Find Me

by Laurelin Paige

  I flew up from my chair. “It’s not running! It’s living!”

  Drew kept his gaze away from mine. “Are you sure about this, JC?”

  “I’m positive. I’ll take my chances with the team I have.” He nodded at Dom and the men surrounding him at the other end of the table. Several, I noticed now, were wearing guns. If I could see those, how many could I not see?

  Maybe the weapons should have made me feel safer. Instead, it made me even more frightened. Made the whole situation more real.

  “Do I not get a say in this at all?” My voice sounded shrill. “Because I don’t agree. We’re going.”

  JC put a hand on my upper arm. “I’m not taking you away from your life, Gwen. And I’m not leaving you. The matter is settled.”

  I brushed him away and ran to Drew’s side. “Tell him he’s wrong. Tell him he’s making a mistake.”

  “I’m afraid I can’t. We offer witness protection for those afraid of testifying. We can’t force someone into the program if they don’t want to go.” He stood and directed his attention to JC. “If you’re officially declining—”

  JC cut in. “Which I am.”

  “Then we’ll be going. You know how to reach me if you change your mind.” Drew nodded at JC then gave me a tight smile before making his exit.

  I stood gaping, astounded and pissed and scared. JC ran through introductions with the men that remained. I did my best to smile—it probably wasn’t the best idea to piss off the people who were protecting me from harm—but I couldn’t manage to do more than that.

  As the names were told to me, I recognized two of them as the ones Dom mentioned on the Fourth of July. We’d had bodyguards watching us for that long, and I’d never had a clue. In some ways, I understood why JC hadn’t told me. It wasn’t something I wanted to deal with even now that I had to. He’d read me right, but just because he understood that about me didn’t mean that he’d acted appropriately in keeping me in the dark.

  Goddammit, I was so mad! And hurt. And in love with this lying jackass. Which meant there wasn’t anything I could do about the situation because he’d chosen to stay in town, and I was bound to him wherever he was.

  “We’ll move our watch in closer,” Dom said as he was leaving. “I’ll have two men assigned at all times on rotations of three instead of just the one from afar. One man inside the building, another out. First tight shift will start at oh-eight hundred hours.”

  “Thanks, man.” JC clapped him on the back, and the team departed, leaving only JC and Norma and me.

  I hugged myself, trying as hard as I could to not completely fall apart and not succeeding. My eyes were watery, and I refused to look at him even though I felt his gaze pinned on me.

  “Gwen…” he said softly, and I couldn’t help myself—I looked up. “I’m sorry.”

  “Fuck you. Don’t apologize when you don’t mean it.”

  He took a step toward me, arms outstretched. “I do mean it.”

  I backed away. “Why exactly are you sorry then? If it’s for not listening to reason, then it’s not too late to call Drew back and say you’ll accept.”

  JC’s features softened, and, for a second, I thought he might be considering my suggestion. But he said, “I’m sorry that you don’t agree. I’m sorry that you don’t think that I can keep us protected without them.”

  “Little good your sorry is worth if you’re dead.” I headed toward the door, careful not to touch him as I passed.

  Then I remembered something else. I spun back toward him. “Who else did you spy on, JC?” If I had to play his game, he’d have to play by my rules. And rule number one was transparency. “What was so important that you had to maintain your own protection team?”

  As before, he glanced at Norma, and this time I didn’t think it was just out of commiseration.

  “Why do you keep looking at her?” I turned to my sister. “What do you know, Norma?”

  Her eyes widened, as if she’d been caught, but all she said was, “It’s not mine to tell.”

  “But you know something he’s keeping from me?”

  Behind me, JC let out a frustrated huff. “I’m not keeping anything from you that you didn’t want me to keep from you.”

  I threw my hands in the air, tired of the constant circles. “What the hell is that supposed to mean? Can you just give me a straight answer?”

  “It means that you said you didn’t want to have anything to do with your father.” He gestured at Norma. “So, together, we decided not to tell you that I’d found him.”

  My eyes widened in shock. “You know where my father is?” He nodded once. “How long have you known?”

  He shoved his hands in his pockets. “Since I left town. I tried to tell you—at the fireworks—but you didn’t want to talk about him. And then the next day you said you didn’t want to have any connection with him at all.”

  The next day… I remembered the fireworks, but I had to rack my brain to recall the conversation we’d had at the Pierces’. What had I said? That I was glad he was missing. That I liked not having to think about him.

  But that didn’t mean that I wanted to be kept in the dark. Not only by JC, but by Norma.

  I turned to her, brows furrowed. “You knew and you didn’t tell me either?”

  Norma wrung her hands in front of her. “I did. It wasn’t meant to be deceptive. Hudson offered to hire some people to find him. Put him back in jail. But JC told us not to bother because he already knew where he was. You’d said you didn’t want him arrested again, and I did. JC convinced me he would keep Dad watched so that he didn’t present a danger to you, and I agreed. That’s it.”

  That’s it? As if she’d merely forgotten to tell me that she’d bumped into one of my schoolteachers on the street instead of that she was practically an accomplice in hiding my fugitive father.

  Slowly, I ran my hands through my hair. “I can’t believe this. The two people I trust more than anyone else—”

  “You didn’t tell me you were pregnant!”

  “Jesus, are you kidding me? I just went to the doctor this morning. I haven’t told anyone. You’ve known about Dad for months!”

  “Don’t blame Norma for this,” JC said from beside me, closer than I’d realized he’d gotten. “I bullied her into it.”

  Norma rolled her eyes. “I wasn’t bullied into it. I needed convincing to not have him sent to jail, but I readily agreed that Gwen didn’t need to know about it.”

  I pointed a finger at her, shaking with the extent of my frustration. “You always do that. Overprotect us. You did it with Ben, and now me. You’re my sister, not my protector. It wasn’t your place!” I was yelling. I didn’t care.

  Next, I spun to JC. “And you. You’re the worst! Watching my father for more than a year? On my behalf? I didn’t ask you to do that. How dare you assume you knew what I wanted?”

  “I didn’t assume anything.” JC’s volume matched mine. “I watched him for me. When I left, he was a threat to you. I couldn’t leave and know that he might come after you again. I’ve lost someone before, Gwen. I’m not going to apologize for wanting to keep you safe.”

  “And yet you think it’s fine to put yourself in danger. Don’t you realize what it would do to me if I lost you?” My throat was so tight that my final words came out as a sob. That was at the epicenter of my anguish—the possibility that the man who had taken so long for me to find, the man who loved me more than I’d ever thought possible, that he could get hurt. That he could be killed.

  It was a thought that I couldn’t entertain for even a second without feeling my world collapse under me.

  He started toward me, but I put my hand out to stop him, as well as the conversation. “You know what? I don’t want to talk about this any more right now. I need time to calm down. Norma, can I stay with you tonight?”

  She started to answer, but JC interrupted. “Our place is better protected. If you want me out of the condo, I’ll go, but please stay there inst
ead.”

  Right. I had to plan my life around security now.

  I rubbed my hand across my forehead. “I’m not kicking you out of the condo. It’s yours, not mine.”

  “It’s ours.”

  I didn’t argue. He’d been the one to pay for it, but I’d never thought of it as his place, even as I said it. “Whatever. Just. Take me home, then. You can sleep on the couch.”

  Strangely, even though I was mad, I didn’t want to be away from him. I just didn’t want to have to look at him either.

  Without another word, I left the conference room.

  “Gwen?”

  I turned back at my sister’s call. “What?”

  “Congratulations on the baby.”

  It almost made me laugh. God, how ridiculous this day was. I hadn’t fully adjusted to the fact that I was pregnant, and now I had to deal with both that and living under high security. And I was mad at Norma too. But I loved her, just like I loved JC, and I’d forgive them both soon enough. “I’ll—I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

  JC came toward me, his arm poised as if he were going to wrap it around my waist. “If you know what’s good for you, you won’t touch me right now.”

  He dropped his arm, and I spun around to head down the hall.

  Behind me, I heard them talking. “I’d like to tell you that she’ll calm down,” Norma said, “but frankly, I’ve never seen her like this.”

  “Thanks for the thought. I’m sorry I put you in the hot spot with her.”

  “It’s not the first time. I’m used to it.”

  Then I was out of earshot, so bone tired it was all I could do to put one foot in front of the other. The elevator doors opened as soon as I pushed the call button, and with a burst of spite, I got in and pushed the button for the parking level instead of holding it for JC.

  Once the doors closed me inside, I slumped against the wall and allowed myself the trip down to cry.

  I’d hoped the ride would give me time to compose myself, but by the time I arrived in the garage, I was even more worked up than when I’d left Norma’s floor. With tears streaming, I stumbled toward our car. It wasn’t fair. None of this. We were just beginning our life, and now there was a big wrench thrown in the middle of it. Yes, I could cope—I would cope. It was better than losing JC altogether. But what if he was wrong? What if his team couldn’t keep him safe? What if Mennezzo got to him anyway?

  “Gwen!” The other elevator must have been waiting on that floor as well, because JC was close behind me. I hurried my steps, as if by making it to the car, I could hide my blubbering.

  “Wait,” he called after me. “Talk to me. I can’t bear to see you this upset.”

  I didn’t look back. “You think I can bear to see you dead?”

  “I’m not going to die.”

  I didn’t remember where we’d parked, and surprisingly there were a lot of vehicles in the garage, despite the time of night. I weaved aimlessly around an SUV, not knowing which direction to go and not ready to ask JC.

  “Gwen, stop.”

  I stopped and wheeled around to face him. “You could though. Don’t you see? This isn’t me being unreasonable.”

  “I didn’t say you were being unreasonable. I’m trying to tell you that I’m taking care of this. Trust me.”

  “Trust you?” I’d been loud upstairs, but now I was yelling. “You’ve just admitted to two big secrets! And you want me to trust you?”

  “They were secrets kept in your best interest.”

  “My fucking best interest…” Unbelievable. “Just tell me this. How could you spend all that time away from me, away from everything, to protect your life and then, the next minute, not give a fuck that it was still in danger? Why would you do that?” Wanting so badly to understand, I grabbed at whatever reasoning came to mind. “What, was it not your life that you cared about, and only the chance to testify for Corinne?”

  There. Like a punch to the lungs, I was suddenly certain I’d hit the nail on the head. “That’s it, isn’t it? You don’t fucking care if you die. You just wanted the chance to tell her story because she’s the only person who ever mattered in this anyway, isn’t she?” It was always her. It was the fear that never let me go.

  “Are you serious?” His eyes were wide. Incredulous. “That’s not it at all.”

  “Then what?”

  He shook his head, cursing under his breath, his fist on his hip as though he’d anchored it there in lieu of hitting something.

  I’d learned from my father not to push someone when they had that look. But I knew JC would never hurt me, and I wanted answers. “Just tell the goddamn truth for once!”

  And then he snapped. “The truth is I wasn’t going to look for you!”

  For half a second, I was confused, not understanding what he meant.

  Then I did understand. He was talking about after the trial. He’d never intended on looking for me.

  In that moment, I realized two things with blazing clarity. First, I’d been wrong—he would hurt me. He’d hurt me with those words more than he could have if he’d struck me.

  Second, I wanted to get as far from him as possible.

  I whirled away, having no direction in mind, just needing the space.

  JC was faster than I was. He’d reached me in two steps, grabbing on to my upper arm.

  “Let me go!” I wrestled away from him, but he caught me again a second later. “Let me go, you asshole!”

  His grip tightened, and soon he caught my other arm as well. With my hands secured, I began kicking and fighting so fiercely, he had to pin me against a sedan with his entire body.

  “Stop! Listen to me!”

  I’d lost, but I kept struggling, kept begging for him to let me go, but then his mouth was on mine, and though I resisted initially, it only took a few seconds before I gave in, returning the kiss with fervent urgency. I sucked at his tongue, bit at his lip, and when he loosened his grip enough for me to have use of my hands, I clawed at him as well. He was still pressed against me, and I could feel his erection, hard like steel at my thigh. I shifted, trying to get him closer to my center, desperate for him to make up for the pain he’d caused me with his cock.

  When he understood what I was after, or maybe when he’d finally come to his senses and realized he was about to fuck me against a stranger’s car in a well-lit parking garage, he broke the kiss.

  He was still panting when I slapped him.

  In a flash, he had me pinned again, this time his front to my back as he pushed me against the hood of the car.

  He leaned down so that his mouth was at my ear. “I wasn’t going to look for you, Gwen, because I knew I was still in danger. I knew I’d never be completely safe, and there was no way I was going to pull you into that. I wasn’t even going to tell you I was in town.”

  I squirmed, trying to shake my head, but my cheek only met cool metal. “Don’t. I don’t want to hear this. Stop talking.”

  “I won’t stop talking,” he hissed. “You wanted the truth. Here it is. I wasn’t going to look, but then I saw you. And every plan I had went out the window because I couldn’t stay away.”

  With a growl of frustration, he let me go. I didn’t move as he leaned his back against the door next to me. “I was weak. I’m still weak. I can’t exist without you, and I decided that who I am with you is the only me that I would ever want to protect. Without you? That guy can die a thousand times over, I don’t give a shit.” He swiveled his head to look at me. “With you is the only way I want to live.”

  I rushed to him and clutched at the lapels of his jacket. “Then let’s go,” I said, kissing along his neck. “Together. It will be different together.”

  He wrapped his arms around me, much gentler than he’d gripped me a moment before, but with just as much strength. “I want to.” He nuzzled his cheek against my hair. “I do. It didn’t seem necessary when Ralphio was behind bars. But now…” He trailed away. He didn’t need to finish the thought. We both kn
ew what came after but now.

  He kissed my temple. “I want to take you away and love you and protect you, Gwen. It’s all I want. But this isn’t just about you and me anymore.”

  And that was exactly why I needed to be with him! Because it wasn’t just us, but a child we had to protect as well, and there was no way I was raising a kid without its father.

  Then I understood what he was really saying. If it were just the three of us, it would be different. But it wasn’t. There was someone else.

  My throat tightened. “If I hadn’t told Chandler, we could have left. He would have never known.”

  JC pushed me away so he could look me in the eye, his hands placed on either side of my face. “He needed to know. You’d hate yourself if you kept that from him.”

  Not as much as I hated the situation we were in now.

  But maybe Chandler didn’t matter. “So what if he knows? He can’t do anything about it if we’re gone.”

  JC swept his thumb along my jaw. “This program isn’t about relocations. It’s protection until a trial. We can’t pretend that we’ve died and start a new life with new identities. Chandler is powerful enough that he may be able to put pressure on the department. And even if we were to hide without Drew’s team, is that fair to keep him from his child?”

  I leaned into his hand. “It’s not his. It’s not.” If I said it enough, it would be true.

  JC held my gaze. “Okay. It’s not his. But we don’t have that proof yet.” He was indulging me, and I loved him even more for that.

  I reached my arms around him and held on for dear life, my anger having dissipated into resignation. How could I stay mad? He’d chosen me over safety. It’s the same choice I would have made. Maybe that meant we were weak. Or maybe it meant we were that strong in our love.

  So now we had shit to deal with. At least we’d face it together.

  “Do you really think we’re safe?” I asked eventually, my cheek pressed against his shoulder, facing away from him.

  He took a breath in and let it out before he answered. “Both Steve and Tom had families that were never targeted. Ralphio isn’t after brutality. He wants his freedom. That’s all. He’s not going to hurt you, but Dom and his guys are doubling security. They’ll watch you closer now, just in case.”