by Magan Vernon
I hit until I couldn’t move my arms anymore and then I went home. My head was a fucking wreck. I needed some sort of outlet for my anger. Something other than killing people.
“Hey, babe, I’m home.” I set my keys on the counter and waited for Jackie to say something.
She didn’t respond, but I could hear the muffled sounds from the TV. I walked into the living room and saw her staring at the giant screen and a picture of a burning building on the news. Looked like the media finally got a hold of it, I honestly didn’t feel like watching any of it. I wanted to put that whole thing at the back of my mind. Maybe dinner out would do us some good.
“Hey, babe, just been sitting here watching TV all day on your day off? Want me to take you out and do something?”
She turned toward me, her eyes bloodshot and her cheeks stained with mascara. “That was Ricky’s gym and Twitch was there. He’s dead.”
“What?” I tried to act surprised. Yeah, I knew what happened, Hell I planned the whole thing out to a T. Dad would have shown way less mercy. I was a fucking saint as far as that was concerned.
She nodded. “The news doesn’t even fucking care. Just another fucking crack-head in the ghetto that caused a fire at a gym.”
I raised an eyebrow. What was with people showing sympathy for these gangbangers all of a sudden? “But I thought you didn’t like Twitch. He never did anything at work and he threatened us.”
She sniffled, rolling her eyes. “Just because I don’t like someone doesn’t mean I want them dead. I’m not a fucking animal.”
I sat down on the couch next to her. Just my fucking luck. “But he was an ass to you. I don’t understand why you’re so upset.”
“Because he’s dead, Nick!” she cried. “Another kid that I grew up with is just a casualty of all this gang shit. I can’t confirm it was from the gang, but I know he was in deep with Ricky.” She shook her head. “God, first fucking Emilio and now him. When will this shit stop?”
I put my hand on hers, trying to figure out a way to comfort her. I’d lost people in my life to violence. Hell, I had a cousin that was sitting in the hospital because of the gangbangers, but it just wasn’t the same to me. Twitch wasn’t anything to her. “Maybe it was an accident. Maybe he was just lighting up and hit a gas line or something.”
She shook her head. “No. That’s probably what they want people to think. Set it up to look that way. Twitch wouldn’t be that stupid. He may have smoked a lot but he wasn’t fucking stupid.”
I squeezed her hand. “It’s going to be okay, baby.”
“I just want all this violence to stop. I’m so tired of it.” She sighed, staring out the window.
“I’m sorry.” This wasn’t how it was supposed to go. Everything was supposed to work out in my favor. I should have had everyone eating out of the palm of my hand by now.
She sniffled. “Maybe I should go home for awhile. Take some time.”
“No. Why would you do that?” I needed her there with me. First Coach and now Jackie? What the hell was happening? I grabbed her other hand. I couldn’t let her leave.
She stood up. “I just... I just need some time to think right now, Nicky.”
I stood in front of her. “What the hell’s the matter with you, Jackie? When Emilio died you were fine with it. Fucking happy, even. Then some random crack head who was a fucking douchebag to you dies and you want to get away?”
She locked her eyes on mine sharply. “What the fuck, Nicky? You’re acting like you’re the one that killed Twitch and I should be on my knees thanking you for it.”
“And what if I did, Jackie? Huh? What if it was Twitch that took out my cousin? Then how would you feel if his blood was on my hands? Would you still be crying over the stupid fucker?”
I was breathing hard by the time I was done talking. I was like a rat in a cage. The blood ran hot through my veins. I’d had enough. I’d done what was right for me and my famiglia. For Jackie. For all of us and all I got was people walking out on me. My whole life everything had been fucked up around me and when I’d tried to make it better and own up instead of running Instead, I just got shit on.
Her eyes widened with horror before she let go of my hands, stepping back and covering her mouth. “Oh my fucking god,” she gasped. “You did, didn’t you? You killed him and set the gym on fire. That’s what you were talking to your dad about the other night.”
“Jackie...” All the air I’d been holding in whooshed out of me. I gingerly took her hands. My blood still ran hot and my emotions were all over the place. I’d never hit a woman. Never. I didn’t want to believe I was a monster, but I was my father’s son and I never knew what I was capable of.
She shoved my hands down. “Don’t touch me! Don’t you fucking touch me!” She put her hands on her head. “I can’t believe I didn’t figure it out sooner. I’m dating a mafia prince, of course he would retaliate like this.”
“Jackie, listen to me, I was only doing what I had to do to protect you and my family.” I put my hand on her arm.
She shoved my hand away, clenching her hands at her side. “Protect me? All you’ve tried to do is fight and all that’s done is cause more trouble. Did you go and kill Emilio too just because he hit me?” she yelled.
I involuntarily winced. She gasped, covering her mouth as tears welled up in her eyes. “You didn’t...” she whispered.
I took a step closer but she took two steps back, putting as much space between us as she could. “Jackie you have to understand, he not only threatened you, he threatened me and my family. If I didn’t tell Phil to shoot him then he would have come after us.” I kept my voice soft, trying to offer some comfort, to keep her with me and make her understand.
She shook her head, tears running down her cheeks. “And now Emilio’s dead and Phil’s in the hospital. How did that work out for you?”
I hissed.“I did what I thought was best. I’ve been trying to do that ever since I met you.”
She bit her lip. “Yeah, and that’s why you followed me and hit me with your car?”
“You know how sorry I am for that. I was only trying to protect you from Emilio,” I growled.
“I don’t need you to protect me! I need to be protected from you!” she spat. “You say you don’t want to be like your father, but you’re exactly the same.” She grabbed a vase from a stand. I’d barely even recognized it. It was some crystal piece the decorator put there.
“See this vase?” She held it up above her head.
I raised an eyebrow. “What the fuck does that vase have to do with anything?”
She smirked before slamming the vase down the ground. It shattered in dozens of tiny glass pieces and I had to jump back, making sure the shards of glass didn’t hit me.
“What the fuck, Jackie?”
“Did that vase break?” she said in way too calm of a voice.
“Uh, yeah, that’s pretty fucking obvious.” I put my hands out. “Stay there and I’ll find the vacuum.”
“Apologize to the vase,” she yelled.
“What?” I cocked an eyebrow.
Her face was deadly serious, her eyebrows knitted together.
“You heard me. Apologize to the vase.”
“I wasn’t the one who..”
“Apologize to the fucking vase,” she said through gritted teeth.
“Okay, fine. I’m fucking sorry, vase.”
“Now, is the vase still broken?” She arched an eyebrow.
“Yeah. yeah it is.”
She nodded. “An apology doesn’t fix it, Nicky. Some things are too big to be fixed with ‘I’m sorries’ and new bikes.”
“Jackie...” I stepped carefully around the glass pieces. “I may not be perfect, but I can say that I’m loyal. I’ve always been loyal to you. I always will be. I love you. You know that. Please don’t do this.” Pain. Anger. And something else. Something new. It was genuine fear. Sadness that she was leaving. I’d never cried over a girl walking out of my life, but I couldn�
�t watch someone else walk away from me. Especially not someone I cared about as much as Jackie.
She shook her head slowly. “You’re a fucking monster. You don’t have to worry about protecting me. I don’t need you, Nicky. And I don’t want you.” She stepped backward, grabbing her purse from the counter.
“Jackie!”
“Don’t follow me. I’ll be back to get my things with Haley later, unless you plan on killing her too.” She smirked, but there was no humor on her face.
“That’s not fucking funny,” I growled.
“It wasn’t supposed to be.” She slid her purse over her shoulder and I followed her to the door. “Goodbye, Nick. Don’t call me.”
“Jackie... please don’t go.” I dropped to my knees in front of her. I’d never felt so broken. Everything inside of me was ripping apart and she was the only one who could put it back together. “I need you. I love you so fucking much and I’ll do anything I can to make it right.”
She looked down at me. “I love you too, Nicky.” A single tear rolled down her cheek. “I wish I didn’t, but I do.” She sighed. “But I can’t be with a monster.”
With that she opened the door and walked out, slamming it behind her and leaving me there, on my knees and absolutely heartbroken.
Chapter 21
I called in sick the next day. I wanted to call in sick for the rest of my life. As soon as Jackie left I went to get the vacuum out of the closet and ended up throwing it across the room. I didn’t stop there and tore apart. I kept hitting and destroying until there was nothing left to break.
I was just trying to do what I thought was right—avenging my family and the love of my life. But all that got me was fucking heartbreak. I’d dated other girls before Jackie, but I’d never had this kind of heartbreak when they left me.
And none of them ever called me a monster.
My phone had been ringing all day, but I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I didn’t need to hear congrats from the guys about my latest hit or have my colleagues call and wonder why the fuck I was missing work. I just wanted to be alone. That’s where someone as fucked as me deserved to be. Alone.
“Nicky? Nicholas Fucking Ragusa I know you’re in here! What the hell did you do to this place?” Ang’s voice rang through my condo. I should have never given her a spare key. Fuck.
I pulled the covers over my head, thinking maybe I could just avoid her. No such luck. Her heels clicked on my wooden floor before she ripped the blankets off of me, throwing them on the ground. “Way to answer your phone, you selfish prick!”
“I’m sick, leave me the hell alone.” I turned over, groaning.
“Bullshit.” A searing pain dug into the small of my back and I grabbed onto it, feeling the center of her heel poking into my back. “Fuck, Ang, quit it.” I pushed her heel back and sat up. “What the hell’s the matter with you?”
“Everyone’s been trying to call you and you won’t answer your fucking phone. I even called your fucking girlfriend and she said you two weren’t together anymore, so I figured you were in here moping about her like a little bitch and I’d come get your ass up.” She put her hands on her side. Angeline Ragusa didn’t take any shit from anyone, especially not me.
“Can’t you just let me have some fucking peace? I didn’t give you this much shit every time some douchebag broke your heart in high school.” I tried to turn to my side, but her hands were on my shoulders, forcing me to look at her.
“Nicky, look at me. This isn’t about you right now.” She pinched my shoulders so hard I thought she drew blood.
“Then what the fuck do you want, Ang?”
“Uncle Guido’s dead. He’s fucking dead, Nick,” she cried, the tears spilling from her eyes.
My heart stopped and my breath caught in my throat. Not Uncle Guido. He never did anything. He wouldn’t hurt a fly. It had to be a mistake.
I shook my head. “No. It can’t be.”
She nodded, the tears streaming down her cheeks. “I wish I were lying, Nick. They found him by the dumpsters at the restaurant with a bullet through his head.”
“Fuck,” I whispered, running my hands over my face. “Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.” I clenched my fists at my side. “Did they catch the bastards who did it?”
She shook her head. “Of course not. No one saw anything.”
“This is all my fault.” I shook my head. “I took something of theirs so they did exactly what Dad told me to do to them; took us out right in the heart.” I put my hand to my chest; it felt like my heart was breaking into a million pieces, the pain was so bad. I really was the monster that Jackie said I was.
Ang sat down on the bed next to me, putting her hand on my back. “Hey, don’t say that. This isn’t your fault. You couldn’t have known that any of this was going to happen.”
Tears pricked my eyes and I pushed them away. “I should have known they’d retaliate in a big way. I should have been smarter. I should have planned better.”
Ang pulled me in for a hug, wrapping her arms around me. “Don’t say that, Nicky. You’re not to blame. It’s going to be okay.”
I didn’t have any words. I’d said them all so I just cried. I never cried. It was something that Ragusa men just didn’t do. Even when Nonna died I kept it all inside and went to the gym and beat the living hell out of every sparring partner Coach threw at me. But now I was tired. Tired of being El Principe. Tired of being the monster. I had to redeem myself.
“And...” She sighed. “I also have a message from Dad.” She pulled back. “He wants to see you. I know he has something planned and I hope you aren’t going to give into him. I can’t take any more of this shit, Nick. I don’t want to watch any more of our family members die. I don’t want to lose another cousin or uncle.” She put her hand on my cheek. “And especially not my little brother.”
I put my hand on hers. It finally all made sense. It took losing so many people for me to finally see the monster I became. The monster I never wanted to be. I couldn’t be like the animal and just retaliate and keep losing my famiglia. It had to stop somewhere and the only way to stop that was to finally stand up to my dad. “Okay, Ang. I promise.”
***
One wouldn’t expect a guy to go into the office if his brother-in-law was found dead, but not everybody was Vince Ragusa.
I didn’t even bother saying ‘hi’ to his leggy, blonde secretary, just burst into his office where he was staring at his computer screen. He barely looked up when I approached his enormous oak desk. His office was twice the size of mine and he took advantage of it. He had all of his furniture custom-made to make everyone feel small next to the grandeur and expensiveness of it all. To show that he commanded power.
“Nicky, I thought you were under the weather.”
I stood in front of his desk, my mouth had gone completely dry and I swallowed hard, trying to summon my words. There was something about the guy that still scared the shit out of me and turned me into a sniveling little boy. “Ang told me about Uncle Guido, so I thought I’d better come in.”
“It’s a shame. Your Uncle was a good man.” His dark eyes locked on mine. The fire behind them was dark. Almost demonic. “What is your next move, Nicky?”
I shook my head. “Nothing.”
Dad cocked his head to the side. “What was that, son?”
“I said—”
He stood up, slamming his hands on the table. “Did I hear you say ‘nothing’? When your uncle was shot in cold blood behind the dumpsters at your own family’s restaurant? Your Uncle Guido that has been nothing but a goddamn saint to this family and your fucking godfather? You just want him to die in vain?”
“He won’t die in vain.” I couldn’t even believe the words were coming out my mouth. “When will this shit end, Dad? We just keep killing people. Fighting fire with fire. They keep killing our guys so we kill their’s until there is no one left? That’s not the kind of business I want to run.”
I took a step back and held my arms out. “L
ook at this. All of this that we have. Our whole family is fucking nuts. Mom’s holing herself up and taking pills to hide the pain, Phil’s brain-dead, and now Uncle Guido’s dead and for what? So we can show a bunch of fucking gang bangers that we’re the kings of Chicago?” I shook my head and dropped my arms. “No, I won’t have it.”
Dad shook his head, smirking as he stepped around his desk. “And all of this, this stuff you say that you don’t want. It happened under your watch, didn’t it? While you were fighting your little pussy cage fights and going after your little white trash girlfriend.”
“Don’t say that about her. Or about anything in my life. You’ve never given two shits about me or anything in my life unless I followed your rules,” I growled.
“Because you’ve never had the stugots to follow my footsteps and be a Don. That little stunt you pulled with Phil and Dominic was amateur and you act like you’re fucking king of the world. Please. If you’d handled your shit from the beginning we wouldn’t be in this mess and I’d still have a brother-in-law.”
“Don’t blame his death on me,” I spat.
“Really?” Dad raised his eyebrows. “Not going to own up to your own mistakes now? No wonder Jackie left you.”
I clenched my fists at my side and tightened my jaw. Enough was enough. “I’ve been putting up with this shit for too long. I’ve made plenty of mistakes in my life and I’m so sorry for them. I know that sorry doesn’t bring back Uncle Guido or all the people whose blood is now on my hands. I wish I could bring them all back, but I don’t want this. There will be no more fighting fire with fire. If we keep running things like this, then we’re just going to keep losing more people.”
Dad shook his head. “You sound like your grandfather. You have a fucking hard head, Nicky. What makes you think I’m gonna let you take over with an attitude like that?”
“What other choice do you have?” I raised my eyebrow. The rage that always boiled under my skin turned to something more. Something I wasn’t afraid of. I was finally ready to finally stand up to my father and realize I had to learn to control myself if I ever wanted a chance to be better than him. “It’s in my blood. I’m El Principe. I run this town.”
