by George Moore
‘I’ve been about, gentlemen, in America, and in France, and I lead a bachelor life. My house is across the way, and if you’ll do me the honour to come in and have a glass with me, I shall feel highly honoured. If there’s one thing I do enjoy more than another, it’s the conversation of intellectual men, and after the performance of to-night I don’t see how I can do better than to come to you for it. But,’ he continued gallantly, ‘if I said just now that I was a bachelor, it is, I assure you, not because I dislike the sex. My solitary state is my misfortune, not my fault, and if these ladies will accompany you, gentlemen, need I say that I shall be charmed and honoured?’
‘We’ll do the honouring and the ladies will do the charming,’ Mortimer said, and on these words the whole party followed the tall thin man to his house, a small affair with a porch and green blinds such as might be rented by a well-to-do commercial traveller.
The furniture was mahogany and leather, and when the sideboard was opened, the acrid odour of tea and the sickly smells of stale bread and rank butter were diffused through the room; but these were quickly dominated by the fumes of the malt. A bottle of port was decanted for the ladies. To the host nothing was too much trouble; his guests must eat as well as drink, and he went down to the kitchen and helped the maid-servant to bring up all the eatables that were in the house — some cold beef and cheese — and after having partaken of these the company stretched themselves in their chairs. Hayes drank his whisky in silence, while Montgomery, his legs thrown over the arm of his chair, tried to get in a word concerning the refrain of a comic song he had just finished scoring; but as the song was not going to be sung in any of the pieces they were touring with, no one was interested, and Mortimer’s talk about the regeneration of the theatre was becoming so boring that Leslie and Beaumont had begun to think of bedtime, and might have taken their departure if Dubois had not said that all the great French actresses had lovers and that the English would do well to follow their examples. A variety of opinions broke forth, and everyone seemed to wake up; anecdotes were told that brought the colour to Kate’s cheeks and made her feel uncomfortable. Dubois had lived a great deal in France; it was not certain that he had not acted in French, and sitting with his bishop’s hat tilted on the back of his head, he related that Agar had described George Sand as a sort of pouncing disease that had affected her health more than all her other lovers put together. Dubois was declared to have insulted the profession; Dick agreed that Dubois did not know what he was talking about — George Sand was a woman, not a man — and Montgomery, who had a sister-in-law starring in Scotland, refused to be appeased until he was asked to accompany Leslie and Bret in a duet. The thin man, as everybody now called him, said he had never been so much touched in his life, a statement which Beaumont did her best to justify by going to the piano and singing three songs one after another. The third was a signal for departure, and while Montgomery vowed under his breath that it was quite enough to have to listen to Beaumont during business hours, Dick tried to awaken Hayes. He had fallen fast asleep. Their kind host said that he would put him up for the night, but the mummers thought they would be able to get him home. So, bidding the kindest of farewells to their host, whom they hoped they would see the following evening at the theatre, they stumbled into the street, pushing and carrying the drunken man between them. It was very hard to get Hayes along; every ten or a dozen yards he would insist on stopping in the middle of the roadway to argue the value and the sincerity of the friendship his comrades bore for him. Mortimer strove to pacify him, saying that he would stand in a puddle all night if by doing so he might prove that he loved him, and Dubois entreated him to believe him when he said that to sit with him under a cold September moon talking of the dear dead days would be a bliss that he could not forego. But the comedian’s jokes soon began to seem idle and flat, and the ladies proposed to walk on in front, leaving the gentlemen to get their friend home as best they could.
‘You’re thinking of your beds,’ Dick cried, and that reminded him that the hotel-keeper had told him that he shut his doors at eleven and would open them for no one before morning.
‘What are we to do?’ asked Leslie; ‘it’s very cold.’
‘We’ll ring him up,’ said Dubois.
‘But if he doesn’t answer?’ suggested Bret.
‘I’ll jolly soon make him answer,’ said Dick. ‘Now then, Hayes, wake up, old man, and push along.’
‘Pou-sh-al-long! How can — you — talk to me like that? Yer — yer — shunting me — me — for one of those other fellows.’
‘We’ll talk about that in the morning, old man. Now, Mortimer, you get hold of his other arm and we’ll run him along.’
Mr. Hayes struggled, declaring the while he would no longer believe in the world’s friendship; but with Montgomery pushing from behind, the last hundred yards were soon accomplished, and the drunken burden deposited against the wall of the passage.
Dick pulled the bell; the whole party listened to the distant tinkling, and after a minute or two of suspense, Mortimer said:
‘That won’t do, Dick; ring again. We shall be here all night.’
Tinkle, tinkle, tinkle, went the bell, and a husky voice, issuing from the dark shadow of the wall, said:
‘I rang for another whisky, waiter, that’s all.’
‘The still-room maid has gone to sleep, sir,’ Mortimer answered; and the bell was rung again and again, and whilst one of the company was pulling at the wire, another was hammering away with the knocker. All the same, no answer could be obtained, and the mummers consulted Leslie and Bret, who proposed that they should seek admittance at another hotel; Dubois, that they should beg hospitality of the other members of the company; Montgomery, that they should go back to the theatre. But the hotel-keeper had no right to lock them out, and they had a perfect right to break into his house, and the chances they ran of ‘doing a week’ were anxiously debated as they searched for a piece of wood to serve as a ram. None of sufficient size could be found, much to the relief of the ladies and Dubois, who strongly advised Dick to renounce this door-smashing experiment.
‘Oh, Dick, pray don’t,’ whispered Kate. ‘What does it matter; it will be daylight in a few hours.’
‘That’s all very well, but I tell you he has no right to lock us out; he’s a licensed hotel-keeper. Are you game, Mortimer? We can burst in the door with our shoulders.’
‘Game!’ said Mortimer, in a nasal note that echoed down the courtyard; ‘partridges are in season in September. Here goes!’ and taking a run, he jumped with his full weight against the door.
‘Out of the way,’ cried Dick, breaking away from Kate, and hurling his huge frame a little closer to the lock than the comedian had done.
The excitement being now at boiling pitch, the work was begun in real earnest, and as they darted in regular succession out of the shadow of the buttress across the clear stream of moonlight flowing down the flagstones, they appeared like a procession of figures thrown on a cloth by a magic-lantern. Mr. Hayes’ white stocking served for a line, and bump, bump, they went against the door. Each effort was watched with different degrees of interest by the ladies. When little Dubois toddled forward, and sprang with what little impetus his short legs could give him, it was difficult not to laugh, and when Montgomery’s reed-like shanks were seen passing, Kate clung to Miss Leslie in fear that he would crush his frail body against the door; but when it came to the turn of any of the big ones, the excitement was great. Mortimer and Bret were watched eagerly, but most faith was placed in Dick, not only for his greater weight, but for his superior and more plucky way of jumping. Springing from the very middle of the passage, his head back and his shoulder forward, he went like a thunderbolt against the door. It seemed wonderful that he did not bring down the wall as well as the woodwork, and a round of applause rewarded each effort. Hayes, who fancied himself in bed, and that the waiter was calling him at some strange hour in the morning, shouted occasionally the most fearful of curses from
his dark corner. The noise was terrific, and the clapping of hands, shrieks of laughter, and cries of encouragement reverberated through the echoing passage and the silent moonlight.
At last Dick’s turn came again, and enraged by past failures, he put forth his whole strength and jumped from the white stocking with his full weight against the door. It gave way with a crash, and at that moment the proprietor appeared, holding a candle in his hand.
Everybody made a rush, and picking up Dick, who was not in the least hurt, they struck matches on the wall and groped their way up to their rooms, heedless of the denunciations of the enraged proprietor, who declared that he would take an action against them all. In his dressing-gown, and by the light of his candle, he surveyed his dismantled threshold, thinking how he might fasten up his house for the night. The first object he caught sight of was Mr. Hayes’ white stocking. As he did so a wicked light gleamed in his eyes, and after a few efforts to awake the drunkard he walked to the gateway and looked up and down the street to see if a policeman were in sight. In real truth he was doubtful as to his rights to lock visitors out of their hotel, and, did not feel disposed to discuss the question before a magistrate. But what could be said against him for requesting the removal of a drunken man? He did not know who he was, nor was he bound to find out. So argued the proprietor of the Hen and Chickens, and Mr. Hayes, still protesting he did not want to be called before ten, was dragged off to the station.
Next morning the hotel-keeper denied knowing anything whatever about the matter. It was true he had called the policeman’s attention to the fact that there was a man asleep under the archway, but he did not know that the man was Mr. Hayes. This story was rejected by the company, and vowing that they would never again go within a mile of his shop, they all went to see poor Hayes pulled out before the beak. It was a forty-shilling affair or the option of a week, and in revenge, Dick invited last night’s party to dinner at a restaurant. They weren’t going to put their money into the pocket of that cad of an inn-keeper. Hayes was the hero of the hour, and he made everybody roar with laughter at the way in which he related his experiences. But after a time Dick, who had always an eye to business, drew his chair up to Mortimer’s, and begged of him to try to think of some allusions to the adventures which could be worked into the piece. The question was a serious one, and until it was time to go to the theatre the art of gagging was warmly argued. Dubois held the most liberal views. He said that after a certain number of nights the author’s words should be totally disregarded in favour of topical remarks. Bret, who was slow of wit, maintained that the dignity of a piece could only be maintained by sticking to the text, and cited examples to support his opinion. It was, however, finally agreed that whenever Mortimer came on the stage, he should say, ‘Derby isn’t a safe place to get drunk in,’ and that Dubois should reply, ‘Rather not.’
Owing to these little emendations, the piece went with a scream, the receipts were over a hundred, and Morton and Cox’s Operatic Company, having done a very satisfactory week’s business, assembled at the station on Sunday morning bound for Blackpool.
Kate and Dick jumped into a compartment with the same people as before, plus a chorus-girl who was making up to Montgomery in the hopes of being allowed to say on the entrance of the duke, ‘Oh, what a jolly fellow he is!’ Mortimer shouted to Hayes, who always went with the pipe-smokers, and Dick spoke about the possibility of producing some new piece at Liverpool. Dubois, Mortimer, Bret, and the chorus-girl settled down to a game of nap. Dick, Leslie, and Montgomery were singing tunes or fragments of tunes to each other, and talking about ‘effects’ that might be introduced into the new piece. But would Dick produce a new piece?
The conversation changed, and it was asked if no money could be saved this trip in the taking of the tickets, and Dick was closely questioned as to when, in his opinion, it would be safe to try their little plant on again. Instead of answering he leant back, and gradually a pleasant smile began to trickle over his broad face. He was evidently maturing some plan. ‘What is it, Dick? Do say like a good fellow,’ was repeated many times, but he refused to give any reply. This aroused the curiosity of the company, and it grew to burning pitch when the train drew up at a station and Dick began a conversation with the guard concerning the length of time they would have at Preston, and where they would find the train that was to take them on to Blackpool.
‘You’ll have a quarter of an hour’s wait at Preston. You’ll arrive there at 4.20 and at thirty-five past you’ll find the train for Blackpool drawn up on the right-hand side of the station.’
‘Thanks very much,’ replied Dick as he tipped the guard; and then, turning his head towards his friends, he whispered, ‘It’s as right as a trivet; I shall be back in a minute.’
‘Where’s he off to?’ asked everybody.
‘He’s just gone into the telegraph office,’ said Montgomery, who was stationed at the window.
A moment after Dick was seen running up the platform, his big hat giving him the appearance of an American. As he passed each compartment of their carriage he whispered something in at the window.
‘What can he be saying? What can he be arranging?’ asked Miss Leslie.
‘I don’t care how he arranges it as long as I get a drink on the cheap at Preston,’ said Mortimer.
‘That’s the main point,’ replied Dubois.
‘Well, Dick, what is it?’ exclaimed everybody, as the big man sat down beside Kate.
‘The moment the train arrives at Preston we must all make a rush for the refreshment-rooms and ask for Mr. Simpson’s lunch.’
‘Who’s Mr. Simpson? What lunch? Oh, do tell us! What a mysterious fellow you are!’ were the exclamations reiterated all the way along the route. But the only answer they received was, ‘Now what does it matter who Mr. Simpson is? Eat and drink all you can, and for the life of you don’t ask who Mr. Simpson is, but only for his lunch.’
And as soon as the train stopped actors, actresses, chorus-girls and men, conductor, prompter, manager, and baggage-man rushed like a school towards the glass doors of the refreshment-room, where they found a handsome collation laid out for forty people.
‘Where’s Mr. Simpson’s lunch?’ shouted Dick.
‘Here, sir, here; all is ready,’ replied two obliging waiters.
‘Where’s Mr. Simpson’s lunch?’ echoed Dubois and Montgomery.
‘This way, sir; what will you take, sir? Cold beef, chicken and ham, or a little soup?’ asked half a dozen waiters.
The ladies were at first shy of helping themselves, and hung back a little, but Dick drove them on, and, the first step taken, they ate of everything. But Kate clung to Dick timidly, refusing all offers of chicken, ham, and cold beef.
‘But is this paid for?’ she whispered to him.
‘Of course it is. Mr. Simpson’s lunch. Take care of what you’re sayin’. Tuck into this plate of chicken; will you have a bit of tongue with it?’ and not having the courage to refuse, Kate complied in silence. Dick crammed her pockets with cakes. But soon the waiters began to wonder at the absence of Mr. Simpson, and had already commenced their inquiries.
Approaching Mortimer, the head waiter asked that gentleman if Mr. Simpson was in the room.
‘He’s just slipped round to the bookstall to get a Sunday paper. He’ll be back in a minute, and if you’ll get me another bit of chicken in the meantime I shall feel obliged.’
In five minutes more the table was cleared, and everybody made a movement to retire, and it was then that the refreshment-room people began to exhibit a very genuine interest in the person of Mr. Simpson. One waiter begged of Dick to describe the gentleman to him, another besought of Dubois to say at what end of the table Mr. Simpson had had his lunch. In turn they appealed to the ladies and to the gentlemen, but were always met with the same answer. ‘Just saw him a minute ago, going up to the station; if you run after him you’re sure to catch him.’ ‘Mr. Simpson? Why, he was here a minute ago; I think he was speaking about sendin
g a telegram; perhaps he’s up in the office.’ The train bell then rang, and, like a herd in motion, the whole company crowded to the train. The guard shouted, the panic-stricken waiters tumbled over the luggage, and, running from carriage to carriage, begged to be informed as to Mr. Simpson’s whereabouts.
‘He’s in the end carriage, I tell you, back there, just at the other end of the train.’
The seedy black coats were then seen hurrying down the flags, but only to return in a minute, breathless, for further information. But this could not last for ever, and the guard blew his whistle, the actors began gagging. And, oh, the singing, the whistling, the cheers of the mummers as the train rolled away into the country, now all agleam with the sunset! Tattoos were beaten with sticks against the woodwork of each compartment. Dick, with his body half out of the window and his curls blowing in the wind, yelled at Hayes. Montgomery disputed with Dubois for possession of the other window, and three chorus-girls giggled and, munching stolen cakes, tried to get into conversation with Kate. But though love had compensated her for virtue, nothing could make amends to her for her loss of honesty. She could break a moral law with less suffering than might be expected from her bringing up, but the sentiment the most characteristic, and naturally so, of the middle classes is a respect for the property of others; and she had eaten of stolen bread. Oppressed and sickened by this idea, she shrank back in her corner, and filled with a sordid loathing of herself, she moved instinctively away from Dick.
