by Jill Shalvis
Her eyes smoldered.
He knew his did, too. "But I think you also know that what's happening to us is more than sex. Much more."
"And it's not what you wanted," she concluded, searching his face carefully.
"I never wanted such a connection, no," he admitted.
"I made you mad last night." Lani reached for one of his hands. "I was putting things in your house without asking, and now you don't want me anymore."
No. God, no. "I was mad at me last night, because when I walked in and saw what you were doing, and how right it all seemed, I panicked. I've been very busy, Lani, trying to avoid you and what you make me feel. My temper's frayed. All control is gone, flat gone." He studied her hand in his and sighed. "My project isn't getting done because I can't concentrate on work. That's never happened before. And when I look into your eyes, I see the terrifying truth."
"What truth?"
He grimaced, stood and walked the length of the hospital room before turning back to her.
Everything about her in the big white room seemed so vulnerable. Her pale features. Her narrow shoulders. Those expressive eyes.
"Colin, what truth?"
"I accused you of forgetting this was all pretend. But the truth is, it's me that keeps forgetting." He turned and stared grimly out the window.
Behind him, on the bed, Lani remained silent. "I'm sorry, I'm so damn sorry you got hurt," he said. "I sat there by you all night crucifying myself because it's my fault, but I can't go on like this. It has to be pretend between us, Lani. That's all it can be."
"You sat by me the entire night?"
He turned and saw the stunned surprise on her pale face. "Did you think I would leave you here alone?" But he saw that's exactly what she thought. He swore softly. "That's not very flattering."
"But it's just pretend between us." She repeated his words, slightly mocking. "What else would I think?"
"I care for you," he said carefully. "More than I want to. I've always been honest with you."
"Yes," she agreed, rubbing her head. "You're right. You've been honest. Don't worry, Colin, I don't blame you. There's no reason for all that guilt I see on your face."
"You're free to leave here," he said quietly, coming close. "But you need rest and to be taken care of. Will you let me bring you home?"
"Are you worried I'll renege on our deal?"
"No," he lied.
Lani let out a little laugh, which made her wince. She tossed back her covers and stood shakily, pushing his hand away when he tried to help steady her. "I'm fine, I don't need taking care of. Just a little headache, that's all." Her eyes were unusually cool, even as she weaved a bit on her feet. "And yes, I'll come with you. I gave you my word, remember?"
He remembered. And hated himself for it.
* * *
"How long are you going to be mad at me?" Colin asked.
Lani was sprawled in his bed. He couldn't help but notice she was wearing a T-shirt, his T-shirt, and she looked so damn good he had to stay at the door so that he could be sure to control himself.
She didn't answer him.
Her face was pale. Her eyes were lined with delicate purple shadows. His heart hurt just looking at her. "Lani?"
She leaned back against his pillows, her face inscrutable. "I'm going to be mad for a while. Probably." She looked away. "Well, for at least a few more minutes."
"Isn't there anything I can do to change that?"
"Sure." She met his gaze again, her eyes daring him. "Tell me about the ex-wife you still love."
"Lani."
"That's what I thought. Too chicken."
How was he supposed to tell her that he wasn't nursing that kind of pain, but a deeper one, the betrayal and loss of his best friend? It humiliated him, shamed him. "I'd rather talk about that fascinating book." He gestured to the erotica sitting on his nightstand. It was open, and when he moved closer he saw the chapter she'd been reading was titled, "Pleasure Him Every Night and You'll Never Regret It. Here's How."
"Did you finish that chapter?" he asked, his voice thick.
"Maybe." Her lips quirked, and in that moment, he saw a flicker of the warm, loving Lani he'd come to care for so much.
Unable to stop himself, he smiled at her. "That looks good, that almost-smile on your face. I missed that."
"Oh, Colin." She melted, all ice gone. "You drive me crazy, but I miss you."
"I'm right here."
"That's not what I meant."
He knew what she meant, and he was helpless against the pull of the promise in her voice. But there was lingering hurt there, too, hurt he'd put there.
She was willing to listen to his past. His hurts. And suddenly, he wanted to tell her everything. "I don't still love my ex-wife. And I'm not pining away for her, either. It's not what you think."
"Then tell me."
"It was a long time ago. I thought we were happy, even though I knew she'd married me for my money—"
"Oh, Colin."
"It's true, and it's okay," he told her, hating the pity, knowing there'd be more before he was through. "I wanted her, too. She was beautiful and elegant and everything I thought I'd need. We were young, just out of school." He lifted a shoulder. "I worked a lot, and she hated that. She needed attention, lots of it, and I didn't give it. I couldn't—the truth is, I didn't see what the problem was. So, out of boredom, she struck up a friendship with my partner, my best friend, Max. She started off trying to convince him to have me work less. She ended up convincing him to—" Unable to stand still, he walked the length of his bedroom to stare out the picture window. "You know, I've never said any of this out loud. I've never been able to tell anyone."
"You can tell me," said Lani quietly from the bed. "You can tell me anything."
"I know." He drew in a deep breath and concentrated on the garden beyond his window. "She seduced Max, stole all my money and left town. Six months later I received divorce papers in the mail."
"How long ago was this?" she asked gently.
"Five years. I guess you could say I've not let a lot of people close to me since then."
"I think that's a fair assessment."
There was so much compassion in her voice he couldn't look at her. "I still blame her for Max," he said roughly. "We'd been friends all my life." He tried to be distant and tough, willing Lani to understand, to somehow help him resist her. "I promised myself I'd never get involved again. Ever. And I meant it."
"You're blaming the wrong person," she said quietly.
"I'm not blaming you."
"I meant yourself. It wasn't your fault. And it wasn't all hers, either. Your friend betrayed you, too, not just your wife. You were hit twice, hard, and I don't blame you for remaining hurt all this time. But Colin, not all women are so weak. Not all of us will betray their vows, and break the law while they're at it."
He shook his head. "I don't blame all women. That would be silly."
"Very," Lani agreed. "But I just realized, I haven't been as patient as I could be. I'll try harder, and maybe you will, too." Scooting to one side of the bed, she lifted his own covers, wordlessly inviting him in. "We're in a situation neither of us are easy with, but I think we can still salvage something and make the most of it, don't you?"
His heart was suddenly in his throat.
"Won't you hold me?" she asked. "Hold me as we've both wanted for too long now?"
He was there, doing exactly that, with no recollection of kicking off his shoes and diving into the bed.
With a slow touch, she smoothed his hair back and ran her fingers over his face. She cupped his jaw, studying him.
"What do you see?"
"You." She smiled. "There's not much of the successful inventor here right now." She looked pleased at that, and laughed when he frowned. "Don't get me wrong," she assured him. "I like that man. But this one—" her thumb slid over his lower lip and his entire body tightened in response "—this man is so much more. He's warm and loving and incredibly h
andsome. Colin…" her voice went husky with emotion "…you're the most wonderful thing in my life."
He knew he was staring at her with a dopey look of wonder on his face, and for once he couldn't master the control to mask it. She looped her arms around his neck and kissed him softly, then less softly. Then with her tongue.
"Must have been a hell of a chapter," he said, gasping when they broke apart for air.
She let out a slow, sexy grin that had him grinning back in return. "Yeah, it was." She snuggled close, pressing all those warm, lush curves against him. "Want to know what I learned?"
Before he could answer, she had snaked her hands beneath his shirt, touching him with eager, seeking hands. She unbuttoned his shirt, then shoved it off so she could touch his chest. Not stopping there, she slid the zipper on his pants down, then looked up at him. "If anyone stops us this time, I'm going to hurt them."
He let out a laugh that ended up as a groan because she'd slipped her hands inside and touched everything she found, and she'd found plenty.
Desire pumped through him as he buried all ten fingers in her cloud of blond hair, and holding her to him, seared them both with a long soul-searching kiss. It surprised him, this desperate need he had to keep that connection, that special, hot, wet mating of tongues. "Was this in the book?" he asked.
"No, I made all that up. Here—" She laughed breathlessly as she cupped him in her palms. Her fingers moved on him and he nearly lost it. "That's in the book," she whispered, breathing heavily in his ear. "And so is this…"
He moaned under her greedy fingers.
He wanted her skin to skin, wanted her legs entwined with his, wanted, wanted, wanted everything. It had been so long for him, and with all their aborted attempts at lovemaking over the past days, he was painfully aroused, so much so that his bones ached with it. "I want to see you," he murmured, and pulled off her shirt.
She wasn't wearing anything underneath.
Enthralled, he watched his fingers on her pale breasts, mesmerized by the way her nipples hardened when he tormented them with the tip of his tongue. He untied her sweatpants and slowly slid them down her smooth, toned legs.
She wasn't wearing anything beneath them, either, and he groaned at the sight stretched out before him. "Oh, baby," he whispered. "You're something. I've got to taste you."
She gripped and ungripped fistfuls of the sheets, writhing beneath him, panting his name as he traced over her with his tongue. When she shattered, crying and shuddering, he held her, rocked her as she slowly came back to her senses. Then he started all over again.
"I want you…" she managed when she could "…inside me."
He couldn't breathe, couldn't think beyond doing just that. He reached into his drawer by the bed, into the box he'd put there and tore open a foil packet while she watched, her eyes heavy and full of promise.
He came back to her, letting out a shuddery breath at the feel of her beneath him, "Open for me," he whispered. "Yeah…" he moaned as he sank in deep "…just like that."
She sighed his name.
"Wrap your legs… Ahh, Lani." He buried his face in the softness of her neck, surrounding himself with her. He could never get enough, never. He felt her muscles start to shake as he slowly pulled back, then again sank into her.
Her head tossed back and forth on the pillow.
He thrust again. And then again. Because he had to, he gathered her close and watched as her eyes glazed, as she gripped him tight and sobbed his name.
His last conscious thought before he followed her into paradise was that if she read the rest of that book, she just might kill him.
* * *
Chapter 11
« ^ »
He overslept. A shock, because Colin never overslept. His inner clock was as reliable as any alarm … or had been until this morning.
He was sprawled on his stomach, and given the chill hitting his bare butt, the covers were long gone. Groggy, he lifted his head and groaned when he saw that it was nearly nine o'clock.
His staff would get a big kick out of this since he knew Claudia had made certain each and every one knew about his engagement.
He'd get those sly looks, the ones that said they knew exactly what he'd been doing all night long.
They'd be right. He cracked open another eye and saw the empty foil packets scattered on the floor. He grinned. Oh, yeah, they'd made a considerable dent in his supply.
He felt insatiable. Unable to stop grinning, he rolled over, ready for more.
But he was alone.
Lani was gone. There was an indentation on the pillow where her head had been, giving him hazy images of how they'd finally slept, limbs entangled, faces close, but the sheets were cold now.
His heart constricted. No reason for panic, he told himself. It had just been sex.
Really great sex.
Then he saw the note on the nightstand.
Colin,
Had to work. Couldn't bring myself to wake you, you looked too cute.
Looking forward to sharing the next chapter in the book.
Love, Lani
Cute? He wasn't cute. But just thinking about the next chapter brought his early morning hard-on to new levels of hard.
He hit the shower, closed his eyes to the hot, pounding spray and pretended that the "Love, Lani" part of the note didn't mean what he knew it did.
He had nearly convinced himself it was nothing, just a way of signing a note, when he walked into his kitchen. He was still barefoot, his shirt unbuttoned, a tie hanging loose around his neck in anticipation of a meeting with the Institute's founder.
Had Lani eaten? he wondered.
The thought stopped him in his tracks. He wasn't her keeper. She'd been managing to take care of herself for some time now without any help at all. He shouldn't worry.
But this strange protective possessiveness was startling and not a little uncomfortable. "It'll pass," he assured himself, coming to an abrupt stop.
Sitting at his table were his mother, Bessie and Lola, wearing wide, knowing grins.
"What?" he grumbled. "You've never seen a man desperate for coffee before?"
"Is that all you're desperate for?" Lola asked sweetly.
"In my books, a man's in bad shape when he talks to himself," Bessie decided. "And can't even properly dress himself for company." She tsked at his appearance.
Scowling. Colin started to button his shirt. "Since when are you company?"
"Darling." His mother looked at him with tenderness. "You seem a bit … well, unlike yourself."
"I'm late." He moved to the counter.
"We're here because we love you, you know that."
"I thought you were here to torture me." The last button at his neck felt like a noose.
"No, that was before you got engaged. The point is, we're here for you." His mother was hedging a bit, which was very unlike her. "By any chance," she asked, "Is there anything—anything at all—that you'd like to talk to us about?"
He laughed. "I know all about the birds and the bees, Mother, thanks."
"Oh, you." But she laughed, too. "You know what I mean."
He thought about thanking his aunt Bessie for giving Lani such delightful reading material. Thought also about thanking them for the previous interruptions because last night had been the most incredibly passionate night of his life.
"I'm fine," he said instead.
"And in love," Lola added.
Whoa. All three women were watching him now, waiting breathlessly on the edges of their seats.
"Right?" Bessie pressed. "You're totally, one-hundred-percent, can't-live-without-her, irrevocably, head-over-heels in love?"
He shook his head. "Okay, what's this really about?"
"We saw Lani this morning," his mother said. "She practically floated down the stairs. She's lovely, son, and so special. I love her already."
"But?"
"But if you're just toying with her to get me off your back, I'll never forgive myself."
"Frankly, Colin," Bessie interrupted, "we're not sure you deserve her."
"What?" He couldn't believe it. "You've been hounding me to get married, and now—"
"If you hurt that dear, sweet child…"
"Believe me, she's not a child," he informed his mother.
"Colin!" Lola gave him the evil eye. "Don't forget, we brought you into this world, and trust me, we can take you out again."
Colin managed to laugh. "This is a joke."
His mother stood and came close. She reached for his hands, touching him for the first time in a long time. "Colin, I love you. I want you to be happy. I think you could have that with Lani, but I don't know if you're going to let yourself do it. If you don't, or can't, you're going to hurt her. I feel responsible for that."
"Well, don't."
Her smile was sad. "I can't help it. Let go, Colin. Let go of your painful past and move on. That's all I want for you. I'd like to see you let yourself love with Lani."
"How do you know I'm not?"
"I know."
"I don't have time for this," he decided, pulling away. He grabbed his keys from the counter. "I wish the three of you would make up your damn minds. You want me married, you don't want me married … you're driving me crazy. I have work."
But it wasn't work he thought about on the drive into town; it was a sweet, blue-eyed blonde.
* * *
Colin parked and entered his building. Just being here made him feel better. Today he'd be able to work. Had to work. He had some great ideas he wanted to start on right away. Claudia stood when he came to her desk. Her face was pale and she looked as if she had a terrible secret.
His stomach fell. "What's up?"
"Here's your messages." She handed him a small stack of notes.
"Claudia, what's the matter?"
"Maybe you should get some coffee before you head to your office?"
"No, I need to get started. Are you all right?" Again she dodged the question. "Your cleaning crew is still in there."
Lani. His heart leaped. "Okay."
"Um…" She hesitated, then shook her head. "Never mind."
