by A. m Madden
“Seriously? What the hell, Brae? You lied.”
“A lie to help a friend is forgiven.”
“Says who?”
“Me… and Des and Cass. We’re all in agreement.” She waggled a finger between me and Kyle. “You two need to talk, and there was no other way to get you to.”
Jude appeared with her coat and bag. After he helped her into it, she leaned up and kissed his mouth. “Thanks, baby.” The intimacy between them made me want to spit nails for so many reasons.
Still holding my wine, I fisted my hip. “Where do you think you’re going?”
“To go grab dinner,” she said as if it were obvious. “Your dinner is on the kitchen island, so help yourselves. Have fun, kids.”
The lovebirds walked out of their own apartment, and all I could do was stand there and gawk. Something between fury and disbelief caused the fist on my hip to clench. As if having a mind of its own, my other hand lifted to my mouth, enabling it to take a large gulp of the wine.
“Don’t be mad at her. She’s just trying to help.” My eyes cut to where he was now standing instead of sitting.
“You knew about this?” His curt nod spoke volumes. He looked so dejected, my heart hurt.
“Yes. I tried to tell her to let you be, but she wouldn’t listen.” He still wore his white dress shirt from work, opened at the collar with both sleeves rolled up to reveal those arms that I loved so much. His black slacks fit him perfectly from waist to feet. The way they creased over his black leather loafers was weirdly sexy as hell. When he lifted his right hand and dragged it through his hair, I remembered how that hand felt when he finger-fucked me.
I couldn’t start breaking down all the parts of him I missed or this night would take a dangerous turn. “Kyle…”
“Look,” he cut me off, “I know you don’t want to be here. And I’m not going to force anything to happen, it’s not how I roll. For some reason, Brae seems to think we have unspoken business between us. She wouldn’t divulge what it was, claiming it wasn’t her story to tell. But if that’s what it’ll take to get some closure, then I think we should indulge her. I also think you owe me that.”
It wasn’t fair to push him away without explaining myself. Resigned that he was right, and so was Brae, I said, “Fine. Let’s talk.”
He watched as I placed the wine down and removed my coat, tossing it on one of the club chairs in the corner. With a wave of his hand, he motioned for me to sit on the couch beside him. Instead of sitting, I stared at the space. It was too close for comfort, and there were at least ten other places to sit in the room. At my hesitation, he sat first, leaving a long stretch of couch for me to choose from.
Slowly, I moved toward him and sat a few feet away. The black leather separating us seemed ridiculous. I’d done all sorts of lewd things with this man and chastised myself for appearing like a bitch. The fact was, I wasn’t a bitch. I was a woman tormented between my past experience with love and a new one that was now knocking at my door… a door I had dead-bolted shut years ago.
It didn’t matter what my justifications were for my behavior. If he wasn’t told otherwise, the label of bitch was deserved.
He bridged the gap moving closer and laid his arm along the back of the couch. I hoped he didn’t touch me because I couldn’t guarantee that wouldn’t cause me to catapult into his arms. “Have you been okay this week?”
I remained sitting with both legs pressed together. I could feel his gaze on my profile at the same time as a lump formed in my throat. Swallowing past it, I shook my head. “No, not really.”
“I know he probably gave you hell for taking off last week. I’m sorry, Nessa. I feel responsible for that.” Guilt added to the mix of emotional bullshit that swirled within me. This wasn’t his fault as much as it was Robert’s fault for dying. “But to cut off your friends and sulk every night in your apartment is not the answer.” I should have been pissed at my traitorous friends, but the anger wouldn’t surface.
Brae’s comment that my behavior had little to do with my job rang true in my mind. She was right in that nothing had really changed at work. It was time to come clean and let Kyle in on my atypical behavior. “Kyle, this isn’t about my job.” I turned, mimicking his posture, bringing our knees a few inches apart. “It’s about you.”
My words caused genuine confusion to alter his features. “Me?”
“Yeah.”
“Nessa, you asked for space, and I gave it to you.”
“You have, physically at least.” I could tell his wheels were turning with tons of questions, but he remained silent. Reluctantly, I pulled in a huge breath and released it like a professional yogi would. “Kyle, I wasn’t prepared for you to crash into my life as you have. And I’m sure you’re thinking I’m just a cold-hearted bitch who is afraid of commitment.” This time his silence caused me to laugh. “I don’t think you’re a cold-hearted bitch, Nessa,” I said in a deep masculine voice with a stern expression on my face.
It was his turn to laugh. “I don’t think that… not the cold-hearted part at least. I believe you have a kind heart.”
“Um… gee thanks?” Again, he chuckled and shrugged. “Well, I apologize for making you think I was a kind-hearted bitch, but really that wasn’t my intention. The truth is, I have no clue how to navigate the feelings you managed to dig out of the concrete that formed around my heart. Nor do I have any idea what to do with these feelings now that you brought them to the surface.”
“What kind of feelings?”
“You know damn well what kind, Kyle.” Regardless of my accusation, he didn’t budge in helping me out at all. Annoyingly, he continued to sit and stare. “Look, I’m not conceding that I’m okay with feeling them. I do apologize for how I handled things when you opened up to me. That was really shitty, and I’m sorry. But, I can’t go down this road again. Nor can I believe I’d somehow survive a second round of heartbreak.”
He moved closer and took my hand. “Vanessa, I’d never hurt you. I don’t know who did, and if you aren’t ready to tell me now, then I hope someday you can. But I’d never intentionally break your heart.”
“I know that, Kyle. That’s exactly the problem.”
“I’m not going to pretend I have any idea what you mean,” he said, frustration lacing every word out of his mouth, every expression on his face.
Lifting my free hand, I gripped my forehead, trying to lessen the pounding that began between my temples. When I dropped my hand and looked into his eyes, their sky blue depths forced me to choke back a sob. “My heart wasn’t broken because someone intentionally hurt me. It was broken because my boyfriend, Robert, died. Without warning, in the prime of his life, he just left me to live without him while trying to glue together the fragments of my shattered heart.”
Kyle’s mouth gaped open in shock. With that one statement, all the pieces of the puzzle in Kyle’s mind merged to reveal the whole picture. The tears surfaced as they always did when I spoke of Robert. Kyle used his other hand to gently wipe one away. Apparently, that contact wasn’t enough for him when he suddenly gripped my upper arms and pulled me onto his lap.
The way he soothed me as I cried made it worse. This man killed me with his affections, and his love, almost as much as losing Robert had.
“Baby, I’m so sorry for your loss and that you had to go through that heartbreak. I wish I could undo what you’ve been through. But the selfish prick in me would have to admit you wouldn’t be in my life if you hadn’t had to endure that horrific event.” He moved back enough to grip my chin and lift my head. Once he had my attention, he softened his voice. “Things happen for a reason, Vanessa. I’m not suggesting Robert had to die for you to find happiness. What I’m saying is, maybe this is the universe telling you it’s time to be happy again?”
I couldn’t speak, not one word could find its way out of the sobs racking my body. It all felt cathartic in a heart-wrenching way. He gently placed his lips on mine, just once. When he pulled away, he palmed m
y face. “Before you, I didn’t believe in soul mates. The day Jude married Brae, even seeing them so in love and so wrapped around each other, I was still skeptical. I couldn’t relate, but now I get it. I know I was meant to meet you and feel I was destined to be with you. I love you, Vanessa. Let me.”
The way he stared into my eyes combined with his no bullshit declaration was hard to combat against. The fight, the need to push him away, left me like a spirit leaving a body. In that moment, I knew I lost my self-imposed battle. All I had feared for all those years, experiencing the crushing pain deep in my heart, seemed insignificant now.
It should have all terrified me because if I were to lose him, my sorrow would no doubt end me a second time around. Yet, as much as I never wanted to go through such heartbreak again, having this man beside me, confessing his love for me, made me realize something. Not having Kyle Cleary in my life from that day on would be worse than what I had already endured. I needed him, and in that moment I knew I couldn’t live without him.
“You know what else, Vanessa?” He caught the tears that silently rolled down my face. With a warm smile that lit up those beautiful eyes, he nodded and said, “I believe you love me, too.”
I couldn’t argue with that. He was absolutely right.
Chapter 25
Kyle
She didn’t even look surprised at my suspicion. I knew deep down, just like she did, that she did love me. Getting her to say the words was a different story. “Talk to me, Nessa, please.” The fact that this poor woman had been through hell—a hell I couldn’t even bring myself to imagine, pained me.
Her red-rimmed eyes met mine. “When Robert died, not only did I lose him, I lost a part of myself. Getting through a loss like that was something I promised my heart I’d never force it to do again. The only way I could ensure that was not to fall in love.” She sniffed. “Then you came along. Your charm, wit, and the ability to make me forget. That’s what you did. When we were in California, I was so happy. Not just because I was able to see things I had always wanted to, but because I was seeing them with you.”
That last comment triggered something inside of me. “Did you feel guilty because you were experiencing things Robert never would?” When she shrugged, I knew she did. “Baby, don’t you think he’d want you to love again? Maybe Robert was the first note in your life. The one that taught you how to love and to be loved. But, you need to allow the rest of the notes to breathe—you need to allow yourself to love again.”
“I know that now. I’ve been so scared, Kyle. When I thought about how great it would be to fall in love again, fear hit and I pushed back…”
“And you asked for space?”
“Yes.”
“Do you still want it?”
She tucked her hair behind her ear and shook her head from side to side. “No, I don’t think I do. It was futile anyway.” A half chuckle/half sniff escaped her. “All I did with my space was think about you.” I quirked a brow and smirked. “You know, for the most part.”
“Are you saying you love me?” As soon as that question flew from my mouth, I stopped her. “Wait, don’t answer that yet.” I shifted my body and gently slid out from under her.
When Jude called to tell me about Brae’s plan to get us together tonight, I made sure to bring what I made for her. I worked on it before we left for California, but it needed something. Then when we got back, I perfected it.
I walked to my blazer that was draped over a dining room chair and pulled the gift I had for her out of the inside pocket. It wasn’t wrapped in any fancy paper, just a no-frills blue box.
She looked at it curiously when I handed it to her. “What is it?”
“Open it.”
When she flipped the top up and pulled out the green tinted elongated bottle, her tear-stained face brightened. “Nessa?”
I took the bottle from her, untwisted the top, and put a bit of it on my finger. When I looked to her, she licked her lips. Of course, my first instinct was to drag it between her breasts, and taking it upon myself to assume she had thought the same, I merely said, “Later.”
With a coy smile, she extended her right arm. I dabbed it on the inside of her elbow before sliding my finger down to her wrist.
She brought her nose to her wrist and sighed. “Wow, it’s beautiful.” Just like you, I thought but kept my comment to myself. Her swallow was audible. “You made this for me?”
I knew that question was redundant because she was the only Nessa I knew. But, I humored her anyway. “Yes.”
Vanessa sat back on the couch, staring at the bottle in her grasp. The seductive scent lingered in the air which started to feel thick. I snapped my fingers to break the tension. “I know what I forgot to put in it.” When I went to snag the bottle from her, she jerked her arm back.
“What?”
“Phenylethylamine.”
“What-a-what-a-mean?”
“It’s a chemical that is supposed to help people fall in love. It releases…”
She stopped my words with a raised hand. “I don’t need the explanation any more than you needed to add it to this perfume.”
“Vanessa Monroe, are you saying that you are in love with me?” I asked with a smug smirk.
Her eyes narrowed. “You’re going to make me say the words, aren’t you?”
“Damn straight I am.”
“Fine, Lyle Cleary, I love you.”
“It’s Kyle. Ky… with a K… Kyle.”
“Whatever.”
We both laughed at her dumbass Lyle joke, which was the name she had mistakenly called me the first time we all hung out as a group.
“Nope, still not satisfied.” I took the bottle and placed it on the table. Without warning, I then flipped our bodies until she was flat on her back and I hovered over hers on the couch. “Say it again.”
All humor from her expression evaporated. “I love you, Kyle.”
“I know,” I said with a smirk. “And I love you, too, Nessa.”
Our mouths fused together in a not-so-gentle kiss. It was evident how much we missed each other’s touch and taste. “I want to make love to you, Kyle.”
I could have easily taken her right here on the Sorens’ couch. But not only did the thought of them coming home make me rethink that decision, so did the fact that I wanted to wake up with her in my arms.
“Come home with me.”
Vanessa
All of this was so different to me. Even saying those three words, which I had said before, had new meaning now. When we walked into Kyle’s apartment, a warm feeling settled in my heart. It may have been nerves or the fact that we were a couple now… I suspected it was happiness.
I thought we’d burst through his door in a frenzy, but it wasn’t like that. Of course, we’d have to be sure that passion we shared since day one didn’t fizzle out. And knowing Kyle, that would never happen. We’d have plenty of time for the raunch. This moment, however, needed to be special.
“Can I please use your bathroom?”
Kyle lowered his brow and laughed. “Sweetheart, you don’t need to ask. You can use the one in my room. I’ll wait for you on my bed… naked.”
I needed to buy some time to put my plan into action. “Can you please pour me a glass of wine? And since we never ate all that food Brae had for us, do you mind if we order something?”
My stomach rumbled at the mere thought of eating. “Of course. Anything in particular?” He walked into the kitchen and pulled out an array of menus, fanning them like a deck of cards.
“How about Mexican? I remember you telling me it’s your favorite.”
Kyle nodded with an electric smile. I rolled up on my toes, circled my arms around his neck, and pulled him toward me. Our kiss was slow, gentle, and if I didn’t release him, my plan would be for naught and we’d never have dinner.
When I walked into his bedroom, every one of my senses were assaulted. I loved his room and the tranquility of the space. His bed was perfectly made, there w
asn’t an article of clothing to be found—unlike my room where last night’s clothing was still on my bed. But my favorite thing was the way his cologne permeated the air and forced me to take a deep breath. I’d say he should bottle it, but he already had.
Sliding open his closet door, I pulled out one of his many white dress shirts. Once I was in his bathroom, I clicked the door closed and took off my clothes, leaving just my mint green lace bra and matching thong. I knew he’d love it since it complemented the color of my eyes.
When I looked at the heap on the floor guilt flooded me, so I folded them and placed them neatly on his vanity. I couldn’t help but chuckle as I did so.
Snagging my purse, I slicked some gloss over my lips and applied a touch more of “Nessa” between my breasts and behind my ear. I slid on his shirt, buttoning it up to my cleavage. I stared into the mirror and smiled. If someone would have told me, that I would have fallen in love again, I wouldn’t have believed them. Even less believable was who I ended up falling in love with. We were so much alike, not wanting anything serious, yet there we were. Looking back, the transformation that we made, now seemed so obvious.
Three gentle knocks made my heart race. “Nessa, dinner is on the way up,” came through the door.
“Okay, I’ll be out in just a minute.”
“Are you okay? Do you need anything?”
“I’m fine. I’ll meet you in the living room. Don’t forget my wine.”
“Okay, your wine is poured.” Silence followed so I thought he was gone but then he spoke once more, “Hey, Nessa?”
“Yes?”
“I love you. Don’t make me wait much longer or I’m coming in there.”
My heart flipped, hearing him blurt that out, and not in a bad way. I had no idea why the universe gifted me with two amazing men, but this time around I wasn’t going to take one moment with Kyle for granted.
Not wasting anymore time, I cracked the door open to make sure I was alone. Confirming it was just me in the room, I tiptoed across his floor and slid on my pumps.
