by Sarah Cole
“Ok, let’s have a look here!” the nurse technician says, spreading the gel on Erica’s belly.
“There she is! Looks like she wants to cooperate with us this morning!” the nurse says cheerfully as my daughter’s squished face comes into view, and I feel like time slows. She’s so perfect and one hundred percent mine. There’s no questioning DNA just by looking at her. Even in the squished, distorted picture, she looks just like me, and all of a sudden this becomes very real for me, and I know that there will never be anything that matters more to me than being a father.
2
CLARA:
“Are you absolutely sure you’re making the right decision, Clara?” My best friend, Emily, asks as I submit my final exam and shut my laptop. Now all I do is wait for the grade, and I will officially have my teaching degree. I know it’s not a matter of failing because I have a four- point-oh. It’s the stress of everything else I have to do that’s getting to me.
She and Landon, our fabulous partner in crime, let themselves into my apartment. They’re supposed to be helping me pack, but I’d be surprised if they didn’t come here to try and convince me to stay. We all met while filming In Lights, and I can say without a doubt that is one of the only positive things that show ever brought me. I have two amazing friends am lucky enough to dance alongside them for weeks on end. They weren’t raised around here, and it’s completely obvious in everything that they do.
“Ems….” I start.
“No, Clara. She has a good point. Really. Have you really thought about all that you’re giving up? Everything you’re risking?” Landon pipes in, flopping on my fluffy pink duvet in his all perfectly styled athletic attire. He’s just come from the dance studio, but you can’t tell since not a perfectly styled hair is out of place.
I understand that they care, and genuinely want the best for me, but this question has been asked and answered more times that I can count at this point.
“You guys, you know I love you. I do, and I appreciate your concern, but my answer hasn’t changed. Am I certain of what I’m doing? Definitely not; I know I’m taking a giant leap of faith here, but do I believe deep down it’s the right choice? Undoubtedly.” I wedge my body between theirs at the foot of my bed, and they immediately wrap their arms around me. I think about it for a minute. I mean, really, I’m not giving much up. Material things maybe, but nothing that actually matters.
“We’re going to miss you so much.” Emily sniffles into the hair on top of my head. She has a good five inches on me in height, and I’m insanely jealous of how her body moves on the dancefloor. All long and graceful lines, with pretty naturally blonde hair. She looks like a Disney princess.
“I’m going to miss you both, too. I’ll come back to visit, and you guys are more than welcome to come stay with me there.” I say, trying my best to comfort them. Over the past couple of years, we really have grown quite close and I honestly don’t know how I would have kept going if it weren’t for them and the love they shared with me.
“Where are you going again? I mean I know its Nowheresville…” Landon jokes.
“Oh hush!” I laugh. “To a little town my Dad grew up in, called Stockbridge.” I sigh, closing my eyes and picture the brick paved streets, and quaint little shops I remember as a little girl.
“Why in the heck would you choose there? Georgia, you said, right?” He acts offended, but I know he’s just playing.
“You clearly don’t listen, Lanny.” Emily releases me with a sigh, and lays back, sinking into the fluffy covers.
“I’m just going to where I remember being happy.” I say honestly. “I wasn’t very old, but I remember going to visit my Nana there when I was a little girl for a month or so every summer. There were little shops, and the people were nice and polite… they actually talked to each other and there were parades on holidays, and kids played outside… it was… perfect.” I reminisce.
All of this is true, and sometimes I wonder how my family got to where we are considering where my father started in life. My father moved to LA permanently after college to work in the entertainment industry and he never really looked back. He met my mother, a model, and the daughter of an old-time Hollywood actress on a set one day, and the rest was history. They appeared to be Hollywood’s golden couple – bourgeoning industry mogul and the beautiful daughter of the one and only, Katherine Kline. They had the perfect life, and perfect son, and two perfect daughters. At least until my mother’s vices became more and more apparent. She suffered greatly in the clutches of alcoholism, but not before turning bitter and resentful towards her children. Because obviously, we ruined her life and her body and therefore, her career. I think at first my father tried, but then grew just as resentful before giving up on her and his family completely.
My father used to send us to visit my Nana, his mother, when we were little. Since my Grandfather had long since passed, she welcomed the company with open arms and showed us the little things about life we were oblivious to living in the shadows of Hollywood’s glaring spotlight. It was the little things in life like, sleeping on the screened in porch, getting ice cream from a truck, waving a sparkler on the Fourth of July, and running through sprinklers in your underwear. I yearned for those few weeks all year long, until we just stopped going. I later came to find out that she and my parents had a disagreement on how we were being raised, and rather than making amends, my father shut her out and denied her the right to see her only grandchildren.
A couple of years later, I overheard my father in his office talking about her passing. I begged to go to her, to say goodbye… but once again I was ignored. I couldn’t very well board a plane and fly cross country by myself at twelve, but it didn’t stop me from trying. I was grounded indefinitely for that maneuver, and to some extent I still feel like I’m grounded. The relationship with my father has never been the same since, but then again, he hasn’t been the same. I suppose money, fame and losing your mother and wife within a few short years of each other is enough to harden any heart. Especially one that was already calloused to begin with.
The snapping of fingers and giggling breaks me from my trance.
“Dude, you zoned out!” Emily laughs, and I realize I’m just staring slack jawed out my window like a real winner.
“Sorry, I just have a lot on my mind.” I smile, walking over to my now half empty closet surveying what can go into boxes next.
“It’s ok boo. What can my manly muscles help you with?” Landon asks flexing arms, making Emily and I laugh.
“Honey, that’s just about the only manly thing on you!” Emily jokes, and Landon waggles his eyebrows. Goodness, I’m going to miss them.
FLYNN:
I settle back into the large sectional in my living room with a heavy sigh. I twist the cap off of my beer, taking a long pull and set it on the coffee table, relishing this rare moment of relaxation. I feel like since my last and final tour ended, I have been on the go non-stop. I could say that comes with inheriting the family business, and I will. Because admitting to the real reasons for my busy as fuck schedule isn’t going to happen. I just know I need to stay busy, distracted, and exhausted. I know once my little angel makes her debut, something in my schedule’s going to have to give, and I think the slower pace is what terrifies me more than anything. That’s when I remember everything I wish I could forget, but for right now, I’ve got to keep moving.
I came home and hopped head first into where my father left off with Alexander & Co. Construction. He built this company from the ground up with his bare hands and sweat, and like hell I’d let anyone else handle it. I’d like to say that I am grateful that my Dad left his legacy to me, but it’s bittersweet. I’d appreciate it more if he were here to give me some guidance, and to actually witness his pride in me firsthand. Sometimes I still find myself forgetting that both of my parents are gone. Sometimes I drive up the driveway to this big ass house and still expect to see my mom busying herself in the flower beds, but I’m quickly reminde
d as I take in the quiet emptiness that now fills my family home. I was away from home for so long, and I never knew this place without their love filling it up. It’s hard to grieve when you don’t know of their passing until days after it happens and you’re neck deep in sand trying to hold down a safe territory against terrorists.
I lay my head back against the soft cushion, pulling another long drink from the cold bottle and shake my thoughts from the heavy shit. This is how I get myself in trouble. Just as I’m ready to throw a steak on the grill and turn the baseball game on, my phone beeps with the emergency alert for the volunteer fire department. I spring into action, adrenaline burning through my system as I snag my keys and wallet from the coffee table. I’m already heading to my truck as my phone rings.
“This is Flynn.” I answer, skipping the pleasantries.
“Hey Xander, its Hank.” My old high school football coach and Fire Chief responds, still using the nickname I carried throughout school.
“Hey Coach. Where do you need me?”
“It’s the Millers’ main warehouse. Pretty big, and the trucks already left. Can you just drive straight there?” He asks.
“Sure thing; be there in about ten minutes. What about gear?”
“Don’t worry about it. The guys at the station grabbed the extra gear. You’re all set.”
“See you there.” I say, hanging up and tossing the phone in the passenger’s seat of my new cherry red, Ford Superduty.
I don’t miss being overseas, but I do miss the adrenaline and the rush of the fight. This is the closest thing I have now- fighting fires. Before going into the Army, I never thought I’d say that. That is the sole reason I had for joining. Exploration and an opportunity; a chance to see more and be more than I’d been up until that point in my life. I craved to see the world, even if it was just a shit smelling dust bowl for ninety percent of my enlistment, but the world nonetheless.
I needed a chance to better myself because I know I screwed up. I jacked around in high school with an overly inflated ego, thinking just because I was quarterback for the varsity team, Georgia Tech would just come knocking on my door with a full ride in hand. I didn’t think twice about partying or heeding my parents’ warnings about the importance of studying and good grades. Instead, I lived it up. I lived it up until everyone else already had their direction and their plans set, then I stood there with my dick in my hand looking like a big idiot while trying to ignore the disappointment in my parents’ eyes. My parents tried for so long to have children, and finally in their forties, they were blessed with one. Me. Except, I was a disappointment. They’d never voice it; never show me anything but the love they had for me, but I knew it. I knew deep down they wished I’d done better, been better. So, I vowed from that day forward, I’d make them proud.
The Army was my way out, a chance to make something better of the situation that I put myself in. So, I enlisted. I worked my way up in ranks, becoming a Major before the age of thirty. My parents finally seemed proud of something, truly proud of me. But my proudest moment by far was working my ass off in online courses while deployed, and earning my degree in Structural Engineering. An accomplishment my Mom never got to see. She passed away from a massive heart attack while I was away. Dad was beyond proud of me, knowing full and well the reason behind my major of choice was to make him proud and continue running his construction company when he couldn’t. About a year ago, my father passed away in his sleep unexpectedly. The town’s people like to speculate, but I know it was of a broken heart. He thought he’d lost me, and he’d already lost my mom, so he didn’t have much left. The way he loved my mother, was something that movies are based on…unconditionally and unapologetically. He always told me someday I’d understand, and would always say, “Son, watch how I love your mother.” And I did… I watched every day, and thanks to my Dad, I know that is what I want. I just haven’t found it yet, and don’t know if I ever will in this town.
***
“So, you’re little one is due here in a few weeks, huh?” My friend, Lucas, asks as we reel in the heavy fire hose.
It only took about four hours to get the fire under control to where the full-time guys could handle it on their own. Since the warehouse is in the middle of a field, no other structures were in immediate danger. We think it was old wiring that caused the initial spark, but it’s still a damn shame that all of Mr. Miller’s equipment is unsalvageable.
“Yeah she is. I’m getting pretty nervous. I have no idea what in the hell I’m doing.” I admit.
“Ah, I hear ya brother. Don’t worry, her Mama will know what to do. Women just have this way. You know? It’s like they just kind of grow a super power during childbirth and all of a sudden know how to be a parent. You’ll catch up. You and Erica have a name picked out yet?” he asks rambling on. I know he’s just trying to make small talk, but dammit if he didn’t just drive the final nail of insecurity into the coffin.
“Uh, actually no.” I sigh. “I have no idea how you haven’t heard this yet, because everyone else sure as shit has, but Erica isn’t sticking around. She’s waiving her parental rights, so it will just be me and the little lady.” I say, not meeting his eyes. I’m not sure why I’m embarrassed by this situation. I’m as proud as can be to be a Daddy, but Jesus, it’s tough trying to explain to people why her Mama doesn’t want to be in the picture.
“Oh no, man. I’m sorry, I hadn’t heard.” He shakes his head, and I can see him regretting asking questions, “Maggie and I try not to listen to all that busy body chatter around here. ‘Ain’t but a fraction true most of the time, but you got this. Being a Dad is awesome, and if you ever need anything at all, you just call us. You have my number.” He snaps the lock back on the end of the hose and hops from the back of the truck, his boots thudding heavily on the wet pavement.
He and his wife, Maggie, are good people; been together since junior high, and have the cutest set of twin boys that are about a year old now. We would hang out from time to time in high school, but he was mellower than I was and had a plan and direction. We drifted apart when he left and went to school to become an architect, and I enlisted. I’m proud of him though. He’s done well building a name for himself. We’ve actually used him for Alexander & Co. projects before, and the guy is good.
“No worries. I’m just shittin’ bricks because I know it’s coming and I’ve read everything about it, but I still feel like I’m flying blind here.” I say, unsnapping my overalls, letting them fall around my waist. Even though its ten o’clock at night, the temperature is still balmy, making everything feel twice as heavy.
“Dude, don’t beat yourself up. I was the same way. And I don’t mean to make you crazy about it, but no amount of reading is going to prepare you for that. Just know you aren’t going to break her. There didn’t used to be all the stuff they have now, and people lived. I mean, hell, look at us… I don’t think my parents ever even used a car seat… and here I am!” He laughs heartily, smacking his broad chest with both hands, and I can’t help but to laugh with him. I haven’t had a chance to really catch up with any of my old buddies since being back, but I can see he is still a cool as I remember.
“You figured out childcare yet?” he asks, as he continues to throw tools into a toolbox.
I look up from the equipment I’m securing to ask, “What?”
“Childcare? You know, who’s going to watch the little peanut while you’re at work?” he laughs, like I’m completely clueless. I suppose I am in this regard.
“Shit! I honestly haven’t even considered that!” I exclaim, rubbing my forehead, and it’s true. I’ve been trying to get all the basics the books say, and researching online, but that never crossed my mind.
“That my friend, is the hardest part! Maggie went back to work for a while at the hospital, but the hours were killing her, and with me volunteering here at the fire department, we just decided she should stay home. Good luck, man!” He comes around to land a heavy pat on my shoulder.
“Well you’ve got Helping Hands Daycare over on Sycamore Street, but they rarely have spots open, or you’ve got in home care. Then of course there’s Mrs. Bowman…” he laughs like it’s the funniest thing in the world. In a way, it is considering old Mrs. Bowman is approximately ninety-three, mean as a junkyard dog, and chain-smokes her way through her days. That being said, I’m pretty sure all of our parents were desperate enough at one time or another to dial her up for help.
“You’re hysterical, man.” I shake my head.
“In all seriousness, your best bet is to put an ad in the paper or on one of those care sites. You have to have a clean record and all that jazz.”
“Ok then. Thanks for the info.” I say, stowing the rest of my gear.
“No problem, man. You’ll figure it out.” He calls, heading to his own truck. I know he’s right because Idon’t really have any other choice.
3
CLARA:
Driving across the country is no big deal. I’m from LA, and the traffic there is what nightmares are made of. Those were the motivational pep talks I kept giving myself as I drove alone for hours on end. Things that never crossed my mind in regards to this trip were as follows: limited amounts of gas stations and hotels on the scenic route I chose, biker club houses (which are indeed a very real thing, and I should warn you, are not rest stops unless you want to become someone’s “old lady.” Yeah, I was truly asked that.), wildlife (I’m not even sure if that was a deer or an elk … but it held little regard for the rules of the road and the steep incline I was descending), and not to mention my overly tense, sore muscles from clinging to my steering wheel like it was my last lifeline for the past four days. Oh, and flat tires.
