I stepped back in and he closed the door. He walked into the bathroom, so I followed him.
“Come in here. I want to try out something new.”
“Okay.”
Scott locked the door even though no one was home.
“Take those off,” he said, meaning my pants and underwear, so I did, covering myself with my hands.
“Lie down and close your eyes,” he said. I obeyed.
I wriggled a little to get more comfortable, which was hard to do on the bathroom floor, and the top of my head pressed against the base of the toilet.
“Move down,” he said, so I did. The bathroom rug was soft under my naked butt. But my feet were cold where they rested on the tile floor.
“Okay, ready?” he asked.
“Uh-huh.” But I had no idea what I was ready for. All I knew was that I was naked from the waist down, and I felt silly lying there. He knelt on the floor.
“Close your eyes now,” he said.
“They’re closed.”
And then he moved my hands away, and I felt the most amazing thing I’d ever felt in my entire life. Who knew that anything could feel this good? What was he doing? I opened my eyes. His head was between my legs. There had to be something wrong about that. Right? But it felt so good. I closed my eyes again. And I let him do it some more, even though I was pretty sure it was wrong. After a few minutes, he stopped.
“Did you like that?” he asked.
“It was okay.” I didn’t want him to know how good it felt. Maybe that would mean something was wrong with me. Or if I told him I liked it, maybe he wouldn’t do it again.
Just then, we heard the garage door opening. He got up quickly.
“See you later,” he said, grabbing his wallet from the dresser and shoving it in his back pocket.
I lay there for a second, my legs still open, my feet on the cold floor.
“Deb?” I heard him say when he got to the bottom of the stairs. “Can you give me a ride to the train station?”
“Sure, sweetheart,” Mom said. “Where’s Macy?”
“I think she’s in her room.”
“Macy?” Mom called up the stairs. “I’ll be right back. I’m just taking Scotty to the station!”
I heard the mudroom door slam, the garage door open again, and Mom’s car drive away.
I got up slowly and put on my underwear and pants. I wanted him to do it again. There had to be something wrong with me.
I wiped the eyeliner off, climbed into bed fully clothed, and shut my eyes as tight as I could, watching the glowing circles move around underneath my eyelids. And then, for the first time since I was a little girl, I put my thumb in my mouth, trying to forget.
A few minutes later, my phone buzzed.
REBECCA: R u coming??
I was already fifteen minutes late to pick her up.
ME: Leaving now.
I got up and put on giant hoop earrings. Despite everything, I looked halfway decent in my tasseled vest and black tank top. And my hair was getting even more dread-y. I put the front up in a clip. I reapplied the black eyeliner successfully, and it made my eyes look big and intense—in a good way.
Gavin had finished shaving and was watching Minority Report in the family room. His gangly body was draped on the couch, remote in hand. He clicked. Teen Mom. He clicked again. A documentary on surfing.
“Hey,” he said. “Where you going?”
“A party.”
“Where?”
“A guy who graduated a few years ago,” I said. “Where’s Mom?”
“She went to the city. Meeting Scott at Tarantula for some event.”
I rolled my eyes. “Was she all decked out?”
“Is there sand at the beach?”
“Gav,” I said. “Get off the couch. Do something.”
“Okay.” He clicked the remote again. Comedy Central. He was blowing me off.
“See ya,” I said.
“Later.”
When I pulled up in front of her house, Rebecca was on the porch swing—the same one where Sebastian and I had talked that night almost a month earlier.
Rebecca ran down the porch steps, her melon-boobs bouncing in a cleavage-revealing purple tank, her white blond hair spiky, and a flippy skirt to go with the top.
“You look smokin’,” I said as she got into the car.
“Thanks. I do what I can with what I’ve got.” She lifted up her boobs.
“Yeah you do,” I said.
“Cody better like it, or I’m gonna go for Russ.”
“Uh-huh,” I said, my mind back on Sebastian. The feeling of his hand on mine as I bared my soul to him.
“Uh-huh, what? You don’t think he’ll like it or you don’t think I can get Russ?”
“Of course he’ll like it,” I said. “And you can get anyone you want. It has nothing to do with that. I’m just really distracted tonight.”
“What’s going on?” she asked. Rebecca knew my quirks, my need to clutch Fozzie Bear as I fell asleep—she knew it all. But she didn’t know this. And now Sebastian did. I felt like I’d betrayed Rebecca by telling him first, but I couldn’t tell her now. Especially now when she was all vamped up to get action.
“Nothing new,” I lied. “The usual crap with my mom.”
When we got to the party, the long circular driveway was already filled with cars, so I had to park on the road.
I turned off the engine and pulled the rearview mirror toward me to check out my mascara.
“What’s going on with you?” she asked again.
“Nothing, I’m fine.”
“There’s something different about you,” she said. “You’re less, I don’t know, something. Less … cynical?”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” I said. “I’m not cynical.”
“Yes, you are. It’s part of what makes you you. So, what’s different?”
“Nothing!”
“Is it Sebastian?”
“Rebecca, stop. There’s nothing different. I’m distracted. I’ve got shit on my mind.”
“Yeah, shit like how you’re in love with Sebastian,” she said, folding her arms across her chest.
“No, I’m not. Where are you getting this? Why am I on the firing line?”
“Listen,” she said. “I know I’m being repetitive, but I just don’t get it. And I feel bad for Chris. Whatever it is you’re doing, it’s not fair to him. I’m totally on your side, no matter what. I just wanted to get that out there.”
I fought the urge to tell her to mind her own fucking business. I knew that we’d be treading on thin ice if I did that, though, and I wasn’t willing to lose Rebecca. Especially right now when I was on the edge of losing myself—or finding myself—or whatever it was I was doing. So, I took a deep breath and tried to stay calm.
“There’s nothing going on with Sebastian. We’re friends now, real friends. And I know he has a lot of baggage, but I am willing to take it on…. And everything is fine with Chris.”
“See? You are different. The old you would have told me to mind my own fucking business. Who are you, and what have you done with Macy?”
“Maybe I’m maturing,” I said. “The old me sounds like a real bitch.”
“Yeah, but I love her,” she said.
“It’s me. I haven’t gone anywhere.” I opened the car door. “Now get the fuck out of my car and make Cody and Russ duke it out for your tail.”
“There’s my girl.”
We made our way toward the music on the patio out back. There were about thirty people sitting or standing and a few guys by the grill flipping hamburgers and hot dogs. This was what college boys did? Seemed more like thirty-somethings, but I wasn’t complaining. If someone was making burgers, I’d eat them. Suddenly, I realized I was starving. Sebastian and I had never quite gotten around to eating the lunch in his backpack—knapsack—whatever it was. As if on cue, my stomach growled.
“Jesus,” Rebecca said. “I heard that.”
I went t
o the table on the patio and grabbed some potato chips while Rebecca greeted everyone. I smiled through mouthfuls as she re-introduced me to people. I recognized most of them—some were in drama club with Rebecca and Chris; some were people I’d seen around the halls and at parties. Cody stood off in the shadow of a tree with a tall brunette I recognized as the girl who’d played Maria in West Side Story when we were sophomores. Rebecca, who was now catching up with the guys at the grill, hadn’t noticed Cody yet. I stared at him until he finally looked at me. Immediately Cody straightened, looked around, and excused himself from the girl. He nodded as he walked past me toward Rebecca. Good boy. Crisis averted.
My phone buzzed.
SEBASTIAN: Are you okay? I haven’t stopped thinking about today.
ME: I’m ok.
SEBASTIAN: I was right. You are so brave and so strong and so sweet, Macy Lyons. Just like a lion.
A thrilling chill went up my spine. I held my phone to my chest, and suddenly I couldn’t be at this party, around these random people.
I told Rebecca that something I ate hadn’t agreed with me, and I went to my car and drove home. I ran up the stairs, grateful that both Mom’s and Gavin’s doors were closed. I found Sebastian’s lion drawing in my drawer and brought it into bed with me. I fell asleep holding it, the warmth spreading through me.
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
“So? Who’s this guy Sebastian?” Mom asked. She was clearly trying to sound innocent, but it wasn’t working.
“No one,” I said.
“No one,” she said bitterly. “That’s funny. I met a guy named Sebastian the other day right here in this kitchen. He didn’t seem like no one. He had a voice, a face, hair, you know, all the stuff that someone would have.”
I slammed the bread drawer closed and put a piece of thick, nutty zillion-grain bread—white flour was verboten in our house—in the toaster.
“So, does Chris know this no one?” Mom continued.
I sighed loudly. “He’s just a friend.”
“Okay.” She seemed grateful that I’d answered her.
My toast popped up. I buttered it then waited for it to cool.
“You know,” Mom said. “It’s totally understandable that you’d want to play the field. You and Chris—you’ve just known each other so long.”
While Mom always claimed that there was nothing wrong with Chris, I knew from her not-so-subtle comments that she didn’t want me to end up with him. That was one of the reasons why I ended up with him.
“Sebastian seems smart. Sophisticated,” she said. “There’s something about him that struck me. He has an old soul. I like him.”
No. Mom could not like Sebastian. I refused to allow her to taint him with her approval.
“I think he would be good for you.”
There we go. That was it. I snapped.
“Since when do you care what’s good for me?” I asked, gritting my teeth.
Mom stepped back in surprise.
“Of course I do. I’m your mother.”
“Hardly,” I said. I grabbed my half-eaten toast and started upstairs to my room. Just let her try to tell me not to eat upstairs. I’d said it. Would she even know what I meant? What kind of mother turns her back on her daughter when she most needs her—and then tries to assert her “motherness” when it’s convenient for her? How could she “see” something in Sebastian, but not even notice her own daughter?
Plus, Mom didn’t know the whole story. If she knew about Sebastian’s violent past, she wouldn’t say he was good for me. She would do everything in her power to keep him away from me. Ironic, considering she did nothing to keep Scott away from me.
I fumed. I looked in the mirror while I covered my head with a green bandana and tied it underneath my hair, letting the thicker dreads hang out the back and pulling some smaller ones out of the front. My face was set in anger. I looked more closely, and I could see it in my eyes. I was tired of being angry. I wanted to be released.
I took off my robe and put on shorts, my Marwood counselor T-shirt, and socks with giant yellow smiley faces on them. The irony made me laugh a little.
“What’s funny?” Gavin said, making me jump.
“Jesus. You scared the shit out of me,” I said.
“Your door was open.”
“Why are you up so early?” I asked.
“No reason.”
“Just come with me to Marwood. Bring your laptop and sit by the pool,” I said.
“Fine.” He sighed like it was some great hardship when I could tell he’d wanted me to ask him to come.
We went downstairs.
“Morning,” Mom said as she poured herself another cup of coffee. Her exercise outfit today had a cutout daisy on her left hip and you could see her bare skin through it. If all the women weren’t wearing the same thing, I’d say she looked like a midlife housewife slut. But then again, just because they were all wearing it didn’t mean they weren’t all sluts.
“Hi,” Gavin said, heading for the garage door. “I’m going to Marwood with Macy.”
“That’s nice, sweetie. I’ll see you there,” she said, turning back to the newspaper on the counter. Mom always stood in that exact spot at the kitchen counter. She never sat down to drink her coffee and read the paper.
“Wait!” she said, just as we reached the door. “Gavin, you have to eat something.”
“I’m not hungry, Mom. I’ll eat something at the Club later.” She grabbed a banana from the fruit basket and tossed it to him. It hit him on the knee and fell on the floor.
“Ouch?” Gavin said. He picked up the banana and put it in his pocket.
“Keep that in there so the boobsie twins see it and wonder,” I whispered to Gavin. He laughed out loud. Mom looked hurt, like I’d been whispering about her, and I decided to let her think that.
I pushed Gavin out the door toward my car.
“What was all the yelling before?” Gavin asked when we were in the car.
“The usual. Mom likes to tell me who my friends and boyfriends should be. And I don’t like Mom to tell me who my friends and boyfriends should be.”
“She’s giving you shit about Chris again?”
“Sort of. I don’t know. None of it’s any of her business,” I said.
“So …” he said, hesitantly.
“So, what?”
“So this guy Maynard told Eliza he saw you with some guy who wasn’t Chris. At the diner. Who was it?”
“Who the hell is Maynard and why does he know me? And who the fuck names their kid Maynard?”
Shit. Would Chris care if he heard?
“I don’t know,” he said. “Another dork in my grade.”
“You are not a dork. And even if you were, there’s nothing wrong with that. Maynard, on the other hand, well, he just deserves to be a dork, doesn’t he? With a name like that.”
“Seriously, Macy. Are you cheating on Chris?” He pouted as though I were cheating on him.
“No! Not that it’s any of your business, but no. I was at the diner with a friend. I went running with him.”
“Okay,” he said. “Now I know you’re lying. Just don’t try to tell Chris that when he finds out. It will totally blow your cover.”
“I swear. We went jogging by the reservoir. And I actually liked it. If you tell Mom, I will tell her about certain blogs you frequent.” His neck turned ruby red. “Do a better job of clearing your history, dude. And sorry about your hat.”
“Wait a second. That was your sweat? I thought Mom washed it and left it in my room to dry. That is revolting, you know that?”
I stifled a laugh. “Sorry.”
“Who is he?” His tone was accusatory.
“Sebastian Ruiz. We’ve gotten to be friends.”
“Why?”
“What do you mean, why?”
“Why are you hanging out alone with a guy who’s not Chris?”
“Gavin,” I said, slowing for a red light. “What is your problem? You hang out with
Eliza all the time and she’s not your girlfriend.”
“But I want her to be,” he said quietly. Suddenly I felt horrible. I was guilty as charged.
“I don’t know,” I said. “But for some reason, I am compelled to hang out with him, okay?”
“It’s green,” he said. We drove the rest of the way in silence. When I pulled into a parking spot at Marwood, I turned to him.
“Gavin, he’s just a friend.”
“I don’t believe you.”
“Do you realize how ridiculous this conversation is? Chris knows that Sebastian and I are friends, and you sound like a jealous boyfriend.”
“Well. I think you’re taking advantage of Chris.”
“Whoa,” I said, leaning back in my seat. “Them’s fightin’ words.”
“Screw you,” he said, getting out of the car. “I’ll get Mom to take me home.” And he stormed off. I gritted my teeth, tried to push it down. The only thing that made me feel better was the thought of seeing Sebastian.
I pulled out my phone and texted him.
ME: Just startng work. What r u up 2 today?
I walked slowly toward the Club, waiting for him to text back. He was probably asleep. When I saw Darren with Avery, I put my phone on silent and slipped it into my back pocket. Counselors were not allowed to use phones during camp hours.
Avery ran to me.
“Macy, I like the green thing on your hair. It’s pretty. Papa said when I’m six I can get a snake!”
“That’s awesome!” I said, rubbing the top of her head.
Darren scrunched up his nose. “Yes, well, Papa said that without asking Daddy if he agreed. Luckily he gave me two years to pray she forgets.”
“Come on,” I said to him. “Who wouldn’t want a mouse-eating slimy reptile in their living room?”
I shuffled the kids toward the indoor tennis court, where I met up with Rebecca.
“So, how was everything with Cody?” I asked.
“Good, I think. I don’t know. I saw him checking out Melinda Hayes a lot. Remember her? She played Maria in West Side Story when we were sophomores?”
“But you were with him all night, right?”
“Yeah. But even when we’re together, sometimes I feel like he’s not with me.”
I wondered if Chris ever felt that way with me.
The Fix Page 20
