by Marilyn Grey
Gavin looked at me. I looked at him.
“You feeling okay today, Heidi?” I laughed.
Gavin finally caught on. “Well, nice to meet you, too.”
“You must be Gavin.” She held out her hand, holding back more laughter. “I’ve heard much about you.”
They shook hands as we entered the house. So glad he didn’t say, “Likewise.”
Heidi led us to the bedroom and we got our stuff ready right away. Gavin helped me out sometimes so he knew the drill. We worked in silence for a few minutes until Heidi started up the iPod.
“How long have you two been friends?” She sat on the floor and crossed her legs.
Gavin looked at me. “Too long.”
“You guys seem pretty close.”
“We’ve been best friends since tenth grade,” I said as I focused on painting. “Gavin and I are polar opposites in a lot of ways, but the same in others. I paint on walls, he paints on canvas. We both like coffee, but he likes it hot and I like it cold. We’re both passionate and extreme in some ways, but he’s more consistent and stable, whereas I fluctuate depending on every factor imaginable.”
“He’s not lying.” Gavin laughed. “The guy could be laughing and happy one minute, the next he’s playing depressing songs on the piano and won’t talk to you no matter how much you pry him.”
“At least I am pry-able, oh mysterious one.”
Heidi put her arms behind her back and leaned back. “So how did you guys meet?”
“We went to separate high schools,” I said. “But Gavin was dating a girl at my school and ended up at my homecoming dance. And, well . . . .”
Gavin smiled. “Mine as well spill it all.”
“Both of our dates ended up dancing with the cooler guys all night long. I guess you could say we were destined to be friends.”
Her eyes lit up. “That is hilarious. And you guys were together ever since?”
“Yeah,” Gavin continued our story, “and we helped each other through many failing relationships, which, now that I think of it, all had to do with girls ditching us for someone else.”
“Sounds harsh,” she said . “Guess that’s what happens to the nice guys, huh? They always say nice guys finish last.”
Gavin stopped painting and looked at Heidi. “Who are ‘they’ anyway? That’s what I’d like to know. Why did they have to say anything at all?”
We all laughed. Gavin and I continued painting. Heidi watched, thinking about Andy I’m sure. So thankful for Gavin’s presence in the room. The silence didn’t seem awkward. We just listened to music and painted to the melodies. Minutes added up to an hour and Gavin tapped my shoulder.
I looked behind me. At him. Then her.
She dried her cheeks with her sleeve and caught my gaze.
“I’m sorry,” she said. “It’s this song. And this room.”
Not sure I wanted to know why Weezer’s Buddy Holly had a link to her husband in the bedroom, but I can’t say it didn’t peak my curiosity.
“You okay?” I said instead.
“Thank you guys for doing this. I really appreciate it.”
Gavin and I put our rollers down and sat against an unpainted wall a few feet from her.
One leg up, one leg extended straight, back against the wall, arm resting on knee, Gavin waited a few minutes, knowing I didn’t know how to handle these situations like he did. He could draw the heart out of people like their wells never ran dry. I’d spend hours pulling up buckets and leave with nothing, unless they wanted to offer some for free. He always made people feel better. I tended to remain speechless. He’s the hugger. I’m the listener. Both are nice, but sometimes people just need a hug and I’m a little awkward in the physical affection area.
He reached forward and turned off the music. “Heidi, do you mind if I ask you a personal question?”
She shook her head.
“What do you think life is?”
She fixed her eyes on the bay window ahead of us, inhaled deeply, then tried to speak. Nothing came out. She shook her head.
“I guess what I’m asking is, what is the purpose of your life?”
“I don’t know,” she said. “You caught me off guard because for so long my life wrapped itself around Andy’s heart and I haven’t thought of life outside of him. I’m not sure if I want to.”
“I can understand that,” I said.
“I can, too,” Gavin added. “But I tell this to Matt a lot, and I’ll say it to you as well. When we wrap our lives around people or circumstances they will crumble. Matt’s life is like a roller-coaster because it is based on the things around him, not the things inside of him.”
“Don’t worry, Heidi, he tells me this all the time.”
“No, no. It’s good. Keep going.”
“I know you love Andy and always will, and trust me, I can’t tell you how much I admire that your ring is still firmly planted on your left hand with no desire to be planted anywhere else.”
She twirled the ring on her finger as she focused on Gavin’s words.
He pulled his knees to his chest. “I really admire that. I’d never tell you to change that or move on. I’m sure you hear that enough. What I would tell you is to continue to live your life. Your baby needs you to live. And I know Andy would want you to show your child his life by living it for him. You aren’t just Heidi anymore, when you married him you became one person.”
“I know what you mean,” she said. “I guess that’s why it’s so hard for me to stop crying. A piece of me, literally, is gone.”
“It is, but Andy is alive to you. That’s something you’ve made clear. Why not continue living his life through your own? Obviously you can’t be him, but part of marriage is growing into better people. The years you would have spent together would have been challenging because they would have taught you to grow in areas you are weak and Andy is strong. There’s no reason you have to stop that just because he is gone. Become more like him. Write down his good qualities, the one’s that are opposite of yours. And spend your life growing in those areas.”
“Well, one thing is for sure.” She smiled. “Andy would not be sitting on the floor crying to the painters.”
Ch. 15 | Ella
Waiting for Sarah to come out of the doctor’s office and tell me the news couldn’t have felt longer. Music didn’t even help. Only made me feel worse. So I resorted to silence. Lots and lots of silence. Thoughts bounced back and forth, back and forth, creating enough noise in my brain to make up for the lack of music in my car. I leaned back in the driver’s seat and closed my eyes. My own life flashed in still images on the back of my eyelids, taunting me with the past, teasing me with the anticipated future.
I didn’t want my life to be like this. I expected to play the violin for the rest of my life, serenading my groom on our wedding day. Since that day, that haphazard so-typical-of-Ella day, my life hasn’t been the same. Carefree and unplanned, I was the type of girl who drove hours at random just to see the sunset dye the Chesapeake Bay pink and orange. My parents told me to calm down more times than I can count. Sarah, believe it or not, told me to get serious or I’d never make it anywhere in life. It’s not like I was a party girl. I didn’t stay out late and I didn’t break the rules, or at least not often. I valued this part of my personality so much. Until it completely ruined the one thing I worked my entire life for.
Being a disorganized packer I always waited until the last minute. I had one hour to make it to the airport, not far from me. Plenty of time, I told myself.
The images still haunted me. If I would’ve done one thing different, just one thing, my entire life would be a different story right now. I’d be on a different chapter, in a different plot, in a different setting. The characters would be different, the pages would be interesting, everything would be the way it was supposed to be.
But it’s not.
Sarah tapped on the passengers side window, pausing my journey into the past. I unlocked the door.
I waited.
She beamed. Ear to ear.
“Good news?”
“I told you I’m not going to let this get me down.”
“What happened?”
“It’s called a cone biopsy. They’ll try that first, it may be enough. If not, I won’t be able to have children.”
“You’re smiling?” My heart quickened. “Does this mean you have cancer?”
She nodded. “I’m smiling because you told me to. Don’t tell me not to.”
“It’s okay to react to this, Sarah. You are only human. I am too. This scares me.”
“Honestly, he made me feel a lot better in there today. He explained it all to me and he’s pretty certain that this will be all better. I know it’s depressing to think of my future without pregnancy and labor, but it will be okay. At least I’m alive. At least I’m here. I have a chance. What worried me before was the unknown. What if I went in there and he told me it’s too late? What if he gave me a few months or weeks to live?”
“I know. I can’t even imagine hearing those words, especially this young.”
“That’s what scared me the most. This seems curable. It seems promising. For now, I’m going to enjoy my life and not think about tomorrow, because fact is we could die any moment.”
Images flickered in my mind like an old film. The car accident. His lifeless body. My broken heart.
“You’re right,” I said. “I need to heed that wisdom too.”
Weeks passed. I took care of Sarah and she took care of me in another way. Her spirit drove nails into my self-pity. At first I thought she faked her joy and smiled because I said she should, but the more time passed the more I realized she couldn’t possibly be faking it. She got scared, like any normal person would. She cried, she worried, then she smiled and hasn’t stopped since.
I picked up my purse from the dining room table and called to her, “Smells like you’re cooking something good, huh?”
“Too bad you have to work. I’m making southwest breakfast burritos, all organic and local produce.”
“Save one for me. I’ll be back for lunch.”
As I walked to my car I thought of her new adventures. All organic, no meat. All natural cleaning products and no more makeup and hair stuff. She researched a lot and believed cancer would go away if she got rid of the toxins and ate better. I hoped so.
Living with her, I decided to change the way I ate and lived too. We both decided to give up makeup, which neither of us wore much of anyway. We made our own deodorant, shampoo, cleaning products, and pretty much anything else you can think of from toothpaste to conditioner. I’m amazed at how many uses coconut oil can have. I noticed a difference in my own health and hoped she would too. Cancer is not something I ever wanted to see my best friend go through, especially not so young.
The few positive things I can say that had come from that experience is that Sarah started trying new adventures, we both got healthier, and I almost immediately stopped living in the past and hoping for the future.
Together, Sarah and I decided to live for today. I reminded myself this as I walked to work. The sound of locusts, the brink of autumn, everything made me feel good. Peaceful. At rest. I just hoped it would last.
I unlocked the door of the cafe and turned the sign to “Open,” then meandered around and looked at the art on the walls. I loved my little cafe. Never in a million years would I have imagined myself as the owner of anything. I thought for sure I’d end up playing violin my entire life, traveling the world in great symphonies, doing something that involved the art I so loved, something other than selling it on the walls of Chances.
Yet, chance gave birth to Chances and the only option I had was to accept it and give it all I could.
I walked behind the counter and organized a few things, turned everything on, refilled the receipt paper for the cash register, and handled a few other things before customers would pour in for a good morning treat. I looked up and noticed a man at the front window. He looked away. Something about him looked familiar, but I couldn’t place it. He looked back up. I looked away.
One of those awkward moments. He was actually attractive. If only I could bring myself to make eye contact with him, I thought. When I looked back he was gone. Not meant to be, I guess.
I walked to the front door and caught a glimpse of him before he turned the corner across the street. Converse shoes. Barely tied. My heart raced.
Could it be him?
The him?
I opened the door and realized the sign was turned to closed. How did I manage that?
Someone tapped my shoulder. I jumped and turned around.
“Scare ya?” Dee said, huge smile stretching her cheeks to her ears. “What are you doing out here?”
“I think I saw the Converse shoes guy. Does he have blondish hair?”
“Yep, that’s him alright. He normally comes in right as we open. Says he has some job with a widow or something and he’s been going every day for the last few days or weeks, I can’t remember.” She took a breath. “Did he come in?”
“No. We just made eye contact. I had the closed sign up without realizing it.”
“Interesting. Did he look like Mr. Right?”
“Maybe. I can’t remember details. That night went so fast it feels like a blur in my memory, but crystal clear all at once. I remember his shoes. Yes, they matched the shoes that guy was wearing, but who wears the same shoes for a decade? The guy I saw today had blonde hair. I don’t remember his hair color because he had a hat on that night. I remember his eyes, but to be honest, I don’t remember them well enough. I just feel like when I see him I will know, and I didn’t know when I saw this guy.”
“Well, how do you imagine you will know for sure?”
“I guess I assume he will remember me, we’ll look at each other across the room, and everything will fall into place like a magical movie scene.”
She laughed. “Are you serious?”
I smiled and opened the door of Chances. “Only forty-percent.”
“What do you really think will happen?”
I walked inside and behind the counter. Dee followed.
“I’m going to make myself a coffee,” she said. “Want some?”
“Sure. I’m going to go back to the office now and go through my daily phone calls. Let me know if you need anything.”
“I will.” She turned toward the coffee machine. “And I didn’t forget about my question, but I know you have no idea so you can answer me when you do.”
I smiled and walked to my little nook in the back of the cafe. Dee thought she knew me so well, and she did in many ways. We spent most days together. But she never knew me well enough to figure out what my silent moments meant. Sarah could figure me out most of the time. Other than her, people always misread my hushed responses. I liked that. And I couldn’t wait for the right man to come along. The man who would be able to read me as though I’m literally a part of him. Because I would be a part of him.
I sat down in my chair and looked at the stack of papers in front of me, then pictured myself feeding my kids chocolate chip pancakes instead of sitting in an office. It didn’t make sense. All of this life stuff. Most of my friends found the man of their dreams and started a family shortly after. The man of their dreams. I don’t have enough fingers to count the amount of weddings I’ve been to in my short life. Teary-eyed joyful weddings. Some have been happily-ever-after, some not so much, but either way they found someone to spend their lives with, for better or worse. Sarah’s health concerns definitely helped me find contentment, but every now and then when I sat in front of these papers, at this same old desk, I couldn’t help but wonder how much longer I needed to wait to find the man for me. Would I find him?
I guess that’s the bigger question. Does he exist? Is he a fantasy? Are my expectations too high?
Dee came in and set a steamy cup on my desk. “What’s going on in your mi
nd? You look deep in thought.”
“Oh, I don’t know Dee. Just seems like an eternity when you’re waiting for the one thing you’ve always wanted. Remember what Christmas Eve was like as a kid? That complete anticipation of what was to come. You knew you were going to get gifts, but what would they be? Would you get what you wanted? You could barely sleep, barely dream, just toss and turn and stare at the window until a ray of sunshine told you it was morning.” I sipped my coffee and waited for her reaction. She didn’t have one, so I continued with my rant. “I guess I feel like that, only more intense. I want to open the gift already, but at the same time I wonder if the gift will be anything like what I wanted. And if it’s not, will I be happy with it anyway?”
She sipped her coffee. The bells rang in the front of the shop. I nodded and she walked out to greet the customer. Maybe I didn’t want to hear her response anyway. I knew it was selfish of me to think that way even as a child. Why didn’t I care more about giving presents? I always wanted to receive them and when I didn’t get everything I wanted I actually got depressed. So depressed that I couldn’t enjoy the few gifts I did want, because I didn’t receive every single gift on my list. Yes, Dee would have definitely reminded me of this. She seemed like a tough girl on the outside. Many people had mistaken her for a self-centered person because of her appearance. She did spend a lot of money on her punk rocker style, but underneath she cared more about others. She always helped others. Went completely out of her way, and like most people besides me . . . she just lived without wishing for things she didn’t have.
Eh, she’s younger, I’d tell myself. Wait until she’s thirty and still single.
Yes, I responded to myself, but you made this choice.
Sarah’s smile lit up my thoughts. So much more to life than this nonsense. I really needed to stop thinking about marriage so much.
Dee entered the room again. “So?”
“What?”
“Ready?”
I blinked a few times. “Ready?”
“There’s a man out here who would like to see you.”
