I walked out of McDonald’s as fast as I could and didn’t look back. I got into the car and drove. After a few blocks, I pounded the steering wheel with my fist.
“What the hell am I doing?” I yelled. The sound of my voice bounced around inside the car. All the feelings, the need, the connection, all gone in a few minutes? I wanted to cry for letting someone in that deep. I wanted to cry because I could finally admit to myself that I’d been hoping for something more—even though I didn’t deserve it. But I couldn’t cry. I’d taught myself not to cry a long time ago.
Right before the turn onto Eliza’s road, I pulled over and put the car in park. I took off my seatbelt, rested my hands on the steering wheel, closed my eyes, and took four slow, deep breaths. For years, I’d seen Mom do that to keep herself from falling apart when Gavin and I used to run around the house yelling and causing chaos. I opened my eyes and stretched my neck so I could see my face in the rearview mirror. No tears, no smears, no smudges. All good. I took one more breath, buckled my seatbelt, and pulled back out onto the road.
I turned into Eliza’s driveway. Gavin sat on the front stoop. When he saw me, he pulled out his earbuds.
“Hey,” he said. He gestured toward the house. “I just thought I’d wait out here for you.”
He jumped up and got in the car.
“Did something happen?” I asked as I put the car in gear.
“Not really. Sort of. Yeah,” he said, crossing his arms over his chest and looking out the window. “She kicked me out.”
He looked so pathetic, all long and skinny and grumpy, I couldn’t help laughing.
“It’s not funny!” he said.
“What happened?”
“I don’t want to talk about it,” he said. “But it’s kind of opposite of what you’re thinking.”
“I’m not thinking anything. What am I thinking?” I looked over at him. His face was flushed. “Oh! That you tried to go too far! Like you’re some made-for-TV movie asshole? Not likely, I’m sure.”
He rolled his eyes at me.
“Opposite of that … Oh my god! She wants to hook up and you don’t?” I couldn’t even imagine a fourteen-year-old boy, or a boy of any age for that matter, turning down a chance for a sure-thing hookup.
“I’m not talking about it,” he said.
“You have much to learn about the ways of women, young apprentice. Worry not, my son. For I am here to lead you to the truth.” I used my best Confucius voice.
But Gavin looked seriously wounded.
“Gav? Are you really upset? What’s going on?”
Then he broke. No tears shed, but they were in his voice, which cracked every few words.
“How am I supposed to know what she wants? Or how to even start things? I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. I mean, look at me. I’m a freaking loser. I am not Scotty. Jesus, at my age, he was probably fooling around with every hot girl in his grade.”
I cringed, staring at the road.
“You are nothing like Scott, thank god,” I managed. “But know this: you are awesome and that smart girl Eliza knows it. She wants to be with you, and it doesn’t have to be any more complicated than that. Believe me, she doesn’t know what the fuck she’s doing either. You guys can do whatever you want, as long as it’s okay with both of you.” I paused. “Holy shit. Now I’m in the made-for-TV movie. Am I the preachy mom or the cool big sister?”
“Big sister, hold the cool,” he said.
“A-hole.” I shoved his arm. “You can always talk to Chris.”
“Oh, beautiful. Sex tips from my sister’s boyfriend.”
“And … we’re home,” I said, pulling into the garage.
“If you tell anyone about this, I’ll kill you,” he said.
“Who would I tell?”
He looked at me like I was an idiot.
“Oh, come on,” I said. “Rebecca? It would destroy her. You think I want to clean brains off her bedroom wall? No thanks, bro. It’s our secret.”
“Wow,” he said. “You are really fucked up.”
“It must run in the family.”
As he got out of the car, my phone buzzed with a text. From Sebastian.
“I’ll be right in,” I said to Gavin. He shrugged and went into the house.
SEBASTIAN: That was all wrong, wasn’t it?
Of course Sebastian would text in perfect grammar.
ME: I guess?
SEBASTIAN: It was a lot of pressure. I was really nervous.
I smiled. There he was. Honest Sebastian.
ME: Yeah. Me 2.
SEBASTIAN: I was going to say, before you left, that I wished we had met up somewhere else. Somewhere other than McD’s. It just didn’t seem to fit us. Can we try again? Somewhere else?
Us.
ME: Yes.
SEBASTIAN: Tonight? We can meet in the park.
He was trying to preserve what we had. I had been ready to give up, but he was still trying.
ME: OK.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
I wanted to wear my orange and red tie-dyed tank top to meet Sebastian, but I couldn’t find it and I was going insane. I pulled everything from my drawer, and finally, there it was on the very bottom, hiding under a lime green shirt. It was the same lime green V-neck with lace trim I was wearing when I lost my virginity.
It was fall of sophomore year. A warm September night. Excitement was in the air. A new year. New beginnings. No more being a freshman, no more being lowest on the totem pole. I knew enough to know there was really no such thing as new beginnings, but I was still naive enough to hope I was wrong. I got dressed more carefully for the party that night. I chose the lime green top because I thought it looked girlie and sexy on me, and that’s the look I was going for. I was tired of all the making out, under the bra, hand down the pants. I wanted something real to happen. I almost didn’t care who it was with. My latest hookup had been Jason Capalongino, a junior. He played lacrosse but he was a bench warmer, so he wasn’t quite good enough to be in the jerk-off jock crowd. He had long hair that curled out of his lacrosse helmet at the bottom, so when I’d walk by the field on my way to the bus, I’d always recognize him. After the initial rush I’d gotten from knowing he wanted me, and after that first-kiss euphoria, the rest was just bad kissing and groping. But it was still always worth it for those first moments—the realization that the guy wanted me and the anticipation and moment of the first kiss. In that second, I felt completely pure and cherished and in control. That’s why I kept going back for more of the making out with Jason Capolongino, with Mike Danforth, with Grayson DePenta, with Austin Lee, and all the other guys. But I was ready to have sex. And since Jason was the last guy I’d kissed, he was as good a candidate as any.
When Rebecca and I got to the party that night, Jason was with another girl. I didn’t like Jason enough to really care that he was tongue wrestling with someone else, but I was pissed that my plans were ruined.
Rebecca and I partied hard that night. We did shots of Bacardi and played quarters with the guys from the band when they went on their break. When we finally realized we were a little more wasted than we’d planned, we stumbled out of the party, leaning on each other for support. She was carrying a bottle of beer.
“Hey, drinking in public is illegal, you know,” I had said.
“Underage drinking is illegal too,” she replied. “You don’t see me going all straight edge, do you?” Then she laughed and spit beer out all over the place, including on my lime green top.
“Oops, sorry,” she said, still giggling and trying to wipe off the beer with her hand. She was really just pawing at my boobs. I gave her boob a good honk in return.
“Ow!” she screamed. And then she squeezed mine. And then we cracked up and ran home, practically sideways, laughing the whole way. When we got into her house, we plopped down on opposite ends of the couch with her brother Charlie, who was a senior, in the middle. Jordan and Tony, her other two brothers, had already moved out. Jordan was
at one of the state colleges and Tony was in the army.
“Hey,” Rebecca said to Charlie. “Where were you? I thought you said you were going to the party.”
“Nah,” Charlie said. “Didn’t make it.” He was in his usual uniform of ratty-looking plaid shirt, worn jeans, and hiking boots. “Good party?”
“Yeah,” Rebecca said, grabbing the remote from him and flipping through channels. My head had started to spin so I got a glass of water from the kitchen.
“Jess wasn’t there,” she said to him.
“I don’t care.”
“I know that’s why you didn’t go. And she wasn’t even there.”
Charlie shrugged.
I’d forgotten that Charlie and Jess had just broken up. They’d been going out for three years.
I brought my water back to the couch, took a few sips, and then put it down on the coffee table. Rebecca immediately grabbed it, pounded the rest, and then lay her head down on the cushion. Within minutes, she was breathing slowly and heavily, passed out.
Charlie took the remote off her lap.
“What should we watch?” he asked me.
“Something brainless, I guess. I’m pretty wasted,” I said.
“I’m toast too.”
“By yourself?” I asked.
“Some of the guys were over for a while before they went to the party.”
I was sitting pretty close to Charlie at this point. Rebecca took up a lot of the couch in her sleep, so Charlie had to keep moving over to get away from her curled-up feet. I’d always thought Charlie was cute, but he was never an option. Ever since I’d met Rebecca, he’d been practically married to Jess. I looked at Charlie closely while he tried to find something to watch. He had some scruff on his chin and cheeks. The white T-shirt he wore underneath the plaid shirt had a beer stain on it. His light brown eyes looked tired and sexy. His hair looked not-so-recently washed. The scruffy lumberjack look. I was digging it.
“This is good,” I said as he got to Real World.
“Seriously?”
“Brainless,” I said.
“Right.” And then he noticed me looking at him. Our faces were inches apart. I could smell the beer on his breath. I leaned toward him, feeling that anticipation. Does he want me? And then he kissed me. Yes, he wants me. I deserved good things like this cute guy wanting me. His kiss was hard and sure, and the tingle shot straight to my toes. We started making out and his hand went up my shirt, the lime green one with the lace trim.
“Let’s go to my room,” he whispered, like he suddenly realized that his sister was passed out on the other side of him. I nodded and we went to his room. Within minutes, we were naked and fooling around. And I felt so powerful because he kept saying, “I want you so bad.”
He opened his drawer and got out a condom.
“Is this cool?” he asked. I nodded.
We had sex. It hurt some, it felt sort of good, but mostly it was done. It didn’t last very long, and he apologized afterward.
“Sorry for what?” I asked.
“That I couldn’t last long enough for you to … you know …”
I didn’t think a guy would even notice or care about that.
“It’s okay,” I said. And, maybe next time, I thought. But we both knew there would probably be no next time. He fell asleep almost instantly, his breath hot on my neck. What was it with these Maronis? They were narcoleptics. I got up, gathered my clothes and tiptoed into Rebecca’s room. I put on a T-shirt from her drawer and climbed into her bed. Unlike the Maronis, I couldn’t just fall asleep; instead I lay there thinking. I was no longer a virgin. My body had finally caught up to the rest of me. Thank you, Charlie Maroni. I tried to assess what I felt, what my body felt, which was … pretty much nothing.
Charlie and Jess got back together a few days later. We never hooked up again. But after that, I was free to have sex with anyone who wanted to. And lots of guys wanted to, as it turned out. And then when Chris and I started going out, I tried my best to feel something. Sometimes I could be right there in the moment, feeling how good it was to just be loved by Chris. And then, I’d be back. Just me. Watching us have sex.
Now I held the lime green shirt up against myself in the mirror. It would be a nice look for tonight, but I didn’t want any history interfering with my night with Sebastian. I stuck with the orange and red tie-dyed tank and black gauzy pants. I checked my dreads—perfectly ratty but also perfectly in place. I heard Gavin’s heavy footsteps coming up the stairs and into his room. I expected the door to slam, but it closed somewhat gently. He was making an effort after Mom begged him to stop being so hard on her doors. I added one more touch of mascara.
When I got halfway down the stairs, I heard angry whispers coming from the family room. Mom and Dad were fighting again. I stood still, listening, not wanting to but unable to stop myself.
“Again, Rob?” Mom said.
“I have to,” Dad said.
“Where to this time?”
“San Francisco, Seattle, and then a conference in Phoenix. I’ll be back next Monday.”
“You’re never here. Ever. I’m taking care of everything,” Mom hissed.
“Oh, so you’re taking care of everything, huh? How do you squeeze everything in between the gym and getting your nails done?” Harsh, Dad, even if it’s true.
“Are you fucking kidding me?” I had never heard Mom swear like that before. I wanted to run away, but I needed to hear the rest of Mom’s answer. And, boy did I hear it. I could tell that her teeth were clenched, even through the whispering. “You made me quit my job, remember? I could have been running that place by now. And when all the kids went to school, you still wanted your clients to think you were so good that you didn’t need your wife to work. Nineteen-fifties bullshit. So, what could I do? Goddamn nothing, that’s what. The gym, tennis. This is your doing, Rob. And don’t fucking forget it.”
“Whoa, Deb,” Dad said in an I’ve got to calm this crazy bitch down voice. “I didn’t know you were so miserable.”
“Yes you did. You just didn’t care,” she said. “It’s always like this. You’re never here but then you swoop in, play a little ball with the kids, and they’ll still worship you. And I’m here doing everything, and they treat me like shit. I know you’re trying to escape, and I don’t even know if I care anymore. I’m going back to work.”
“Of course I care. I’m sorry you’re so lonely and trapped here. I think you should go back to work. I’ve always thought that, but the time never seemed right. I guess now it is.”
“Yeah, now,” Mom said, her voice bitter with sarcasm. “Now. In the middle of a recession. It’s a perfect time to find a job. Especially when I’ve been out of the workforce for seventeen years doing nothing but getting my nails done.”
“I’m sorry,” Dad said quietly, sweetly.
“I need you to care,” Mom said, her voice muffled. Probably Dad was hugging her now and she was talking into his shirt.
“Deb, I do. So much.”
Mom breathed a few times.
“Let’s go out,” he said. “You want to go to the movies?”
“Yes, let’s do that,” Mom said.
I waited a few minutes until I thought it was safe to go down. I found Mom and Dad huddled over the counter reading movie reviews.
“I’m going out,” I said.
“Home by twelve,” Mom said automatically.
I nodded, unable to look at her now that I knew how miserable she was. And why.
“Have a good time,” Dad said.
“Thanks.” I closed the door behind me, forcing myself to leave what I’d just heard behind me, especially the part about Dad wanting to escape. Did he really not want to be with Mom—with us? She was right. He was never home much growing up, but when he was, he was totally Fun Dad. Was it all an act? I didn’t want to think about it. So I didn’t.
As soon as I got in my car, I felt a wave of something pass through my body. Excitement, exhilaration? Now that
the initial awkward meeting with Sebastian was over and we were going to start again, I couldn’t wait to get to him. This bubbling feeling was so new, I didn’t know what to do with it. I started driving, rolled down the windows, and screamed. But a happy scream, not like earlier in the day when everything sucked. Now there was promise.
I pulled into Leonard Park. It was deserted at nine o’clock at night. In fact, it was probably illegal to be here at all. My car was the only one in the lot, so I figured I’d gotten there first. But as I walked toward the swings, I saw Sebastian was already there, sitting on one of them, swaying slightly back and forth.
“Hi,” he said as I got closer. A wood chip lodged itself in my sandal, but I didn’t want to stand there shaking my foot to get it out, so I ignored it.
“Hi,” I said. “How did you get here?”
“I walked. It’s not that far.”
But I knew where he lived, and it must have taken him at least forty-five minutes.
I sat on the green swing next to him, gripping the cold, rusty chain. I reached into my sandal and pulled out the chip scraping the arch of my foot. I pushed my feet on the ground, but my legs were too long for the little swing, so I had to put my knees together and splay my feet out. Sebastian’s legs were stretched out in front of him, his heels pushing on the ground. In the distance, behind the sandbox, monkey bars, and jungle gym, I could see the outline of the Rec Center where I’d been forced to play indoor sports in the winter. A vision of six-year-old Chris chasing me around the path on his Batman scooter popped into my head.
The air felt a little damp even though it hadn’t rained. I wished I’d brought a sweater. It was dark, but I could see Sebastian’s features, the white of his teeth, the shine from his wire glasses. He reached over and took my hand from the chain. He squeezed once with his long fingers and then let go.
“I’m glad you came,” he said.
“Me too.”
“I know today was so weird. I just … after everything, and then the whole McDonald’s thing. You know. It didn’t seem quite right for what we have going on,” he said.
I nodded. And then, without permission, my mouth opened and words came out.
The Fix Page 14
