nearby. She started at one end of a row of potatoes and began to dig them. There was a good crop despite the neglect of the summer.
She straightened and looked Nels’s direction. He had paused from his work and glanced her way. They were too far apart for her to see his expression or for him to see hers, but he lifted his hat and waved. Smiling, she waved back.
Things were good the way they were. Any change was unnecessary and frightening.
But—she confessed with a tremor of fear—being the way they were was fraught with dangers.
The afternoon passed quickly as she filled gunny sacks with potatoes until time to stop and feed the baby then start supper. She left the sacks in the garden intending to take them to the root cellar after the meal.
As she prepared food, she listened to Nels bring in Pat and Clyde. He whistled as he worked. At least he appeared not to bear any ill will because she had turned down his offer of marriage.
If he knew the whole truth—the ugly stories Truman told and the disgrace of divorce—he would never have asked her.
He came to the house with Hettie and Lila at his side. “I’ll put the potatoes in the root cellar after supper.”
Agnes struggled with insisting she could do it or gratefully thanking him. The first came from the years of hearing admonitions to do her work. She no longer had to listen to that voice. “Thank you.”
Nels said grace and then helped the girls dish up. “A few more days and I will be finished breaking what I wanted to do this fall. Getting Tex to help was a good move.”
A few minutes later, the meal over, Nels leaned back. “It’s too early for the girls to go to bed and too nice an evening to waste. Soon enough we’ll be shut in with snow and cold.”
Agnes gathered up the dishes and hurried to the cupboard to begin washing them. It was hard enough now to maintain proper distance between them without him hinting at doing things together.
What would they do during the long winter evenings?
She tried to deny the anticipation racing through her at having someone to share the time with.
Nels joined her at the cupboard. “Let’s play hide and seek with the girls.”
The girls shrieked approval at his suggestion.
He grabbed a towel and dried the dishes as she washed them.
“We’ll stay close to the house so we’ll hear Merry when she wakens,” he said.
Agnes knew she should refuse, but she couldn’t. She convinced herself it was because of the girls’ excitement.
They finished the dishes. Agnes checked on the baby and then they went outside.
“I’ll be it first. I’ll count to fifty.” Nels started counting out loud.
Agnes and the girls hurried to hide.
There were few places to get out of sight in the open prairie but Agnes went around the barn. Hettie squatted down behind the water trough. Agnes couldn’t see where Lila hid.
“Ready or not, here I come.”
The thud of his footsteps warned her of his direction toward Hettie. The little girl giggled.
“Now let’s find those other two.”
A moment later, Agnes heard him find Lila and more giggling.
Then it grew quiet. She waited, hardly daring to breathe. Where were they?
She edged along the wall. They weren’t where she could see them. She moved further until she reached the corner that allowed her to see the house. Lila and Hettie stood on the doorstep, their hands covering their mouths to contain their giggles. They stared toward Nels’s shed.
What was going on? She considered moving ahead more but she wouldn’t have a chance at remaining out of sight if she did so. If she backtracked she could peak around the far corner and see the shed. She tiptoed back to the corner and eased around.
“Gotcha,” Nels shouted.
She startled so badly she grabbed his arms for support. “You scared ten years out of me.”
He steadied her. “Aw, I wouldn’t want to do that. Maybe I can give them back.”
“How is that possible?” She clung to him, waiting for her rapid heartbeat to subside.
“This might help.” He leaned forward and brushed a kiss on her lips.
She stepped back and stared at him.
He adjusted his hat and looked everywhere but at her. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to do that. I got caught up in the game.”
Her mouth had grown so dry she almost choked. “Nels, this is no game.”
“I know. What can I say except I’m sorry? It won’t happen again. I promise.”
“I thought I could trust you.” She told herself she hadn’t enjoyed it. But her heart did not believe her. Something had shifted between them. Perhaps had been changing all along.
She was foolish to think she could share meals, play games with him and the girls, enjoy afternoons and evenings with a man like Nels, and not be drawn to him. He offered the things she longed for. Home. Security. Acceptance. Things she could not have.
“I need to go check on Merry. You keep playing with the girls.” She hurried to the house.
If he knew the truth about her, would there still be acceptance?
9
Nels played with the girls for half an hour longer then sent them to the house. Much of the fun had gone from the game, taken by his own foolish behavior. If only he could undo those few moments when he’d kissed her. As he said, he’d been caught up in the moment, enjoyed surprising her. But he had to be honest with himself and admit he was perhaps getting a little too fond of her. He liked having her in his house, sharing the care of the children when he could.
He remembered the bags of potatoes she’d dug and carried them into the dark root cellar. When the last sack was inside, he stood in the damp, musty-smelling room, his head brushing the roof, and tried to sort out his thoughts.
If he continued to do stupid things she would leave, and rightly so. His behavior was inappropriate, especially considering their situation.
It should be him that left—but he couldn’t. He’d already decided that. Yet, he couldn’t remain and ignore them. His fondness for the girls and Agnes made that impossible.
There was only one thing he could do. The thing he’d been taught his entire life. Live with honor and treat Agnes with honor.
He fell to his knees on the damp ground. “Lord, forgive me for giving in to my foolish urges. Grant me strength to live as I must.” Rising, he left the root cellar, closing the door firmly to keep the place cool. He could do what he must do.
The next morning, he had to find a way to give Agnes assurance of his commitment to honoring her.
He went to the house and stood in the doorway, hat in hand. Would she ask him to stay away? Or would she pack up and leave,? Where would she go? He’d asked around, as had she, and there were no unoccupied houses in town or the outlying area.
She stood with her back to the cupboard, a wooden mixing spoon in her hand. As if she thought she might need it to protect herself.
Hettie and Lila sat at the table, looking from Nels to Agnes, clearly aware of the tension.
“I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. I’m sorry.”
The girls’ eyes grew wide as saucers.
“Agnes, I prefer to say what I have to say without an audience. Would you step outside with me?” He waited.
