by Lucy Clark
‘Hi, handsome man.’ She turned to Tracy. ‘This is what they grow up to be. They continually eat and there’s still a lot of washing to do.’
Tracy laughed and Rachael was glad to see a different woman emerge from her consulting room to the one who had gone in. ‘See you on Wednesday.’
Declan held the door for Tracy and Rachael was proud of her son’s manners and thoughtfulness. Once her patient had gone, he came over and slung his arm about her shoulders. She hugged him close, breathing in his familiar scent, her heart filling with love. ‘How was today?’
‘OK. You finished yet?’
‘Yes. You’re a little later than I expected.’
‘Stopped by the library.’ He jerked a thumb towards his backpack.
‘I thought you might. I’ll get my things and we can go.’ She turned and caught Helen staring at Declan. ‘Oh, sorry. I forgot to introduce you. Helen, this is my son, Declan.’
Helen stared in stunned disbelief, her jaw slack.
There was a sound from the back of the house and a door could be heard closing. Muffled footsteps sounded up the carpeted corridor.
‘Helen?’ Joe was getting closer. ‘Did I leave the file on—?’ He stopped as he came into the waiting room and saw Rachael. ‘Uh…hi.’ Then he looked at the person by her side. Rachael dropped her arm from around Declan’s waist and clenched her hands tightly in an effort to control the feeling of dread that swamped her.
Rachael watched as Joe looked the boy up and down before slowly shaking his head.
‘Er…Joe.’ She cleared her throat and forced the words out. ‘I’d like you to meet Declan. My son.’
‘Joe?’ Declan said, and Rachael turned to look up at him. She nodded. ‘The Joe?’
Rachael nodded again.
‘My dad Joe?’
Rachael glanced at her son, then Helen and finally to Joe. ‘Yes.’
CHAPTER TWO
SHE watched as Joe swallowed, once…twice, his gaze never leaving Declan.
Helen was the first to break the silence. ‘Well, there’s no point in getting a paternity test to confirm this. You’re the dead spit of your father when he was your age.’
‘You knew him back then?’ Declan looked at the woman behind the receptionist’s desk.
Helen smiled. ‘I’ve known your father since he was about twelve years old. I may even have a photograph of him somewhere at home.’
‘Cool.’
‘I’ll see if I can find it for you. For now, though, why don’t you come through to the kitchen and I’ll get you a drink?’
Rachael glanced at Helen, giving her a smile of thanks. Joe barely moved as Helen led Declan past him, but his blue gaze swung to her, pinning her to the spot. It was the exact same look he’d given her the morning they’d signed the annulment papers. Knowing she needed her wits about her, she physically pulled herself up to her full height of five feet eight, and with the added two inches from her shoes, she mentally felt more in control. Smoothing a hand down her skirt to get the perspiration off her hands, she took a breath and indicated to the empty waiting-room chairs.
‘Please, sit down, Joe. This can’t be easy for you.’ Thank goodness her voice sounded natural and calm.
‘Don’t, Rachael. Don’t be the polite, well-bred debutante you were raised to be. It doesn’t work in this situation.’
‘That’s an unfair crack, Joe. I just thought it might be easier to discuss this sitting down.’
‘How…civilised. Well, you know me of old, Rach, I’m not a civilised type of guy.’
‘What? Going to punch me out?’
‘I don’t hit women.’
‘No, you just break their hearts.’
Joe opened his mouth to say she’d done the same thing to him but stopped. Raking a hand through his hair, he tried to get some sort of control over the shock he’d just received.
‘Helen’s right. Why bother with a paternity test when the kid looks just like me?’
‘Declan. His name is Declan.’
‘Declan what? What’s his surname, Rach?’
‘Cusack.’
‘Not Silvermark? Why? Didn’t want him following in his father’s footsteps?’
‘Look, Joe, you made it quite clear you never wanted to have children the day we annulled our marriage. In fact, wasn’t that one of the reasons you cited to get the marriage annulled? I wanted children and you didn’t, so we were at an impasse?’
‘We cited.’
‘No, Joe. You. You were the one who pushed for it.’
‘You went along with it.’
‘What choice did I have? The man I’d not only fallen head over heels in love with and married told me two days later it had all been a joke just to get me into bed. You’d completely humiliated me and broken my heart in the process. You wanted to be rid of me so I let you, but don’t go trying to blame our failed relationship on me. At least I was willing to work at it.’
She was right. She had been more than willing to work things out. She’d told him she could do without ever having children but he’d seen in her eyes that she’d been lying. He closed his eyes for a moment, trying to deal with the situation better than he had all those years ago. She’d ended up begging him and she had no idea just how hard it had been for him to walk away. He’d had to hurt her, he’d had to push her away because back then he’d loved her too much to ruin her life.
‘It wouldn’t have mattered how much we’d worked at it, Rach, it would have ended in misery.’ The words came out dejected and he hated her for hauling all these old emotions back to the surface. Earlier in the day when he’d decided he needed some sort of closure where Rachael was concerned, he hadn’t expected the emotions to be so powerful. And now…now…to top everything off, he discovered he had a son.
‘Why didn’t you tell me about the boy?’
‘Would you have listened to me? Believed me? Wanted us back?’ He remained silent and she saw the answer right there in his face. ‘You’d already said anything between us was doomed to failure. Do you honestly believe that was something I’d do to my son?’
‘Our son.’
‘Oh, so you want one now, do you?’
He ground his teeth together. ‘My opinion on children hasn’t changed but, regardless of that, I won’t deny Declan is mine.’
‘How magnanimous of you. Well, for your information, Declan and I are doing just fine and we have for the past fourteen years.’
He deserved that but it was yet another kick in the stomach. ‘Is this why you didn’t want to stay here at the clinic? Because you were afraid I’d discover the truth about him?’
‘No.’
‘Wait a minute.’ Joe’s thoughts began to catch up with him. ‘Declan knew my name.’
‘Yes.’
‘He knows about me?’ he asked incredulously.
‘I’ve never lied to him.’
‘So he’s known about me all along?’
‘Yes.’
‘Isn’t that a bit tough for a young kid to take?’
‘I didn’t tell him everything the instant he was born, Joe, but neither did I hide the truth. As he’s grown older, we’ve discussed it in more detail. I’ve always told him that if he ever wanted to find you I would help him, but he decided against it.’
‘Probably just as well,’ Joe mumbled, but she heard him.
‘It’s quite clear you don’t want either of us in your life, Joe, and that’s not a problem. I’ve agreed to stay here until the end of next week, which gives Helen sufficient time to find another locum to cover the rest of Alison’s maternity leave. Once that’s over, Declan and I will be out of your life for ever.’
‘And if Declan wants to get to know me?’
Rachael frowned, her tone changing. ‘I won’t have him hurt, Joe. If he does then you have a decision to make. You’re either in or you’re out because I won’t have him messed about.’
‘But I’m his father.’
‘No.’ She hardened her hear
t against him. She would somehow find a way to cope with the emotions he was evoking within her, but where Declan was concerned she refused point blank to have her son hurt. She’d go head to head with her stubborn ex-husband if she had to. ‘You’ve never been his father, Joe. In fact, you were nothing more than the sperm donor.’
She certainly knew how to cut him to the quick and he tried not to wince at her words. ‘Does that mean you were planning to trap me by getting pregnant?’
‘Trap you? Trap you with what? Marriage? We were already married, Joe. We didn’t have sex until our wedding night. What type of trap are you talking about? Besides, why on earth would I plan to get pregnant at the age of eighteen when I was all set to go to medical school?’
She was right. He wasn’t thinking straight. How could he? ‘You obviously made it.’
‘I was forced to learn at an early age how to survive.’ She lifted her chin with a hint of defiance. ‘Now, if you’ll excuse me, Declan and I have an appointment.’
‘Where?’
‘It’s none of your business, Joe.’
She was right—again. She headed towards him and stopped when there were only inches between them. ‘You have a decision to make. You’re either willing to get to know him or you’re not. Make the choice and let me know your decision. Until then, Declan is off limits.’
‘Protecting the young?’
‘I’m his mother.’ The words were said with pride and confidence. He could tell from the look in her icy-cold blue eyes that she meant business. It was a warning as well as a threat, and Joe nodded sharply, acknowledging her words. He hated it when she was right, and he knew she was. It wasn’t fair to the kid. Rachael had always been a straightshooter. She said what she thought and that had been one of the things that had attracted him to her in the first place. OK, the first had been her looks and gorgeous body, but her directness and honesty had been highly important to him, given his past.
Joe couldn’t help looking over his shoulder as she stalked down the corridor. Her back was straight, her hips wiggled in that innocent yet provocative way and her skirt, which came to just above the knee, revealed a good portion of those luscious legs he’d coveted all those years ago.
A low, guttural sound of desire rumbled in his throat and he forced himself to look away. He still wanted her. Was that a good sign? Surely it couldn’t be a healthy sign! He was looking for closure, not to start anything up with her again.
He headed into his consulting room and shut the door, not wanting to see Rachael and her son—their son, he corrected himself as they left. For the first time in fourteen years he wanted a drink. Something smooth and calming—like brandy—to wash away the pain. Or perhaps a few quick shots of tequila to help him forget. But he’d given up drinking after that fateful day on Waikiki beach.
‘Where did he go?’ Joe heard Declan ask, and held his breath, waiting for his consulting-room door to open. Rachael’s muted tones followed and a moment later he heard them leave. He walked around to his desk, knowing Helen would be pouncing on him at any second, and he just wanted another moment’s peace to try desperately to get himself together.
There was a brief knock at the door, then Helen entered. ‘Mind if I come in?’
‘If I say no, will you go away?’ he asked rhetorically. ‘I’m actually surprised you knocked. Usually you just barge right in.’
‘Except when you have patients with you.’ He acknowledged her words with a nod while he waited for Helen to seat herself in the chair opposite him. ‘Do you think there are any more shocks still to come?’ she asked.
‘With Rachael? No doubt.’
‘Is that a fair statement? Because from everything you’ve told me about your extremely brief marriage to the woman, it sounds as though she wasn’t at fault for any of it. You can hardly blame her for not telling you about the boy.’
‘Hey, whose side are you on?’
‘Hers.’
‘Thanks. I thought you were my friend.’
Helen had the audacity to laugh. She walked around and leant against his desk, placing a maternal hand on his shoulder. ‘I couldn’t have children, Joe. You’ve always known that, and for some reason when I met you at the hospital when you were brought in at the age of twelve for your first set of stitches, well for some strange reason I took a liking to you. I thought to myself, Helen, old girl, here is a kid who’s good at heart and with a little love and kindness will make a real difference in the world.’ She paused and moved her hand to cup his cheek. ‘Of course I’m your friend, Joe. I love you like a son and I’m proud of everything you’ve accomplished. You’ve pulled yourself up from the depths of the gutter and made a success of your life.’
‘Why do I feel there’s a ‘‘but’’ coming?’
‘Because there is, Declan. I only spent a few minutes with him, Joe, but he’s a good kid. A smart kid. He’s going to that co-ed school down the road.’
‘The one for gifted children?’
‘Yes. He told me he was successful in getting a place there—and, believe me, they don’t accept new candidates lightly. Rachael quit her practice in Cairns to move here for him.’
Joe nodded. ‘Sounds like a Rachael thing to do.’
‘You told me once that you trusted her. You’re not a man to trust easily, Joe, so when you give your trust to someone, it’s like a rare and very precious gift.’ Helen paused, watching him closely. ‘I know you’ve only spent a brief amount of time with both of them, but do you trust her with Declan?’
‘That’s a strange question. How should I know?’
‘You’re looking at it from a worldly angle. I’m asking about your gut instincts, your heart and soul. Do you trust her with Declan?’
Joe thought for a moment, remembering that protective look she’d levelled him with. A mother protecting her chick. ‘Yes.’
‘Would you trust yourself with him?’
Again Joe thought. He was on Helen’s wavelength now and he felt a lot of the emotions he’d fought off as a child beginning to return. ‘I never asked to be a father.’ The words came out choked. He remembered hearing those same words come out of his own father’s mouth when his mother had been pregnant with his baby brother. I never asked to be a father! The words had been hurtled abusively, along with a few slaps across his mother’s face. Both of them had been drunk but at the time he hadn’t realised that. All he’d known at the age of four had been the feeling of total rejection and utter fear. ‘I didn’t want to be a father.’
‘But you are.’ Helen’s tone was firm.
‘I’m no good at this stuff. Caring for people. Playing happy families. It’s just not me. I’ll stuff it up, just like my old man did.’
‘What utter garbage, and I personally resent it. You are nothing like your old man or any of those other jerks your mother hooked up with. You are more than capable of caring for people. Just look at Melina and myself.’
‘Melina’s my half-sister and you’re different.’
‘How?’
‘You’re you.’ Joe raked a hand through his hair. ‘You know what I mean.’
‘Yes, I do, and that’s my point. I know you care for me, Joe, and you have done for almost twenty years.’
He smiled, trying to lighten the moment. ‘Has it been that long?’
‘Declan is a part of you.’ Helen’s words were soft but imploring and Joe’s smile disappeared. ‘Your blood runs through him. No, you didn’t ask for it but it’s happened. Accept it and think about his life. You didn’t know about him before but you do now and the decisions you make will have long-lasting repercussions.’ Helen’s gaze softened. ‘He seems like a good kid, and he was so excited to finally get to meet you.’ She paused. ‘Don’t mess with him, Joe. At the very least, you owe him that.’
His pager beeped and he glanced at the number. ‘They need me back on set.’
Helen nodded and moved away from him. ‘Go. Work. Think. I’ll lock up.’
Joe waited until she’d left hi
s room before taking a deep breath. He could feel the dark clouds beginning to close in on him once more and he hated that feeling. Move. Move! He needed to keep busy, to get to the studio where he could immerse himself in the intricacies involved in moviemaking.
The studio wasn’t far and Joe, who felt like just driving his car far out of town until it ran out of petrol, forced himself to slow down and obey the road rules. He tried not to think about Rachael or Declan while he worked, but found it almost impossible. Dark thoughts, distant memories from his childhood kept raising their ugly heads. His father hitting his mother, his father hitting him, his father walking out the door. The losers his mother had hooked up with after that…One by one he recalled their faces, surprised at how the boxes he’d thought firmly locked in his subconscious opened easily with little prompting.
The babies his mother had had. For a while there she’d seemed to be constantly pregnant and always by a different guy. Joe shook his head, almost desperate to get the lids back on those boxes and push them back into the shadows where they belonged. He couldn’t be a father. He refused to take responsibility for wrecking Declan’s life, as he knew he would. It was genetic. His old man had been a loser and Joe had worked long and hard…struggled and scraped…to get himself to where he was. He’d taken a stand and refused to ruin his life, but when it came to the paternal instinct, he doubted he had one.
After two hours on the set, watching the actors do a fight sequence over and over, Joe checked their limbs for new bruises and any circulatory problems before pronouncing them both fine to go home and rest in a bath full of ice.
With his job done, he was free to head home…but home meant being alone with his thoughts and that was the last thing he wanted right now. Joe walked over to Wong, the stunt coordinator. ‘Anyone booked in the training room tonight?’ he asked his friend.
‘No.’ Wong peered closely at him. ‘You don’t look so good. Lots of anger around your eyes. Bad day, Joe?’
Had it been bad? No, not bad, just mind-tilting. ‘I’ve had worse.’
