by Mima
He silently nodded and watched her get into bed and lay on her side, with her back to him. Removing his sneakers, he felt slimy as he crawled in beside her, even though absolutely nothing sexual was taking place between them. It was when he heard a stifled cry that his apprehension disappeared and he laid behind her, his arm wrapped around her fragile frame, he pulled her close and stared at the ceiling as the scent of her hair filled his lungs. He briefly closed his eyes and opened them again and awkwardly placed his right arm over his head and on the pillow. He would stay until she fell to sleep and would sneak out.
Closing his eyes for a moment, he felt his phone vibrate in his jeans and ignored it. Nothing else mattered at that moment. He pulled Maggie a little closer and she seemed to comfortably mold into his arms, seamlessly as if it were the most natural thing in the world. He could hear the sound of a Pink Floyd song drift through his head, the same music that had been playing on the radio during the drive to her house. Suddenly feeling relaxed, mellow, his thoughts drifted off, no longer mattering in that moment; nothing else did.
It was when he awoke in the middle of the night to a ringing cell phone that it occurred to him that maybe he had to work and had forgotten? It was Tuesday night, right? Shuffling around carefully, not wanting to wake Maggie, he pulled the phone out of his pocket as it stopped ringing. He noted that there were several text messages and they alluded to the same thing.
He was now a father of a baby boy.
…and why the fuck wasn’t he at the hospital right now?
He felt his hand shake as if a bucket of ice had been thrown on him. He slowly rose from the bed, glancing back at Maggie, who continued to sleep. Sitting on the edge of the bed, he knew he would never again feel the way he had that night. The innocent beauty of lying there, unconditional love that flowed through him, it was something that was only a naive dream and real life was about to begin. And the next chapter of his life wasn’t going to be something he could’ve ever predicted.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
Leland. Chase wasn’t sure how he felt about his son’s name, but he immediately knew how he felt about the child. Despite the anger he had toward his family, Audrey, and life in general, there was something inside that melted when he looked in his son’s eyes. Although he had heard many times that there was no greater love than that between a child and parent, he had never fully believed it until the moment when he first held Leland. So small, fragile, yet strong in his presence, his son’s eyes seem to beg for his indifferences with Audrey to disappear, no longer relevant, it was water under the bridge.
For the first time since moving in with his wife to be, Chase actually spent some time in their shared home. He still slept on the couch but he didn’t hesitate to jump up the second he heard his son cry. It didn’t matter what time or what he wanted, it was almost as if he unconsciously went to him, blindly with no concern for anything else. It wasn’t until one day while soothing the crying baby that he turned to catch Audrey watching in the doorway and he realized that she had him exactly where she wanted him. This was her trap and he felt some of his original resentment return.
It was difficult to separate his relationship with Audrey and the one he had with his son. He wasn’t sure where the lines in the sand were or how he could continue one while ending the other. He didn’t want to marry Audrey. He didn’t love her. However, he wanted his son in his life and after a great deal of thought, he confronted her with these feelings. It was time to end this situation and figure out something that would make them both happy. Having just passed his 19th birthday, he thought it was a pretty mature decision for him to make. Audrey didn’t agree.
“You can’t leave me now,” Her words were more of a demand, rather than a suggestion and he recognized the fury that swam in her green eyes. Lines formed around her mouth as her lips pursed tightly together, she placed one hand on her hip. “We have a child together, I need you here to help out.”
Chase didn’t reply but instead watched her walk out of the room.
The months passed and little changed. He worked two jobs, came home and helped with Leland; who turned out to be one of the few bright spots in his life. He loved watching his transformation from a delicate infant to a capable child, slowly learning the simple things in life, always in awe of his own abilities or the world around him. It was amazing how little it took to make a baby happy and yet, how much it took to make an adult experience even half the joy.
Chase did enjoy his jobs, but things were slowly starting to change as springtime slipped into summer. His affair with Claire heated up to its most powerful intensity shortly after Leland was born, only to start to fade out shortly afterward. Meanwhile, the university girls were back in town and although he rarely mixed business with pleasure, they were starting to flood both the gym and bar and he was tempted. They were so fresh, full of ambition and they represented a positive, bright spot that he couldn’t obtain in his own life but perhaps, could share with them in a few brief moments.
He was careful, choosing girls that appeared rational, leaning more toward the girl next door types who seemed harmless, only looking for some summer fun because that was all he could offer. There was one in particular that captivated him, a woman in her early twenties with curly caramel hair, with hints of red hidden in the many layers. Her brown eyes were huge, staring into his every time she approached the door to Ricky’s, always insisting she was the designated driver, therefore he allowed her to enter for free. He knew she wanted him and through casual conversation, he suggested she drop by the bar later that night after it closed.
Like Claire, she wasn’t shy about what she wanted, taking over their every encounter, lost in her own little world, almost like he wasn’t a part of it at all; other than his dick. Not that it was a huge deal, it struck him as a bit strange. She was sexy, but not in a super thin, delicate way, but rather slightly curvy with very pale, soft skin. Her passion was insane and he was slightly relieved that the bar was empty and not close to any other homes because she was also very loud, whether it was her sexual demands or pleasure, she certainly wasn’t timid.
Things got a little more interesting at the bar that summer. Just as Bud had suggested, many tourists wandered in and a lot of minors begged to get in the door. It was the night that Maggie’s younger sister, Kelsey attempted to get past Chase that really surprised him. Bold in her attempts, the 15-year-old stunned him when she suggested she would ‘make it worth his while’ if he allowed her in the bar. When he laughed and shook his head no, she pouted and complained that he should be considerate since he was best friends with her older sister.
“If not more…”
“We’re just friends,” Chase continued to be humored by her immature attitude, as he glanced at the two guys behind Kelsey, clearly much older. Definitely too old to be hanging around a 15-year-old.
“Right, that’s why you spent the night with her that time?” Kelsey raised one of her overly manicured eyebrows, attempting to get his goat. “No one really believes you’re just friends.”
“Well, we are,” He calmly replied, unable to control the smile from forming on his face. “You’re 15, Kelsey, get the fuck out of here.”
He made sure to make the comment loud enough for the two guys behind her to hear, before shooting them a warning glance that wasn’t so kind. They seemed to get the message, quickly insisting they had no idea of her age and suggesting perhaps they should part company. He wasn’t so sure that this was true but he hoped it was and quickly text the information to Maggie.
She still worked at the same store that she had since high school but growing restless, she had recently started to look for a new job. Chase had suggested the bar and although she seemed hesitant about the atmosphere, she did appear comforted by the fact that they’d work together. Bud had met her a couple of times and seemed keen on the idea of teaching ‘the pretty little thing’ bartending, even offering to pay a cours
e if she was interested. Chase sincerely hoped she’d considered it because he worried about her working alone at the store. Reports of robberies in nearby locations concerned him, however, he knew sharing these worries would only make her more determined to stay.
Where his life used to center on fitness, his focus was now his son. He still worked out regularly and was in phenomenal shape, but he no longer considered learning mixed martial arts to possibly compete. It was more of a casual thing now but when asked what he wanted to do with his life, he didn’t dare answer. He felt his dreaming days were long over. His dreams of moving, his dreams of career success, his dreams of Maggie; they were nothing more than fantasies that were unreachable.
Life was uneventful and sometimes when he was alone in his own space at the bar, he felt a sense of misery that was more of a life partner than an occasional visitor. He was going through the motions of life and really, wasn’t everybody? He looked around him and saw Maggie doing the same, unfulfilled and sad. Her aspirations for the RCMP seemed to be slow moving, her social life almost non-existent.
“Just another reason to take up Bud’s offer to work at the bar,” Chase coaxed her on a Sunday afternoon, as she hung around the gym before her shift at the store. “Great tips, it’s busy, so your nights will go faster. Maybe you’ll meet…someone?”
A small smile embraced her face. “Maybe. But most of the lesbians around here are total bull dykes. If I wanted a woman that looked like a man, I would just date a man.”
“I think there’s probably one, obvious difference,” He teased.
“Barely,” She laughed with him. “I’m attracted to women that look like women. Who aren’t butch, but have a softer side. If I wanted to date a masculine woman, I’d just date you.” She teased.
Chase laughed heartily, “I would rock your world!” He was only half joking. The idea of hooking up with Maggie never escaped him. He was intensely attracted to her and found himself comparing other girls to his best friend but no one was ever close either in physical features or personality. Her sister was the closest in appearance, but clearly, he wasn’t about to hook up with a kid, nor was her personality anywhere close to Maggie’s.
“I’m sure you would,” She raised an eyebrow and quickly looked away and for a brief moment, he wondered if she was actually considering it. She left shortly after but this possibly continued to swim through his head. Was there any attraction on her end. It seemed like a ridiculous question to even ponder, considering she was honest about her preference, but did she maybe consider it? Even to just mess around a bit? Did she ever get horny and want to hook up with someone? Were girls like that?
By the time he got to the bar, he somehow managed to convince himself that it was a possibility and maybe, he could carefully ease into the topic. What if she dropped by the bar some evening and had a couple of drinks and hung out with him in his hideaway afterward, would something develop between them? He had to push the thoughts out of his head, it was starting to distract him and at the bar, he couldn’t ever be distracted.
Except something was different that night. When he arrived, the two students were covering the door and told him to go inside, that Bud wanted to see him. Briefly afraid that maybe he was in trouble, he racked his brain to figure out what could be wrong but couldn’t think of anything.
In his office, he noted right away that Bud was acting a little nervous, like someone who was in a vulnerable situation. He quietly entered the room and closed the door without saying a thing and sat across from his boss.
“Chase, you’ve been here a while now and I like to think you’re more part of the inner circle than just an employee,” He gestured toward the closed door behind Chase. “It takes a bit of time to develop that kind of trust, as you can image, but I feel strongly you can contribute much more to this business.”
He nodded.
“I haven’t been completely straight with you about a few things. This bar,” He extended his arms out. “This is part of many things I do here. It’s legal, on the up and up, but there are other side projects that I work on, you might say extra activities.”
“Okay.”
He felt an awkwardness as Bud turned the computer monitor toward him to display a frozen scene in a porn. He quickly recognized the location as that same office, but the actors were unfamiliar to him. “We sometimes shoot films here. Adult films. I got a brother in Edmonton that has a company, his customers ask for different things and we try to find the people who are interested in maybe making some extra money and having some fun at the same time.”
“Okay.” Chase wasn’t sure what else to say. “You want me to help set up things or do camera or something.”
“Something like that,” Bud said and stood up and gestured for him to follow to the back room, his hideaway, and opened the door. A very attractive, naked woman about his age stood on the other side. Wearing only heels and two red ribbons in her hair, she looked almost as apprehensive as him, although glancing over his body, it was clear her comfort level was increasing. Was it his imagination or did she kind of look like Maggie? His dick started to get hard, as the thoughts of earlier in the day began to surface. He barely heard what Bud was saying.
“The big demand now,’ He spoke quietly behind a dumbstruck Chase, “is something called Gonzo films, like the first person perspective, if you will. This pretty little thing will….help you out” Bud placed a camera in his hand and slipped out the door, closing it as the woman approached him. Glancing down, Chase saw the camera was already recording. He wanted to say something, but his voice seemed to get caught in his throat. Had he had time to think about it, he would’ve been nervous, but his thoughts were only on the woman who approached him; perfectly shaped breast, trim figure and long, lean legs. He felt his breath increase with each second.
“Keep the camera on me, try to keep it still and make sure you don’t hold back and make lots of noises, people like that,” She muttered and instructed him how to point and use the camera. It was pretty simple and he was slightly stunned by what was taking place, he quietly followed her instructions. Holding the camera in place, he watched through the lens as she slowly unzipped his pants and reach into his pants. When she eased onto her knees, he heard himself gasp as pleasure ran through his body from the moment her tongue touched the end of his penis, he wasn’t reluctant to allow himself to gasp and moan at the appropriate moments; not that it was much in the way of acting, since this woman clearly knew what she was doing, right to the end.
He was surprised when she jumped up immediately after, turned off the camera and said. “I’ll see if he wants us to do it again or if this is fine.”
Stunned, Chase looked down at his groin. His pants were now zipped up again and she was in the next room discussing what had happened with Bud. They were talking about the technical side of things and he was left standing there, unsure of how he felt or what to do. No, that’s not true; he did feel something. Undeniable and guiltless pleasure. He felt freedom.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Although it seemed peculiar at the time, he would later reflect that it was the best possible approach. Had Bud gone into a long explanation and allowed Chase the time to consider being in a porn, he never would’ve done it. Although he was pretty confident in his sexuality, being recorded and then viewed by many sets of eyes was a whole other thing. Not that anyone could see his face in the movie and his real name wouldn’t be used in the credits; if at all.
It didn’t appear to be a turn-on to Bud, who viewed the movie like any business man; making sure that it would be appealing to the public, that the technical side wasn’t too cloudy or the final results were, as he put it, ‘amateur but not too amateur’. The girl - who he later would learn was called ‘Betsy’ - was a professional from Vancouver, who was an ‘up and coming’ in the industry. Like Bud, she was concerned about the technical side of things and how the final product appeared, as opposed
to giving it a second thought that she had blown some guy that she just met. As much as it should’ve been intriguing, he couldn’t help but be slightly horrified; which seemed ironic even to him, considering his own lack of morals.
Bud and ‘Betsy’ decided that they had to shoot it again. Although both assured him it was quite well done, they both thought she should strip before going down on him. ‘Betsy’ thought it would help the storyline - such as it was - by expressing how long she had wanted to taste him, how she had dreams, fantasies about sucking his dick. When she first told him the concept, he had to hold back his laughter because it was just so ridiculous, but then he decided it wasn’t for him to say anything and remain stoic. In his mind, guys didn’t give a fuck about any of that, they just wanted to see the action, but she insisted that there had to be a storyline and to that, he merely shrugged and say, ‘All right.”
The second time, he felt slightly more confident and except for a brief moment, when she did something freaky with her tongue and he almost dropped the camera, he felt pretty assured that the video was a success. He definitely got more into things, following her instructions to show my ‘verbal proof’ that he was in an extreme state of pleasure; his breathing, encouraging comments and gasping were exactly what she wanted to add to the anticipation. For that, he apparently made a passing grade.
The second attempt satisfied Bud and Betsy that they made a good film, something they could ‘work with’ and apparently, everyone was set to make some money. Chase would make his usual night of pay plus a handful of bills, with a promise of more to come in the future. He signed something that appeared to be on the up and up and when all was said and done, Bud assured him no one would ever know it was him.
“Unless they recognize your voice or dick,” He gave a short laugh as he went through the film again, Betsy standing behind him at the desk. Fully clothed, she now smoked a cigarette and seemed relatively happy with the results, although for the most part, somewhat bored. Neither one of them appeared to see it as sexual but from a marketing perspective. “Sorry to throw this on you so last minute, Chase, but my other guy was a no show and we got people waiting on this here film, but I thought you would be perfect.” He pointed toward the monitor.
