by Yamaya Cruz
“Maria, why you coming in here and starting all this trouble?”
It was just a voice, Nico’s voice. Maria’s huge frame was blocking the door. She moved a little to the left, and I saw Nico standing behind her, wearing a terry cloth robe, knee high socks, and black penny loafers.
“Nico, I don’t want to hear shit about what you got to say. All I want is to get my grandkids out of here,” Maria said while holding up her hand in disgust.
“Oh now you’re coming to get em? After I done clothed and fed their asses, you think that you’re just going to come here and take over.”
“Nico, don’t talk to me like I’m a fool. I used to be your wife, remember? I know that you don’t give a shit about nobody, just yourself. You just use people.”
“Ah, so now you’re going to act all holy and shit. But your hands are just as dirty as mine,” Nico said.
“Yeah Nico and you’ll never let me forget it. But I’m here now and I ain’t going to let anything happen to these kids.”
“Oh you’re here now. Where were you for the last six months when these kids where eating out of fucking trashcans. I took them off the streets, fed em, clothed em, took their asses to school, and this is the thanks that I get,” Nico said.
“Nico, just stop.” Maria said. She paused and was going to say more but Nico spoke up and started to walk toward her.
“Go ahead. Take em, and ruin more people’s lives. You come in here trying to save folks, but all you’re going to do is fuck shit up. Because that’s what you are, a fuck up.” He ranted with spittle flying out of his mouth. Nico was rageful. His eyes were as big as gumballs and his veins were popping out of his neck. His hair was disheveled, with only a few strands tucked into a ponytail. I was scared. I had never seen Nico like this before. He seemed to have transformed, like a werewolf howling in the night.
“You ain’t good at being a wife. You ain’t no good at being no damn momma, and you ain’t even good in the fucking sheets.” He spat.
Maria just stood there, speechless. I just sat and waited for her to do something. She had about a hundred and fifty pounds on him. I wanted her to body slam him onto the ground like a sumo wrestler. I wanted her to grab him in a headlock and beat his head like it was a speed bag. I wanted her to knock him out with one quick bunch like Mike Tyson. But she did nothing. She stood there. Then I realized that she was scared, of Nico.
“Get that fucking girl out of here and out of my sight. I don’t want to have nothing to do with anything that has your blood running through it.”
Maria looked at me and motioned for me to follow her. I quickly obeyed.
“Take that weasel ass motherfucker with you too. He’s worthless to me, just a waste of egg and fucking sperm. Just like his momma,” he said.
I walked over to the closet to put on my shoes. I jumped when Nico yelled at me.
“Oh naw. Leave all that shit here, the clothes, the shoes, and the fucking jewelry. Your ass wanted to leave, so go with the shit you got on your back,” Nico spat.
I looked at Maria. She nodded for me to come on. I knew that it wasn’t a good idea to make him any angrier than what he was. I squeezed pass Maria and looked at Nico. He just stared at me, like I had betrayed him.
“You’re going to regret this shit,” he said while shaking his head.
I was pulled into the living room and outside the door. I was shoeless and wearing my pajamas. I walked on sand and cold hard stones with my bare feet. Ali was directly behind me, but I couldn’t see his face. We saw an old Buick Chrysler. There was someone in the passenger seat. I climbed into the car and realized that it was my momma. I burst out into tears and hugged her from the back seat. She was crying too as she hugged me back, stroking my hair and my arm.
“I’m sorry baby. I’m so sorry; I’ll never leave you again. I promise,” she said.
The ride back to Maria’s house was unsettling. No one said a thing. I kept looking at Ali. He didn’t face me. Instead, he was staring out of the window. He had changed so much. He didn’t smile half as much as he used to and his mood was always cloudy with a chance of rain. I wanted my brother back. I wanted myself back. I sat back and realized that Nico had done something to us. We were no longer the sweet bashful kids that we were before. No, we were definitely different.
When I got back to Maria’s home. She ordered me to strip down to my underwear. I bashfully covered my small breast as my abuela shoveled my dirty clothes in a garbage bag. I secretly hoped that she wasn’t going to ask me to spread em and bend. She led me into the bathroom where a white marble tub was filled with water. I lowered my body into the tub and flinched as the hot water seeped into my skin.
Maria, in a cold voice, reassured me that the water was fine and that after a couple of minutes I would get used to it. I wanted to scream, the water was too hot, and the mixture of perspiration and steam caused me to feel woozy. I felt like I had lowered myself into a bed of hot coals. My body movements caused the water to wave up and droplets that felt like hot embers speckled the crease of my spine. After the tub incident, Maria gave me approximately three minutes to towel off. She burst back into the bathroom door without knocking. I modestly wrapped the blush white towel around my body.
“Hey, your momma is going to come in and talk you,” she said trying to inject some softness into her voice.
I nodded and placed the cover of the toilet set down and sat on it. My mother walked in. She looked more beautiful than ever. Her hair was longer and brushed back from her face. Her eyes were big and clear and she didn’t have a stitch of makeup on. She kneeled down in front of me and smiled.
“Sweetie, I missed you so much,” she said while stroking my hair.
“I missed you too momma,” I said.
“I couldn’t stop thinking about you and your brother when I was in jail. I couldn’t stop thinking about how I failed you, as a mother.”
I didn’t say anything.
“Your abuela told me that she saw you and your brother on the day that I got arrested, but you ran from her.”
I shook my head.
“You ran from her to Nico’s house?” she asked.
I opened my mouth to speak, but she cut me off.
“Why did you do that? I worked so hard to protect you from him and from the shadows. Why did you run to him?”
I looked at her puzzled and then I got angry.
“You just don’t get it. We didn’t have anywhere else to go. We lived as squatters, half the time we didn’t eat. We didn’t have any money so we went to go work for Nico,” I said.
My mom leaned forward and grabbed me by the shoulders. “Worked for Nico? What did he make you do?” She said.
My mouth snapped shut. I realized that I had said way too much. I was safely away from Nico’s house, but I was still afraid. I was ghastly afraid of the dreams and the nightmares. And he warned me, he told me not to tell anyone. If I did, then I would regret it.
“What did you make you do?” she asked gently.
“He wanted me to, travel with him,” I said, looking away from her while readjusting the towel around my body. My eyes began to water, like icicles melting. I wiped my nose and felt the drop of one tear. More soon followed. I couldn’t look at her. I felt so ashamed. I never wanted to tell anyone about Nico and me, because if I did that, then it would be real. All of the dreams, nightmares would be real.
“And what did you see?” My mother asked.
“I saw death,” I said while inhaling, there was a dull pain in my heart. I closed my eyes and more tears dripped from behind my lids.
“You saw the shadows?” she asked. I shook my head. She pulled me into her embrace.
“Nelly, I’ve done awful things, evil and wicked things,” she said.
“Mom stop,” I said as I struggled to escape. She was making me feel worse. Thinking and talking about the shadows was like watching a horror movie in 3D. It was three times as scary and felt way too real. It was best to just pretend that non
e of it happened. I was away from Nico’s house now. I was with my momma and my family and in time, I’d forget about them. I was sure of it.
She had her arms wrapped around me like an octopus. I forcefully pushed her away, but her hands grasp my forearms. Her fingers sunk into me like tentacles. I wanted her to stop. It was over now. She was out of jail, and we were a family again. Let’s just focus on being happy.
“They are the spirits of the dead. They are buried souls of our past. Their pain is our pain,” she said.
All of my thoughts stopped dead in their tracks. I looked at her aghast, wondering how she knew.
“How did you know?” I asked with exasperation.
“I know, because the same thing happened to me and your abuela,” she said.
“What? What’s happening to me momma?” I wondered.
“Nothing, you’re going to be okay,” she said convincingly. If nothing was wrong with me, they why would I need to be okay? I looked at her quizzically. My mom pulled me toward her.
“Mom!” I yelled as I struggled to get away from her.
I felt like a moth that had been caught in spider lace. She was holding me way too tight. She released her grip and looked at me, snapping out of her trance. Her eyes were clear and as big as a full moon.
“I need to take you to get help,” she said.
“What?” I couldn’t believe it. We were together again. We were a family again. I couldn’t bear the thought of losing her or being separated from her.
“Don’t worry, I’m not sending you away. I could never to that,” she said while combing her fingers through my hair.
I just looked at her. I couldn’t say anything. I didn’t know what to say. I felt like a victim of some kind of natural disaster that had ripped away my home, my family, and my sanity. I couldn’t understand why this was happening to me? I wanted to ask my mom a whole bunch of questions about Nico. I wanted to ask her if he was my father. I needed to know more, but a part of me was scared of the truth. I just wanted to be normal, whatever that meant.
“Don’t worry; everything is going to be okay. I’m here and your abuela is here and we are going to take good care of you,” she said, smiling.
I didn’t’ answer her. There was a long awkward silence. Our mother and daughter bond was broken. I could tell that she was struggling to find something to say.
“Nelly, what happened to your hair?”
“What are you talking about, Mom?” I said, relieved that she was acting normal now, and happy that she had decided to change the subject.
“It’s growing so long,” she said as she began to run her fingers through my tresses. She pulled me back and looked at me.
“You’re so beautiful.” She gasped.
I blushed. It seemed that she was seeing me for the first time, not as a little girl, but as a young woman. I had grown so much. Although I was only thirteen, I had lived and suffered more than someone who was twice my age.
“Don’t worry; everything is going to be okay. You’ll see. I’ll make it all up to you. I promise,” she said while leaning toward me. I could smell her sweat scent of lavender. I closed my eyes. I loved my mother when she was like this, clean and sober and so loving. Yes, it was true; she had a lot of ground to make up. But I was just happy to be with her again.
~ ~ ~
Chapter Thirteen
Maria’s house felt like a museum. It was always cold, quiet, and the days lazily rolled by. She didn’t say much. She moved around the house like a prehistoric T-Rex. Every step she took felt like we were experiencing a class four earthquake. Glasses rattled and books fell off the shelves. My mom told me that both doctors and friends had warned her about gaining so much weight. But despite their admonishment she managed to pack on the pounds anyway.
The extra weight made it difficult for her to breathe. So she would walk throughout the house, her feet slamming into the floor paneling and breathing heavily like Darth Vader. Yeah, she was pretty scary. Let’s just say that I made sure that we were hardly ever alone together. And when we were, I was sure to make a left blank and retreat back to my room. I have to admit, I was a little curious about her. I kept asking my mom questions. She said that Maria had lost everything, that all four of my uncles were in jail and no one came to visit her. I wanted to ask her more. But my mom threw up her hand indicating that the topic was closed.
“Don’t worry about that now. Put your shoes on and go and tell your brother that it’s time for us to go,” she said.
“Momma where are we going?” I asked.
“Nelly, stop asking dumb questions. I told you where we were going a week ago,” she said impatiently. I looked at her confused. If she had told me then I had completely forgot.
“We’re going to see Chobo,” she said flatly.
“Oh,” I said. Suddenly I remembered. Chobo was the guy who was supposed to help me. I turned on my heel and marched up the stairs and banged on Ali’s door. The music was so loud. I wasn’t sure if he could hear me knocking. I pressed my ear to it and listened intently. Man, the music was mean, it sounded something like “Fuck him, strangle his ass, and shoot him up, shank that Nigga.” I pulled back and grimaced. I cupped my ears. The music was violent and beating up my eardrums. How could Ali listen to that? I turned the knob and walked in.
Ali’s room was dank and dirty, and felt like a dragon’s den. It was dark and smoky and smelled like feet. He saw me and quickly moved to turn the music off. He didn’t look at me. He just flopped back on his bed with his back toward me.
“Mom says come on, we’re going to leave in a few minutes,” I said, timidly, while rubbing my palms against my jeans. I felt like I didn’t know Ali anymore. He spent most of his days locked up in his room and not speaking to anyone. I didn’t know what was wrong with him.
“I ain’t going nowhere,” he said.
“Ali you have to because momma said so,” I said.
“Go back and tell her I ain’t going,” he said without looking at me. I turned to leave, but suddenly there was a sense of burning anger inside of me. What was his problem? We were all here and a family again, and he was acting like a little bitch. Why couldn’t he make an effort to be happy? I paused, closed my eyes and swallowed back a knot of fear. I summoned all the strength in my body and turned back around to face Ali.
“Ali?” He didn’t answer me.
“Why are you acting like a little bitch?” I asked in a quavering voice.
Ali turned on his side to face me. First, he looked at me like I was a matador waving a red cape. Then, in an instant, he rolled off the bed and stormed at me. I tried to move but he was way too fast for me. He clasped his fingers around my neck and strung me up until I was three good inches off the floor. I struggled to breathe and clawed at his face and neck. I looked into his eyes. He was mad, like a wild animal on a verge of attack.
“Don’t you ever fucking talk to me like that,” he spat.
He leaned in close to me and his breath was stale and hot. His arms were long and muscular and his skin was taught and as black as tar. He snarled savagely like an animal and tightened his grip. The door flung open.
“Oh my God! Ali! Put your sister down!” He let go and I plummeted to the ground. I looked at my mom, coughing and struggling to breathe, she was my savior.
“My goodness! Are you crazy? You know better than that,” she said.
Ali didn’t say anything. I felt like for a just a quick second, I had seen death. Suddenly, I had a thought. He would have killed me if my mom didn’t walk in. I placed my hands on the dresser and pulled myself up. I wobbled on weak legs as I pointed my finger at him accusingly.
“He’s crazy. “I just came in here to tell him that we had to go and see what’s his name, and he attacked me,” I blurted out in one long sentence. My cheeks were flushed. I could feel the blood surging through my body and my heart was beating double time. I watched Ali’s hands clinch into fists, and I ran and hid behind my mother, I needed her protection. Ali h
ad always been short tempered with his rage intensity going from zero to ten in a split second. Now, it seemed like something in him had short circuited, gone haywire. He was completely mad and heinously violent. The floor trembled, and in two seconds, Maria poked her head into the door.
“What’s going on here?” she asked in a low manly voice. “Nothing momma, I got everything under control,” my momma answered back meekly.
“Well, you got to go, he’s waiting for you. And you can’t be late.” Maria said. They exchanged glances and my mom lowered her head like a Private addressing a Captain.
“Momma, take Nelly. I got to stay here with Ali. He’s just not ready to go yet,” my mom said.
Maria eyed Ali before she responded.
“Is he giving you problems?” she asked quizzically, but she sounded more like a loan shark, ready to break someone’s leg.
“No momma, I got it under control. Just go, so we don’t lose the appointment,” she said.
“Alright, but you call me if this little asshole starts to act up. He thinks because he’s been around Nico for six months that he’s tough and mean. That little motherfucka ain’t seen mean until he’s come up against my ass,” she said cracking her knuckles.
“Okay, momma just go,” my mom said pleadingly.
“You want to start acting crazy, I’ll show your ass crazy,” Maria said, pointing a large finger at Ali.
“Hay Dos Mia.” My mom said this as she rolled her eyes.
“Stay here and work with em. He needs to get all of the shit out of him if he wants to stay in my house,” Maria said.
“Momma go,” my mom said impatiently while waving her hands in the air. Maria turned slowly, eyeing Ali out of the slits that were now her eyes.
