by K E Osborn
“You okay?” Chad asks.
“Can you turn on the light, please?” I ask and Chad flicks on the side light.
I pull back the covers and notice blood stains on my pyjama bottoms between my legs.
“Shit Ella,” Chad says as my heart leaps into my throat.
“Chad…” I murmur.
“It’s okay, I’ll get help,” he says rushing out of the bed and over to his pants. He pulls out his phone and dials. I start to breathe heavy while my heart races. My stomach cramps again and I moan as pain grips me hard. Chad’s talking with someone and putting on his clothes at the same time. I zone out as I’m lost in the discomfort of my tummy cramps.
“Okay, I rang the medic and they said to take you straight to the hospital,” Chad says and I tense up.
“Is it the baby?” I ask and he nods.
I slide out of the bed with his help. “Want me to get your mum?”
“No. Please, I just need you,” I say and he nods and wraps his arm around me and dials another number on his phone.
“Mike, yeah, I need a car to take Ella to the hospital…Yes, I’ll meet you in the foyer,” Chad says and hangs up the phone as he walks me to the door and another cramp hits. I bend over in pain and Chad winces.
“Fuck!” He bends down lifting me cradling me to his chest. “I got you,” he says.
I open the door for him and he walks me to the elevator. Pushing the button, he continues to hold and looks at me like he’s beyond concerned.
“Are you in a lot of pain?” he asks and I exhale.
“It’s not too bad, more uncomfortable,” I say and he nods as the elevator opens.
We arrive at the foyer and Mike is waiting with a car. They drive us to the nearest hospital and into the emergency ward, all the while my heart is racing and I’m sweating a cold sweat. I’m even shivering as the bleeding intensifies.
“Chad, what if the baby is sick?” I ask as the nurse places me on a gurney.
“It’ll be okay, Ella, just relax,” he says stroking my hair.
The nurses in the emergency ward rush around asking lots of questions. I’m dazed and confused and all I can really tell them is I’m pregnant and I don’t know anything more than that. Chad and Mike are with me the whole time while they carry out more testing. Eventually, a doctor comes in and Chad is holding my hand while the doctor talks to me. I don’t really understand anything he’s saying until Chad tightens his hand in mine.
“I’m sorry, Ella, you had a miscarriage,” he says and I definitely understand those words.
I inhale sharply and my heart lurches into my throat. My eyes fill with tears and my stomach churns. “I lost the baby?” I ask ensuring I heard correctly.
The doctor nods. “I’m sorry, yes. We need to take you into surgery for a dilation and curettage, I’m afraid,” he says and I freeze over and swallow hard.
“But I’m only about three weeks pregnant, the baby would only be small wouldn’t it just come out on its own?” I ask and the doctor shakes his head.
“I’m afraid you’re further along than you think. The fetus measured at approximately seven to eight weeks,” he replies.
That puts it back to the time when Danger was in London before the tour even started. I’ve been pregnant for nearly two months and I’ve been drinking and eating poorly.
This baby didn’t stand a chance.
I begin to cry as Chad holds my hand tighter.
“I’m sorry, Ella, we’ll take you in for your D&C soon,” the doctor tells me and walks away.
I look at Chad and shake my head as he wipes away the tears from under my eyes.
“Hey, don’t beat yourself up,” he says.
“This baby, I killed it. I drank. I ate bad. It never had a chance, Chad,” I say.
“Stop that, you didn’t know. You didn’t kill it, Ella. Don’t you dare blame yourself for this? It was just a horrible thing that’s happened, and it’s not your fault,” he says leaning down and kissing my forehead. “Okay, would you like me to call Annie or your parents?”
“No way, I don’t want anyone to know,” I say and he raises an eyebrow.
“What? At all?”
“They’d be so disappointed in me and I couldn’t stand that. Chad this has to be our secret, okay?” I ask and he exhales and squeezes his eyebrows tightly together.
“Ella, I really think your mum should at least know.”
“No Chad. Please, just us,” I say and he exhales and nods.
“Okay…” he says trailing off.
“We’ll take you in now, Ella,” the nurse says and I tense up as fear creeps over me.
“You’ll be here when I get back, right?” I ask Chad.
He nods and smiles. “I wouldn’t be anywhere else, barbecue sauce,” he says making me giggle.
After a couple of hours in recovery, I was released from the hospital. Chad had been busy while I was having my procedure and made reservations at a different hotel for us to stay. He figured if I didn’t want my parents to know then them seeing me would be a dead giveaway that something was up. Mike took me and Chad to the new hotel and Chad walks with me slowly to our bedroom. I grab a fresh set of pyjamas that Mike bought for me and Chad helps me into the bathroom.
“Are you going to be okay in here by yourself?” he asks and I nod.
“I’m fine. I’ll just have a quick shower and then I’ll come to bed.”
“Well, I’ll be right here if you need me. Yell, and I’ll come straight in. I promise not to look at you,” he says and I smile.
“Thanks, Chad.”
He walks out of the room and closes the door and I remove my bloodstained pyjamas and place them on the basin. I look at my naked body in the mirror and at my slightly swollen belly. I shake my head and tie my hair up so it won’t get wet. Turning on the shower, I step in and let the rivulets of hot water soak into my frozen skin. I rest my head against the wall and let the water cascade down my back watching as the water turns red down the drain hole, washing away the blood from my miscarriage from the baby I’ve lost.
My eyes well with tears as my bottom lip trembles and I start to cry. My heart races and my stomach falters, dry retching as I begin to sob. I bring my hands up to my face as I feel the emotion of what’s happened to me over the past few hours. Of the tremendous loss I’ve suffered.
I didn’t want the baby, but I didn’t want it to die either. My knees give way as I start to gasp for air through my sobs and I can’t stop the noises I’m making. I’m losing the plot, and as I watch the blood flow down the drain, I feel like my sanity is flowing away with it. I ring my hands through my hair as I rock back and forth. The door to the bathroom opens and Chad walks in. I look up at him and he winces and rushes to me.
“Oh Ella, it’s not your fault,” he says walking fully dressed into the shower with me and pulling me to him. He cradles me to his chest as I cling to him and cry into his shoulder.
“Let it out, sweetness, let all your grief out,” he says as the water rains over us both.
We stay on the shower floor for a little while as he holds me while I cry. Eventually, he stands up pulling me to stand and then he washes my body very attentively. I don’t even care that I’m naked in front of him. He’s taking care of me and there’s nothing sexual in this moment at all. He's just here for me.
We step out of the shower, his white top is clinging to him showing off every perfectly sculptured muscle. He pulls it off over his head, and then undoes his jeans and pulls them down, but he leaves his boxers on even though they are drenched and clinging to him in every way.
He grabs a towel for each of us and we dry ourselves in silence. My tears have subsided and it seems the breakdown I had in the shower was inevitable. Now I just feel numb. We make our way to the bedroom, and I dress in a fresh set of pyjamas and Chad changes into some boxers. Thank God for Mike, collecting the items we need.
“You don’t have to stay if you don’t want to,” I say knowing that this is
a lot for someone to take on.
He pulls back the sheets and slides in. “Are you kidding me. I’m not going anywhere, Ella. You’re stuck with me whether you like it or not,” he says and I half smile and slip into bed next to him. Shuffling across to Chad, I cuddle into his side. He wraps his arm around me and kisses the top of my head.
“It wasn’t your fault, you know,” he whispers and I bite my bottom lip. “And no matter what Ella, I’m always here for you,” he says.
I don’t know what I would’ve done without Chad tonight. He’s truly been my rock and I couldn’t have gotten through this without him. Now, I just have to try and get over it as best I can otherwise people will know something’s wrong. I can’t have Mum and Dad finding out, and I certainly don’t want Danger finding out either. There’s no point. I close my eyes and cuddle into Chad as much as humanly possible. I need to be comforted right now, and as I feel unconsciousness calling me I feel safe in the arms of Chad.
Slowly waking up, I’m cuddled tightly into Chad’s side. I’m a little sore and exhausted, and as I look up, I notice Chad’s awake and looking down at me.
“Morning beautiful,” he whispers softly bringing his hand up to caress my cheek.
“Morning. How long have you been awake?”
“A while, I was just watching you sleep. I wanted to make sure you were okay.”
“I’m fine. I feel weird, though. Empty. Does that sound strange?”
“No, not at all.”
I swallow hard and look away bringing my hand up to rest on his chest. “When I found out I was pregnant, I didn’t want the baby. I feel guilty because I didn’t want it, and now it’s gone because of me. I must’ve killed it somehow, Chad” I say and he grabs my cheeks and pulls me to look at him.
“Ella, you didn’t kill it. The doctor said with the stress you were under and other factors it just wasn’t meant to be. There was nothing you could’ve done. Please don’t do this to yourself.”
“You really think I didn’t subconsciously do it?” I ask and he shakes his head looking right in my eyes.
“Ella, that’s not even possible. This baby just simply wasn’t meant to be here. The timing wasn’t right,” he says and I nod.
“It is better this way,” I say.
“You should tell Danger, though,” he says and I tense up.
“No way! We’re breaking up. What good would it do?” My eyes start to well with tears and Chad nods wiping a stray tear from under my eye.
“Okay! So no one knows, but we should cancel the upcoming concert. You need to rest—”
“But what would we tell people? No! Everything needs to be as normal as it can be. I need to spend today wallowing, and then tomorrow I will have to act like everything’s fine. I have to pull myself together and get on with life. Why dwell on a negative experience? It’s done now,” I say and Chad exhales.
“You’re allowed to grieve, Ella,” he says and I nod and blink my eyes letting the tears fall over.
“And I am, for today, then I need to pretend like I’m fine. No one can know, Chad. Especially not Danger,” I say and he exhales shaking his head slightly but he then confirms my request. I cuddle into him further and he holds onto me tightly letting me know he’s here for me. I think back to this morning in the shower when he saw me naked and I’m a little embarrassed by it, but I don’t bring it up. It was nice of him to be there to support me.
“Hey, what did you tell Mum?” I ask and he smiles.
“That I was taking you to see the Grand Canyon. That’s what she thinks I’ve taken you away for anyway,” he says.
Being here in this hotel and resting in his arms is exactly what I need. We spend the day in the hotel room together, and he tells me jokes and generally keeps me entertained and in high spirits. I’m sad, of course. I’m tired and sore, but I’m not devastated and thoroughly depressed like I was this morning. Chad has done his job well. We order room service, but I’m just not all that hungry even though he forces me to eat. We spend the night in bed again, watching movies and cuddling. Chad is continuously kissing my head and stroking my skin. It feels like we’re a couple, but I don’t get lost in the emotions. I’m just trying to deal with life right now, I don’t need to be thinking about my love life as well.
I haven’t heard from Danger at all, and I guess I’m not surprised. We’re not a couple anymore, so why would he call me? And anyway, he’s at his sister’s wedding so he’s probably too busy fucking the bridesmaids to worry about me. I cringe at the thought as I cuddle into Chad further.
The next morning Chad is getting dressed as I make my way out of the bathroom taking my antibiotic. I’m still sore, but resting has done me the world of good. I’m so glad we’ve had this time away from my family because they would have known for sure that something was up if I’d stayed in the hotel with them. Chad was smart thinking about taking me to another hotel. It is a shame I didn’t get to go to the Grand Canyon, though, and I’m not sure how we’re going to explain not having any photos but I’m sure we’ll think of something.
“So I was thinking,” Chad says as I walk back in.
“Mmm,” I say sitting down.
“When we go back we should say you fell down a hiking track and landed on a rock on your stomach, and you’re a bit tender so you need to take it easy,” he says and I half smile.
“How long did it take you to come up with that?” I ask.
“All night,” he says.
I stand up walking over to him and embracing him tightly. “You’re a genius.”
“I try. I really think you should sit the first concert out, but I know you won’t. So at least if we tell people you were hurt then you can take it easy if you know what I mean?”
“Yeah, I think that's an excellent idea. When do we have to go back?”
“Not till tomorrow. We have one more night of just us and cuddles to attend to, and you Miss have been up for too long. Go back to bed, please,” he says and I smile and nod.
“Yes sir,” I reply and walk over to the bed and climb back in. He really has taken great care of me, and I’m so glad that Danger’s sister’s wedding happened right now and we had a break from the tour, because if we didn’t I don’t know how I would have managed this, let alone explained it.
We spend the night cuddled together and even though I’m tired and still a little sore, I’m feeling better. The rest is doing me good and having no stress is great.
Mum has called a couple of times and I had to lie by pretending I’d been out sightseeing all day. I told her about my ‘fall’ and that I hurt my stomach and went to the doctor, and that I had some deep tissue bruising. I didn’t know if that was a thing or not, but it sounded good and Mum bought it. She said she’d tell Dad, and that when I got back I would need to take it easy. So that made me feel better.
Being with Chad these past couple of days has shown me that he’d do anything for me. That kind of loyalty is hard to find and to be honest, I couldn’t have gotten through any of this without him. He’s been my strength through this whole ordeal, and I just wish that I was in the right head space to look at things differently. Chad’s always there for me no matter how I treat him, he cares about me so much and I love the way our bodies fit together when we cuddle. It’s like I fit him perfectly.
To be honest, I wish we could stay here in our own hotel room for a little while longer. Going back on tour means going back to the stressors of Danger and life on the road. I don’t want to do that. The past couple of days has been hassle free. Sure, the reason I’m here was a big deal, but being here was easy. Being with Chad is effortless, and even though these past days haven’t been sexualised in any way, the pull and the connection is there. I know it is.
Chad’s respecting my boundaries and the headspace I’m in right now. I just lost a baby to a man who’s practically broken my heart, and that thought alone doesn’t make me want to jump into another relationship and Chad knows that.
Mike collects us in the m
orning and drives us to the original hotel and back to the rock star life. I’ve had three days to recover since I lost the baby. I feel better in myself too. I know I didn’t kill my child. How could I, possibly? However, I still feel guilty for not wanting it in the first place, but I guess I’ll get over that with some time. Chad comes with me back to my hotel room.
“Now are you sure you want to perform tonight?” he asks as we walk over to the lounge suite.
“Yes. I need to let people know I'm okay. I only fell on a rock remember,” I say and he exhales and shakes his head.
“I think you should still be resting. It’s only been three days, Ella. The doctor said forty-eight to seventy-two hours of solid rest and then to take it easy. Rocking it out on stage is not taking it easy,” he says and I tilt my head.
“Three days is seventy-two hours and I had substantial rest. I promise while I’m on stage I won’t jump around; I won’t headbang; I won’t dance; I’ll just play my guitar and that’s all. I’ll be right in front of you, you can watch me the entire time,” I say and he exhales.
“What if you sat down? I think you should be on a chair for the show. That would make me feel better,” he says and I let out a small laugh and take his hand.
“Chad, I can’t do that. We can have a chair on the side of the stage and if I feel weak then we can bring it on, but I’ll play standing first and go from there,” I say and he nods and brings my hand up to his mouth and kisses the back of it tenderly.
“I just want you to be okay. You know that, right?”
“I do. Thank you so much for everything. Especially for the past few days. You’ve been unbelievable, and I can’t even begin to thank you enough,” I say and he smiles and pulls me to him for an embrace.
Suddenly, there’s a knock on my door. I look toward it and raise an eyebrow. Standing up, I make my way to the door as Chad stands up walking toward the chocolate stash. I open the door and Danger is there…in my doorway. My chest constricts and goes tight when I see him. I think back to the pain of losing his baby and my eyes well with tears as my heart starts to race.
