by Sam Faiers
On the way, we had a conversation about it, and all of us realised that he would expect sex from one of us, really. There was no way he wanted a group of girls to come back just for a chat, and was then going to send us home. He also had a massive reputation by then for sleeping with girls – one newspaper had even called him ‘Shagger of the Year’! So we were all joking, saying, ‘Who will take one for the team?!’ Well, I didn’t fancy him at all. I can see he is charming and funny, and good looking to some people, but he’s not my type even one tiny little bit. But one of the girls, who was single at the time, said she fancied him, and was up for it. So that was it settled! If he wanted to make a move on someone, she had volunteered.
The other thing I had to do in the car was call Mark, and tell him we weren’t going to be in for work that night. He was fuming as we only gave half an hour’s notice and he didn’t have anyone to cover for us. But there was no way we were giving up on this chance and I told him that it was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity! Funnily enough, it was actually Arg who ended up covering for me on the door that night.
We got to Russell’s house, which was a lovely three- or four-storey place in a posh area – Hampstead, in north London, if I remember right. And we went in and down into the kitchen, which was in the basement, where he got some white and rosé wine for us out of the fridge. It was a lovely place, although I remember there were strange things in really odd places – like one of those gym bikes for working out on was sat in the middle of the kitchen. We sat there chatting, and he was really funny and cheeky. He was single at the time and was non-stop flirting. Then one of the girls asked him to give us a tour of the house, so he did.
It was really nice, and the bedroom was exactly as I would have expected – kind of like a boudoir, all dark and mysterious looking. And it had an en suite bathroom, with the bath in the middle of the room. All very luxurious. The funniest room, though, was this one with ropes and mats and weird stuff in it – at first I thought it was some kind of bondage room! But he said it was his yoga and peace room. Well of course we asked to see some moves . . . Next thing you know, he pulls this rope down from the ceiling, loops his legs in it, and suddenly he’s swinging upside down in this Buddha position, just talking to us like that! Oh my God, it was hilarious, and so surreal. It was one of those moments that will stick in my head forever – not only am I somehow in Russell Brand’s house, but he is doing this in front of me! We were all a bit hysterical by then.
After that, we went out to his back garden, where he had a hot tub. We all decided to strip off and get in there in our underwear – we’d had a few drinks by then, so weren’t feeling shy, and to be honest it didn’t feel like it was real anyway.
The hot tub was so funny. We were just messing around and having a laugh. He was kissing us all, and I kissed him too – though just a quick kiss on the lips – because, like I said, he wasn’t my type at all, nor Billie’s. But we were joining in the fun – it was just a good laugh. I thought it was funny that he had the ego to have us all in his hot tub with just him. No male friends – as far as he was concerned, he was enough and he definitely wanted to be centre of attention!
Then he and the friend who had said she fancied him disappeared upstairs for some private time . . . And while they were gone me and the rest of the girls were like tourists in his house. We were screaming and giggling because we still couldn’t believe we were there. It was amazing that he trusted us – he was lucky he had chosen a good group of girls, because if we hadn’t been, we would have had every opportunity to rob the place! But of course we didn’t, we were more concerned with taking photos. Photos of us around the room, photos of us on his chairs, even photos of his photos! We wanted to prove we had been there – both to others and to ourselves, in case even we started to forget later down the line that it had happened!
When Russell and my friend came back downstairs we had a group photo – and if you needed proof of what had just happened upstairs, the two of them wearing dressing gowns in the picture gives it away! Afterwards she said the sex had been good but a bit different to normal – although not as weird as I think people imagine it must be with Russell. Then again, he probably knew she was only 18, and it would have been wrong to do anything too bizarre! When he came back downstairs though, he had pointed at Billie, as though to say, ‘You’re next,’ and she was like, ‘No way!’ She had a boyfriend at the time, and she didn’t fancy him anyway.
Eventually we left at about 3 a.m., and true to his word he called us cars to take us home and paid for them. When I got home, I had to explain the evening to my boyfriend at the time, Lewis, but I just said it was a once-in-a-lifetime chance – if he had been invited back to Megan Fox’s house with his mates, I wouldn’t have expected him to say no either.
The next week, Russell got in touch with my friend and asked her to go to a spa with him, but at the last minute she bottled it – although we had had a really fun evening, I don’t think she really wanted a relationship with him. Which is lucky, as then he went on to get together with Katy Perry! She never sold a story on him, which she knew she could have. But why would we? We all remember him as a really nice, really funny and witty guy, who we had an amazing and surreal evening with! I haven’t seen Russell since, and I’m sure he has never made the link to it being us – I had red hair back then for a start. But I think we must have made an impression on him, because when I read his book Booky Wook 2, he mentions us in there – brief though it is. He says: ‘After a night at the Brixton Academy I took home five girls and we kissed, canoodled and shrieked till the early morning in my “never gonna be clean enough” hot tub. And through their white-wine kisses and perfect skin I tasted something poisonous.’ I’m not sure what he meant by that last bit! But it was an early claim to fame for me anyhow.
Those were fun times, but I’m enjoying settling down and making a home together with Joey. It might seem strange that I would leave my house so soon after buying it, something I only did earlier this year, but I think I need to. It would be too hard for Joey to move into it, without feeling that it was my place, rather than our place. And he isn’t that keen on his own flat – it’s fine, but he has never really made it personal to him, if you know what I mean. Mum is already eyeing up my house though, she loves it as much as me.
One thing living on my own has taught me, which I hoped it would, is how to make food that isn’t just toast . . . I have learned to cook a fair bit, and can even make a decent roast now! Although, despite my attempts to be healthier, I do still like my Chinese takeaways . . . I have actually decided that Joey is a bit of a feeder. I have put on weight since I’ve been with him, which inevitably happens in a relationship, as you feel comfortable within yourself, but still, he is always offering me more food!
I’ve put on half a stone, just from eating and drinking, but Joey and I are going to start having tennis lessons, so that should help get rid of that.
I was photographed looking a bit bigger when I was in Las Vegas in June, which I was a bit paranoid about, but you can have fat and thin pictures no matter what weight you are, depending on lighting, angles and posture. And to be honest I was there to have a good time, so I just focused on that. It was the girls’ holiday that my friends and I had been planning for years, and it didn’t disappoint. Although seven days of partying was pretty hard core – I would advise people to go for five days max.
We stayed in a hotel called The Encore, which I definitely recommend for anyone my age going out there. Out of the nightlife, my favourite place was Surrender, which was a club inside our hotel; Las Vegas is a bit like Dubai, in that so much of the nightlife is linked to hotels. I also loved a pool party called Wet Republic. That is a party anyone going there has to visit. Oh, and of course there’s the Grand Canyon – that is the bit of culture that you obviously have to fit in!
The only big row Joey and I have had since becoming a couple again happened after I got back from Vegas actually. We have little rows over silly things a
ll the time, of course, but this time, as soon as I got home, he went to Ibiza for the week on a boys’ holiday. I was on a downer after my trip, and I drove myself mad about what he was up to. So one night I ended up calling him when I was upset and asking him to come home. Not that he did . . . Instead it turned into an argument.
But I do trust Joey to behave. Despite Mario and Lucy claiming during series six that they had seen photos of us both cheating . . . well, it just isn’t true. I know I haven’t – as I said, Vegas was a girls’ holiday, and much as I like Americans, the boys just don’t do it for me. Joey promises me he has been faithful too, and let’s be realistic, if there were photos of Joey misbehaving, someone would definitely have sold them by now. Joey gave me a promise ring when we were together the first time, as a promise that he would be a good boyfriend. No one noticed, but I never took it off, and I think he has stuck by that promise.
No, with Mario and Lucy it was just a case of them having nothing on us, but wanting to have something so that they could distract people from looking at the problems in their own relationship. Lucy even admitted to me that she hadn’t actually seen anything. It is a hard one with her and Mario, as I hope they are happy, and despite his arrogance, I do actually like Mario. But I truly don’t believe they are ready for each other, so I don’t actually think they will end up getting married. It feels like they both have things to get out of their system first, especially Mario, if all the rumours of other girls are true. When I mentioned the rumours on the show it was like I sparked World War Three. I didn’t mean for it to get out of hand, I was just trying to be a friend to Lucy by stopping her marrying the wrong guy. But it was pointless – that girl doesn’t want to believe Mario could do anything like that, so she will never listen.
I always notice when we’re filming that whereas me and Joey are always messing around, laughing, joking, and annoying everyone with our PDAs, Lucy and Mario just seem to sit there looking a bit . . . well, the best word I can think of to describe it is blank. And that worries me. We will have to see if our friendship has survived me speaking out – I hope so, as I had her best interests at heart, but now it is down to her.
Another friendship that has been in trouble and looks like it might never be fixed is my one with Amy. After I laid out my feelings in the earlier part of this book, I had hoped we would be able to get things back on track. But instead Amy got quite defensive about it all, and kept bringing it up in her magazine column. Deep down I will always care about her, but then the way she behaved over this summer I thought again showed a lack of concern for our friendship. Despite all the other brands and products she already has out, she decided to open up a clothes shop in Brentwood, and I just felt like, come on Amy, stick to your beauty. I know we don’t own the rights to all clothes shops in the area, but we would never set up a beauty salon right on her doorstep. I wouldn’t do that to her out of respect. And worst of all, she wasn’t the one to tell me about it – Billie and I had to find out through the grapevine. I really thought she should have done me the respect of telling me about it to my face, but when I bumped into her at an event at the time it was happening, she just said, ‘Hello’ and that was it. No mention of her shop. It’s like she was making it a big secret which is silly.
In contrast, to give Lucy her dues, she rang and told me when she was planning to open a clothes shop, and said she would stock different brands, and did I mind? I thought that was a nice thing of Lucy to do and she has stuck to her word since. It is a shame Amy couldn’t have behaved more like that. It’s not like we have really fallen out, it’s just that we don’t really talk any more. But as I say, we have too much history together for me not to want to be friends with her, it’s just hard at the moment. Not that her opening a shop has affected Minnies in the slightest, though. No, we’re growing bigger than ever! We have gone international now, so our clothes are going to be stocked in shops in other countries. And we’re doing a range called Little Mistress by Minnies which is out in November, and is a set of ten dresses, all kind of wintery and sparkly, perfect for the Christmas party season. As usual, Billie and I modelled the clothes for it, which was fun.
I have been watching Mark’s career as well, to see how he gets on, as I do think he could be a success. Maybe not the next James Bond, but something successful all the same. His TV show, Mark Wright’s Hollywood Nights, was really funny to me. But I wonder if that’s because I know all the lads on it, and they were a good mix of people, so it really was like watching a group of my mates being daft. I’m not sure the public got it in the same way I did, because they don’t know them.
I think it was too set up really – all these fixed scenarios. But I do think people are genuinely interested in what he gets up to, so a real fly-on-the-wall documentary would work better I think. That is if Mark wants to take my advice on his TV career!
I haven’t seen him for a good while though. Not since I have been back with Joey, except for one random time we bumped into each other in a petrol station. Although I have a confession to make – we did get back in touch after I split with TJ and before Joey and I were dating again. We spoke on the phone and texted a lot, and we went out for one date – for dinner. But actually, we realised the chemistry had completely gone, there really was nothing there. So nothing sexual happened between us, it was just like hanging out with a mate. We have grown into different people, and I wish him well and hope he is a good mate of mine for life, but I now know 100 per cent that a friend is all he ever will be.
I think Lauren still likes him though, no matter what she says. She told me they still speak and see each other, but that she isn’t feeling it. But I don’t believe that he couldn’t get her back in a second if he wanted to. The problem with Mark is he was always embarrassed to be with her, and that is completely the wrong way to think about your girlfriend – both for him and her.
Another messed up couple at the moment is Arg and Gemma. I love Gemma to bits and she has become a really good friend in the last year or so. And Arg, well he has been my mate for years, but I do think he has got too big headed lately, and don’t think he’s right for her. I’m not sure what she sees in him – Gemma normally goes for older, gangster type guys . . . and, well, that’s not Arg! But she obviously sees something in him that she likes, maybe it’s the arrogance? Whatever it is, though, she really does like him and I feel sorry for her for that.
When we were in Marbella making the one-off episode earlier this summer, he showered her with loads of attention. But back in Essex he has been a dickhead to her. I have talked to him about it, and one minute he says he likes her, the next he finds problems with it. I think he loves her, but as a friend, not a sexual partner. And unfortunately I think Gemma knows that, which is why she’s always upset, as the whole thing is embarrassing and leaves her feeling like shit. But she still sticks it out because she likes him. Deep down Arg still loves Lydia – he will probably never stop. Lydia loves him too, but is really into Tom at the minute – sometimes you need that person who helps you get over someone, and she has that with him.
Anyhow, sorry, I am off gossiping and giving all my theories on my TOWIE co-stars again. Their lives are interesting to me, and I am actually in the show, so who knows what it’s like for you lot! All in all though, I am loving my job, my family, my true friends, and of course Joey at the minute, so long may it continue.
DICTIONARY: THE ESSEX LINGO
In Essex there are loads of words that we love using – some that you’ll hear all over the UK, and some that are pretty unique to us. And if we are ever short of a word or a phrase . . . well, you can be sure to rely on someone like Joey Essex to make one up that will take off!
Here are my favourite ones:
Reem – We have Joey to thank for this one! He made it infamous through his ‘Look reem, smell reem, be reem’ catchphrase, but it really just means gorgeous or really cool. My favourite way to use it is ‘Don’t be jel, be reem!’ if someone is getting on my nerves.
Shu
uttup – The way you should always pronounce ‘shut up’. But not when you actually want someone to be quiet. Use it when you are shocked at what someone is saying. So shutting up is actually the last thing you want them to do, as they are usually passing on a great piece of gossip!
Glamping – No true Essex girl wants to camp in the traditional way, getting muddy, sleeping on the floor in a cramped tent and leaving the heels and lashes at home. But glam it up a bit with heeled wellies, designer tents and luxury extras, and suddenly it doesn’t seem like such a bad thing after all. It is definitely the only way to camp out at the festivals over the summer!
Vajazzle – Not created by Amy Childs, but definitely made famous by her in the UK. See Chapter 2 for more details on this.
Well jel – Jel is a shortened version of jealous. And if you are very jealous, you are not just jel, you are well jel! A family friend of mine started this, then Billie and I took it up, then Amy picked it up, then before you knew it, it became a TOWIE catchphrase.
Marbs – This one is pretty obvious – it’s a shortened version of Marbella. Using it probably means you are a regular there.
No Carbs Before Marbs – A saying created by Ellie Redman when she was running a diet class for Arg. It literally means, no carbohydrates before Marbella, but that’s not so catchy, is it? It is a motivational saying for when you are getting in shape for your summer holiday.
Definitely – I always put this at the end of sentences when I’m agreeing with someone or emphasising a point. I guess I like to come across as very sure of myself!
