by Han, Jenny
Taylor frowned at her. “Don’t be so judgmental. Belly, what do you think?”
“Um … he’s a nice guy. Jeremiah says he’s very loyal.”
“See?” Taylor crowed, poking Anika with her toe.
Anika gave me a look, and I smiled a sneaky smile and said, “He’s very, very loyal. So what if he’s, like, a smidge Cro-Magnon?”
Taylor threw a handful of popcorn at me and, giggling, I tried to catch some with my mouth.
“Are we going out with the boys tonight?” Anika asked.
“No, they’re doing their own thing. They’re going to some bar with half-off Irish car bombs or something.”
“Eww,” Taylor said.
Glancing back toward the kitchen, Anika said in a low voice, “You guys never told me how hot Conrad is.”
“He’s not that hot,” Taylor said. “He just thinks he is.”
“No he doesn’t,” I defended. To Anika, I said, “Tay’s just mad because he never went for her.”
“Why would he go for her when he was your man?”
“He was never my man,” I whispered.
“He was always your man,” Taylor said, spritzing herself with more suntan oil.
Firmly, I said, “Not anymore.”
For dinner we had steaks and grilled vegetables. It was a grownup kind of meal. Drinking red wine, sitting 216 · jenny han
around a table with all my friends, I felt adult. I was sitting next to Jeremiah, and he had his arm around my chair.
And yet.
All night, I talked to other people. I didn’t look in his direction, but I always knew where he was. I was painfully aware of him. When he was nearby, my body hummed.
When he was away, there was this dull ache. With him near, I felt everything.
He was sitting next to Anika, and he said something that made her laugh. I could feel my heart pinch. I looked away.
Tom stood up and made a toast. “To Belly and J-Fish, a really”—he belched—“amazing couple. Really freaking amazing.”
I saw Anika give Taylor a look, like you think this guy is cute? Taylor shrugged back at her. Everyone lifted their beer cans and wine glasses, and we clinked. Jeremiah pulled me to him and kissed me on the lips, in front of everyone. I pulled away, feeling embarrassed. I saw the look on Conrad’s face and wished I hadn’t.
Then Steven said, “One more toast, guys.” Awkwardly, he stood up. “I’ve known Jere my whole life. Belly too, unfortunately.”
I threw my napkin at him.
“You guys are good together,” Steven said, looking at me. Then he looked at Jeremiah. “Treat her right, man.
She’s a pain in the ass, but she’s the only sister I’ve got.”
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I could feel myself tear up. I got up and hugged him.
“You jerk,” I said, wiping my eyes.
As I sat back down next to Jere, he said, “I guess I should say something too. First, thanks for coming, you guys. Josh, Redbird. Taylor and Anika. It means a lot to have you here with us.” Jere nudged me, and I stared up at him, waiting for him to mention Conrad. I gave him a pointed look, but he didn’t seem to get it. He said, “You say something too, Belly.”
“Thanks for coming,” I echoed. “And, Conrad, thanks for this amazing meal. Really freaking amazing.”
Everyone laughed.
After dinner, I went up to Jeremiah’s room and watched him while he got ready to go out with the boys.
The girls were staying behind. I’d told Taylor she could go and get her flirt on with Redbird, but she said she’d rather stay. “He ate his steak with his hands,” she’d said, looking sick.
Jere was putting on deodorant, and I was sitting on his unmade bed. “You sure you don’t want to come with us?” he asked.
“I’m sure.” Suddenly, I said, “Hey, remember that time when you found that dog on the beach? And we named her Rosie until we realized she was a boy, and then we still kept calling her Rosie anyway?”
He looked at me, frowning slightly, remembering. “It wasn’t me who found her, it was Conrad.”
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“No, it wasn’t. It was you. And you cried when her owners came and got her.”
“No, that was Conrad.” His voice was hard all of a sudden.
“I don’t think so,” I said.
“It definitely was.”
“Are you sure?” I asked him.
“I’m positive. Steve and I gave him so much shit for crying.”
Had it really been Conrad? I’d been so sure of that memory.
We had Rosie for three glorious days before someone claimed her. Rosie was sweet. She was yellow and she had soft fur and we fought over whose bed she would sleep in at night. We decided to take turns, and my turn was last, so I never got to keep her in my bed.
What else had I remembered wrong? I was a person who loved to play Remember When in my head. I’d always prided myself on how I remembered every detail.
It scared me to think that my memories could be just ever-so-slightly wrong.
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Chapter Forty-four
After the boys left, we went up to my room to do nails and practice makeup for the wedding. “I still think you should get your makeup done,” Taylor said from my bed.
She was doing her toes a pale, chalky pink.
“I don’t want to spend any more of Mr. Fisher’s money. He’s spending enough as it is,” I said. “Besides, I hate wearing a lot of makeup. I never look like me.”
“They’re professionals—they know what they’re doing.”
“That time you took me to the MAC counter, they made me look like a drag queen,” I said.
“That’s their aesthetic,” Taylor said. “At least let me put false eyelashes on you. I’m wearing them. So is Anika.”
I looked at Anika, who was lying on the floor with a cucumber face mask on. “Your eyelashes are already long,” I said.
“She’s making me,” Anika said through gritted teeth, trying not to crack her mask.
“Well, I’m not wearing them,” I said. “Jere knows what my real eyelashes look like, and he doesn’t care. Besides, they make my eyes itch. Remember, Tay? You put them on me for Halloween, and I took them off as soon as you had your back turned.”
“A waste of fifteen dollars,” Taylor sniffed. She slid off the bed and sat next to me on the floor. I was trying on the different lipsticks Taylor had brought with her. So far it was between a rosy pink lip gloss and an apricot lipstick.
“Which do you like better?” I asked her. I had the gloss on my top lip and the lipstick on my bottom lip.
“The lipstick,” Taylor said. “It’ll pop better in pictures.”
At first we were just going to have Josh take pictures—
he’d taken a couple of photography classes at Finch, and he was the official frat photographer for all their parties. But now that Mr. Fisher and Denise Coletti were involved, we’d hired an actual photographer, someone Denise knew.
“I might still get my hair done,” Taylor said.
“Go for it,” I told her.
We all changed into our pajamas, and Taylor and Anika presented me with a wedding gift—a lacy white babydoll nightie with matching panties.
“For the wedding night,” Taylor said meaningfully.
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“Uh, yeah, I got that,” I said, holding up the underwear. I hoped I wasn’t blushing too red. “Thanks, guys.”
“Do you have any questions for us?” Taylor asked, perching on my bed.
“Taylor! I, like, live in the world. I’m not an idiot.”
“I’m just saying …” She paused. “You probably won’t like it that much the first couple of times. I mean, I’m super tiny, which means I’m really little down there, so it hurt a lot. It might not hurt as bad for you. Tell her, Anika.”
Anika rolled her eyes. “It didn’t hurt me at all, Iz.”
�
�Well, you probably have a large vagina,” Taylor said.
Anika thumped Taylor on the head with a pillow, and we all started giggling and couldn’t stop. Then I said,
“Wait, exactly how bad did it hurt, Tay? Did it hurt the way a punch in the stomach hurts?”
“Who’s ever punched you in the stomach?” Anika asked me.
“I have an older brother,” I reminded her.
“It’s a different kind of pain,” Taylor said.
“Did it hurt worse than period cramps?”
“Yes. But I would say it’s more comparable to getting a shot of Novocain in your gums.”
“Great, now she’s comparing losing your virginity to getting a cavity filled,” Anika said, getting up. “Iz, quit listening to her. I promise you it’s more fun than going to the dentist. It would be one thing if you were both 222 · jenny han
virgins, but Jeremiah knows what’s up. He’ll take care of you.”
Taylor collapsed into another fit of giggles. “He’ll take care of her!”
I tried to smile, but my face felt frozen. Jeremiah had been with two other girls. His high school girlfriend, Mara, and now Lacie Barone. So yeah, I was pretty sure he’d know what to do. I just wished he didn’t.
We were all lying in my bed, side by side by side. We were just talking with the lights off, and Anika fell asleep first. I’d been going over and over it, whether or not I should confide in Taylor, tell her about Conrad, how mixed up I’d been feeling. I wanted to tell her, but I was also afraid.
“Tay?” I whispered. She was lying next to me, and I was on the edge of the bed because I was going to leave and sleep in Jere’s room when the boys came back.
“What?” Her voice was sleepy.
“Something weird happened.”
“What?” She was alert now.
“Yesterday, Conrad cut his leg up surfing, and I helped him, and there was this weird moment between us.”
“Did you kiss?” she hissed.
“No!” But then I whispered, “But I wanted to. I was—I was tempted to.”
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“Whoa,” she said with a little sigh. “But nothing happened, right?”
“Nothing happened. I just feel … freaked out because I kind of wanted it to. Just for a second.” I let out a big breath. “I’m getting married in a couple of days. I shouldn’t be thinking about kissing other boys.”
Softly, she said, “Conrad’s not other boys. He’s your first love. Your first great love.”
“You’re right!” I said, relieved. I felt lighter already. “It’s nostalgia. That’s all this is.”
Taylor hesitated and then said, “There’s something I haven’t told you. Conrad went to see your mom.”
My breath caught. “When?”
“A couple of weeks ago. He convinced her to come to the bridal shower. She told my mom, and my mom told me… .”
I was silent. He did that for me?
“I didn’t tell you, because I didn’t want it to get you all mixed up again. Because you love Jere, right? You want to marry him?”
“Uh-huh.”
“Are you sure? Because it’s not too late, you know.
You could still call the whole thing off—you don’t have to do this this weekend. You could take some more time… .”
“I don’t need more time,” I said.
“Okay.”
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I rolled over. “Good night, Tay.”
“Good night.”
It took a while before her breathing turned heavy and regular, and I just lay there next to her, thinking.
Conrad was still looking out for me. Silently, I got out of bed, crossed the room, and felt my way around my bureau until I found it. My glass unicorn.
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Chapter Forty-five
When Susannah would drop us off at the mall or the Putt Putt, she would put Conrad in charge every time.
She’d say, “Take care of them, Connie. I’m counting on you.”
There was this time we split up at the mall, because the boys wanted to go to the arcade and I didn’t. I was eight. I said I’d meet them in the food court in one hour.
I went straight to the glass-blower shop. The boys never wanted to go in the glass-blower shop, but I loved it.
I’d wander from counter to counter. I especially liked looking at the glass unicorns. I wanted to buy one, just a little one, but they were twelve dollars. I only had ten. I couldn’t stop looking at the unicorn. I’d pick it up then put it down again then pick it up again. Before I knew it, more than an hour had passed, almost two. I ran back to the food court as fast as I could. I worried the boys had left without me.
When I showed up, Conrad wasn’t there. Jeremiah and Steven were sitting in the Taco Bell section counting their arcade tickets. “Where have you been?” Steven said, looking annoyed.
I ignored him. “Where’s Conrad?” I asked Jeremiah, panting.
“He went off looking for you,” Jeremiah said. To Steven, he said, “Do you want to use our tickets to buy something now or save up a ton for next time?”
“Let’s wait,” Steven said. “The guy told me they’re getting more prizes next week.”
When Conrad came back a little while later to find me sitting with Jeremiah and Steven and eating an ice cream cone, he looked so mad. “Where were you?” he yelled. “You were supposed to be back here at three!”
I could feel a lump in my throat, and I knew I was about to cry. “At the glass-blower shop,” I whispered, my Moose Tracks ice cream dripping in my hand.
“If something happened to you, my mom would have killed me! I’m the one she left in charge.”
“There was this unicorn…”
“Forget it. You’re not coming anywhere with us anymore.”
“No, Conrad! Come on,” I cried, brushing my tears away with my sticky hand. “I’m sorry.”
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He felt bad for yelling, I could tell. He sat down next to me and said, “Don’t ever do that again, Belly. From now on, we stick together. Okay?”
“Okay,” I said, sniffling.
For my birthday that August, Conrad gave me a glass unicorn. Not the small one, but the big one that cost twenty dollars. Its horn broke off during one of Jeremiah and Steven’s wrestling matches, but I kept it. I kept it right on top of my bureau. How could I have thrown such a gift away?
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Chapter Forty-six
Conrad
I volunteered to be the DD. By the time we left the house, everyone was already pretty sloppy from the wine and beer.
We took that kid Tom or Redbird or whatever-his-name-is’s car because it was the biggest. It was practically a Hummer. Jere sat in the passenger seat next to me, and the other guys sat in the back.
Tom reached up between us and turned the radio on.
He started to rap with the music, off beat and wrong lyr-ics. Josh joined him, and Steven opened up the sunroof and stuck his head out.
With a sidelong glance at Jere, I said, “These are your friends?”
He laughed and started rapping too.
The bar was packed. Girls everywhere in high heels and glossy lipstick, with their hair shiny and straight.
Right away, Redbird started trying to dance on every girl that walked by. Shot down each and every time.
I went to the bar to get the first round, and Steven followed me. We were waiting to get the bartender’s attention when he clapped his hand on my shoulder and said,
“So how are you doing with this whole thing?”
“What? The wedding?”
“Yeah.”
I turned away from him. “It is what it is.”
“Do you think it’s a mistake?”
I didn’t have to answer him, because I finally got the bartender’s attention. “Five double shots of tequila and a Newcastle,” I said.
Steven said,
“You’re not going to take a shot with us?”
“I’ve got to take care of you numskulls, remember?”
We carried the shots back to the table where the other guys were sitting. All five guys pounded them back, and then Redbird got up and started beating his chest and yelling like Tarzan. The guys busted up laughing and started egging him on to go talk to a couple of girls on the dance floor. He and Steven went over to them, and we all sat back and watched. Steven was having better luck than Redbird. He and the red-haired girl started dancing, and Redbird came back to our table, dejected.
“I’ll get us another round,” I said. I figured it was my duty as best man to get them all wasted.
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I came back with five more shots of tequila, and since Steven was still out on the dance floor, Jere downed his shot.
I was nursing my beer when I heard that guy Josh say to Jeremiah, “Dude, you’re finally gonna get to close with Belly.”
My head snapped up. Jeremiah had his arm slung around Josh while he sang, “It’s a nice day for a white wedding.”
They hadn’t had sex yet?
Then I heard Josh say, “Yo, you’re, like, a virgin now too. You haven’t gotten any since Lacie in Cabo.”
Cabo? Jeremiah had gone to Cabo this past spring break. When he and Belly were a couple.
Jeremiah started to sing, off-key, “Like a virgin, touched for the very first time.” Then he stood up. “I gotta piss.”
I watched him stumble off to the bathroom, and Josh said, “Fisher’s a lucky bastard. Lacie is smokin’.”
Tom elbowed him and said, loudly, “Shit, remember how they locked us out of the hotel room?” To me, he said, “This is hilarious, man. Hilarious. They locked us out, and they were so into it, they didn’t even hear us knocking. We had to sleep in the friggin’ hallway that night.”
Laughing, Josh said, “That girl was hella loud, too. Oh, Jere-uhhh-mi-uhhh…”
I saw red. Under the tables, I clenched my fists. I wanted to hit something. First I wanted to hit these two we’ll always have summer · 231
guys, and then I wanted to go find my brother and beat the shit out of him.
I jumped up from the table and made my way across the club, shouldering and pushing my way through the crowd until I got to the bathroom.
