by Anna B. Doe
The drive isn’t too long, and I spend most of the time singing softly along with the radio. I’m not really good at it, but I enjoy good music and like singing and humming to the songs while doing other stuff like drive a car, clean, or when I’m in the shower. Enthusiasm is what counts, right?
I turn onto Derek’s street. The houses here are bigger and way nicer than in my neighborhood. They have big front yards with shiny, new cars parked in front of the house and probably also big backyards, some of them with pools or hot tubs.
Finally, I find the house I’ve been looking for with Derek’s SUV parked in front of it and small, red Cabriolet next to it.
His Mom’s?
I know Derek is an only child and that his parents both work at the hospital. Doctor and a nurse, if I remember correctly, but that doesn’t strike me as a car his Mom would drive and it looks fairly familiar.
I park my old car in the empty space in front of his house and take the bag from the passenger seat. I step out of the car and slowly walk to the front door, my eyes still glued to the Cabriolet.
Why does it look familiar?
Greyford is a small town, but not that small.
Just as I’m close enough to climb a few stairs and come to the door, it opens and a girl comes out of the door. She turns around elegantly on her heels, her short, red skirt swaying with the motion around her tights.
“You have to go…” I hear him murmur softly, but he doesn’t get much out because her hands are around his shoulders—his completely exposed shoulders—and her mouth lands on his.
I stand there, frozen in my tracks, my mind empty with the shock of what’s in front of my eyes. I stand there, watching as they part their lips and deepen the kiss right in front of me, too lost in their own world to notice me standing there. Watching.
There’s a sound, painful and struggled, that breaks through my shock and snaps them out of their passionate haze. They both turn around to look at me, and that’s when I know it’s me. The sound came out of my mouth.
I smack a hand over my mouth to stop any other sound from coming out of my lips. We all are just standing there. Nobody moves, talks or even breathes.
It’s like we are stuck in time and space.
Derek is standing there with only a towel around his narrow hips. His perfect, bare chest is on full display to the world. Surprise and shock are written all over his face as he looks down at me.
The girl, one of Diamond’s friends, is still standing next to him, so close that their bodies are touching and her hand lays on his shoulder like it belongs there. Her bright red lips are curled into a smug smile, lipstick smeared around, as her light eyes meet mine. She’s so much like Diamond that I shudder under her piercing gaze.
“Amelia–”
“I’m sorry,” I manage to utter in a hurry before running away. My eyes are so blurry I don’t see anything, but that doesn’t stop me from running away.
I hear him calling my name, but the only good thing about his half-naked state is that he can’t follow me around like that.
While sliding into the car, I bump my leg against the steering wheel so hard that it’ll probably leave a dark, angry bruise on my skin, but I don’t let even that slow me down.
In some weird way, the physical pain helps dull the emotional pain.
At first, I’m too shocked to feel anything but empty, but now that shock has worn off, I can clearly feel my heart cracking open once again. The scarred parts of my heart, the ones that manage to be mended over the years, are again open and bleeding.
It hurts.
It hurts so damn much.
I swallow hard and taste something salty on my lips.
I’m crying? Why am I crying? It’s not supposed to be like that. I promised … I made a promise to myself to never again cry because of Derek King, and here I am today doing the same thing I did ten years ago.
Why did I let him do it? He was supposed to be changed. Am I really that bad a judge of the character that I let him fool me once again into believing he is something he really isn’t? Were all the kisses and tender touches and looks across the room just an illusion?
Hysterical laughter erupts out of me.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Didn’t the saying go like that?
This is all my fault.
I should have never let him come close to me. I should have never let Derek get under my skin. I should have never opened up and let him inside.
I know better than to believe that people can change. Most people never do; they are too stuck in their own little worlds to pay attention to the destruction they leave behind. They hurt people. They take what they want, thinking it belongs to them just because they are rich or beautiful or popular without even caring if it’s right or wrong. And Derek King is no exception.
No, he’s the worst of them all.
I don’t remember how I got to my house. I’m just grateful I did it in one piece. At least physically. Getting out, I shut the door with too much force, the sound ringing in the otherwise silent night. I run to the house and up the stairs.
Mom is calling me from the living room, but I don’t stay down to give her an explanation. “I want to be alone!” I yell from the stairs before going to my room, shutting and locking the door behind me.
I hear her hurried footsteps on the stairs, and I can almost feel her shadow looming over me from the other side of the door.
My breathing is hard and shallow. I lean against the door, tilt my head back and try to get some control over it. Slowly, I breathe in through my nose and then out through my mouth.
Slow and controlled.
In and out.
I slide down the door and pull my legs close. Hugging them to my chest, I let my forehead touch my knees. That broken, struggled sound comes out again, and I let tears fall and soak my jeans.
“Lia?” Mom whispers on the other side. My body shudders at the sound of her soft words and I start crying even harder. “Are you okay, honey?”
I want to tell her I’m fine and not to worry, but the words don’t want to come out. How can I lie when she can clearly hear me sob on the other side of the door? The words are stuck in my throat and my voice hitches every time I attempt to say anything.
The doorbell rings and I freeze. It rings a few more times, and it’s followed by the series of hard knocks.
I hear him call my name.
“Make him go away, Mom.” My whisper is broken by another sob.
Why did he have to come to my house? Why couldn’t he simply leave me alone?
“Okay.”
I hear her soft steps move further away from the door and down the stairs. There is a soft scratching sound on my door. I move away a little and open the door just enough so that Lola can wiggle inside.
She nudges me with her nose, so I give her space to climb in my lap. Lola starts licking my tear-stained face, tickling me and making me giggle, but even that doesn’t stop the tears from coming.
There is harsh whispering downstairs.
“I need to see her!” Derek’s frantic voice is loud and raspy.
I get up on my feet and close the door so that I don’t have to hear another word from him. With Lola still safely in my hands, I climb to my bed, my clothes, shoes and all still on.
Lying on my side, I pull my legs as close to my chest as I can while still leaving enough space for Lola to curl into her soft, comforting furry-ball next to me.
I lay there, with my eyes closed, but all I can see is an almost naked Derek kissing that girl on his front porch.
Over and over again, my mind plays the same clip until I’m not even sure is it a dream or reality.
The last thing I feel is Mom’s soft hands brushing my hair and hear her whispered words, “It’ll all be okay, baby girl. It’ll all be okay.”
Derek
“You owe me an explanation!” I hiss in her ear.
My hand curls around her w
rist, and I turn her around to look at me.
Diamond has been standing with a group of her friends, but it didn’t stop me from confronting her. I’m done playing nice. I’m done waiting and trying to figure out what the hell happened. I need answers, and I need them now. Nothing in this world comes easily, so I don’t think this is an exception.
She owes me, and today I plan on collecting.
“Well, well, well...” Her red lips curl in a smug smile. “If it isn’t high and mighty Derek King.”
“I don’t have the patience to play your games, Diamond,” I warn her in a low voice.
There is no sense in taking her someplace else to talk.
Half of the school is following my every move on a good day, so there is no chance in hell they would miss a spectacle like this one. Even if I did it, there is no stopping the rumors from spreading.
Word about me cheating on Amelia with Sophie spread around the school like a wildfire. Everybody has been talking about it. Some are giving me nasty looks, but some were cheering me on, asking who is next on my list.
What the ever loving fuck?
I just want peace and quiet.
I just want to move around without feeling everybody stare at me.
I just want Amelia back.
“How the hell did you do it?”
Her smug smile widens even more. “Wouldn’t you like to know?”
“I’m not interested in playing games, Diamond.” My grip around her wrist tightens and her smile falls a little. “How did you do it?”
“Coincidence, mostly.” She shrugs. “Sometimes you just gotta have luck.”
“Why don’t I believe you?”
“Because you are being paranoid. Yes, I did say I’ll get back at you, but Dotty coming and catching you in the act, well that wasn’t how I imagined it.”
“Don’t call her that.”
“Why not?” She laughs, but there is no amusement in the sound. “Just because you started noticing her after all this time doesn’t change a thing. She’ll always be Dotty to everybody else. She’ll always be what you made her to be.”
“I didn’t give her the nickname. I’ve never used it.”
“But you never tried to put a stop to it. Not until recently.”
Her words sting.
They are not true, but they are not a lie either. That’s why it’s even worse. I know I did Amelia wrong, but I’m also doing my hardest, will keep on doing my hardest—if she gives me a chance that is—to make it up to her.
“Anyway, I wanted to take your picture and put it on Facebook, but then I got stuck in the traffic and by the time I came to your place, she was speeding away from your house.”
“You are such a jealous bitch, Morgan.”
“And you are an idiot that’s missing on the greatest thing of your life.”
I want to laugh out loud at her words, but I contain myself. Instead, I take her in—her blond locks and a body that’s every guy’s wet dream covered in revealing clothes, her full of makeup face. There is nothing real, or remotely pretty about her.
“For once in your life you are right,” I agree with her, nodding my head. A light of hope shines in her blue eyes, but my next words kill it instantly. “But you sure ain’t it. So excuse me while I go and get the greatest thing of my life back.”
Amelia
“That’s enough, Lia!” Max’s angry voice breaks through my haze, but only barely. It’s strange to hear that angry tone coming out of his usually carefree, teasing mouth. “It’s time for you to get out of the bed. Now!”
“I can’t believe I’m saying this.” From the corner of my eye, I can see Brook’s face frown in disgust at her own words. Lola, who hurried out of the room when she heard them come, is curled in her lap and Brook is slowly patting her head. “But, he’s right. You’ve skipped school the last three days, and you didn’t get out of bed all this time.”
How come the two of them can now, of all times, be together in the same room? And agree on something, no less.
My eyes don’t move from the spot they’ve been glued to for days now. I’ve been looking at the same spot in the grey morning sky like it’s the most fascinating thing in the world.
Dark, moody clouds that are hiding sunlight correspond to my mood completely. I wouldn’t be surprised if soon snow starts to fall although it’s late October. The air has this almost crispy feel to it. It bites your cheeks making them rosy cold.
I should know; Mom came every morning and left the windows open for fresh air to enter my room.
“Tomorrow,” I murmur, getting under the covers more. I’m debating pulling them all the way over my head, but don’t want to be too impolite. Max and Brook did come to visit me. They are both good friends, and it isn’t their fault I don’t want company.
“No, now.”
Max is standing behind me so I can’t see him, but I can feel the stomp of his heavy boot against the wood floors. I can imagine him—hands crossed over his wide chest covered in dark cotton shirt, lips pressed in a thin line, brows close to each other, and a deep furrow caressing his forehead.
“Listen to me, Lia.” He takes one deep breath, but it doesn’t cover his frustration. “You’ll get out of the bed this minute, and then you’ll go and take a shower. I don’t care if I have to take you there myself.”
Max pulls the covers off.
“Hey!” I turn around and glare at him, but he continues like I didn’t say anything. “Then you’ll go and eat something, ‘cause your Mom said you didn’t eat anything these last few days, and we’ll help you do your homework.”
“I said I don’t want to.” I sit up in my bed and follow his stance, crossing hands over my old, faded Harry Potter t-shirt that doubled as my PJ’s.
“And I said I don’t care.”
Silence falls over my bedroom while we have our stare off.
Max can be such a bully. I don’t want to get out of bed, so what? A girl has the right to have a few days off after she finds out that the guy she had… something with, had that same something with another girl all this time.
You should have never let yourself fall for him again, a small voice whispers in my head, but I decide to ignore it like I did before.
“Oh my god, you should see yourselves!” Brook laughs and stands from the window seat. Her hands curl around my shoulders, and she pushes me up. “Don’t be a baby, Lia. No more moping around.”
I look at my friend, my sister, pleading her with my eyes. “I’m not ready, Brook,” I whisper, my voice trembling a little.
There is understanding in her green eyes, but she shakes her head. “You are ready, Lia. You are strong. Don’t let some stupid guy take that away from you. Don’t let him break you.”
I swallow the lump in my throat. Biting into my lower lip to prevent it from wobbling, I nod once.
She is wrong.
I’m not the strong one; she is.
Brook has always been my strength and my support system. I knew I could count on her, and she would help me get through anything. She is determined and strong-minded and so, so fierce. All of that is hidden behind the cold, collected exterior that she shows to the world.
We are only seventeen, but those jade green eyes are hiding knowledge of the world that surpasses our age, strength born from darkness that is accumulating inside of her and that she is safely hiding inside, not letting anybody else share her burden.
“Let’s go.” I nod and let her help me get on my feet and take me to the bathroom.
Brook helps me get out of my clothes like I’m one big baby. She even leaves a change of clothes for me on the clean surface next to the bathroom sink.
“I’ll get us something to eat.”
She looks at me once again—most likely trying to decide if it’s safe to leave me alone here—before leaving me in the room slowly filling with steam looking at my reflection in the mirror.
Amelia
“Thank you for coming, Max.”
He sof
tly smiles at me, his hand brushing a loose strand of hair behind my ear. “You are welcome. Just, please, no more scares like that.”
If I didn’t see my reflection in the mirror a couple of hours before, I wouldn’t know what he was talking about, but I saw it. I saw my tangled, dirty hair. I saw tear stains on my cheeks and puffy eyes. I saw how empty, how broken, they were.
And it hurt.
What Derek did hurt, but it also hurt seeing myself broken like this. And I could only try to imagine what my friends and parents saw, what they’ve been seeing for days.
“I’ll try,” I try to smile, but Max sees right through me.
He takes one step forward, his strong hands curling around my body and pulling me close to him.
Max is a touchy guy. That’s nothing new.
He has a big variety of ‘guy shakes’ he uses with his friends and guys on the team. When he flirts with girls there is always a slight touch here and a brush there. With Jeanette around, he likes to tease her or just hug her. She mostly pretends like he’s irritating her, but I can see girly delight hidden deep in her grey eyes. He is the same with me, half-hugs or bear hugs when he is really excited, but this is the first time he has tried comforting me.
Max’s big body is enveloping mine, heat radiating off of him, warming my body in the cold night air. His chin is resting on the top of my head, and his hands slowly rub my back.
“He’s an idiot.”
I don’t have to ask who he is talking about, because we both know. There is no sense in playing dense.
“How bad is it?”
“Not too bad,” he says, but a small wince is a clear giveaway that he’s lying.
Tilting my head back, I look him in the eyes.
“Okay, maybe a bit bad.” He sighs. “Diamond and her friends spread the word that Derek’s been fooling around with Sophie behind your back.”
I close my eyes at the sound of his name.
This sadness, this yearning ... thinking about him, it’s asphyxiating. Painful. Because every thought, every mention of his name, even if it’s only a whisper, brings back memories. So many memories. Good or bad, in the end, it doesn’t matter because it’s the same.