Find Me

by Laurelin Paige

  “Are we ready?” The tech asked, not waiting for answer before she squirted a cold bluish gel on my stomach. “This is a conductive medium that helps the transducer receive the sound waves through the skin.”

  She placed the ultrasound wand—the transducer—on my belly and immediately the screen filled with white and black and gray static. Or, at least, that’s what I saw. Then the tech moved the instrument around and a black lima-bean-shaped bubble appeared. Inside that, looking a bit like something out of an alien movie, was the distinct image of a face.

  I gasped.

  “There’s your baby!” Dr. Wright exclaimed. “She or he is cooperating with us. It’s like she or he is posing for the camera.”

  The tech maintained her position, and it was unmistakable, even to an untrained eye, that we were seeing a miniature human being. I could make out its mouth, its nose. Its eyes. An arm lay across its forehead, and below that was another white circle—the baby’s torso, I guessed. And inside there, the small black pulsing shape of what could only be its heart.

  JC’s grip on my hand tightened. “Oh my God,” he whispered, his voice full of awe.

  Oh. My. God.

  Actually seeing it, this creature, this product of the love JC and I had for each other…I was flabbergasted. I couldn’t think of this as a foreign object any longer. Now it was very much a child—my child. Our child.

  “But…that’s a baby!” I knew I sounded ridiculous—what else would it be? I’d just expected it to look…different. Not real. Not so…formed. “Isn’t it supposed to look like a jellybean or a peapod?”

  Dr. Wright chuckled. “It does at first. You’re further along than we expected.”

  “Like how far?” How the hell had I been living with that—that baby—inside me and not known it?

  And how did I ever think that it would be something that I wouldn’t want? Because now, having seen it squirm and flip around, having seen the beat of its heart and the fishlike movement of its mouth—I was very much attached.

  “We need to wait for the tech to finish her measurements, but I’m going to guess that we’re too far along to remove the device. Nancy,” she leaned into the technician, “can you focus on that flash of white above the legs.”

  Nancy moved the transducer, pressing harder on my belly.

  “Yep. Right there.” Dr. Wright looked back to me. “That strip above the baby is your IUD. The bad news is that we definitely can’t remove it. The good news is that it’s definitely wedged between the amniotic sac and the placenta. You can see the placenta is starting to grow around it.”

  I couldn’t see anything of the sort, but I took her word for it.

  “Usually what we worry about with an IUD is that the sharp edges will pierce the amniotic sac, but since the placenta is there, and the baby is firmly implanted in your uterus, I’m not that concerned about it. We’ll still want to have an ultrasound once a month to watch it. If all goes as it should, we’ll get the device out at birth.”

  “Then the risk of miscarriage…?” JC asked tentatively.

  “I’d say it’s about normal for anyone in the second trimester. Unless the device dislodges, but it really doesn’t look like it’s going anywhere.”

  I hadn’t wanted anything bad to happen, but I hadn’t realized how relieved I’d feel to hear that nothing likely would. Tears gathered in my vision.

  JC met my gaze with glossy eyes. “This is good. This is good, Gwen.”

  “It’s excellent,” Dr. Wright concurred. “The heart rate is 161, which is excellent. The sac looks great. And you’re measuring at,” she waited until the technician finished drawing her lines on the screen. “Fourteen weeks, one day. That puts your due date at March twentieth.”

  A spring baby. Wasn’t that absolutely perfect?

  Except…

  “Fourteen weeks? When does that mean I conceived?” I didn’t know what fourteen weeks ago was without a calendar in front of me, but I was pretty sure it had to be June.

  And I hadn’t slept with JC until July.

  “Since most people don’t know the exact day they conceived, pregnancy is dated from the day of the mother’s last period. It’s funny, I know, but that means we consider you two weeks pregnant at the time of conception.”

  I let out a sigh. “Good. That’s better.”

  Dr. Wright adjusted the wheel of her calendar tool. “Looks like your estimated conception date was June twenty-eighth.”

  June. Still June.

  I was speechless as the life that I’d begun to build up in my mind threatened to crash down around me.

  No. Not June. It couldn’t have been June. There was no way this was Chandler’s baby.

  JC remembered the timing of our reunion, too. “It’s not mine,” he said quietly.

  I shook my head, adamant. “It is yours. I know it.”

  “I’m sorry,” Dr. Wright said, understanding the situation. “I didn’t realize.” She turned to Nancy. “You can go. I’ll finish up here.”

  I sensed she’d sent the technician away to protect the awkward nature of our discussion. I appreciated it.

  But I didn’t wait for Nancy to shut the door before turning to JC. “We used condoms. You’re the only one that I didn’t use additional protection with.”

  “No method of birth control is one hundred percent effective,” Dr. Wright reminded us.

  Uh, obviously. Since I had an IUD and was still very much pregnant.

  “Isn’t it more likely that I conceived when I wasn’t using a condom too?” I didn’t wait for her answer, which I presumed would be canned. “It can’t be right.” I tried to recall what was going on back then. When I’d last been with Chandler. “JC, do you remember the day that I came to court? What day was that?”

  “Uh.” He thought for a moment. “The twenty-third. I think.”

  “Yes!” I exclaimed. “Then this can’t be right. I’d broken up with Chandler before that. And that’s before the twenty-eighth.” I turned back to Dr. Wright. “I didn’t have sex that week. With anyone. These measurements can be off, right? Is it possible that I really got pregnant on July fourth? Or fifth?”

  “Ultrasounds are slightly less accurate in the second trimester. It’s generally not off more than a week at this point.” Dr. Wright spun the dial of the calendar. “So it does seem that July fourth would be a possible conception date.”

  “See?” I looked at JC, pleadingly. “It’s yours. It has to be yours.”

  “The dating can also be off in the other direction,” Dr. Wright said. “Which would put you at June twenty-first.”

  “And that’s…” I trailed off. I had broken up with Chandler before the day I went to court, but it had only been a couple of days before. I felt the blood drain from my face. My heart sank lower, lower, and I couldn’t look at the image of the baby on the screen any longer. Couldn’t look anywhere but straight ahead at the plain white wall of the room. Go cold, I thought instinctively. Be numb.

  JC understood without me saying anything. “Dr. Wright, is there a way to get a paternity test during pregnancy?”

  He was the one who should be upset, yet he was the one keeping it together.

  “There are a couple of ways we can find out paternity. The traditional way is an amniocentesis. I don’t recommend that. There’s no other health data suggesting we need that test, and it’s invasive and there’s a slight chance for a miscarriage. There’s a newer test that analyzes the fetal matter in the mother’s blood. It would just be a blood sample needed from all the parties involved. Is it only two possible fathers?” Dr. Wright looked toward me questioningly.

  The part that killed me, though, was that JC looked as well.

  “Yes. Only two possible fathers,” I said weakly. At another time, I might have felt offended by the question. But I was too heartbroken. JC had every right to assume there may have been other men besides Chandler. He’d never asked, and I’d never offered. Yet it still felt like a blow that he hadn’t automatical
ly known that I would have already told him.

  “I can order the draw from the lab downstairs. As soon as all the samples are collected, the data will be sent out. Results should be back in five to seven business days.”

  In other words, we might know next Friday, two days before our wedding. Or we might not find out until the day after we’d tied the knot.

  Bile gathered in my throat as I wondered if JC would want to postpone.

  “Thank you,” he said to her. “If there’s any way we can speed it up, it would be better.” He’d done the math too. He wanted the results before the wedding as well. How could he not? “Do we need to have the other possible father’s blood drawn as well? Since there are only two of us, shouldn’t just mine be enough?”

  I hadn’t even thought about involving Chandler. Of course, I was trying not to think at all.

  “It would provide the most conclusive results to have it, yes,” Dr. Wright said. “If contacting him is not a possibility, then they can go with just the one. I do recommend you get his as well if you can.”

  I looked at JC, but he didn’t meet my gaze.

  “I’ll send the nurse in with the lab request. Do you have any other questions for me before I step out?” She addressed it to me, but I’d checked out.

  Once again, JC was the responsible party. “Are there any restrictions on activity?”

  “Not many. No skiing, saunas, hot tubs, or contact sports. Otherwise Gwen should be able to continue her daily routine.”

  “What about sex?”

  At another time, I would have been embarrassed and secretly grateful that he’d asked. Now, I felt nothing.

  Dr. Wright smiled knowingly. “No restrictions there either.”

  “That’s all I got. Gwen?”

  I shook my head numbly.

  “Great. Both baby and mother look healthy. I’ll want to see you in four weeks for another exam and ultrasound. The nurse will bring you paperwork for the paternity test when she comes in to take your blood.”

  The minute she left, JC stood and put both hands on mine. “The baby’s healthy, Gwen. You’re healthy. And whatever else doesn’t matter. I’m going to love it just like I love you. Because it’s half you. How could I not love that?”

  They were the words I’d said to him the night before. I recognized that they should touch me. I was just too numb for them to move me like they should.

  “You’re both healthy,” he said again. “It’s all that matters.”

  I nodded, but I didn’t believe him. Our health wasn’t all that mattered. I wanted this baby if it belonged to JC and me. I wanted to love it and muster through taking care of it and raise it with the man that meant the world to me.

  And if it was Chandler’s…

  Well, then that changed everything.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Without speaking, we headed straight to the lab downstairs. Despite his words of assurance, JC seemed as eager to discover the paternity as I was, and I guessed that was probably a truer version of his feelings than what he’d said to me in the doctor’s office. He loved me, sure, and maybe that was enough to expect that he’d love my baby too. But how could he not want it to be his own?

  It had to be his. I couldn’t stand to think there was any other possibility.

  Which was why I had to tell Chandler.

  “Who are you texting?” We were in the waiting room of the lab, and this was the first time JC had spoken to me since we’d arrived.

  “Chandler.” I was still composing the message, unsure exactly what to say. It was probably a conversation that should happen in person, though, so I ended up just asking if he had time to meet me.

  Before I could hit Send, JC put his hand over mine, stopping me. “We don’t need to tell him yet.”

  There it was—the honesty.

  “We do. Because I need to rule him out conclusively. For you. I know he’s not the father, JC. In my heart of hearts, I know this baby is yours. And I need to prove that without a doubt.”

  With reluctance, he removed his hand. “Do you want me to be there when you tell him?”

  Yes. Maybe it wasn’t fair to put him in that situation. It probably wasn’t fair to Chandler either, but JC was the man I was trying to build a life with, and his happiness mattered a hell of a lot more than Chandler’s, no matter what I might owe him. “Do you want to be there?”

  JC met my eyes, startling me since he hadn’t really looked at me in what felt like days. “I want whatever you need to make this pregnancy okay, whether or not I’m the father.”

  I didn’t have the heart to tell him that the only way I’d be okay with the pregnancy was if he was the father, and I settled on what would make me okay for the moment. “Then I want you with me.” I didn’t wait for him to agree before sending the text.

  Chandler answered immediately. Got class all day. Can skip tho. What’s up?

  I didn’t consult with JC before replying. Need to see you. Can you meet me uptown? There may have been a twinge of guilt for asking him to put me before school, but I ignored it. This was important. This was urgent.

  I was still waiting for Chandler’s reply when the lab assistant called me back. “I have an appointment too. Justin Bruzzo. Can we go together?” JC asked. Whether he knew I needed him or whether he needed me, I wasn’t sure. Either way, I was grateful that he asked.

  The tech paused while he looked at his clipboard, probably trying to see what we both were there for. “Yeah. That will work.”

  We stood and my phone buzzed.

  I can be there in 30.

  I hurriedly texted him the address of the coffee shop next door, and with JC’s hand in mine, followed the assistant to the back for our blood draw.

  ***

  Twenty-five minutes later, JC and I had been poked and bandaged and were sitting in Starbucks waiting to tell my ex he might be a father. I should have been preparing my speech, but strangely, the only thing I could concentrate on was the non-caffeinated iced latte I was sipping. I badly wanted it to be a regular iced latte, and while Dr. Wright had said I could have up to two cups of coffee a day, I was pretty sure I’d need that when I woke up for work in, oh, just six hours.

  It was strange how quickly I was able to adapt to the physical demands of being a mother-to-be. Now if I could just adapt my emotions as well…

  “Call Liesl,” JC insisted. “Tell her you’re overwhelmed with bridal stuff. She’ll cover your shift.”

  I was already taking so much time off for the wedding. But I was also emotionally drained, so I did. JC dumped my drink in the trash and returned to the line to order me a new one, leaving me alone at the table when Chandler walked in.

  My eyes darted toward JC, but he was buried in his phone and not watching the door. Chandler didn’t seem to notice my glance either, sitting across from me without looking around. “Is everything okay?”

  I forced a smile that I didn’t feel. “Well. Yes. For the most part.” Diving right in seemed inappropriate, even though it was what I most wanted to do. “Thanks for blowing off your schedule to meet us.”

  “Us?”

  “JC is here,” I admitted. “He’s at the counter.” Then, because I really did think it might be easier to get out the news while it was just the two of us, I said, “I’ll get right to the point—I’m pregnant.”

  “You’re pregnant…” His expression was contained, but I could tell when he figured out why this information was pertinent to him. His eyes lit up. “And you think it’s mine?”

  “No. I don’t.” My gut said he wasn’t. “But, apparently, it’s possible.” I explained the ultrasound dating and how it said that I’d conceived during a week I hadn’t been sexually active. “So, like I said, it’s possible.”

  “It’s a fifty-fifty chance you are,” JC said, setting my drink in front of me. He remained standing as he held his hand out toward Chandler.

  Chandler hesitated but he took it.

  “Thank you for coming.” JC let go
of Chandler’s hand and sat down next to me. “I’m sure this is awkward for you. I hope you know there’s no hard feelings on my part.”

  “I wish I could say the same,” Chandler muttered under his breath. I heard it, but I couldn’t tell if JC did or not.

  Maybe I could tell. Because under the table, JC took my hand in his. I wasn’t certain if it was meant to reassure me or to claim me, so I didn’t let go. If I knew it was only for support, I might have, though. I was committed to him, but I didn’t necessarily think we needed to shove it in Chandler’s face.

  “Anyway.” I sounded nervous. I was. “There’s a test they can do with just a blood draw. I hoped you’d be willing to give a sample.”

  Chandler, who had been giving JC the evil eye, moved his focus to me. “Count me in.”

  “Great!” I was more relieved than I thought I’d be. I hadn’t realized that I was afraid he might say no. “The lab is next door. All you have to do is give them this transaction ID number, and they’ll send it for processing immediately.”

  With my free hand, I pulled the Post-it note from my pocket where I’d written the information. I scooted it across the table toward Chandler.

  He took the note, but then he covered my hand with his. “If the baby’s mine, Gwen, I’ll take responsibility. You know I have the money to support you and a kid, but I need you to know that I also have the desire. I’ll be a good father. But I could also be good for you too. I’d make a damn good husband, or spend my life trying, anyway. And not just because you got knocked up.” He lowered his voice and somehow increased the intensity of his sincerity. “I’m in love with you, Gwen.”

  I was frozen, my lips parted. He’d only ever hinted at having deeper feelings for me. His confirmation felt like he’d ripped the bandage off an old wound, taking the stitches with it. I’d hurt him, but knowing just how much hurt me too.

  Go numb. Just be numb.

  I could ignore the pain. I couldn’t ignore the awkward. Hearing Chandler confess his feelings in front of JC. My fiancé secretly gripping one hand while my ex held the other. There were right words to say to each of the men, but unfortunately, saying them would likely upset one of them, if not both.