by Mima
“I know, I just,” He took a deep breath and looked down at his jeans and up again. “I don’t want to push my luck. I know what my own mother was like and God, fuck, I mean she’s exactly the same. Now I see why my dad stuck around for all those years and didn’t say anything when she slapped us around.”
“Did she do that a lot?” Bud asked, leaning back in his chair in fascination.
“Enough,” Chase admitted and realized that he hadn’t made this confession to anyone before that day. Even Maggie hadn’t known about his mother’s abusive side, although she had suspected it a few times, but he felt ashamed and wouldn’t admit it. “She was brought up on the reserve,” He referred to the reservation outside of town that was known for having a great deal of heartbreaking issues such as alcoholism and abuse. “It was pretty rough in her family, but I don’t know all the details. She’s pretty fucked up; suicide attempts, nightmares, extreme highs, and lows.”
“Sounds bipolar to me.” Bud listened intently. “My mother was like that.”
“Oh yeah, same as mine?”
“She was pretty erratic, probably worse than yours. She beat the living daylights out of us kids, all the time, every day.” Bud spoke emotionlessly, almost as if it were a joke, but his eyes didn’t hide the wounds that were clearly deep. “My dad left us and it got worse over time, so I do understand where you’re coming from and I respect your decision, but it don’t mean you have to cut yourself off from other possibilities.”
“I don’t know if I have other possibilities.”
“You always do,” Bud licked his lips and finished his coffee, almost in quiet contemplation. “All I know is that you got a butterfly in a glass jar situation going on with your wife. If you keep a butterfly in a glass jar because you don’t want to share them with the world, eventually they either escape or they suffocate. I don’t want to see you suffocate, Chase. It ain’t going to help that kid of yours and that’s what you have to think of, in the long run. Maybe not this second, but eventually you’re going to have to get out of that situation.”
“I know,” He said softly.
“In the meanwhile, life’s gotta keep being interesting, maybe some side action would help to clear your mind.”
Chase grinned. “There’s been action.”
Bud let out a hearty laugh and slapped his hand on the desk. “Now, that’s what I’m talking about. Speaking of which, we’re getting a lot of great comments about your movie. My cousin wants some more from you and Betsy. Says there are thousands of hits on his site even the first day. Analytics say you’re most popular with middle-aged women and men from ages of 15 to death, so I think you got a little celebrity in you.”
“I kind of doubt it’s me that’s the celebrity,” Chase countered and a grin slid over his face. “I think I’m more of a prop.”
“Your participation is definitely important,” Bud insisted. “You’re a little more than a prop, you show vulnerability and people like that kind of thing. One comment was that you showed ‘passion’ and sounded ‘sexy’.” He hesitated as Chase laughed. “Hey, it’s a good thing. Most men just make comments like ‘suck it’ and let out a few grunts, while pulling her hair. You’re not like that and that is what people like about you. Imagine if they saw the whole package.”
“They’re not gonna.” Chase said and smirked.
“Your call but they like what you’re doing,” Bud replied and pointed toward his computer monitor. “Betsy wants to get together for another one in a few days, as soon as she can fit it in her schedule. We both think the element of surprise helps you, so we’re not gonna tell you when, but you’ll enjoy yourself. You’ll be taping it like before and she wants to make it seem like you’re her boyfriend, make it appealing to couples.”
“Sure.”
“And there will be more money this time,” Bud raised an eyebrow. “And hey, it’s a great distraction from real life, which ironically, is one of the reasons why the porn industry is so popular. People like to see people being impromptu and impulsive, in a way that they’d never do themselves. It’s a damn shame that so many people live that way, but I guess people like keeping it safe.”
“I guess.”
“Maybe that’s why you’re such a natural at this, Chase, you just go with the flow and see where it takes you.” Bud suggested as he stood up from his chair and Chase slowly did the same.
“It doesn’t always work out so well.”
“Yeah, but think about it for a moment,” Bud suggested and stood still. “What if you’d done what you really wanted to do the night you hooked up with Audrey, what would it have been?”
“Honestly, found Lucy and beg her to come back to me,” Chase made a face, unable to see his point.
“Was she at the party?”
“Nope.”
“I mean at that party,” Bud posed the question. “That night, if you could go back in time, what would you have done instead of hooking up with this wife of yours.”
Chase hesitated, having never considered it before. What would he had done, had he not felt so limited that night, as if all the pretty girls didn’t want him? What if he had taken the chance?
Maggie.
“I definitely would’ve tried to hook up with someone else, I just didn’t think I could at the time.” Chase spoke honestly as his body slouched over, almost as in shame of not giving himself enough credit. “I didn’t think the pretty girls would give me the time of day.”
“And now,” he continued. “I see that I didn’t give myself enough credit. Trying and failing with one of them would’ve been a hell of a lot better than what ended up happening.”
The realization awakened his senses and gave him food for thought. Bud certainly had an interesting point. In a way, it kind of made him sad, but hopeful at the same time.
“I guess we can’t go back,” Chase shrugged, pushing the thoughts out of his head.
“No, but you can change your future.” Bud started toward the door. “Before it changes you.”
Chase didn’t reply. It wasn’t something he could even think about at that moment.
“By the way, Bud,” He asked as he opened the door and started out, hesitating momentarily. “What happened with your mother and you? Do you get along better now?”
Darkness was a soft sheer over his face and with a vacant look in Bud’s eyes, he waited for a brief moment before replying. “She’s dead.”
Something told Chase to not ask any more questions.
CHAPTER TWENTY
Chase was expressionless when told that Bud wanted to see him in his office. He merely nodded and walked into the bar making his way through the crowd. The sweet smell of alcohol filled his lungs and he ignored the women who were seductively dancing around, attempting to capture his attention but instead stayed focused. Bud had indicated his night of taping another film with Betsy was coming up and he hoped it was that night.
As much as he appeared emotionless, showing no indication of temptation when women arrived at the bar door that night, his eyes were always sending messages of temptation to his libido. The women often showed up in groups and were usually wearing revealing clothing; short skirts, skimpy tank tops, skin tight dresses and sometimes showing more skin than he thought they realized. Often intoxicated upon arrival, there seemed to be no limits to what they saw as appropriate.
It wasn’t just the clothing, it was their soft, voices, their silky skin as they grazed his arm on the way by to get in the door or how they smelled; God, women usually smelled so good. It was how they wore their makeup and in some cases, how their faces often appeared to be void of any makeup at all. Women could manipulate men more with their eyes than all the cleavage in the world and he often wondered how many actually were aware of this special, alluring gift?
When he first arrived in Bud’s office, he felt his expectations crash to the ground when h
e didn’t see Betsy. Maybe it was merely wishful thinking, a cruel taunt reminded him that luck was often not on his side. Needless to say, he felt sheer relief when she walked out of the tiny bedroom behind Bud’s office. Fully clothed, her face expressed the same boredom as a teenager working at a fast food restaurant. He said a quick hi and she merely shot him a fake, vague smile before starting to talk to Bud.
“So let’s get going,” She was abrupt and direct, with one hand on her hip as if everyone was there wasting her time. He was secretly determined to make the scene an enjoyable experience for her but he somehow didn’t think she was capable of letting go to pleasure. She struck him as one of those hot girls who looked sexy but couldn’t have an orgasm if her life depended on it.
“Ok, I guess that’s your cue,” Bud said as he turned his attention toward Chase and reached for a camera on his desk. “Remember, make some noises but don’t be the creepy porn guy, if you know what I mean. I’m going out on the floor to keep an eye on things and you guys, have fun.” His final comment seemed to be more directed at Betsy, who shrugged as if she couldn’t have cared less.
Of course, the actress in her came out quickly, once the camera was on. Having had already warned him not to ‘shoot’ too quickly and giving very specific instructions on how he would know when it was okay, he merely nodded and said nothing. However, when the time came, it wasn’t so easy. The combination of her moans with how she moved on top of him was almost too much, as she rocked on his dick, her breasts bouncing to the rhythm, it was hard to believe that she probably wasn’t finding much pleasure from the experience, even when she touched herself and let out soft moans. He had to close his eyes more than once, distracting his mind in order to keep going; but it wasn’t easy.
He also had to keep the camera from shaking too much. It had to look amateur to a degree, so a certain amount of mistakes were allowed, but clearly there had to be a sense of professionalism to guide them through to the end. Of course, the end is when things got really difficult as her ‘excitement’ increased and things got more frantic, Chase struggled to not ‘shoot’ as she so crassly put it, even as sounds escaped his throat that he hadn’t even heard before while having sex. It was those final moments when he was finally allowed to let go that he grabbed her with his free hand and held her down while lifting his hips that he briefly thought she was actually getting off. There was a moment of surprise in her eyes that neither of them expected and she let out a high pitch moan and grabbed her breasts.
While pleasure ran through his body, she simply rose from the bed, grabbed the camera and checked back to what they taped. A smile finally crept on her lips and while Chase was recovering and cleaning up with a nearby towel, she seemed uninterested in doing the same. Finally, she sat the camera down and went into the bathroom with her clothes. Chase rose from the bed and got dressed, feeling physically relieved, while at the same time unaffected by her strange reaction. It was only business to her.
Luckily, it was a business that was profitable and his performance, such as it was, had been deemed acceptable. Although she certainly didn’t say it to him, she would later show enthusiasm as she explained to Bud all the reasons why she felt this film would be a hit. She barely acknowledged him after their encounter was over and somehow, he thought that was probably for the best. She was a cold-hearted business woman who was out to make money in porn and that was all there was to it. As Chase had stated in the past, he was merely a prop.
After Bud and her talked business, while Chase sat nearby, scanning through his phone messages from both Audrey and Maggie, he was surprised to find one from his sister. She was heading back to university in a few days and wanted to meet up with him for a coffee. He ignored it and returned his attention to Bud and Betsy; who were now finishing up their conversation, having just sent the film off to the production house to make some final, careful edits, it appeared that his services were no longer needed, so he suggested going back on the floor. After all, it was nearing closing time and they might need his help.
“Nah, they’ll be fine,” Bud assured him and glanced toward Betsy, giving her a quick nod and almost as if on cue, she announced she was leaving. She didn’t say good-bye or even look at Chase but merely walked out the door as if he were irrelevant.
“She’s cold,” He couldn’t help but comment after Betsy was gone. “No goodbye, nice working with you, fuck off, nothing? What’s with that chick?”
“Now, don’t you worry about her,” Bud replied and waved his hand and leaned back in his chair. “That’s just the pro in her coming out and to be honest, that’s what you want at this point. You don’t want to be friendly, you do your job and move on. She’s made a lot of films and you’re nothing more than another dick to her, but hey, who cares right?”
“I guess when you put it that way…”
“Exactly, don’t worry about her,” He seemed rushed to move on to another topic. “Now, I might have some other business proposals for you soon. It’s kind of dicey now, but I’ll get back to you.”
“You mean, this kind of stuff-
“Well, not necessarily. I have some other stuff I do,” He chose his words carefully, his dark eyes had a gleam that couldn’t be mistaken for anything less that salacious and Chase decided it was better not to ask. “I might need your muscle sometime in the future. I’ll let you know more details later.”
“Okay,” Chase replied slowly, his brain curiously jumping from one sketchy situation to another, but he wasn’t in the position to say anything. It was a lot easier to fall into this underground world than he ever would’ve imagined. Had it been asked a couple of years earlier, Chase never would’ve believed that this would be his future; married to someone he didn’t love, with a baby, working at a bar and doing porn on the side. It was a dismal turn his life had taken, but then again, would things really be much better if he was happily married and working a ‘normal’ job; was that merely a myth that people wanted to believe? Not that he knew anyone who exactly had a normal life to compare himself to - but he did wonder if other people had as many secrets as him. He somehow doubted it.
When he returned to the bar after it closed, he noted the suspicious look in Maggie’s eye. He ignored it. Not that it mattered. She found her way across the room.
“Where the hell were you?” She sounded oddly bitter for Maggie, something he hadn’t expected.
His answer was short and to the point. “Working.”
“Nah, come on, you went in the back room, I saw you,” She quietly commented, glancing toward Bud on the other side of the bar, as he talked to one of the other bouncers. “You were gone a long time and some sketchy chick came out of the there before you. You’re not messing around with some of the Mento trash, are you?” She curled her nose up in judgment. Perhaps working at the bar wasn’t a great atmosphere for her. Maggie was exposing some sharp edges lately and he wasn’t sure how he felt about this new side of her.
“It’s not what you think” Chase assured her, a soft grin crossed his lips and he brushed up against her arm as he walked away and approached Bud, who seemed to realize he needed a distraction and asked him to help with some of the boxes of empty beer bottles.
She didn’t ask again; at least not that night. He walked her to her car before they left and gave her a quick hug before she got in and drove away.
“Hey Chase,” Bud called after him and he returned toward the entrance. It was 3 a.m and the rest of the staff was gone. “You didn’t tell her anything about…”
“No,” Chase shook his head. “Nah, that’s the last thing I want to do.”
“Okay, good. I mean, I guess it doesn’t matter, I just like to keep things quiet, you know?”
“Oh, I know,” Chase shared a smile with his boss as his phone vibrating. Reaching into his pocket, a deep furrow developed between his eyebrows and a grin twitched his lips as he read Audrey’s text encouraging him to return home. �
��The rabbit died? What the fuck is that about?”
“Who sent you that?” Bud pulled out a pack of cigarettes and lit one up.
“Audrey and oh fuck,” Chase suddenly felt his body become weak and his throat dry, as he took a deep breath. “Is that her way of saying she hurt Leland? Oh, Jesus…”
“No, no!” Bud began to laugh and started to choke on some cigarette smoke. “Haven’t you ever heard that before? The rabbit died? It means someone is pregnant.”
This piece of news, unfortunately, didn’t make Chase feel any better.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
He loved his son. His every movement was amazing; the way he twitched his nose when the smell of toast filled the house, how his eyes scanned the room curiously, as if discovering it for the first time or when he peacefully slept in his crib, his hands in tiny fists. Chase totally got why people referred to babies as ‘miracles’ because they really were; having said that, it was when Leland cried for what felt like hours on end, that Chase thought he would lose his mind.
Audrey was oblivious to the crying. Since telling Chase the news of her second pregnancy - followed by a screaming match that went right into the morning hours - there was a change in her. She appeared to have entered the world of fantasy, bouncing around the house like she was Snow fucking White, trying to fix everything perfectly, her face sparkling with joy as if she had somehow found the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. While Chase, on the other hand, felt like another piece of him died each day. It was like a prison sentence that increased in severity.
As much as he loved Leland and would do anything for him, there was something about knowing that a second child was coming, that broke him. He moved back to the living room, the betrayal he had expected with the first baby rang even truer the second time around because there was simply no way that Chase could believe in two mistakes; Audrey had planned this all along. She always talked about having two children and insisted that it was ‘too soon’ and ‘in a few years…’ and Chase nodded as if he agreed when he secretly attempted to figure out an escape plan. Should he take Leland and move out? If he had a relationship with his family, maybe they could help him, but he knew they put conditions on their love. Plus their relationship had been estranged since kicking him out of the family home.
