by Anna B. Doe
Amelia’s cheeks are wet with tears. And now, when I’m not driven with my lust for her, I can feel that her hands are not gripping my shirt and pulling me closer.
No, she’s pushing me away.
Amelia
I cover my mouth with my hand to stop the sob that wants to come out so badly.
We stand there for a few seconds—or is it hours?—looking at each other. I can’t move; my feet won’t listen to me no matter how much or how loud I scream in my head for them to start moving.
I’m that shocked.
My hands are shaking, drenched in a cold sweat, and my breathing is heavy and uneven. My heart is beating so strongly I’m afraid it’ll crack my ribs. I can feel saltiness in the corner of my lips from the tears that I can’t stop from falling down.
Why am I crying?
I promised myself I wouldn’t.
I shouldn’t.
He isn’t worth it.
No boy is worth my tears.
After what feels like an eternity, my legs finally get a clue, and I wiggle out of his hands that are still on my body and start running like crazy out of the room.
The hallway is dark, but even that doesn’t slow me down. I have to get away from Derek King. As far and as fast as possible.
He kissed me.
He really kissed me.
I can still feel the pressure of his lips over mine. The texture and warmth of his mouth, and I hate myself for even thinking about it. His smell—the smell of ice—surrounds me like a cloud, reminding me of his arms moving all over my body. I can feel Goosebumps rise all over my skin, and there is a small flutter in my stomach. It makes me hate all of this even more.
“Amelia!”
I’m stomping down the stairs when I hear heavy footsteps coming from behind me. His voice calls me to come back, but I don’t turn around. I don’t stop, or even slow down. I keep moving until my feet touch the last step and I’m on the ground floor and there is light around me. It may be dim, but it’s better than darkness.
Darkness is vile. Sinister. It hides secrets and lies and it makes you believe, if only for a second, that the wrong could be right.
Feel so right.
You can let yourself be deceived, but there is no way you’ll come out of the darkness unharmed. While walking through the dark, you don’t know where you’re going or what you’ll find on your way and it’s so easy to get burned.
Boys like Derek ... They don’t kiss girls like me in the light of the day. Or the dim light of a hallway for the matter.
“Amelia!” he shouts again, this time closer to me.
I try to speed up, but just as I’m turning around the corner, I bump into Brook.
“Where the hell have you been Lia? I’ve been–” she trails off as her piercing green eyes take in my face. “What’s wrong?”
“I–” I utter, but no other words come out of my mouth. It’s like my brain is stuck and the only thing I can do is repeat that kiss in my mind. Over and over and over again.
“Amelia!” My name is a huffed sound that comes from behind. My shoulders stiffen and my whole body goes rigid.
Brook’s eyes, still on mine, harden in a second. Anger flashes in her irises and if looks could kill, her eyes would be a deadly weapon right about now.
Brook lifts her narrow eyes and looks over my shoulder at him. I swallow a big lump that formed in my throat and shut my eyes close. Taking a deep, shaky breath in I will my body to stand still.
My best friend takes a step around me and stands in front of me, like her small, skinny frame can shield me from him. But that’s Brook. Fierce and loyal. Strong and protective. Sarcastic and sassy. All wrapped up into one tiny package.
“I should have known it was you,” she spits out, her voice dangerously low.
“I just wanted…”
“You just wanted to get the hell away from Lia! That’s what you wanted,” she shouts at him.
Their voices are the only sound I can hear. Did the music stop? Is the party over and that’s the reason Brook came looking for me? I’m not sure. My mind is probably playing games with me because the only thing I can hear is their voices and rapid thumping of my heart.
“But…”
“Go!” she cuts him off again. “You are only making her miserable.”
“What’s going on here?” A new voice joins the argument as Brook’s words still linger in the air.
I lift my head abruptly and my eyes widen when I see Max standing in the middle of the hallway, his hands crossed over his wide chest, his grey eyes the darkest shade possible. The color of the sky in the storm.
Not far behind him are Jeanette and Andrew.
Jeanette’s eyes move from one person to another, a blank mask on her face. Andrew, on the other hand, looks highly amused. His famous, arrogant smirk is in place as he looks at the drama unfolding in front of him.
As soon as she hears his voice, Brook turns around on her heels and points her finger at Max. I have never seen her so worked up before; the smoke is coming out of her ears and she’s spitting venom.
“Nothing that concerns you, Sanders.” Brook stands in front of him, poking her finger in his chest. “If it weren’t for you, nothing like this would have happened. But no, you had to come here and mess everything up.”
“Brook, it’s not his fault,” I murmur at her at the same time Jeanette comes to stand by her brother’s side and pushes Brook away.
“Don’t you dare talk to him like that! He didn’t do anything but be nice to you, and you are being your bitchy self all the damn time.”
“Ohh, like you are one to talk! Miss I couldn’t feel if emotions bit me in the ass…”
“Brook, stop it!” I come between the two of them who are now chest-to-chest, shouting insults at one another. “Stop it, all of you!”
The dead silence falls over us. Everybody’s eyes are now glued to my tear stained face. Taking a deep breath in I, look over all of them.
Well, mostly all.
I’m not looking at him.
“Stop fighting,” I repeat, this time my voice is back to normal level. “Brook I know you are worried, but I’m fine. Nothing happened.”
She doesn’t look convinced, but I keep pleading her with my eyes to drop it and we’ll talk about it later. We’ve always been connected on this instinct level, being able to communicate with our eyes only. “Really,” I repeat, hoping to soften her so that we can finally be out of here.
“Fine,” she agrees grumpily. “Have it your way, but I’m not apologizing.”
“Ohh, we wouldn’t want…”
“Jeanette!” Max’s voice is stern as he stops his sister from finishing the sentence. “Enough.”
“What’s going on here?” We all turn to look at the newcomer.
Diamond Morgan.
Queen of Greyford High.
Her blond hair is curled, and she’s wearing a thigh-high, pink dress that barely covers her ass. “Is there a private party going on here?” She giggles looking between us, well, the male part of our group anyway. The sound is so irritating I want to groan out loud.
“Nah, we’re just talking.” Andrew shrugs, but his smug smile doesn’t fall from his lips.
Diamond’s blue eyes shift from one person to another. When they meet mine, they narrow slightly, but then she’s all smiles again as she walks toward Derek, her hips moving from side to side seductively.
Her hands curl around his upper arm as she leans into him and bats her eyelashes. “Come dance with me?”
Derek looks around, looking almost lost. Diamonds fingers grip him tighter and she starts pulling him away.
Don’t feel anything.
He’s leaning over me.
You can’t feel anything.
His hand is wrapped around mine.
He’s not worth it.
Our fingers intertwine tightly.
No more tears.
His lips touch mine.
I repeat it over and over again
, but it hurts all the same.
I turn to look at Max. “Can you take us home now?”
The drive back to my house is filled with tense silence.
Max is driving while Jeanette is riding shotgun, although it’s technically her car. She’s staring out of the window, not uttering a world since Max raised his voice at her.
Brook is sitting behind Jeanette—lesser of two evils—also looking out the window. We didn’t even turn on the radio, just let the uncomfortable silence fill the small space.
When Max finally stops in front of the house, Brook can’t get out fast enough. She almost jumps out while the car is still moving, murmuring hastily good night before slamming the door shut.
Apologizing and thanking them once again, I say good night and join Brook who is waiting for me to unlock the front door for her.
After we sneak into the house, making minimum noise, we quickly change into our pajamas and climb into bed.
I’m surprised my mom didn’t wait for us, excited to hear all of our stories from our first party, but the house is covered in darkness. Only a small table lamp is on in the hallway so that we don’t bump into something as we make our way to my bedroom.
It’s better that way. I don’t have to explain why my eyes are reddish and Brook doesn’t have to explain why she’s in one of her moods.
We don’t say much as we prepare to go to bed. I guess both of us need some time to think through everything that happened and process it. I sure need that.
The light is turned off, and we snuggle into our blankets. I’m not expecting her to speak, but I’m not surprised she does either.
“Will you tell me what happened with you-know-who?” she whispers in the dark.
She is lying on her side of the bed on her back, staring at the ceiling, like usual. She said looking at the glow in the dark stars that we shattered all around my ceiling calms her down.
I, on the other hand, liked to sleep on my side, but I switch my position and lay like her. For this conversation, I don’t want to look her in the eyes. It’s a cowardly thing to do, but I don’t care. So much has happened today that I feel like I’ve had one wild ride on an emotional rollercoaster.
“He kissed me,” I whisper back.
I don’t know why we are whispering. We never do that. Talking quietly? Yes. Sneaky whispering? No. But this seemed as good time as any to start. It reminds me of those Rom-Com movies in which teenage girls whisper about boys they like and want to kiss. I guess we aren’t far from the subject either.
When Brook doesn’t say anything, I expand. “Derek. He…,” I swallow hard before repeating, “He kissed me.”
“What?” I can hear her shifting in the bed, sheets rustling as she moves. I can feel her eyes looking at me, but I don’t look back at her. I keep staring at the ceiling as I tell her how his behavior changed lately.
“He calls me little one,” I explain at the end, not even knowing why this is important.
Brook sighs loudly and returns to her initial position. We are quiet again for so long that I think she gave up and went to sleep, but then she surprises me with her next words, “He’s jealous, you know?”
“Jealous?” I ask dumbly, turning my head to look at her. “At who?”
She turns her head and rolls her eyes at me as if I just asked one of the dumbest questions of all the time. “Of Sanders, of course. Of who else would he be?”
“What?” I sit up straight in bed, frowning at her. “Why would he be jealous of Max?”
“Please, Lia.” She laughs at me. “From the day Max stepped his foot in the school, even in the town, he was all over you. Max likes you and he is always around. So, of course, Derek doesn’t like that Max likes you.”
“You are not making much sense,” I tell her, shaking my head. “Derek can’t stand me.”
“So you’d like to think,” she disagrees. “Derek always liked you; he was just being a jerk about it. Guys don’t know how to express their feelings and they think if they do it, their friends will tease them or god knows what. Derek thought he was safe, that you wouldn’t look at another guy, and when he’s ready he’ll come to you and you’ll wait for him, but now that Sanders is in the picture he actually has a worthy opponent.”
Could she be right? Is Derek jealous of Max? And if that really is the case, does it change anything?
Brook turns her head my way, a smug smile on her lips. “How was it?”
When I raise my brows at her question, she continues, “The kiss. How was it?”
The heat rises and floods my cheeks. I can only be grateful that it’s night and we are lying in the dark room so she can’t see me.
“It was …” I drift, thinking about her question.
How was it really?
There was so much going on at that moment, that I didn’t let myself think about how was it. The only thing that was going through my mind at that moment was that the boy who didn’t like me and whom I didn’t like took my first kiss without permission because he thinks another kid wants to take away his favorite toy and he doesn’t like to share. The same boy whom I was once in love with, but he broke my heart and now when I don’t want to have anything to do with him, he’s always around.
Demanding and arrogant.
But was it bad? How would I even know? It isn’t like I had anything to compare it with. I just know he is too much. Things he does to me, the way he makes me feel, it’s all too much.
“Complicated,” I finally finish.
“Well, that’s the two of you. But, Lia?” I turn around to look at her. The smile is gone from her face, replaced by a serious expression. “Be careful. I know you’ve liked him for like forever ...”
“I hate him ...” When Brook only raised her brow, I press my lips in a tight line but continue. “I do, since that day ... everything changed. I changed. Andrew maybe started all of the teasing ...”
“Bullying, Lia. What he, what they did to you, that’s called bullying. And Derek stood by him the whole time, saying nothing, doing nothing.”
I acknowledge her words with a nod, but don’t accept nor deny them. Nothing we say or do now will change the past, so I don’t see the point.
I sigh and lay down on the bed, this time intending to finally go to sleep. However, my thoughts are wondering, and I can’t stop thinking about all that happened tonight.
Slowly, with the tip of my finger, I trace my lower lip.
“Hey, Brook?” I mumble.
“Yes, Lia?”
“Have you ever been kissed?” I have to ask. After all this drilling about kissing and boys, it is only fair that I ask her about it.
We never talk about boys or kissing. It’s just not who we are. Brook and me, we are simple. We think about school and our future and trying to find a way out of this town. We do the things that make us happy, finding our solace in the world of art and imagination.
Boys, they just don’t fit in our carefully organized lives.
They are too big, too loud, too demanding.
Everything we are not.
Yet still, somehow they found a way to enter our lives and turn them upside down.
Her body stiffens next to mine, and I can feel it even with all of the blankets separating us. When Brook withdraws emotionally it feels like somebody opened the window during the snowstorm for all the cold and ice to enter the house.
“No, I haven’t been,” she whispers even lower than before and then she turns her back to me and goes to sleep.
She is lying.
I know it.
And she knows I know it.
But I’m not about to press her if she doesn’t want to tell me.
Brook carries her secrets close to her heart. It’s not something new or surprising. She carefully wraps them up and shoves them into a box, hiding them from everybody. Including herself.
Sometimes I wonder what is really going on in her life, what is she hiding, but I have a feeling that I really don’t want to know. I have a feel
ing those secrets are so dark and painful this is the only way for her to deal with them. But no matter how afraid I am of them, I’m even more afraid of what they are doing to her, how they are eating her alive. I would rather share her burden, no matter how heavy it is than watch her break under it.
One day, hopefully, she’ll let me. One day she’ll realize I’m strong enough to help her overcome whatever’s been bothering her. I just hope I’m not too late.
I just hope they don’t break her before I make it through to her.
The rest of the weekend is pretty uneventful. I was surprised because I totally expected for Derek to barge in and demand some kind of answer or explanation or something, but I’m glad I was wrong.
Brook’s words couldn’t seem to leave my mind. And although his kiss left me begging for more, I know she’s right.
For years Derek stood by his best friend and watched him be terrible toward me and other kids that got in his way. He rarely joined in, but he never tried to stop him, which makes him as guilty as Andrew is.
I can’t let one kiss make me forget all of that. It doesn’t matter that I can still feel the pressure of his lips on mine or feel the butterflies jump in my stomach when I think about him. It doesn’t matter that the sound of his voice excites me and undoes me at the same time.
Even if I could forget about the past, I’ll never be sure about his intentions. Did he really change because he feels something for me or is it simply because another guy wants my attention?
I don’t think I’ll ever find out the truth. So, the best thing is for me to stay away.
With that thought, I park my car and get out. My feet barely touch the ground when I hear him calling my name.
So much for staying away.
Without looking or even acknowledging him, I hurry in the direction of the school.
“Amelia, wait!”
His heavy, hurried footsteps follow behind me, and I know it’s only a matter of seconds before he reaches me.
“Amelia! We have to talk about what happened the other day!”
Hmm ... No, we don’t.
“You can’t avoid it forever.”
