“Okay!” Darren said. “Ben is down. He should nap about two hours. There’s a bottle for him in the fridge. Help yourself to anything. I’ll be at Marwood finishing up all the crap piled up on my desk. Call me if you need me!”
Avery looked alarmed. “Are you leaving, Daddy?”
“Yes, Ave. I told you that Macy was coming to play with you.”
“But you have to stay here, Daddy!” She was whining now.
“It’s okay, Avery,” I said. “We’ll have fun. We can draw some awesome snakes!”
Darren gave me a thumbs up. He quickly kissed Avery and then rushed for the door. “Call me if you need me,” he said again. The door closed and I heard the car start up and go.
Avery’s lip quivered.
I prayed she wouldn’t cry. Maybe it was just a quivering lip thing that would go away.
“Come on,” I said. “Let’s get back to the snakes.”
“Daddy!” she wailed and the tears burst out of her eyes. “Daddy!”
She ran so fast, I barely had time to blink. I ran after her as she opened the door, but before she could make it outside, I closed it and turned the top lock.
Holy shit, she ran so fast, she almost got away. What if she’d gotten out into the street? I couldn’t even go there.
I knelt down next to her and put my hands on either side of her face, which was bright red and streaked with tears.
“Avery, it’s okay. Your dad’s only going out for a little bit.”
But the tears and wailing kept coming as we stood there—to the point that I wanted her daddy too. I alternated between confusion about how to handle the situation and heartbreak for her abandonment.
“Avery, come on. Let’s play.” But she wouldn’t stop. The way she was crying, it seemed like it could go on forever. I didn’t want to call Darren only minutes after he’d left. I could handle this. And then I remembered Sebastian’s advice: If crying, insert ice cream. I went to the freezer and scooped some ice cream into a green bowl with tractors on it. I grabbed a spoon and carried the ice cream over to Avery, who was now pressing her nose against the glass of the door, as though the harder she pressed, the more she could will Darren to come back.
“Avery?” I said quietly.
“I just want my daddy. I don’t want you!”
“I know,” I said. “But maybe you want some ice cream?”
“No!” She sniffled again. But then a miracle happened—she turned slowly and peered into the bowl.
“Chocolate is my favorite,” she said, still sniffling but calmer now. “How did you know that?”
“I guessed. It’s my favorite too.” Truthfully, it was the only kind of ice cream in the freezer.
“Okay,” she said, walked over to the table, climbed up on a chair, and waited for me to bring her the bowl. While she ate it, the tears dried on her cheeks. I’d have to thank Sebastian later for his simple, yet genius, plan.
“Macy?” Avery asked, chocolate smeared around her mouth like a beard.
“Yes, Avery?”
“Do you have two dads, too?”
“Nope,” I said. “Just one.”
“Do you have a mommy?”
“Yes.”
“What’s her name?” she asked.
“Deborah. But everyone calls her Deb.”
“Is she pretty?”
“Yes, she’s very pretty,” I said.
“Is she nice?”
“Some people think so.”
“I cry whenever Daddy goes away because I love him so much and he loves me. And I want to be with him all the time,” she explained frankly, licking ice cream from her lips.
“Yeah,” I said. “I feel the same way about my dad.” I had a vague recollection of wanting to be with my mom, too—long, long ago.
“Macy?” Avery asked. I was learning that kids liked that, to say your name to make sure you were listening. It was a smart trick, considering how often adults only pretended to be listening.
“Yes, Avery?”
“I wish all snakes were poisonous snakes,” she said.
“Why?”
“Because I like them better.”
“Cool,” I said. “Well, then, I guess we could pretend all snakes are poisonous.”
“So there could be a boa constrictor with fangs and venom?” she asked, excited.
“Sure, why not?”
And this was how the next hour and a half went. Conversations about snakes and about Avery missing her dad. Avery slithering around on the floor and hissing like a snake. Building a Lego snake. Reading the snake encyclopedia. I was bored to tears, but she was cute, and the stuff she said was pretty funny. At around three o’clock, the baby started to make little googly-goo noises upstairs.
Avery followed me to Ben’s room. When I opened his door, I was greeted with the foulest odor I’d ever encountered.
“Oh, man, that is just wrong,” I said as Ben smiled and reached his arms out for me. I picked him up, turning my head to the side.
“Peee-yew,” Avery said. “Ben made a stinky poop.”
“He sure did,” I said, paralyzed.
“Aren’t you going to change his diaper?” she asked.
“Uh-huh.” I hadn’t even seen a diaper since Gavin was in them.
Sebastian had not prepared me for this. Ice cream wasn’t going to fix this situation.
Avery pointed at a table with a super soft-looking pad on top, so I lay Ben on it. Changing his diaper was like trying to put a sweater on a rabbit—he immediately rolled over until he was on his hands and knees, laughing. When I’d finally finished, I held up the dirty diaper and looked at Avery.
“Garage,” she said.
With one arm, I hoisted up Ben, and with the other, I held the dirty diaper way out in front of me and made a beeline for the garage.
After I washed my hands about twenty times, Ben sat on my lap, pensively drinking his bottle and watching Avery push a tractor around the coffee table. Ben rested his head on my chest. It was all so simple. A happy baby equaled a long nap, a giant shit, and a bottle of milk. A happy kid equaled tractors that go, all kinds of snakes, and someone to listen to her talk. Life was uncomplicated for them—black and white, yes and no, good and bad. For little kids, all problems were solvable. So then what happens later on? When does everything get so complicated?
I breathed in Ben’s sweet baby smell and felt my eyes burn. Nothing would ever be simple for me.
When Ben started to squirm, I put him on the floor to crawl around. I pictured Sebastian’s doodle eye, always watching out for me. And I felt it now. But who was watching out for him? Me? My heartbeat sped up. Was it fear that I was starting to care so much about Sebastian? Or was it that Ben had pulled himself into a standing position and looked like he may topple over at any second? I ran to sit behind him.
At around three thirty, I heard the key in the lock.
“I’m home,” Darren called. “How’d it go?”
“Great,” I said.
“Avery? Hi, I’m home.” Avery was still pushing her tractor, not looking up. Darren picked up Ben, who was reaching for him.
“She had a little trouble after you left,” I said. “So I gave her some ice cream.”
“Perfect. Sorry she was a toughie.”
“It was great—we had fun,” I said. I didn’t want Darren to think I couldn’t handle a four-year-old crying, even though, for a minute there, I had questioned my ability.
“So again on Monday, maybe? I’ll just add it to your paycheck, if that’s okay with you. And tell Deb I—never mind, sweetie. I won’t make you be my messenger.”
He took my chin in his hand and stared into my eyes. “You’re a good girl.”
I rolled my eyes at him. “I’m not seven, Darren.”
“To me, you are, love. And you’re a good person. You always have been. Always. You know that, right?”
I looked at him curiously. “Um, I—why are you saying that?”
“Because, sweetie.
I’m not sure that anyone’s really making sure you know that lately. Oh, shit. That was probably so out of line.”
I gulped.
“You remind me of me at your age,” he said. “I wish someone had just said to me, ‘Darren, you’re a good person.’ That’s it.”
“Okay, well, I guess I’ll see you Monday at camp,” I said, making my way to the door before any tears tried to bubble their way up. “Bye, Avery.”
“Bye,” Avery said, but she didn’t look up from her tractor. Ben goo-gooed.
I heard Darren mutter, “Ah, shit, Darren,” under his breath.
I got in my car. What had Darren meant by that? And why, suddenly, did I seem so transparent to everyone?
I rolled down the windows and drove slowly. It seemed like every house had one of those yellow plastic men out front with a flag, telling cars to SLOW DOWN.
I pulled over and stared at one of those yellow men. Slow down, he was saying to me. Just slow down. I watched the yellow man’s white flag flutter in the breeze. I took a few breaths. And then I started to drive toward the hospital. To Sebastian.
CHAPTER TWELVE
Back in the psych ward, I was starting to feel like a regular. The receptionist greeted me by name, and as I followed Rashanna through the hallway, I felt a certain confidence in my step from knowing where I was going.
I could see Sebastian sitting in the visitors’ room, his long legs stretched out in front of him and crossed at the ankles. He was rubbing his glasses on his T-shirt, focused on the task of cleaning them. He looked up when I got to the door and for that one second, I was able to take in his eyes, naked without the barrier of his glasses. I felt myself heat with the thought.
“So? How did it go?” Sebastian asked, putting the clean glasses back on. I sat across from him in my usual chair. Rashanna smiled, closed the door, and then went into the community room.
“Your advice totally came in handy,” I said. “Though it does nothing for changing diapers.”
He laughed.
“She’s a cute kid,” I said. “She likes snakes and tractors.”
“Well then she and my sister will hate each other. Sofia is all about pink and sparkles.”
I shrugged. “Pink snakes and sparkly tractors?”
“We could make it work,” he said.
“You look really tired,” I said.
“That good, huh? And here I wore my best outfit and everything.” He was in the gray sweatpants with a white T-shirt.
“Just sayin’ …” I said. “It looks like maybe you didn’t sleep well again last night.”
He nodded. “I don’t sleep well here in general. I want to be back in my own bed.”
“When will that be?” I asked.
“Soon. They think I’m almost ready.”
“That’s great news!” Sebastian outside of here. What would that mean for me?
“Mmmhmmm,” he said, closing his eyes. He was quiet, so I stayed quiet too. We were like that for so long, I thought he might have fallen asleep.
“Should I go?” I whispered.
His eyes flew open. “No. I was just thinking.”
“About what?”
“About what I was going to say that day at Rebecca’s. You asked me in your letter, and I never answered.”
I’d forgotten I’d written that, but I did still want to know.
“What was it?”
“I was going to ask you if you still had hope.”
“It was a question?” I asked.
“Don’t sound so disappointed,” he said. “What … did you think I was going to tell you the meaning of life or something?”
He smiled slyly, and I couldn’t help smiling back.
“Or maybe about a new theory of relativity you came up with. Then I could have stolen it, sold it, and become rich and famous.”
He laughed.
“Nope, nothing so monumental as that. I’d just wanted to ask if you considered yourself an optimistic person. And I wanted you to say yes. Because I didn’t consider myself that way. Not at all. But for a minute that night, talking to you, I felt like, this awe-inspiring wave of hope and possibility. Like maybe I wasn’t completely alone. Isn’t it ironic that I felt hope that night? Given that I came here the next day?”
He stared straight out the window, not looking at me.
I tried to catch my breath. How could I have given Sebastian hope when I was fighting to stay afloat myself? But I couldn’t say this to him. I couldn’t crush what little he had, even if the hope he got from me was just an illusion.
He looked at me now, the fluorescent light reflecting off his glasses, but his eyes behind them were dark and powerful.
“I vaguely know that was way too intense to say,” he said. “But this place is like a vacuum where the real world doesn’t exist, so you just lose all sense of what’s appropriate.”
“I think we’re way past that,” I said.
He smiled and nodded.
“Hopeful,” he said. “What do you think?”
“You still want an answer,” I said.
“Well, I’m guessing you aren’t coming up with a new scientific theory. That’s my job apparently. Come on, talk to me about hope.”
“Okay. I think I might be somewhat optimistic. That day, I’m not sure how I would have answered, to be honest. I’m not sure I would have even understood what you meant.”
“But now you do,” he said.
“Yeah, now I do, I think.”
Just then, Rashanna came in.
“Sorry to cut you two short,” she said. “How you feeling?”
“Good,” Sebastian said.
“Like to hear it. Say your good-byes. You have group in fifteen minutes.”
He nodded, not enthusiastically.
The three of us walked into the hallway.
Suddenly, a loud piercing scream came from the community room.
“They’re here! Don’t move!” Through the glass door, we could see Sebastian’s roommate, Luke, screaming at the top of his lungs. He jumped from the window ledge, where he’d been sitting when I came in, to the floor and then he crouched.
Sebastian started to move toward him.
“Don’t move! I said don’t move!” Luke shouted. Sebastian inched backward, reaching out and gently pushing me so I was behind him. Luke’s eyes were crazy, moving around and around all over the place.
Rashanna and the man who’d been standing at the door rushed over to Luke, but he jumped between, frog-like, and landed back on the floor, still in a crouched position. His eyes settled on Sebastian and then on me.
“They’re here,” he whispered loudly. “She’s not who she says she is.” Then he ran toward the doorway. I stood frozen against the wall, Sebastian’s body squarely in front of me.
Rashanna and the other guy ran after him and another nurse came in the door. The three of them grabbed him and lifted him off the ground as he kicked and screamed.
“No! No!” he shouted. “You don’t understand. They’re here to kill us. Unless we stop them. Sebastian! Don’t let them take me! Sebastian!”
The staff quickly took him away, and after a minute, I couldn’t hear his shouts anymore.
The room was silent except for a few of the kids saying “Holy shit” and “Where are they taking him?”
Sebastian turned around and put his hands on my shoulders. I didn’t think my heart would ever slow down, but the weight of his hands soothed me. What had just happened?
Rashanna came back into the room and told everyone to calm down, that everything would be okay. It was time for group, and the therapist would talk about what had happened.
“You guys okay?” Rashanna turned to Sebastian and me and put a hand on each of our backs.
We both nodded.
“Luke’ll be alright,” she said to Sebastian. “You’ll talk in group. Head there now, okay?”
Sebastian tried to smile at me, but it wouldn’t come.
I wanted to say something, to
say the right thing, whatever that was, but now his eyes were empty.
I followed Rashanna down the hall. I didn’t turn back; instinctively, I knew he needed that privacy, that he didn’t want me to see him as shaken by Luke’s outburst as he was.
When we got to the double doors that led to the lobby, Rashanna put her hand on my elbow.
“It’s hard,” she said. “Some days are harder than others.”
“I feel horrible,” I said. “That poster. I never should have brought the poster.”
“If it hadn’t been the poster, it would’ve been something else. Don’t even go there.”
“Is that—can that be bad for Sebastian’s recovery? I mean, Luke is his roommate. I know he cares about him.”
“I’ve got his back, don’t worry.”
“Will you ask him to call me when he can?”
She nodded. “Sure I will.”
She turned and went back inside.
The elevator got down to the lobby, and I pushed my way out to the sun and the fresh air, the surreal feeling familiar from the last two times I’d come. Even though Sebastian said he’d be going home soon, my heart felt heavy in my chest as I walked out, aware that I was now free. Outside. And he was still stuck in there. Inside.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
When I pulled into my driveway, all I could think about was getting to my oak tree to sort out what had just happened at the hospital. And then I gasped. Standing in front of me was Chris.
“What are you doing here?” I asked as I got out of my car, leaving it parked in the driveway.
“Nice,” Chris said. “That’s how you greet your boyfriend?”
“I was just surprised to see you. I thought you didn’t get out until six.” I took his hand but I was annoyed that he was there. I needed to be alone at my oak tree.
“A big case just wrapped up, so my dad sent me home early,” he said. “Where were you?”
“I was babysitting Avery and Ben.” I couldn’t tell him about my visit to the hospital because then I’d have to talk about it, and I just couldn’t. Not now.
“Oh, right. That was today. How was it?”
“Avery totally freaked out when Darren left, but after she calmed down, it wasn’t so bad.” I thought of Sebastian and the ice cream.
The Fix Page 11
