by Mima
“I can handle myself,” She blushed and he quickly realized that Kelsey probably assumed he was referencing her attempt to make a film with him a year earlier. “Sometimes being bold pays off, it’s not necessarily a bad thing, is it?”
“You got me there,” Chase replied and relaxed in his chair, an old Lazy Boy inherited from one of Audrey’s relatives. “Maybe I need some of that boldness to get a job.”
“What about the bar downtown?”
“It’s only casual, a few shifts here and there,” Chase replied. “Not great and I keep looking, but I don’t know what I’m going to do.”
“Is that why you are thinking about moving?”
“I may not have a choice. I can’t stay here,” He waved his hand around the room. “Audrey said it was okay for a while but do you really think I want to be here much longer?”
“Take me with you.”
“Kelsey, I-
“Take me with you!” her words were stronger, this time, sounding much more like a demand than a suggestion. “I want to go somewhere. I want to live. I can’t live while I’m here. I’m suffocating in that house with my mother. I’m suffocating in this town.”
“Kelsey, I-
“Will you stop that!” She leaned in, her hands on each side of the chair, caging him in. The scent of perfume filled his lungs, desire flowing through him in a way he couldn’t easily deny as he stared into her eyes; a deep blue that was completely unlike her sister’s, who were always guarded, while Kelsey’s eyes were full of warmth and curiosity, a warmth and peacefulness flowed through her face. “I want to go. I’m an adult now, whether or not you want to see me that way. I want to leave Hennessey.”
“Ok, but that doesn’t mean it should be with me,” Chase attempted to explain, although he wasn’t really sure where his objections came from, other than his own strong temptations. Perhaps it was the warning from Maggie months earlier to stay away from her that still lurked in the back of his mind. It was odd that he would even consider it, though, considering that his former best friend barely talked to him now. Their conversations were limited to idle gossip, a mere glimpse into her life, he really had no idea who she was anymore. Other than a day job at an office a receptionist and some other project on the side, she continued to take courses and strive to join the RCMP; her attempts slightly futile but she never really explained why that was, merely suggesting that she hadn’t made it yet. He often wondered if she would even tell him the news when she was accepted.
“But why not?” Kelsey replied, once again standing over him, her arms crossed in front of her chest. “Cause Maggie won’t let you?”
“I didn’t say that.”
“Cause you don’t like me?”
“I didn’t say that either.”
“Cause maybe you like me a little too much?”
He didn’t reply.
“That’s what I thought,” Kelsey returned to her original seat across the room. Patting Leland’s blond head on the way by. “Chase I’m not that kid from Bud’s office. I feel like you’ll always see me that way and sometimes see yourself as a pedophile if you give into what you want but I’m here to tell you that I’ve been good. I’ve waited for you, I’ve been patient and now I’m almost 18, so what’s the problem? Are you worried about what people will think? Audrey? My mom? Your mom? Maggie?”
In truth, she was right. He wondered how it would look if he were suddenly to move with Kelsey Telips. He knew Audrey would be indifferent; already assuming the two were hooking up in secret, while her mother hated Kelsey almost as much as Ellen Telips hated him. Maggie assumed he was looking for her in another woman and although that had crossed his mind in the early days, he now saw them as two, very distinct people. They couldn’t have been more different. So what was his problem? Did he simply fear what others thought? But would anyone ever approve of any decision he made? It sometimes seemed unlikely. Lately, everyone was the expert on what he should do with his life; going back to school to take trades or study professions that ‘paid well’ or doing manual labor that would pay well short term. Nothing really seemed like the right fit.
“To a degree,” Chase admitted and wasn’t sure how to explain it. Even though she was almost legal age, something still felt wrong about having any kind of relationship with her, let alone moving with her. Maybe he sought his freedom more than anything. Maybe he didn’t want anyone around. “I don’t know, Kelsey. I don’t know how to answer your question.”
“You can’t because there’s no answer,” She replied glumly and left shortly after, leaving him only with his thoughts.
The truth was that he was scared and didn’t know what to do next. Anything that complicated his situation further was too overwhelming for him; he had to think of his kids, was it best to leave them in order to earn a pay cheque or should he be closer at hand, instead finding work in Hennessey? Should he go back to school? If so, what was he supposed to take?
The truth was that he was left with nothing. What inspired him? What could he see himself doing in the future? Had he ever really loved his past jobs or the idea of them more, than the actual work itself? There were just too many questions and not enough answers. Maybe he didn’t fit in anywhere.
It wasn’t until he confessed this feeling to Maggie later on, in a series of texts that he felt some sense of inspiration and comfort. Although he was quick to point out that she was lucky because she knew what she wanted to do, Maggie was quick to point out that wanting something and finding a way to get it was two very different things. Lately, she had been asking herself why being an RCMP officer appealed to her so much? Was it the money? The status? Did she really want to help people or was it more out of the idea of what she thought an RCMP was or what they did? When she heard news stories about officers being in some dicey situations - some of which not surviving - she often had to ask herself a lot of serious questions and like Chase, she didn’t have the answer.
We’re all in the same boat.
Her text was short but powerful in meaning.
It wasn’t until a few days later after he put his true fears and concerns out to sit in silence, that a possible glimmer of hope arose and gave him something to consider. It was a late night text, one he wouldn’t see until the next morning that grasps Chases’ attention and peaked his curiosity.
Would you consider moving? I might have something for you.
Yes.
CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE
The ‘yes’ was probably a tad too abrupt; logically it made no sense to move away to more insecurities and fears, unsure if he would do any better in another place. Even though the city had more possibilities, it also had more people competing for the same jobs. Plus he had kids to think about; would it really be a good idea to move away with three small children left behind? Leland, Chet, and Devin were so young; would they even remember him if he was gone for too long.
It somehow felt like the wrong thing to do but then again, he had no income. Other locals did it; both men and women went away to work and returned on occasion. In fact, from what Chase understood, this was becoming normal in different parts of the Canada. People were uprooting for work because they had no other options. Neither did he.
Maggie was vague about the job she had in mind for him but he got the impression it would be as a doorman. That didn’t sound like it would provide much of an income but Maggie insisted that there was more to it than what he did for Bud. However, she wouldn’t provide many details through her text messages. He wasn’t sure if there was a reason or simply because she was too busy. He understood that she worked two jobs; one as a receptionist and another, more mysterious position that she never had fully explained.
When she finally did call, their conversation was brief and straight to the point.
“I talked to my boss and she wants to meet you.”
Overwhelmed by the mere fact that she was actually t
alking to him again - something she hadn’t done since learning about his friendship with Kelsey - Chase opened his lips to respond but couldn’t talk. He felt like there was so much to say and yet, where did he start? He still felt as if their old business was sitting like an elephant in the room and before they could return to their former friendship, he had to address it. There were so many things he had to tell her, wanted to tell her and yet, she was very businesslike and appeared uninterested in talking about anything other than the opportunity that she was presenting him.
“Maggie, I think we should talk about-
“She wants to meet you in person but said if that’s not possible that you can through Skype, but I would think it would make more sense to come here,” her words were full of confidence, yet there was a chill they sent through him, as though he were merely a stranger and she was the secretary setting up the appointment. Maybe, he decided, it was simply because of her daytime job that she had automatically taken this particular tone, one that was crisp, cold and direct. “You wouldn’t have to stay long, just do the interview and go back home or you could crash at my place for the night if you want.”
Her offer fell flat; emotionless and raw, hardly an old friend excited to see her former best friend but more like a relative, you felt obligated to put up for the night. It was a sharp dagger through the heart but the final in a series until he accepted the reality of this situation. Their friendship was a mere formality, a connection from the past and nothing more; then again, would that change when they finally were faced to face?
“Nah, that’s good, I can go for the day,” he replied, feeling that it was probably a relief to her to not have to deal with him beyond the short period it would take to introduce him to her boss.
“So, what is this for again?” he decided it was best to stay away from the topic of them being reunited since it clearly was beating a dead horse and instead challenged the idea of this job being feasible. “I don’t really understand. Can I look up this club online so I have a better idea?”
“It’s not really online,” She replied, the sounds of traffic flowing behind her. “It’s kind of more of an exclusive club, not where skanks go to on a Saturday night.”
“Oh.”
“You’ll have to come on a Saturday since I won’t be available to make the introductions during the week,” Maggie muttered, appearing to jump past the first question, not really giving him much of an answer and for a second, he wondered if she was still on the phone. “Jolene already knows about you and said she trusts my judgment, so she’ll meet you. Is this Saturday good for you?”
“Yes, but I-
“Great, try to get here early and maybe we can have lunch first,” Maggie continued to speak to him like a stranger. “If not, that’s fine too. I will see if we can have a meeting with her for 1.”
And that was it. The conversation was over.
A text quickly followed.
Don’t bring my sister with you.
Although he certainly hadn’t planned on it, an indignant part of him had a flash of Kelsey on the passenger side of the car but he quickly brushed it aside. That could be more trouble than it was worth and he would be nervous enough without having to contend with her too. He decided not to mention it to anyone but Audrey.
Wrinkling her nose, something she did when unsure of what was being presented to her, she finally shrugged and didn’t reply.
“You think it’s a bad idea?”
“No, it just sounds like maybe the pay may not be proportional to the cost of living,” Audrey sighed and spoke calmly, a new person since they decided to separate, their friendship was unexpected and pleasant. He felt like she was in his corner, something he never would’ve expected in the past. “But, it can’t hurt to check it out.”
“I’m not sure it’s a great idea to move away with the kids.”
“Lots of people do it, Chase.” Her response surprised him and he nodded, realizing that maybe she was right. “I think it would make sense and as long as you help financially and come back to visit the kids.”
Reluctantly, he agreed and stared at his hand.
“It’s pretty nice that Maggie is trying to help.”
“I guess.”
Audrey didn’t reply. Studying him carefully, she calmly took a drink of her coffee.
“She’s not the same as she used to be.”
“People change,” Audrey replied.
“I guess the city changes people,” Chase repeated the same words he had heard from his father many times. Hadn’t he said that to Angel before she made the move for university? Now finished, she still lived and worked there. He thought it was interesting that in the whole time he considered this move, it never once occurred to him to reach out to her. In fact, after their father was buried, their phone conversations eased off until they became nonexistent. It was almost as if their father was her final tie to Hennessey and in a way, it was almost a relief to not pretend that there was a connection within the family.
“Life changes people,” Audrey gently corrected him and he had no words.
Saturday morning came quickly and his actions that morning were automatic. He got up early, helped change and feed the kids and jumped in the shower. Late morning, Chase was on the highway, passing farmland that surrounded his town and although it was the main industry in the area, it was work that he swore he would never do. A brief stint working at a farm at 15 was enough to turn him off ever trying again. Maybe that was the snob in him coming out, at least that’s what his father had suggested at the time, that Chase was too ‘uppidity’ to work manual labor but it his disdain for the work was immediate. It was grueling, unfulfilling and the people he worked with belittled him, taking advantage of his youthful naivety and physical abilities.
Then again, wasn’t it the same when he worked for Bud? Perhaps he had only hired the eager, unsophisticated version of Chase, knowing that he would make the ideal candidate for his side business in porn? Hadn’t he known that if put in a room with a naked woman, most horny young men would probably cave to the sexual promises, not really thinking long-term regrets? It seemed so clear now, causing Chase to feel obtuse upon reflection.
These thoughts took him all the way to Calgary almost as if he were in a daze. It was amazing how much time flew by, how many things had changed since those days. A brief moment of melancholy passed through him, as flashes of the past jumped uncontrollably through his head, almost as if on their way to leave permanently, never to return again; it was his private goodbye to the past that no longer seemed relevant.
Calgary offered a new life, a new existence, one that he deeply desired. He was stagnant now, unable to grow and much like Kelsey had suggested, unable to breathe in the small town. Maybe some people succumbed to this feeling and allowed it to take over and perhaps, he was one of the few that didn’t want to live in such a limited world, where he had never really fit in.
He wasn’t very old when the local men started referring to him as a ‘faggot’, something that he took more personally back then, an innocent teen who simply didn’t want to work on farms, didn’t want to be a country boy who went out ‘muddin’ on the weekend with the other teens nor did he really drink, so that took that entire possibility out of the spectrum. He didn’t do drugs and in fact, the only thing that most considered ‘manly’ about him was the fact that Chase played sports; and he did that exceptionally well. Strong, tall, he wasn’t the kind of kid that slinked back when confronted by an aggressive player or a devious attempt to get him kicked out of a game. He had a few fights and that’s probably what enticed him to take up boxing and eventually start attracting girl’s attention.
Calgary would be different. There was a place for everyone in a city. That’s why misfits such as himself flocked to the urban areas, the place that attracted every kind of person, from every background and belief system. It was a mixing pot of every id
ea, thought, and opinion, attempting to live in harmony. Not that it always happened but people liked to believe the city made it easier to mix if not mingle.
Maggie was supposed to meet him for lunch but it seemed she didn’t have the time and encouraged him to go to a location that was easy for him to find and she would meet him later. He did. Chase ate alone in a pub that was easy to locate once entering the city, he guessed that this probably was one of the main attractions to the chain restaurant that was filled with beautiful women; slender, tall, curvy, his eyes jumped around in amazement.
He was going to like this city.
But when Maggie walked in the restaurant, he quickly forgot everyone else. Only her eyes watched him. A stranger in more ways than one, she was more sophisticated, dressed carefully in a mid-length skirt and a white blouse. It was clear that she was no longer the teenage girl in cutoff jeans and a t-shirt, in fact, even her makeup was heavier, applied to perfection it seemed, her hair slightly shorter and without a single piece out of place; he felt like a hick beside her. Although a glance around told Chase that he probably fit in that room better than she did, dressed casually like the others.
He was surprised when she hugged him and yet, it felt cold. It was fast, abrupt and then she quickly moved to the other side of the table to sit down. He did the same.
She stared at him in silence, as if taking him in and yet, he couldn’t read her expression well enough to know what she was thinking. Her face was blank, fine lines around her eyes suggested that she was a facade about to crack. He didn’t know what to say, so he said nothing.
As it turns out, he didn’t have to because she said it all.
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
Everyone speaks dreamily of the moment they fall in love. It is as if rainbows, sunshine and shooting stars enter the horizon and the world is suddenly a wonderful place to live. It was an illusion that Chase assumed many naively believed and yet, why didn’t anyone talk about the moment you fell out of love? That terrible, cold thud as your ass hit the floor and the truth about the person standing in front of you suddenly brought you back to a dark, humbling reality? It was as if your soul turned to a rock and your youthful innocence, your wide-eyed hopefulness, leaked onto the floor and dried into the ground, leaving a stain in the same way blood would on concrete. It didn’t matter if you found a way to remove it, in many respects, it was never really gone.
