Dedication
For my husband, Will.
Life would not be the same without you.
Contents
Cover
Title Page
Dedication
Prologue
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Chapter 25
Chapter 26
Chapter 27
Chapter 28
Chapter 29
Acknowledgments
About the Author
Also by Kimberla Lawson Roby
Copyright
About the Publisher
Prologue
Curtis raised the volume on his big-screen TV, slouched farther into the sofa, and sighed with much frustration.
He hadn’t slept peacefully in weeks. But he knew it was all because he’d been tossing and turning, night after night, trying desperately to dismiss the voice he kept hearing. It was a voice that demanded his return to the ministry.
For four long years he’d been trying to appreciate the fifty-thousand-dollar salary he earned as director of a delinquent teens facility, but it just wasn’t working. It wasn’t working because during his pastoral reign at Faith Missionary Baptist Church, he’d become completely accustomed to earning three times more than that—not to mention the thousands of dollars he received in love offerings. He could still remember how most of the members had worshipped the ground he walked on and how loads of women in the church had openly thrown themselves at his mercy. He’d tried to fight them off as best he could, but it wasn’t long before he’d given in to Adrienne Jackson, the wife of one of the deacons. Then there was Charlotte, who was all of seventeen when he’d first begun seeing her and only eighteen when she gave birth to his illegitimate son. But he regretted nothing the way he regretted being caught on videotape having sex with two women he didn’t know. He’d met them at a convenience store and taken them straight to a hotel, but what he hadn’t counted on was their setting him up to be blackmailed. Monique, his disgruntled church secretary, had masterminded the entire scheme, and Curtis had lost everything: his tax-free six-figure income, three-thousand-plus congregation, custom-built dream house, and, most important, his wife and daughter to another man.
Curtis cringed at his latest thought, and then returned his attention to BET’s morning inspiration segment. A world-renowned TV evangelist danced across the pulpit. Curtis had watched four others do the same thing every hour on the hour, and wished he could trade places with any one of them. He watched one massive audience after another rising to their feet, clapping, screaming, and giving high praises to God and the minister who was speaking before them. He watched so instensely that he was now drunk from all the excitement. These people on television reminded him of his own flock, the one he used to have, and he missed having them praise him in the same fashion. He missed the emotional high he always felt whenever he stood before his loyal congregation.
He continued watching the program and envied the evangelist, who wore the same type of suit he’d once worn himself. It had been a long while since he was able to buy anything that cost a thousand dollars, but that was finally about to change. He’d recently been approached by the deacon board of Truth Missionary Baptist Church. Truth was a church that had been founded by approximately one thousand of his former members, right after he was ousted. They were members who either hadn’t believed the rumors they’d heard about him or who merely felt that he deserved to be forgiven the same as anyone else. They’d approached him about being their leader back then, too, but he’d declined when he decided that he no longer wanted to preach. Now, though, their charter pastor had left and taken a position at a church in D.C., and they needed to replace him.
For two weeks Curtis had debated whether he should accept their more than appealing offer, but in all honesty, he really didn’t know how he could pass on it. They were offering him five thousand per week, his choice of any luxury vehicle, and a very respectable housing allowance—something he hadn’t been able to negotiate at his previous church because they’d wanted him to live in some modest church parsonage. They were even willing to overlook the fact that he wasn’t married as long as he found a wife within the first two years of his contract. But Curtis didn’t see a reason to wait that long and was sure that Mariah Johnson, the woman he’d been seeing for the past six months, would jump at the chance to marry him. As a matter of fact, she’d be perfect, because, unlike his ex-wife, Tanya, she knew her place. She was meek, mild, a bit naïve, and completely submissive. She was beautiful but didn’t know it, and the fact that she honored God and always tried to do the right thing wasn’t going to hurt.
Curtis thought about all the rewards he was going to reap and wondered why he was still somewhat hesitant. But deep down he knew what it was. It was his mother and the scripture she had quoted him over and over, whenever he spoke about his desire to be filthy rich. She quoted Mark 8:36: “For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?”
But the more Curtis thought about it, the more he realized that Mark 8:36 really didn’t apply to him. It didn’t apply because he had no desire to gain the whole world.
He only wanted a very small part of it.
The part that rightfully belonged to him.
Chapter 1
A Year Later
Mariah Johnson Black smiled proudly as her husband neared the end of his morning message. It just didn’t seem real, him actually being senior pastor of Truth Missionary Baptist Church or that he’d chosen her to be his wife. It didn’t seem real that he’d wanted a woman who’d grown up in a run-down two-bedroom apartment on the West Side of Chicago that also housed her single mother and five siblings. But he always reminded her that he’d grown up with nothing himself. Still, every now and then, she had to pinch herself, because she couldn’t believe how happy she was. She couldn’t believe they’d only been married six short months, and yet Curtis had already bought her a six-thousand-square-foot house in Covington Park, the most expensive Mercedes that Daimler manufactured, and best of all, she didn’t have to work for anyone. All she had to do was be the best wife she could be to Curtis and the best first lady to their congregation—two things Curtis said his first wife, Tanya, wasn’t capable of. Mariah almost felt sorry for Tanya, because she couldn’t imagine how painful it must have been, once Tanya realized what she’d given up. Curtis had told Mariah about Tanya’s affair with James, and Mariah couldn’t understand how Tanya even considered being with another man. Especially when she had someone as fine-looking and considerate as Curtis. Especially since he had only been with another woman—Adrienne—on two separate occasions. Curtis had told Mariah how he’d apologized and tried to explain everything to Tanya, but that she wasn’t willing to forgive him. He’d tried to make Tanya see that this random act of adultery had only occurred because Satan was trying to attack him and their marriage. He’d told Tanya that the only reason God had allowed it to happen was because He wanted to see how strong their faith was and how committed they were to each other as husband and wife.
But thankfully, all of that was behind them now, and wh
ile she wasn’t happy about Curtis and Tanya’s marriage ending in divorce, she knew it was the only reason she was now sitting on the second pew, dressed in a royal blue suit, a matching hat, matching purse, and matching three-inch heels. Mariah also knew that Curtis would never have paid her the least bit of attention if they hadn’t worked for the same agency. He’d told her more than once that she was beautiful, but she knew it was only because he felt obligated to do so and not because it was true. She’d been a bit on the heavy side growing up, and her schoolmates had teased her daily. So by the time she was a teenager, she’d lost all confidence in herself and in the way she looked.
But in terms of her feelings for Curtis, she’d actually liked him from the very beginning and had fallen in love with him right after their first date. He was strong, compassionate, tall, dark, and handsome, and from that point she started praying for their relationship to become serious. She prayed that God would give her Curtis even if it meant she had to go without something else in life, whatever that had to be. So when he asked her to marry him, she knew for sure that God answered all prayers.
Mariah watched Curtis twirl his hands, demonstrating what he was saying.
“God will allow you to experience every twist and turn in the road until you are as strong as He needs you to be . . . until you are strong enough to deal with any trial or tribulation thrown your way,” Curtis said. “And when it comes to success and prosperity, we have to take the same attitude. Sometimes we find ourselves climbing higher and higher in our chosen careers and all of a sudden a monkey wrench is thrown into the program. And of course, we as human beings don’t understand it. We don’t understand why God would give us such great success and then, for whatever reason, take us down a notch or two. But the best way I can explain it is to tell you what I heard on the radio last week. I was driving along, listening to 106.3, and it was then that I heard T. D. Jakes make one of the most profound statements. He said, ‘A setback is a setup for a comeback.’”
The congregation roared with amens and a good number of people waved their bulletins at Curtis, agreeing with what he was saying.
Curtis thrived on member participation and repeated in song what the crowd wanted to hear him say again. “I said, a setback is a setup for a comeback.”
“Oh, thank you, Jesus!” one woman stood and yelled out.
“Glory be to God!” another added with her hands lifted toward the ceiling.
“Boy, you know you workin’ that Word on us today!” an older gentleman offered.
The organist played a few notes, and Mariah stood with her hands on both hips, waving her head from side to side with quick movements, giving Curtis approval. Then a woman jumped from her seat, shouting her way across three people sitting on the same row. This, of course, was all Curtis needed to see in order to switch into his deep southern preaching mode. He’d told Mariah that he thought it was totally ridiculous to sing the ending of every sermon, but that he’d learned during his days at Faith that his older members didn’t feel like a pastor could preach if he didn’t do a little whooping and singing with it. And since his older members were the major tithe and offering contributors, he gave them what they wanted.
“I saiddd, that Godd, will allow a setback, which is a setup for a great comeback. I hearddd the Bible say, we may endure for a night, but joyyy, I saiddd, joyyy, will come in the morning,” Curtis sang, and then broke out of the pulpit, sobbing and running around the full length of the church, hugging himself tightly. Mariah did the holy dance back and forth across the front of the church, and ten other people did the same thing up and down the center aisle. The spirit was moving frantically throughout the entire church, and continued for almost twenty minutes. Finally, everyone began settling down, and Curtis stood up from where he’d been kneeling and walked back into the pulpit.
“Oh, I tell you, the Holy Spirit is in here today, church,” he announced while wiping sweat from his forehead and neck with a white Ralph Lauren bath towel. One of the women in the health unit had brought it over to him, and Mariah was glad they’d remembered to purchase a stack of them. Curtis had mentioned that the generic ones they’d been bringing him each Sunday were much too rough, and that he would much rather have something made by one of the top designers. That way, he wouldn’t have to worry about the quality after they’d been washed a few times.
“There is nothing like a visit from the Lord,” Curtis continued. “There is nothing in this world that can compare to being in His presence.”
“Amen,” the congregation spoke in agreement.
Mariah was filled with so much joy that she wanted to burst wide open. She was sure that life could never be better than it was today.
Immediately after church, Curtis and Mariah had gone over to Deacon Taylor’s house to have dinner with him and his family. Deacon Taylor was one of the deacons Curtis had appointed just before he lost his position at Faith. The deacon was very loyal to Curtis and dedicated to the church, and he was the primary reason Curtis was now pastor at Truth. He, along with hundreds of Curtis’s former members, had requested that Curtis be considered for the job.
Curtis and Mariah had spent three hours visiting with them and were now walking through the kitchen doorway of their own home. Usually they had afternoon or evening services to attend on Sundays, and Mariah was thankful that this was one of those rare instances when they didn’t.
“Come here, you,” Curtis said, grabbing Mariah playfully yet passionately.
Mariah always felt like melting whenever he pulled her into his arms. She felt so loved and so secure.
“Have I told you how much I love you?” she asked, gazing at him.
“No. Not today, anyway,” he said, smiling.
“Well, I do, Curtis. I love you from the bottom of my soul, and all I want is to make you happy.”
“Baby, you do make me happy. You’ve done that since the first day we started seeing each other.”
“I really hope so, because I’ve heard so many women talking about how easy it is for a man to become bored with his wife. And I don’t ever want you to feel that way. I want you to tell me if there is something wrong or if there is something I can do differently.”
“Look, Mariah, I love you just the way you are. Believe me, I have no complaints.”
Mariah sighed with relief.
Curtis removed her blazer and pecked her on the lips. Then he kissed her neck and her chest. Mariah moaned with every show of affection. Curtis unbuttoned her silk blouse, reached under it, and unsnapped her bra. He caressed her breasts roughly, kissing her at the same time.
“Do you want it here or upstairs?” he teased.
“Upstairs,” she answered.
“No, I think we’d better take care of each other right here. Don’t you?”
“No, sweetheart. Let’s just go upstairs so we can be more comfortable,” she said, pulling him close and kissing him.
“Okay, but first let me watch you undress the rest of the way.”
Mariah always felt fat and uneasy whenever Curtis asked her to do this, but she went ahead and slipped off her blouse, bra, and skirt. Then she removed her nylon hose and panties and took a step toward him.
“No. Don’t move. Just let me look at you. Let me look at what God created,” he said, relaxing on the sofa and locking his hands behind his head.
“Curtis,” she pleaded.
“What? Can I help it if I want to see all of you from head to toe? Because you really are beautiful. Your body is perfect.”
“You know this embarrasses me,” she told him. Not to mention she didn’t think stripping like some nightclub dancer was something a pastor’s wife should be doing, anyway.
“But why does it embarrass you?”
“Because it does.”
“Well, you might as well get used to it, baby, because the main reason God created Eve was so she could pleasure Adam. So, satisfying your husband is part of your duty.”
“I thought Eve was created so that A
dam wouldn’t be lonely, and so he would have a companion?” Mariah asked.
“Companionship, pleasure. Call it whatever you want, but it all means basically the same thing.”
“I guess,” she said, losing the mood because of all this conversation and because he was staring at her.
“Come here,” he said, reaching his hand out to her. “I hate to say this, but I wasn’t truthful with you earlier.”
“You weren’t truthful about what?” she asked, and sat down next to him. She felt nervous and wondered what he was referring to.
“I wasn’t being truthful when I said that I love you just the way you are, and that I have no complaints.”
Mariah was speechless, because the last thing she wanted was for him to be dissatisfied with her.
“You still haven’t given me oral sex, and that’s something I’m used to getting. I know you said you didn’t feel comfortable doing it because it seemed lustful and dirty. But the truth is, God doesn’t have a problem with anything sexual as long as it’s done between a man and his wife.”
“I know you keep saying that, but I need more time, Curtis.”
“How much more time, baby, because I’ve already given you six months. I mean, how much longer am I going to have to wait for something I’ve never had to go without?”
“I promise you I’m going to do it very soon.”
“You don’t seem to have a problem when I do it for you,” he said matter-of-factly.
“But it’s not like I ask you to do it or like it’s required.”
“But I can tell that you love it, and not once can I remember you turning it down.”
Mariah didn’t respond, because she knew he was right. She never, ever turned it down. But even though she enjoyed it, she still felt as though it was somehow unnatural and morally wrong. Especially since Curtis always turned into a ravenous animal whenever they arrived at that point of their lovemaking. He seemed to be obsessed with doing that to her, and it was almost as if he enjoyed it more than she did. But regardless, she just didn’t feel comfortable doing it for him.
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