by Beth Maria
I eventually stand up and walk out of the coffee shop, heading toward my truck. My cell rings just as I get in. My parents. I’m not in the mood for another one of their lectures. It’s all they’ve been doing since they found out that I used to sleep with Chloe. Ignoring the call, I put my truck into drive and head off home. I’m done for the day. I just need to sleep as I was up most of last night with a girl whose name I don’t remember. I’m not proud of it, though it helps me to forget about Chloe for a while; the girl who captured my heart at first glance, who I allowed into my life before fucking everything up, and who I will probably never have again.
Chapter 2
Chloe
“Come on. You have to come to Jake’s party,” Maisie begs.
“Look, Maisie, it’s not as if you’re going to be alone. Jesse will be with you. Quit bugging me, will you?”
“No. Whatever is going on between you and Jake doesn’t mean you have to stop attending his parties. You probably won’t even see him. Plus, Evan will probably want you to go.”
I stand up from my bed, pacing my dorm. She’s right. Evan will want me to go. He just hasn’t asked me yet as I haven’t seen him since Jake announced the party was happening.
“You owe me from when you pushed me into going to Jake’s party when we first started college. I didn’t want to go, but you made me, so now I’m going to make you. Put on your big girl panties and get an outfit sorted for Saturday.” She points her finger at me, a stern expression on her face.
GAAAHHH! Now I have no choice but to go. Damn it. Why did I force her to go all those months ago? Oh yeah, because you and Jake were sort of okay at the time, before he stuck his big fat nose into my business a few months ago. That’s why.
“Fine, you win. I’m only staying for an hour though. I have better things to be doing than attending your brother’s stupid party,” I tell her, pissed that I now have to go.
“Like what? Sit in your bed watching crappy night time TV and eating enough ice-cream to feed a third world country?” she laughs.
“Exactly,” I laugh back.
“On a more serious note though, Chloe, you can’t avoid each other forever. You go to the same college together, for crying out loud, and he’s my brother. You’re bound to bump into each other hanging around with the same people,” she says, her face turning serious again.
It’s like the tables have turned. Not too long ago, it was me giving her advice. “I know, but one day you will understand why,” I tell her vaguely. God, how I wish I could talk to her about it, instead of having to keep it a secret what is eating me up inside.
“I sure hope so because it’s killing me knowing something is wrong with you and not being able to do anything to help you,” she tells me, her face turning solemn.
I give her an awkward smile and change the subject. “So how’s your therapy going?”
Now it’s Maisie’s turn to act awkward. This is a touchy subject for her, but we haven’t spoken about it in a while and I want to know how she’s doing. Just over a month ago, her ex, Matt, held her hostage with the local bitch, Tiffany, and then Tiffany tricked Jesse, and he was also held hostage. They did all that because Matt and Tiffany wanted something that they couldn’t have- Maisie and Jesse. Eventually Jesse found a way to get them out of there, and Matt was sent to a mental institution. Tiffany just disappeared off the face of the Earth. Maisie was hurt pretty badly, both physically and emotionally, and it destroyed her, especially because he was someone who she gave years of her life to. Now she’s seeking therapy to try to get her life back on track.
“Oh, same as usual. I don’t see the point in this. It’s not helping at all,” she replies disgusted.
“Well, are you talking about what happened, or are you keeping it bottled up? You know it won’t help you if you don’t talk about it.” Now it’s my turn to moan at her.
“Not you as well.” She sighs.
“Your parents?” I ask.
“Yeah, and Jesse. They never stop moaning to me about it. They aren’t doing therapy, so they don’t know what it’s like. It’s a bunch of crap,” she says, rolling her eyes at me. I just laugh at her. She’s always moaning about her parents and Jesse and how they keep ganging up on her about the whole therapy thing.
“I know you don’t want to go anymore, but please just try to do as you’re told. That means answering all the questions your therapist asks. You might just find that it helps.”
“If I do, will you stop nagging me as well?” she pleads.
“Yes,” I say, sitting back down on my bed. We seriously need to get our own place so that I can sit down on a sofa!
“Fine, I’ll start opening up, but I guarantee you that it won’t help.” She crosses her arms, giving me evils. I just laugh at her because I know that she’s lying.
“Promise me?” I ask, knowing that she won’t break a promise to me. I’ve given her no choice now.
“Yes, I promise! Eurgh, change the subject. This is making me want to crawl into bed and eat ice-cream, and I can’t because I’m meeting Jesse in an hour.”
“Let’s catch up on some 90210 then, shall we?” I ask, giving her a cheeky smile.
“Hell yeah! I need some Liam in my life for an hour.”
I put in the DVD, and we sit and watch it for the next hour. Sometimes I wish my life was like that; a huge circle of friends who’d do anything for each other and seem to always have fun. It would be a nice reprieve from my life at the moment.
Jesse eventually picks Maisie up. It’s sickly sweet watching the affection between them two. It’s clear to see that they love each other more than anything, but it makes me a bit jealous sometimes. I wish I could find someone who would do anything for me and love me even half as much as Jesse loves Maisie. I know Evan could, but it’s not right when I don’t feel the same way. I know I’m going to have to end it with him soon.
As soon as Maisie’s gone and I’m alone, the loneliness creeps in. I hate it when this happens. At least when I’m with people, I can sort of forget. When I’m on my own, I have no choice but to listen to my thoughts. There are only two ways that I can forget about my fucked up life when I’m by myself, and that’s to either get completely drunk, which is starting to not work anymore, or to do my new habit, which I’m not proud of. It works, though, and I’ll take whatever I can right now.
My cell rings, distracting me from my thoughts.
“Hello?” I answer.
“Hey, babe, I’m going to spend the evening with Jake, so I’ll see you tomorrow. That okay?” Evan asks. I breathe a sigh of relief. I can’t do what I’m about to do if Evan is here. He doesn’t know, and I’m not about to tell him anytime soon.
“Yeah, that’s fine. Have fun, and I’ll speak to you tomorrow,” I tell him, trying to disguise the fact that I’m relieved.
“Will do. Bye babe,” he says before disconnecting the call.
I put my cell down on my bed and stand up. I hate the fact what I’m about to do, and if anybody found out, I wouldn’t like to think about what they would do. But this is the only way that I can cope.
I walk over to my bedside cabinet, digging deep in my underwear draw, and pull out the tiny bag that I keep for urgent times. Like now.
I stare at the white powder that will change my life for a few minutes, until I can’t look at it anymore. I just need to get it over and done with, and then I will be able to relax for a little while. I set up everything on my bedside cabinet, roll the note that I keep for situations like this, and then sniff. God, that hurt, but it’s worth the small amount of pain for the reprieve that I’m going to feel in a few minutes.
Then I sit and wait for it to do its magic.
This is how the rest of my night goes; going back and forth to my little white powdered friend until all of it is gone and I’m left feeling numb. Then I climb into bed, falling asleep as soon as my head touches the pillow, not having a care in the world. Well, until the morning anyway.
Jake
/> “How’d she take it, bro?” I ask as Evan walks back into the room.
“She was cool about it, just like I knew she would be. Chloe’s the perfect girl. She doesn’t kick up a fuss when I spend time with my friends, she makes me laugh, and I love her company. It’s never boring with her.” Evan smiles. He doesn’t know it, but with every word he says about Chloe, he sticks the knife in further, constantly reminding me of what I lost.
I just smile back at him. I hope it looks sincere, even though it’s anything but. “She’s a keeper then.” It takes all I have to say that, but he can’t know that anything is wrong. I often change the subject when he brings up Chloe. I hate the fact that he’s got my girl. She should be with me. But if she never has me again, then I would want her to be happy with someone who I know will treat her like she’s his world, and that is Evan. At least if he hurts her, I know I will be able to kick his ass.
“She is,” he says sounding distracted. He should be happy about that, not looking down at the floor lost in thought.
“Want to talk about it?” I begrudgingly ask. Even though he’s dating the only woman I have ever loved, he’s still my best friend, and if he has something on his chest, then I will be the one to listen.
“It might just be me, but Chloe’s been a bit distant with me recently.” Has she now? “Sometimes, when I ask if she wants to do something, she would rather be in her room doing nothing. It’s not like Maisie is going to be there. She practically lives with Jesse. So what is she doing? Does she not like my company anymore?” He runs his hands through his hair, sitting down on the bar stool, his elbows on the island. He looks defeated. Before I have time to reply, he sits up straight. “Never mind. It’s probably just me being paranoid. Forget I even said anything.”
How can I just ignore what he’s just told me? I know it’s horrible of me, seeing as he is my best friend, but I’m not worried about how he feels right now. All that’s playing through my mind is what could be wrong with Chloe. Even I know that isn’t like her. She never really likes being by herself. She’s always been a very sociable person. Something must be very wrong if she’s hoarding herself up in her room, and I want to know more than anything. I want to be able to help and be her ear if she needs someone to vent to. I know that I’m deluded if I think that she would talk to me. She can’t even stand to be in my presence for more than two minutes at best.
I can’t even get Maisie to speak with her. Maisie has been off with me ever since she found out that I used to sleep with Chloe. Asking for her to help me by talking to Chloe would lead to all sorts of questions, questions that I’m not ready to answer yet.
“Alright, dude, wanna play some xbox?” I ask, knowing that will help him unwind.
“Yeah, let’s get some Call of Duty on. I’m gonna whoop your ass,” he tells me, hopping down from the bar stool in the kitchen, and then strolling into the living room and turning on the xbox.
I grin at him. “You wanna bet on it?”
“Hell yeah! Ten bucks says I beat your ass. Best of three rounds?” Evan plops down on the sofa, chucking me a controller.
“Deal. You might as well give me your money now.” I hold my hand out.
“Here you go.” He puts his hand in his pocket, then pulls his hand back out sticking his middle finger up at me. “Go fuck yourself. I’m going to win.” This is the Evan I know - carefree.
I lean forward to get a good view of the TV. I’m going to need to concentrate on this.
Except, as soon as the game starts, my mind goes straight back to what it’s constantly thinking about - Chloe. How can I make sure that she’s okay when she won’t talk to me? I can’t talk to Evan about it because he has no fucking idea about our past, and Maisie? Well, that’s a whole other ball game.
“Fuck yeah!” Evan shouts, scaring the shit out of me.
“Huh?” I ask him, seeing him standing up in front of me, holding his hand out and wearing a shit eating grin on his face.
“Hand it over, dude. You lost.”
Shit. I was too busy thinking about Chloe and what’s wrong with her to concentrate. Now I’m ten bucks down. I pull the money out of my wallet, slapping it down into his open hand.
“Want to play again? Double or nothing?” Evan asks, still grinning at me.
Fucker, is trying to make me broke. “No, you’re alright. My mind isn’t in it.”
“You want to tell me what’s got you so caught up that you can’t concentrate? This isn’t like you, man. Don’t think I haven’t noticed how pissed you’ve been recently,” he asks, his face turning serious.
I haven’t disguised my mood very well obviously. I’m always so carefree in front of my friends, but having Chloe not ten minutes away from me is making my facade drop. This isn’t good. I can’t exactly turn around and say, “Well, the thing is - I’m in love with the girl that you’re dating, and I have been ever since I can remember. Except I fucked things up and lost my chance with her, then you swooped in and completely fucked whatever chance I had left.” I don’t think that would go down well. I’m going to have to wing it and hope that he buys it. “Just parent issues bro,”
“You still ignoring them?” he asks, giving me his full attention.
“Yeah, I can’t be dealing with their shit right now.” Deep down, I know that I deserve it, only worse.
“You never did tell me why they’re having a go at you. You must have done something big for them to be this angry with you.”
“Or something,” I say quietly, my mind wandering to what they found out when I went down for Thanksgiving.
“Well, are you going to tell me what it was about?” he presses, not satisfied with the vague answers.
Fuck it. I’ll tell him as much of the truth as possible. “Some girl turned up when I was down for Thanksgiving and started shouting at me about how I’d slept with her and never called back. She wouldn’t leave, so my parents got pissed. They didn’t know about my reputation until then, and to say they were a little bit disgusted would be an understatement.” There, let’s hope he buys that.
“Wow. What a way to find out that their son is a whore.” He laughs.
“Thanks.” I’m not amused, even if it isn’t the truth. I know that I have a reputation for sleeping around, though one never likes to be told, especially when the girl who I truly want more than life itself doesn’t want me anymore. None of the other girls I’ve bedded have ever met up to Chloe, not even close. They were just there to distract me until I was ready for her, and then to help me take my mind off how I royally fucked up.
“I bet your mom had a coronary?” he asks, his laughter getting louder the more that he thinks about it.
“You could say that.”
I don’t wait for him to finish laughing. I get up from the sofa, strolling into the kitchen to get a drink. I’m getting a headache from all this thinking. It’s over working my brain.
“Sorry, I shouldn’t laugh when it’s obviously bothering you,” Evan says, standing against the doorframe, his laughter having finally subsided. “Do you want to talk about it seriously?”
“Don’t sweat it,” I tell him, taking a swig of my water. “Look, I know I said we could spend some time together tonight, but I’m not feeling too good. I have banging headache. Would you mind if I called it a night?” I ask, hoping that he will say it’s fine. I’ve had as much as I can take today.
“Yeah, it’s fine. You do look like shit, now that you mention it. Go get an early night. We’ve got a party to start planning tomorrow.” Argh, fudge sticks. I’d completely forgotten about that. I can’t back out now though. People are expecting one of my legendary parties. Why did I agree to this? Because you were hoping that Chloe would show up. A little voice in my head tells me.
I give him a weak smile. “Cool. Night, bro.” I walk out of the kitchen, head up the stairs, and then shut my bedroom door before collapsing onto my bed face first. I put on my iPod and play the song that is my song to Chloe; Bruno Mars – When I was
your man. I don’t even care if it’s a woman’s song. This song conveys what I can’t say.
I just want a break for a few minutes, where I don’t think about the same thing that has been haunting me for the last nine months. It’s driving me insane inside. On the outside, people may not think anything is wrong, but that’s what I try to perceive to them. The people close to me are noticing that I’m slowly cracking, though. It’s only a certain amount of time before my life comes crumbling down around me. And I know it will, meaning my life will be fucked and there will be no way to stop that from happening. I’ve been doomed since that frightful day nine months ago.
Chapter 3
Chloe
Today is the day that I have been dreading for the last few days. Jake’s party.
I really don’t want to go when I could be doing so many other things, like being in my own company. That sounds really good right about now, but no… Instead, I have to go to a stupid party hosted by the biggest jerk in the world, all because my best friend and boyfriend are making me. I’ve been saying no for the past few days, until I got sick of hearing them moaning, then I said yes just to shut them up. I will go. However, I will be standing in the kitchen next to the vodka, and I won’t be moving. I’m not in the mood for dancing and having a laugh tonight. Usually I would be all for the party, except the date is closing in on me, and I can’t seem to see past it. I feel like I shouldn’t be having fun when I didn’t even give my baby a chance to live its life.
I check myself in the mirror, hating the person that’s staring back at me. I’ve lost some weight it seems, as my white dress doesn’t hug my body like it used to just a few short weeks ago. Nobody else would notice it except for me, but my stress is really taking its toll on my body.
“Are you done yet?” Maisie shouts through the door.
I take one final look at myself before opening the door. Maisie looks beautiful in a gold dress that, unlike mine, hugs her curves in all the right places. I envy her for having curves. I’m just flat. I don’t have any shape to my body.
